Monthly Archives: January 2016

It’s not you, it’s me!

30 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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MF and I bonded over our love of Seinfeld.  Unfortunately in breaking up I will have to use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine.  He will react as surprised as Seinfeld, as it seems all is going well.  And it is, because I have been willing to ignore the lack of passion and certain nagging feelings.

I realized that I have been trying to convince myself that he can be the one.  I have been forcing it and trying to make it work.  Love cannot be forced.  Chemistry cannot be created and it doesn’t magically appear.  It is either there or not there.

I took the day off from work yesterday and went skiing with him.  We had a great time… as friends on a day out.  Romantically something was missing.  Something has been missing from day one.

We just don’t match in the romance and intimacy department.  I thought he was just shy and nervous in the beginning and that things would improve.  They did improve but not enough.  We are just different and expect different things.

He is a great friend and a great company. He is kind and considerate. He is up for anything I want to do or try.  I am going to miss the company and I hate to hurt him but leading him on is not fair.

I will be back to having to do things alone, but I much rather that than to feel I am using someone.  What I am going to miss most is the nightly phone call where I get to go on and on about stupid stuff and he so patiently listens.

Besides the lack of romance, there is this nagging feeling that something else is not right.  I have a feeling that there is something I don’t know.  He has been very open with me, but still there is this feeling that I cannot shake it.

It may sound silly but I am not willing to ignore this unsettling feeling.  I am also not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without sex.  If this relationship, that is barely 3 months old is already this passionless, I cannot imagine it 6 months down the road.

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” – Vincent van Gogh

We don’t see each other often and when we do we already act like we have been married for 20 years.  I want a man that cannot wait to see me and take me in his arms, as in my past relationships.

I have already talked about that with him a month ago.  I mentioned my needs and wants.  He asked me to be patient and to give us a chance.  I feel I did.  To keep going when I know something is lacking will make me feel like I am using him.

He is a great guy, hard-working, honest, great father, and many other great qualities.  Many women will love to be with him, but he is not the one for me. I tried to make it work, but it has gotten to the point that I settled for passionless.  I also now find fault with a lot things he does.  I am now like a dictator telling him exactly what he needs to do.  I don’t like that feeling.  I am becoming a critical nag.

I hope he understands my feelings and that he can still be my friend, as I love talking and spending time with him.  He mentioned in the beginning that we would always be friends, so we shall see.

I also feel that if I stay with somebody that is great but not the one, I am not leaving room in my life for the right person to arrive.  I am also impeding the other person from finding their true match.

I want everything or nothing at all.  I want a friend and a lover.  I don’t think I should have to choose.  Better alone than with the wrong person.

Now back to singlehood!

 

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda

Learning from the KC Chiefs’ loss

22 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  – Winston S. Churchill

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan.  How come a Brazilian New Yorker is a KC Chiefs’ fan?  I will explain: The ex boyfriend was a hardcore Chiefs’ fan.   I learned the rules of American football by not missing any games while the relationship lasted.  I even spent one week in River Falls, WI to go to the Chiefs training camp.  I also love an underdog and they certainly fit that category.

After the breakup I regretfully threw out or gave away everything that had to do with Chiefs. I incorrectly thought that  now that I don’t have the boyfriend I had to also relinquish the team, along with the house and the dog.  Later I realized that I didn’t have to lose the team because I lost the boyfriend.  Last year the Chiefs hired  Cairo Santos, a Brazilian player as a kicker.  They are the first NFL team to hire a Brazilian player.  I saw that as a sign that the Chiefs were meant to be my team.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  – Tom Bodett

This season after losing 5 straight games they go on to win 11 straight and were in the Super bowl playoffs.  I was excited, happy and hopeful.  Then they met the reigning champions, the Patriots. The Chiefs stumbled and fell.  The score ended at 20 to 27.  It was a winnable game.  There were chances.  What happened?

There is no precise answer, no one knows;  but I realized that their loss could teach me a few things:

  • Take advantage of momentum. Momentum was on their side.  Sometimes things are going our way and instead of keep going we stop as we get very close to the goal.  We tire, we get lazy, we lose faith and we end up missing the moment.  When things are going your way, be grateful and keep going, work even harder and don’t stop until achieving your goal.
  • Believe in yourself and in your achievements. I felt the Chiefs felt they were already lucky enough to get as far as they got after a dismal start.  Do you ever feel like a fake?  Sometimes I do.  Especially when I get praises from people.  Sometimes I doubt if I deserve all the praise and all the blessings I have.  When we have that attitude, when we start thinking that whatever we have is because of luck and not our hard work then we become powerless.   Luck can give out at any second.  Take ownership of your hard work.  Praise yourself. Recognize how hard you have worked to be where you are.  Be willing to work even harder to get farther.  Believe that God rewards the ones willing to put in the work.
  • Take advantage of opportunities.  The Chiefs had plenty of chances to turn the game around, but somehow it didn’t happened. Will they have another chance?  I hope so, but who knows.   How many times do you look back and realize that you have missed opportunities.  Looking back you realize you were so close and yet you gave up.  Hindsight is 20/20 but my point here is the need to make sure that we become more aware of present and future opportunities.  Some opportunities won’t knock twice; when it knocks try to grab it before it is too late.
  • Don’t defeat yourself before you even begin. I think the Chiefs never believed they could win against the Patriots.  How many times have you given up on something before even trying? We often think something is too hard and we are not good enough.  And at those times that we decide to try anyway we don’t give our all because we don’t believe our all will be good enough, so we go in half-hearted.  When you decide to do something give it 100%. Belief in yourself, do not sabotage yourself with self doubt.  Believe that you can be victorious.  Visualize yourself being victorious.

“Not all dreamers are winners, but all winners are dreamers. Your dream is the key to your future. The Bible says that, “without a vision (dream), a people perish.” You need a dream, if you’re going to succeed in anything you do.” – Mark Gorman

  • Don’t accept less than what you deserve. The Chiefs had a great season and were very happy to get to the payoffs, but getting close is not good enough. Coming in second is not good enough.  Aim high, aim for the top and don’t settle for less than the stars.  What do you think are you deserving of? In life you will get what you work hard for and you will get what you think you deserve.  The Universe is conspiring to get you what you want, aim high and don’t settle for less.
  • Don’t let obstacles paralyze you. The Chiefs knew the Patriots were a superior team.  The Patriots were, after all, the reigning champs.  The Patriots got into their head.  Don’t let hardships, obstacles and curve balls stop you on your way to getting what you want.  When we start thinking that the opponent/ goal is too far, too great, too hard, and too unattainable then we already lost.   Don’t let the size of the goal defeat you.  Have courage and trust your abilities!
  • Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop fighting.  The Chiefs had been giving their all up to the playoffs. Even while missing key players they had been able to win against stronger teams.  Did they think it was already in the bag? Was it a case of over-confidence?  Don’t slow down assuming something is already yours.  Dream but make sure you act to make that dream come true.  Nothing substitute hard work!

“Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.” – Sri Chinmoy

Problems, Rainy Vermont and Shy boyfriend

15 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

I am special, but not unique.  Everyone has problems, big and small.  What makes the difference is how we choose to handle them.

My plate is still full of problems and headaches at work and at home, but I am back to wearing my rose-colored glasses, so all is changed.  An adjustment in attitude and perception changes everything. I am taking ownership of my problems, instead of letting them own me.  I am actually enjoying them for the immense opportunity they offer.  I am relishing in the knowledge that they will not last forever.  This too shall pass!

I am also battling a bad cold this week that has left me achy and unfocused.  For a second I felt overwhelmed and like a victim.  It seemed everything was happening at once.  Why can’t problems and illnesses call in advance and make an appointment? I could just say : No, this week I have a cold scheduled, come the following week.  🙂

Now for the good stuff:  My boyfriend took me skiing in Vermont last weekend.   He knew I was dying to go skiing so he made it happen.  Too bad he couldn’t do anything about the weather.  We had to take our skiing lessons in the rain.  It was awesome anyway.

While in Vermont we also went to see comedian Jim Breuer.   He was great, but so loud (am I getting old?).  The comedian that opened for him, Chris Monty, was hilarious.  It was great to spend a weekend of laughter and adventure, and forget about problems.  Well, a tenant called complaining about water issues in the middle of Sunday, but I was able to make some calls and then get back to the fun.  Anytime issues came to mind I would get into the gratitude mode and just chant: thank you, over and over again.  It works!

MF, the boyfriend, is so sweet.  He is trying hard to make me happy and make this relationship works.  Still cautious and  unsure,  I proceed taking one day at a time.

There was a moment in Vermont when I made him uncomfortable.  We were in a pub after the comedy show and I decided to have, not one, but 2 cosmopolitans.  I will normally have a glass of wine or a cocktail when out socially, 2 max.   I never got drunk and don’t want to start now.  I am a control freak so the idea of being drunk terrifies me.  Still one glass is enough to make me even friendlier and happier.

There weren’t that many people in the pub and at one point I hugged and kissed him.  He called it making out; I thought it was just flirtatious behavior.  I don’t think it was bad, I know how to behave.  He is very shy, I am very not.  He had mentioned he had no problems with PDA so I was a little taken aback by his discomfort.  He doesn’t want to make a big deal of this difference and says he will be able to adjust.  First, I wonder if someone can really change and second, I wonder if I want someone to change for me…

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

 

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV