Monthly Archives: February 2017

No Pain, No change, No learning

27 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” – Kahlil Gibran

After being evaluated by the doctor and doing an X-ray he determined I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS).  The x-ray didn’t show any tumors but there is still the possibility I have herniated discs in my neck.  I will need a MRI to determine that, but at this point I will follow the treatment for TOS and if there is no response than I will do an MRI.

TOS is an irritation of blood vessels and muscles behind and around the clavicle bone.   TOS can happen because of injury, bad posture, repetitive movements, stress, a variety of reasons, but often times there is no specific cause.  In my case I know that stress has been a contributing factor.  I have had the pain in the neck shooting down for the past several months, ignoring it was not the best thing to do.  Were not for the bone sticking out and being noticeable I would probably just continue to be in pain and do nothing about it.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.” – James Baldwin

On Tuesday I went to the doctor for the first treatment, but as faith would have my back and hip was so painful that I chose to address that first.  During the evaluation the doctor had already mentioned that he was more concerned with my hip and back.  I have had herniated discs in back since I was 25 and for the last 4 years I have bursitis and arthritis in my right hip.

My identical twin sister has herniated discs in her neck and in the past 10 days she can barely walk because of her back.  It is interesting that, even though living countries apart, we struggle with the same ailments.  We have always had similar pains at similar times or days apart.

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” – Dalai Lama XIV

All these ailments are putting a damper on my upcoming skiing trip.  I tried to cancel it, but only got the lift tickets and the skiing lessons refunded.  The hotel and flight was non-refundable, which may turn out to be a good thing as I do need to take some time away from everything.

Not skiing is not the end of the world.  I will focus on what I can do and not what I can’t.  I am blessed to be able to take a vacation and go to a beautiful place like Breckenridge. I am not going to dare to complain about a little detail such a not being able to ski.

Today I return to the doctor for another treatment.  Since the back and hip is feeling a little better I will have him focus on the collarbone.

On a side note I went to mass yesterday.  Yes I am all proud of myself!  The sermon was about the fact that God is in control so we have nothing to worry about, and on that note I go on knowing that all is taken care of.  No worries!

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis

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Joel Osteen spoke to me!

21 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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When asked about my religion I say I am Catholic.  I had my First communion but besides that I never really went to church.  I was blessed to grow up exposed to all kinds of faiths.  I went to Baptist Bible School.  Once a week I went to Seicho-no-ie meetings.  My mother was heavily into Spiritism and would impart upon us the spiritual teachings.

Some ideas have been ingrained in me since I was a child: The idea of always doing good, helping the less fortunate, doing/ speaking/thinking no evil, the power of positive thinking, the idea of reaping what you sow, karma, etc.  I am grateful for that!  Today I am open minded and believe there is good in any religion;.  I was taught not to believe that one religion is better than the other and to see any kind of fanatical belief as bad.  It was never about the religion itself, but how I chose to behave and act that showed my faith.

Two years ago I had friends spending the weekend at my apartment.  They never miss Sunday Mass so we found a church near my home and I went with them.  Since then I try to go to mass every now and then.  I went 2 weeks ago.  This past Sunday morning at 8am I was still in bed talking to myself about going to mass.  Mass is at 9 and the church is 2 blocks from my home so I had plenty of time to go, but still I debating the idea.

Laziness, or whatever the right word is, won out.  I justified staying at home by telling myself that I don’t need to be in church to pray.  I can just stay at home and watch Joel Osteen’s Sunday sermon.  Lately I have been watching his sermons and I really enjoy them.  I find his messages always positive and uplifting.

On a side note, I mentioned to a friend that I enjoyed him and he pointed out to me that he makes millions of dollars preaching.  I said:  what does that have to do with anything?  I enjoy his message.  How much money he has and what he chooses to do with it is not for me to judge. That is between him and his God.

So I made breakfast and sat at the table and turned on Joel Osteen’s last week’s sermon.  I am always one week behind watching his TV show.

He started speaking and I couldn’t believe my ears.  The message was to me.  The sermon was called: Better Together.

The main idea was the importance of attending a religious service, but I got more than that.  We can pray at home but there is an extra benefit to going to church.  We benefit from being in a community.  Going to a service is not only what it give us but what we give to it, and to others.

The combination of faithful together heals each other.  It recharges us for the week ahead.  Going to church is not because we need something,  we are in pain, we are needy.  Going to church is to give thanks, is to honor a Higher power.   To go to church is to help others, is to lend strength, to emanate positive energy, to bring an uplifting smile, to combine faith, to share your presence with others.

“When 2 or 3 are gathered in the name of Jesus, God is in the midst.”

Joel Osteen was taking about going to a religious service, but the message rang through further than that.  It meant a whole way of looking at my life. The message to me is that we don’t have to do life alone.

I learned early on not to wait for others to do anything I want to do.  I learned not to wait for anyone’s help.  I learned to love being self sufficient, and alone.

I am a loner. I don’t feel lonely, I just value solitude.  I go out with friends and on dates but I love getting back to my quiet dark apartment.  Everywhere I go I cannot wait to get back home.  Even vacations that I love, after a few days I want to go home.

I do online dating not only to look for a partner, but to force myself to dress up and get out of the house. Even great dates have me wanting to go home.

This week alone I met 2 great guys: Without giving too many details, the first one is an adventure writer.  He has lived, and continues to live an amazing life.  He has so many stories to tell.  The second is an international attorney that happens to be the attorney for one of the biggest Brazilian singers.  He took me to an amazing restaurant.  We were actually the last ones to leave the place.  But here is what these 2 dates had in common besides being great: Once I realized how great they were,  I spent the whole time looking for reasons not to see them again.  I wanted them to fail in some way so that I could go back to being alone.

At this point I realize I need to step it up.   I have to pick a guy and date for more than a couple of weeks, and not spend the time looking for flaws.   But I need to do more, make more of an effort to make new friends and reconnect with old ones.  Perhaps church is the beginning.

Life is best when is tempered with things that we must do with things we want do.  Doing only what I want is great, feels indulgent, but it is not the path for the great future that awaits me.

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke”  – Vincent Van Gogh

Ignoring pain until a bone stares you in the face.

19 Sunday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I have had back issues (herniated disk, sciatic pain) forever,  and hip pain (a tear, bursitis and arthritis) for the past 4 years.  The last pain that showed up is a pain in my neck that shoots down my arm.  I have a high tolerance for pain so I have been ignoring this pain for almost a year.  My sister has had the same pain for the past 7 years, only getting better after she visited an osteopathic doctor.

Last week in dance class my arm was so painful it was hard to hold position. Even though my partner was holding my arm up it was still painful.  This week in class I looked in the mirror and realized that my collarbone was really visible, I thought it was odd since I didn’t really lose weight.  Since I was in class the thought just came and went.   The following evening after I showered I looked in the mirror and realized that my right collarbone is 3 times larger than the left one.  I panicked.

Immediately I started Googling and, of course, thoughts of tumors and cancer came into my mind making me totally paranoid.  In my mind I am already canceling my skiing trip that is less than 2 weeks away.

On Friday I searched for a doctor.  I called a Orthopedic surgeon but was told that I need to go to a spine doctor first.  My first choice for a spine doctor didn’t take my insurance, my second choice didn’t have an opening until April. Finally I was able to make an appointment with one for Tuesday.  He had awful reviews but I figure I need to see someone asap.

In the meantime I was reminded that we have a Physical Therapy business right in the building I work at.  So I decided to stop by and ask them for a referral for a doctor.  I got there and ended up speaking to a chiropractor/sports medicine doctor. I immediately felt at easy with him.  I canceled the doctor I had on Tuesday and made an appointment with him for Monday for a full evaluation.

Many people I speak with disagree with me and tell me I should see a “real doctor”.  But I am confident in my decision. I feel the whole right side of my body is broken so I like the idea that a doctor will look at my whole body and not just the separate parts.  I can always re-schedule with a “real doctor” later.

Also,  I was very disappointed with the treatment I got for my hip.  After all kinds of tests, MRIs, cortisone shot and physical therapy, the moment that I attempted to take one tennis lesson the pain came back as if had never left.

The protruding clavicle bone is not terrifying me anymore and I am hoping it has only shifted and it didn’t really grow.  But we shall see what the verdict is tomorrow. I decided not to worry until I have to worry.

In the meantime this is a wake up call for me.   I put everyone’s needs before my own. I never want to spend the time or money to take care of myself and that attitude is just dumb.  I have to stop ignoring my body.  I have to get serious about maintaining my weight, taking my vitamins, doing my morning stretches, getting yearly physicals, etc.

“I feel keeping a promise to yourself is a direct reflection of the love you have for yourself. I used to make promises to myself and find them easy to break. Today, I love myself enough to not only make a promise to myself, but I love myself enough to keep that promise” – Steve Maraboli

*****

 

Meet me in Colorado!

11 Saturday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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winter_brecktown_mi

“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.” – Hermann Hesse

As I mentioned before, I wasn’t sure what to do with an offer I had received.  A guy I met on Match is going skiing in Big Sky at the end of the month.  He said his hotel room had 2 beds and he offered me one as a friend.  I was really tempted but in the end I just couldn’t accept it.

I met him in person and we are still exchanging messages and phone calls as friends.  He lives 2 hours away and there wasn’t chemistry enough to bridge that distance for me.  He seems like a great person and adores skiing.

It would have been 7 days with someone I barely know.  It could turn out to be an amazing experience, getting to know someone and getting skiing tips.  But It could turn out unpleasant, uncomfortable, and perhaps even dangerous.

Some may think I sometimes over-think things, but why take a chance of being in a hotel room with somebody I barely know?  I guess I will always err on the side of safety.

I am all about taking chances and expecting miracles, but I also believe in making sure I am doing my part in being safe.  I like to jump and try to fly but all the while having a firm footing.

I very much believe in taking chances and getting out of my comfort zone  but when it involves other people then I have to take a step back, as I never know what people have in their minds and what is their agenda.

“We are our choices.” – Jean-Paul Sartre

I guess I take measured chances.  I research, I process, I take the pros and cons into account and in the end I decide using both my heart and mind.

Big sky will have to wait.  I told him exactly how I feel and even though he didn’t understand it, I am glad that he didn’t try changing my mind.

Since skipping my skiing vacation is not acceptable, I impulsively yet carefully chose a destination.  I have this baseless fear that if I skip skiing one year skiing will be forever over for me.  I am new at it and still struggle and need all the miles on skis I can get.

The chosen destination is Breckenridge, CO.  I chose Breckenridge because of easier access from the Denver airport.

I am going to be there the first week of March.

If you either live there, or will be there at the same time, how about a drink or bite to eat?  I always vacation alone and have no trouble doing that, but lately I miss someone at dinner time.  Food time is more fun when it is shared.

Say hi and let’s meet up!

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Songs and Memories

04 Saturday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Memory is the diary we all carry about with us.” – Oscar Wilde

This morning I walked into a coffee shop and I heard the voice of Ray LaMontagne.  He was singing “Hold You In My Arms”.  That sound hit me in the face and AL immediately came to mind.

A couple of weeks ago I would been sad, cry, and probably leave the shop without buying anything.

But not today.  I stopped and took in the moment.  I paused realizing the beauty of memories.  How blessed we are to have them!  As the memories awash over me I feel everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

There is no sadness and no longer doubt when I think of him.  He was a friend, he is still, in a way, but he no longer plays a role in my life. He is in the past.  He is the past.

Prior to meeting AL I had never heard of Ray LaMontagne.  Of course I had seen the Travelers Insurance commercial (the one with the dog and the bone with the song “Trouble”) but I thought that was a just a commercial jingle and not an actual song.

One evening AL mentioned his name and we checked it online and it was the first time I heard him singing anything other than “Trouble”.

As faith would have, weeks later I found out he was playing a concert not far from my home and I surprised AL with tickets. We had an amazing time.

Memories such as these makes me think of all the marks everyone leaves on our lives.  Everyone leaves something of them behind. Perhaps they introduce us to new interests, or they present us with challenges and new opportunities.   Sometimes they come to teach us a valuable lesson.   They makes us think, laugh, love and sometimes cry.  And always they leave memories, good and bad.

Oftentimes we don’t want people to leave.  We don’t want things to change.  But the only way we grow and become who we are really meant to be is with changes, with discomfort.  Allowing people to come and go when it is time is part of accepting our future..

Not everyone is meant to stay.  We need to allow the wrong people, the people that perhaps felt right at one point but that no longer is nourishing our souls to leave to make room for the right ones to come.

AL left a lot of memories that I will cherish forever or until I remember, as memories do fade with time.  Whenever they come to the surface I send him good thoughts and wishes.  It is my sincerest wish that he is happy but I don’t need to know about it.

And since I am on Al’s memory lane, here is another song that never fails to bring him to mind.  He sang to me one night.  Well it was not really to me, but it was only he and I and he was singing.  I think that counts 😉

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  From an Irish headstone”  – Richard Puz

 

I am afraid!

01 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Talking politics is something I avoid at all costs, but I cannot be silent about my feelings.  This opinion is based on my experience of being a woman and an immigrant.  I don’t expect people to agree or disagree, but I hope that people can respect it.

Right now I am afraid! I am afraid for me.  I am afraid for the future of the USA.  I am afraid for the world.

I am afraid of the President of the United States of America! This is one thing I thought I would never say.

Please step into my shoes for a moment.

Growing up in Brazil, I, and every other Brazilian saw the US, as this incredible, amazing land.  It was paradise, a dream.  The land of the free and of opportunities.  A land where everything is modern and brand new and anything is possible.  A place where there is crime but there is punishment too.  A place where things work well, lines moves, good work gets rewarded.

Now, when I speak to my family and friends still living in Brazil, they express confusion and concern.  They feel a war is brewing, they fear what it is to come.

I was a dreamy and naive 17 years old when I arrived in the US.  Even though I was supposed to stay a short time I am still here (I have been here now for 33 years).  The US is now my chosen home.

I worked as a live-in nanny, well just saying nanny makes it seem that all I did was take care of a child, which is hard work as it is, but I did much more.  I did everything, I cooked, I cleaned, took care of the kids, grocery shopped, anything that was needed in the home I did.  The days were long and at the end of day I would stay up and pour over grammar and vocabulary books.

Nothing was easy or handed free to me.  I was willing to work hard.  I knew that with hard work I could have anything I wanted.  Unlike in Brazil,  where hard work is seldom rewarded.

Eventually I went to school in the evening and learned English in ESL classes.  Then I attended  college in the evenings and on weekends while working various jobs to pay for it.   I graduated with honors and student loans (which have been paid off a long time ago).

I never the typical college experience.  I was never a typical teenager.  Everything was about work and school.  And it was choice to have led such a life.  A choice that today I wear with pride.  Every step was difficult but so well worth!  So celebrated!

I never collected a single day of unemployment or welfare. That is not to say that I don’t agree with people collecting it.  I think that everyone that needs that extra help should use for as long it is available and necessary.  I just want to illustrate that there is another side to immigration.  Not everyone is here illegally and abusing government programs.   Immigrants can be assets.  I am a valuable asset.  I pay more taxes than all my american born friends.  And yet at this point in time I feel picked on.

But even if someone is here illegally, as I was for a few years until my papers were finally approved and I received a green card, they deserve respect as human beings.  That is what we all are.  All humans beings fighting for the same thing:  a better future for our families.  We are all just trying to keep our head above water.  We breath the same air and all aspire love and happiness.

I am in favor of screening people and making sure the country is safe.  I am in favor of protecting borders (but not in favor of a wall).  I think we need an amnesty to legalize undocumented aliens that are already living here for many many years working and raising their families.  I know people that have been here over 20 years undocumented. Legalizing them, making them count and accountable would generate a huge amount in taxes. It would stop many employers from paying their employees under the table.

I don’t have all the answers.  Actually I don’t have any answers.  I have ideas, I have wants, I have choices, I have freedoms, and I want to continue having them.  I choose love and respect always.  For me and for others.  One of my wish for Trump is to choose love and respect.

I, never, in my 32 years here feared the President.  Now I do.  I think we all should.  Too much autonomy and a huge ego is not a good combination.  His actions seem to be more vindictive and vengeful and intent on proving his might than being for the betterment of the country and the population.

When Trump starts picking on segments of people, and banning countries in general I get scared.  When Trump blocks people that have legally applied and waited for years to enter the US and sends them back without any regard to the hardships they have encountered to make such journey something is wrong and needs to be looked at.  We all lose.

My sister has been waiting for her green card for the past 12 years.  Her number has finally reached the front of the line and she should be able to enter the country in a few months.  Of course Brazil is not on the banned list, so many would say I have nothing to worry about it, but still I worry.  She will be another green card holder and perhaps at the mercy of the president’s mood and decision.  What if Zika was still making headlights?

With a moody president that thinks he can do what he pleases no one is safe. I don’t put anything past Trump, and that is what is scary.  This free reign, this ruling with a heavy hand.

When we start generalizing and dividing segments of the population we all lose.  We all as human beings start losing our freedoms. Little by little we have less rights.  Little by little our neighbors become our enemies.  Little by little is okay to discriminate people.  It is divisive!  It gives bullies the green light to do whatever they please.  He is a school bully that has just been handed the keys to the entire school.

Trump running for president: What a funny joke it was. haha look at his ego, like he could ever win.

Then he won!

We fell asleep at the wheel. We let things cloud our vision and all of a sudden here he is: The President of the United States of America. The highest seat in the world. How? Why?  What now?

I am a patriot, I am an eternal hopeful.  I am willing to give him a chance but I am scared.  In fact I am terrified.

Still I firmly believe that with great tragedies come great miracles.  I believe in the power of God, I believe in the goodness of people, I believe in love.

Everything I have I owe to this country, and that I never forget!

I wanted with this post illustrate my feelings and perhaps present a different perspective from someone with a different background.  In the end we all want the same: have our voices heard, our work appreciated, our families safe, our rights respected and our freedoms intact.

If you voted for Trump I understand your frustration, but don’t let that dictate your life.

Love and blessings to all no matter what!

(I am not going to re-read this otherwise I will never publish, but in doing so there will be typos and mistake so please forgive me.)