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“It takes wisdom to know when to turn the page and courage to know when to close the book. Steve Maraboli

There is a certain inner peace that washes over you the moment you realize you have made the right choice…about anything… about romance, business, family, etc.

That is how I feel at this moment.  At peace with my decision.  Peace came the moment I valued and respected myself.  I am talking about my friend AL (from 2 posts ago).  When I think of him now, about his silence, respecting my wishes; and about my silence remaining strong and not contacting him it just feels right.  Of course there are still moments of missing, longing, and wishing for things to be back to the way they were before.  The choice is hard and painful and I have to keep working on it daily but knowing in my heart it is the right decision changes everything.   At this moment I feel that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be, all is right in my world.

I know he will contact me again, but I also know that I will not respond.  For my sake as well as his.  Letting this friendship die this slow peaceful death is the right thing for me, for us, for everyone involved. I dare say that at this moment I am being a real friend.

I remember my Mom saying that for a cut to heal you have to stop touching it and let it be.  Same thing here.  I need to stop touching it and this is what I have done to help me achieve that:

  • I needed to stop looking at pictures.  I deleted them all.
  • I needed to stop re-reading messages.  All emails and texts deleted. There were almost 5 years worth of emails and to read some of them now was painful and it took all my strength not to keep them.
  • I needed to stop waiting for his texts/phone calls.  I blocked his number, so now even if he calls I don’t see it.  I even removed him from my LinkedIn Network.
  • I needed to stop thinking of him.  This is definetly the right one, but when he does come to mind, I think of him with gratitude and let the memory fade away.  I know that they will eventually stop.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

It takes courage to walk away, it takes courage to be silent…It would be so much easier to reach out or to reply…to just continue as if nothing happened.  I miss the banter, I miss his face, I miss his accent, I miss the pictures he used to send.  I miss it all.

The easier and more fun road would be to continue as is, flirting non-stop, having a drink every now and then and ignoring the huge elephant in the room – his fiancee.  But since when did I start taking the easy road?  Since when is the easy road ever worth taking?

He cares about me, that I have no doubt, but his actions are not saying that.  His actions towards the fiancee feels even worst.  I don’t condone it and I don’t want to be a part of it.  I can’t continue going along with something just because I care about the person.  Love doesn’t excuse or justify bad behavior.   It was foggy before when I was in the middle of it, now that some time and distance has gone by I see his actions clear.  It stinks!

I realized I was not respecting myself when I was allowing myself to be in a situation that does not make me feel valued as a friend, a woman and as a person.  I was enjoying the attention, but is that all I crave?  If I am not treating and giving myself respect, how can I expect it from others?

Truth is, similar to romantic relationships, sometimes friendships do have to come to an end.  It is hard, painful, but necessary.  We can’t start to heal until we let it go completely.

In 2017 I decided to surround myself with good energy and get rid of everything, people included, that is in the way of that.  Letting AL go is a good start.

At this moment I say a silent prayer thanking him for his short, but meaningful presence in my life.  From my every being I wish him nothing but absolute happiness and contentment.  He taught me love, friendship, non-judgment and open-mindedness.  He came at the right time.  He didn’t know that, but he picked me up when thoughts of my ex left me drowning in my tears.  He also taught me self respect and self love and in learning that I have to let him go, or is it in letting him go I learned self respect and self love? A lesson learned through him all the same.  He came for a reason and left for a reason.

This friendship was never meant to be forever.  The best lesson for me here is to make peace with the fact that some things are transient. I have to be okay with goodbyes to be able to truly enjoy the hellos!

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi