Monthly Archives: January 2017

A real friend knows when it is time to let go of the friendship

28 Saturday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“It takes wisdom to know when to turn the page and courage to know when to close the book. Steve Maraboli

There is a certain inner peace that washes over you the moment you realize you have made the right choice…about anything… about romance, business, family, etc.

That is how I feel at this moment.  At peace with my decision.  Peace came the moment I valued and respected myself.  I am talking about my friend AL (from 2 posts ago).  When I think of him now, about his silence, respecting my wishes; and about my silence remaining strong and not contacting him it just feels right.  Of course there are still moments of missing, longing, and wishing for things to be back to the way they were before.  The choice is hard and painful and I have to keep working on it daily but knowing in my heart it is the right decision changes everything.   At this moment I feel that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be, all is right in my world.

I know he will contact me again, but I also know that I will not respond.  For my sake as well as his.  Letting this friendship die this slow peaceful death is the right thing for me, for us, for everyone involved. I dare say that at this moment I am being a real friend.

I remember my Mom saying that for a cut to heal you have to stop touching it and let it be.  Same thing here.  I need to stop touching it and this is what I have done to help me achieve that:

  • I needed to stop looking at pictures.  I deleted them all.
  • I needed to stop re-reading messages.  All emails and texts deleted. There were almost 5 years worth of emails and to read some of them now was painful and it took all my strength not to keep them.
  • I needed to stop waiting for his texts/phone calls.  I blocked his number, so now even if he calls I don’t see it.  I even removed him from my LinkedIn Network.
  • I needed to stop thinking of him.  This is definetly the right one, but when he does come to mind, I think of him with gratitude and let the memory fade away.  I know that they will eventually stop.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

It takes courage to walk away, it takes courage to be silent…It would be so much easier to reach out or to reply…to just continue as if nothing happened.  I miss the banter, I miss his face, I miss his accent, I miss the pictures he used to send.  I miss it all.

The easier and more fun road would be to continue as is, flirting non-stop, having a drink every now and then and ignoring the huge elephant in the room – his fiancee.  But since when did I start taking the easy road?  Since when is the easy road ever worth taking?

He cares about me, that I have no doubt, but his actions are not saying that.  His actions towards the fiancee feels even worst.  I don’t condone it and I don’t want to be a part of it.  I can’t continue going along with something just because I care about the person.  Love doesn’t excuse or justify bad behavior.   It was foggy before when I was in the middle of it, now that some time and distance has gone by I see his actions clear.  It stinks!

I realized I was not respecting myself when I was allowing myself to be in a situation that does not make me feel valued as a friend, a woman and as a person.  I was enjoying the attention, but is that all I crave?  If I am not treating and giving myself respect, how can I expect it from others?

Truth is, similar to romantic relationships, sometimes friendships do have to come to an end.  It is hard, painful, but necessary.  We can’t start to heal until we let it go completely.

In 2017 I decided to surround myself with good energy and get rid of everything, people included, that is in the way of that.  Letting AL go is a good start.

At this moment I say a silent prayer thanking him for his short, but meaningful presence in my life.  From my every being I wish him nothing but absolute happiness and contentment.  He taught me love, friendship, non-judgment and open-mindedness.  He came at the right time.  He didn’t know that, but he picked me up when thoughts of my ex left me drowning in my tears.  He also taught me self respect and self love and in learning that I have to let him go, or is it in letting him go I learned self respect and self love? A lesson learned through him all the same.  He came for a reason and left for a reason.

This friendship was never meant to be forever.  The best lesson for me here is to make peace with the fact that some things are transient. I have to be okay with goodbyes to be able to truly enjoy the hellos!

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi

 

And the dating continues…

20 Friday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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It has been a little awhile since I have been here so I am about to catch you up on my dating life, but here is what else is going on:

  • Car doubts.  After many car issues, I finally decided I need to get another car.  I am still keeping my 30 year old baby (560SL) but it is about time to get a car that fits more than 2 people and it is good in the winter.  I am not sure if I should buy or lease? I hardly do any driving so I am leaning towards lease.  Any opinions?
  • Tenants/Buildings issues.  I need to learn to not stress over minor maintenance issues. Any time I see the superintendent’s number when my phone rings my heart sinks as I know he is going to mention some problem.   I  need to decide what to do in July when the lease is up.  Do I just sell it or keep it longer? I have time to decide…
  • After 32 years of living apart my identical twin sister and I will have to learn to live together again.  She will be coming to live in USA in the next few months and she will stay with me until she gets settled, a job, etc.  It will be interesting for sure. We would die for each other but after 5 minutes together we are already bickering.
  • Work remains a blessing even though there are some crazy egos and situations I have to navigate through. It makes me stronger and wiser.

Now on to dating:

Regarding the 2 guys I mentioned on this post:  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2016/12/24/from-feast-to-famine-in-48-hours/

The counselor: After we had those disagreements we started talking again and now we are not only good friends but we are dance partners.  We are taking private Salsa dance lessons together.  We bought a package of 10 lessons.  It has been a lot fun.  He is so funny.

I explained I am no longer interested in romance and he respects that.  We are planning to go to dance clubs once our dancing improves, well mostly his.  I am Brazilian so moving my hips is easy. For him it has been a little more difficult.  But he has so much enthusiasm that it makes up for the lack of rhythm.

The Pharmacist: We started talking again after that day.  And for a second it looked like we could become friends.

One Sunday he asked me what I was going to do that evening and when I said that I was going out to dinner with a friend he volunteered to come with us and pay for dinner. I agreed.

Then he said  he was going to come up to my apartment and watch me get ready.  When I said that it was not going to happen, he said he would sit and wait in the living room.  Again I said: It is not going to happen.  He got upset that he would have to wait outside my apartment and said he was not coming anymore.  I said ok and we haven’t spoken since.

I hate when guys assume that after meeting me once or a couple of times that I am ready to invite them to my apartment.  There is no right time, but it is on my time not on theirs.

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The construction worker:  I haven’t mentioned him before and I would probably not mention him other for the fact that he invited me to go skiing with him in Big Sky, Montana.  He has a hotel room with 2 beds.  It is very tempting and I even reserved a flight.  United lets you reserve the rate for one week.  I have to decide by tomorrow.  I am dying to go there. I am dying to go skiing.  But, I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.  Even though he agrees this would be just friends, I barely know him.  I am so conflicted!!!

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Online dating can get tiring and frustrating.  It is full of users, losers, jerks and fakes, but among all of that there are still some good guys there.  I have managed to meet some of them.  As always be careful when online dating.  Safety first!

I have met men from all walks of life.  I met computer software designers, all kinds of salesmen, financial guys from banking, insurance, etc, construction workers, lawyers, doctors, musicians,  teachers, etc.   I am thankful for online dating for making it possible for me to meet different people.

The last few dates I had:

  • A businessman in the denim business. I was already picturing all the free jeans I would get 🙂 The date was okay. We spent the whole time talking about online dating. Any time that is the topic of conversation it is a sign things are not going to work. We had only drinks. Yes, he was cheap lol
  • A Retired lawyer that occupies himself with some kind of electronics components distribution. We had dinner at a great restaurant. He seemed excited about me but I am not sure about him. I don’t think it will go anywhere. Funny fact, well funny for me, his children are in boarding school.  I had never met anyone that had kids in boarding school.
  • A South American food importer.  A very nice guy, but every time he spoke he touched my knee.  I know it is the South American familiar way but I didn’t care for that.  Also it was hard to understand him and my Spanish is not great.  I am a talker, so conversation is a big deal for me.  It is not going anywhere.
  • A restaurant owner that was just a bit too old for me.  He is 64.  I am not ageist but it didn’t seem he could keep up with me and I don’t have dreams of retiring in Florida.  Nothing against Florida either.

This week and weekend I have a friend from Brazil staying with me so there was no dates, but next week there will be 3.  Stay tuned, if anything interesting happens you will be the first to know.

You are awesome!  The sooner you realize that the better.  Breath, be happy, be positive, eat chocolate, life is great, no need to stress, everything passes!

Wishing you all a blessed weekend! 🙂

“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” – Steve Maraboli

I may have lost a friend when I gained a conscience

07 Saturday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” – Elbert Hubbard

On Christmas Day I lost my best friend.  He got engaged! I know nothing needs to change but everything already did.

Let me explain:

We have known each other for over 5 years now. While this is not a crazy amount of time, in that time we managed to cultivate a very close relationship.  We have a relationship that is completely non-judgmental and honest. We both feel safe with each other to share everything.  So I tell him about my dates and he tells me about his work, daughter and life in general.

I have other friends, but he is actually the one that I tell everything, and that is hard for me to lose.

We dated briefly in the beginning and very soon realized that the age difference (16 years) would be too much to circumvent.   After a couple of months apart we drifted back to each other and managed to become just friends (without benefits).

Our chemistry is undeniably there but other than one tryst ages ago we have remained platonic.   We can never find a convenient time to meet for a drink, so we mostly text with some emails and phone calls in between. The texting has been constant, and so has the flirting.

At one point I did toy with the idea of friends with benefits with him since we have great chemistry but, first, I don’t think I am a “friends with benefits” type of girl and second by the time I was really considering it he had gotten a girlfriend.  The texting, flirting and friendship continued.   The fact that he had a girlfriend never bothered me and I never felt I was doing anything wrong.  I did feel that it would end the day when I got a boyfriend.

It bothered me that he never introduced his girlfriend to me.  He always said he was going to but somehow it never managed to happen, and after awhile I think I knew he never would, and I chose not to care.

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” – Pema Chodron

Things changed to me the day after he got engaged. I was aware that he was getting engaged, he showed me the ring and I was happy and excited for him.   The next day we were talking excitedly about his engagement and then the next moment the talk turned to sexual innuendos, just like old times, yet not so old. This time it didn’t feel right. It felt dirty.  I told him we needed to take a break.   He thought I was joking.

While I enjoy the friendship and already miss it, I don’t want to be a hidden friend, a secret.  I realize that he never mentioned me to her, and to mention me at this point may see weird and suspicious.

I would not want my fiancé (if I had one) flirting with a girl. I have been cheated on, I know the pain. How can I cause that on somebody else?  But am I really causing any pain?

He has texted  a few times since then and I haven’t replied, even though it has ben extremely hard to ignore him.  I don’t know what to do. Do I resume speaking to a friend that I care about and accept this friendship as is; or do I continue the silence until he never contacts me again?

I am very conflicted about this. I care for him and it hurts not to have him in my life.  But can we resume talking and never flirt again?  I have a lot of respect for him and yet I don’t respect his actions.  He is serious about this person so he shouldn’t be flirting with anybody else.

What is to be a friend?  It is to accept them completely and make no demands?  It is still loving them even though you don’t accept their actions?  Or is making them accountable and showing them the error of their ways?

“Friendship is the purest love. It is the highest form of Love where nothing is asked for, no condition, where one simply enjoys giving.”- Osho

Then again who made me judge and jury?

What is my problem?

  1. Am I jealous of him getting married? I don’t think so.. I could be married by now if I really wanted to.

2) Am I mad he never introduce me to the girlfriend? perhaps.  Why is he hiding me? To be a secret feels dirty, although I do agree it is a bit exciting also.

3) Am I disappointed in myself for flirting with someone that has a girlfriend and considering continuing on? Yes I guess I am.  I don’t have to flirt back.  I can just say we will not continue this line of conversation and he would not do it.  Yet every time he starts I am totally join in.

4) Perhaps I like the flirting when he was “available” and now that he is not I just feel that I am flirting with disaster.

I told a male friend about this situation and he thinks I am making a bid deal out of nothing.  He says that if I enjoy the friendship I should continue and not worry about it.  That is on him to think about his fiancee.  I am tempted.

But for now I am putting in a bit of time and space between us and we will see what happens.  At the end of the day he is not the problem at all.  It is me, I don’t trust myself!

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.” And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. – Kahlil Gibran

New Year, Time to Renew and Redo

02 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”  – T.S.Elliot

Now is about the time that I would stop and take account of the year that has passed.  I would pat myself on the back for the things I had accomplished and I would be mad at myself for the things that I had failed to do.  I am not doing that this time.

I don’t really care, the past is gone and I cannot change it, so there is no point in beating myself up over what has gone wrong.   As far as congratulating myself for what has gone right at this point would just make me rest on my laurels. And I feel I have been resting on my laurels way too much and for too long.

I am making peace with 2016 by understanding that I did the best that I could with the tools I had at that moment.  Perhaps I was lazy and complacent, but that it is what it is, it is done!

What I want to do today is embrace my future!  Time is such a precious commodity.  The time we have is limited and we never know when our expiration date is, so I need to stopping wasting time.

What does 2017 hold for me?  That is not the right question.  The right question is what do I hold for 2017?  How am I going to honor 2017?  How am I going to make it the best year yet?

What do I want in 2017?  And, most importantly, what are the sacrifices I am willing to make to get there?  Yes you heard me right, sacrifices!  I believe that every reward, every goal, every achievement involves some sort of sacrifice.  Without sacrifice there is no reward.  There are small sacrifices and there are huge sacrifices but there is always a price to pay.

Perhaps is sacrificing time with the family, perhaps is letting go of desserts for awhile, perhaps is devoting an extra hour to reading and education.  Perhaps is not contacting a person that is toxic to us.   Whatever it is I want to achieve it will involve my dedicating time, effort and energy.

I am successful, well perhaps your definition of success is different than mine.  To me success doesn’t mean money or material things.  To me success is going after what you want and achieving it.  I have done that and for every achievement there were sacrifices.

In 2017 I decide to sacrifice more, which, actually when one looks at it perhaps sacrifice is not the right word.  The right word is investment .  How much (energy, time, effort, etc) am I willing to invest?

What I know for sure is that continuing to do the exact same things I have been doing day in and day out will not achieve the results I want. I have to put in the effort, I have to let the Universe know that I mean business, that I am not just daydreaming.

I need to decide what I really want.   I need to write my plans down.  Get them out of my head and into paper and into life. What I am willing to do to get things done?  What are the fears I am willing to face?  What comforts and security am I willing to to let go to bring me closer to my goals?

Still I need to be mindful of the realities of life.  There will be things I have to do and there will be things I want to do.  Managing those 2 will be the key.  There are tons of dreams: more travel, more skiing, more culture, etc.   Then there are the realities: bills to pay, family to take care of, a job to worry about,etc.

‘Do more, talk less” will be my motto for 2017!  Writing more will be one of the things I will be trying to accomplish, not only writing here but also work on things such as short stories and such.

I am not going to waste time talking about losing weight or getting in shape.  I spent 2016 talking about it but not changing a thing.  There is no surprise that there were no results. My promise to myself is to try to respect more my body and treat it better.

I am going to take steps to expand, mind, social life, etc.  The idea is to expand my mind, my heart and emit positive energy and attract the same.  I want to make better choices of the people I surround myself with, books I read, films I watch.  Those are the foods for my soul and mind and I want to stop consuming garbage.

Online dating will continue full-force, not only as a tool to find a partner but a tool to know myself and learn about others.  Online dating means HOPE, it means that I still believe and I am still willing to put myself out there and try!

But above all in 2017 I want to make tons of mistakes, I want to do more, fall more and get up more.  I don’t want to play it safe.  I don’t want to be stationary.  I want to grow.  Similar to skiing, in life, if one is not falling, one is not learning!

My hope for you, as well as for me, is that we have the strength to make the changes we need to make in our lives.

“Cutting out drama… Healthy mind and body choices… Intent followed by action… Keeping real friends and letting go of the pretends… Livin’ clean for Twenty Seventeen!” – Steve Maraboli

 

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