Monthly Archives: August 2015

A baby made me cry

26 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

*“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” 

There is this one guy, I will call him J., I wrote about him before. We met in the train while commuting to work several years ago.  There was an immediate attraction, so we enjoyed many flirtatious train trips.  I didn’t have a boyfriend but he was married.  We didn’t want drama, so it ended before it began.  It became a friendship.  (yeah, yeah, I shouldn’t have been flirting with a married man to begin with, I am a shameless flirt, but I am older and wiser now) We kept in touch on and off. Years later when he got divorced he called me and asked me out for a drink to catch up, but at the time I was living with EX and I didn’t think it was a good idea so I declined. He understood.

After EX and I broke up J. and I met up again but by this time he was seeing someone else. Soon after that he got married.  I was a tad surprised by the marriage as I didn’t expect someone to get married so soon after a crazy divorce.  Not everyone feels they have to spend time mourning the demise of a relationship like I do.

*Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

Fast forward to today.  I saw he had a new picture on LinkedIn and sent a quick note saying I like the picture and saying I hoped he was well.  After a couple of replies he tells me that there has been some personal changes, and I guessed, correctly, that he had become a father again, after all, as they say, after marriage comes baby and carriage.

I am very happy for him.  A new baby is always a good thing.  Immediately I realized that tears were welling up in my eyes.   Why am I getting emotional?  Having a baby was never a dream of mine.  I didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage and kids.  But still, somehow, there is this poetic sadness in my heart.  That could have been my life; that could have been my baby.  I think of the irony of timing and space.   Perhaps if we both had managed to meet up when we didn’t have other people in our lives, perhaps, perhaps…

At times I like the idea of a baby, I even long for one, but having a baby is no longer an option, it is not longer up to me…that ship has sailed.  It would be awesome to have that choice forever.  There are always options, I affirm to myself.

*“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

Reality is that J. and I would never be a great long lasting match.  There was chemistry and mutual admiration but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain it.  We would be great partners in some project but not in love.  My sadness over “what if” is unwarranted.  If we were meant to be and if I really liked him and he liked me we would have made it happen.

Stubbornly tears fall, and yet through tears I realize how awesome my life is and how I would not have it any other way.  God has a plan and I trust in that!  I am where I should be, baby-less, husband-less, but content, blessed and grateful!

I am blaming a poor baby for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, but he is not the whole reason behind the tears.  It has been an emotional day.  As soon as I got to work I got a call that my mother was in the emergency room with chest pains.  She is fine now; it was just a false alarm.  But that was enough of a reminder of how far, geographically, I am from my family.  I am reminded that one day I will get a phone call that will cut me like a knife, what will I do then?  A feeling of powerlessness invades me and tears threaten to fall.  I let them.  There is nothing I can do but pray for a peaceful heart and mind.

*“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” 

*All quotes by  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A little about me, but it is not all about me!

22 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

DATING

I am happy to report that I haven’t heard from any of those 2 crazy dates I had.  I have exchanged texts with that doctor I had 3 greats dates with, but it went nowhere.  I really don’t understand what happened as everything was always great and, even in text, we always have so much to talk about.  I thought the worst that could happen was that we could have been amazing friends.  Oh well, I am not going to lose any sleep over that and I will trust the Universe’s decision.

I have had dates with 2 seemingly normal guys.   One was with an IT guy that travels a lot for business.  He texts me every now and then.  It seems he is waiting for me to ask him out (he will have to wait a real long time).  The other was with this guy that has a Heating/Cooling business.  He talked about hanging out on Sunday (tomorrow).  I said I would call him about it, but since there is no real chemistry I don’t feel like wasting his or my time on a second date. I will leave space for him and I to find the right people.

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ― Steve Maraboli

***

WORK

Right now I am going a bit nuts with setting up offices in TX, IL and FL.  We hired 3 employees that don’t want to move to NY, so even if it is just for one or 20 employees I still have to go through the trouble with filling paperwork for a myriad of things, such a new leases and new unemployment accounts.  Hopefully these new hiring will be successful.  Our tries at expanding before weren’t successful, we are still trying to recover from those losses. My boss is an Aries like me, so he is a go-getter, adventurous and not afraid of taking a chance.  We shall see what will happen.  For now I am being positive and doing my part to help it be successful.

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

DOCTORS

I decided to pay a little more attention to my health as I have been lax on that.  I haven’t gotten a physical in 2 years, but I am faithful to my OBGYB.  This year I got a bit scared as she detected a little cyst.  For a second I saw my life flashing before my eyes.   For now we decided not to do anything about it, just take a wait and see approach.  It was a good wake up call to think about health instead of vanity.

The eye doctor graduated my prescription (as I knew he would).  I scheduled a physical with a new doctor. She is a geriatric doctor and has great reviews so I am excited.  Next I am thinking of going to an Allergist to check on my shellfish allergy, do I really have it?  I hope to get that question answered.  I also want to get to a dermatologist, and I am also thinking about seeing a hypnotist.  Can he/she help me with my sugar/bread addiction?  I am saving my recurring hip issues for last as I know that I will have to dedicate a lot to that.

And as I am thinking more about getting healthier I am getting even crazier about sugar and carbs.  That is all I want to eat. 😦

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates

***

THE WORLD AROUND

I just watched a documentary called “On The Way to School”.  While I believe that the filmmakers could have done so much more with the topic, I am in love with the message. It reminds me so much of my childhood, not that we were that poor or that far from schools. But of how hungry my sister and I were for knowledge and of how my parents (that have only gone to third grade) always believed that education was key. We didn’t have access to books but we would read anything we got our hands on, from the writing on food can labels to Walt Disney’s comics that we were lucky enough to borrow from a vendor in a flea market.

I think every school child, well actually everyone, should be required to watch it.  It would perhaps instill in them the appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to attend school, among other opportunities.  Everyone can benefit from seeing how some people in other parts of the world live (I am aware that there are people living in poverty in the US also).  I feel kids (and adults too) nowadays take everything for granted. There is so much available, that things lose their value.  Even though there are many problems with education in the US, what I see is that the opportunity is there for those that are willing to put in the work.

“We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing, we must follow that logic”  this line is said by one of the children featured in the documentary.  How incredibly wise! It is an amazing powerful phrase that makes me think about our purpose here; and how much material stuff we really need to live on.  Are we focusing on the right things?  Or along the way we got lost and all of a sudden to have the latest fashion is the most important thing in the world?

There are many messages in this film but to me they are:

  • Stop craving more and learn to live with less (material stuff)
  • Be grateful for everything and act as such
  • Don’t take things for granted, pay attention to what you have
  • It is not always about me, there is more to live than me and my apartment
  • It is about “we” as a world that needs to take care of each other and specially our children
  • Be respectful of people’s culture, and see beauty in the differences
  • Happiness is a choice, is a smile.  Happiness is hope!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

Fast car, Slow speech, Cheap date: No Future!

14 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

C360_2015-07-12-17-16-29-494

 

“By seeking and blundering we learn.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This is how I ended my last post (when mentioning a date for that night):

“He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! Lol”

Well, the answer is:  It was really good and then really bad!

It is amazing how it can go from great to insane in one day.

At his insistence we went to a very expensive restaurant in New York City.  I mentioned it was not necessary and that he should choose a less expensive place, but he insisted and said that I could pay for the drinks if it would make me feel better about it.  I agreed.

We spent over 2 hours at the restaurant.  Conversation flowed.  He seemed honest and caring.  At the end of the evening I felt so comfortable with him that I accepted his offer to drive me home.  It was out of his way but he said it would give us a chance to talk more.  I think he wanted to show off his car, a brand new Porsche Macan.  While I don’t care about material things, especially cars, I couldn’t help but love the red leather interior.  I love red leather anything!

The drive home was fast and fun.  He held my hand and it felt natural and comfortable. It all seemed just perfect. When we got to my building he walked me to the entrance and kissed me on the cheek. Ten minutes later he called me from the car to say that he would like to see me again.  He also asked me to give him one month to get to know him; he asked that I did not date other people during that one month so that he would have my undivided attention.  I said I would think about it, but, really, I was okay with that.

I was very excited about this date.  He seemed very smart, with good job that he loved, a respected professional, handsome (which is surprising because I normally don’t go for handsome).  I saw and felt potential.

The next day (Friday) he texted me to say he really enjoyed meeting me the night before and to invite me to go hiking on Sunday.  I loved the idea! I said I would call him after work to discuss the details.

I called him around 7pm.  What happened next is very hard to find the words to describe:  The phone rang, he picked up but there was no Hello, there was what it seemed like a conversation in a very slurred voice going on in the background.  At first I thought that perhaps he didn’t realize he answered the phone and the TV was on.  I kept listening and trying to make sense of whatever I was hearing, which seemed to be a far away mumbling voice.  After awhile I said hello again, a bit louder and firmer this time.  Then I heard something like:  I am fine but just feeling a bit discombobulated.  I said: excuse?  At this point I told him that I thought something was wrong with my phone and asked him to speak louder.  He did speak louder and now there was a bit less slurring, but instead of having a conversation he immediately launched into a monologue about Winston Churchill and the war.  He kept talking and talking, and I was thinking to myself, is this guy drunk or on drugs, and how I can get out of this.

At this point I knew in my gut that there was no future in this relationship. Well I actually knew it when he first picked up the phone.

Finally I was able to get a break in the monologue and I asked: Is this a book you are reading?  He said it was a documentary.  After he talked about Churchill some more, I asked another question and we actually started having a conversation.

As time went on, his speech seemed to get better. After telling me how he enjoyed meeting me, he started talking about this one month of dating that he had in mind.  He said: “We need to talk about the dates.  If we are seeing each other for one month, about 2 dates a week that will be at least 8 dates, how do you want to do it?”

Even though I had already decided not to see him again, I asked:  Do what?  He then says:  “Who pays for what?  I pay for one date, you pay for the next?”

I was floored!  I don’t mind paying for things, but for a man to ask something like that after one date it seems in very poor taste.  If he cannot afford a second date, then he shouldn’t be dating.  I said I had never been asked that before so I didn’t know what to say.   He went on and on how that was the fair thing to do and it is best to get money issues out of the way.  He said I am his first date in over 2 ½ years and that the previous girlfriend spent over 10K of his money.

There was a lot conversation about money and dating, with him trying to make me understand where he was coming from and with me telling him that I was not his ex-girlfriend.  At one point I offered to write him a check for my part of the dinner the night before.  I also reminded him that I didn’t want to go to an expensive place in the first place (to which he said he wanted it to be memorable and wanted it to become “our” place).  I also reminded him that I had gladly paid for the drinks.

At some point he started backpedaling and telling me to forget about this issue of paying for dates.  He said that we should just meet and see where it goes. I told him I was going to think about it all and call him in the morning.  I already knew where I stood but I knew that he would continue to try to convince me otherwise.  We said good bye and hung up, but 10 minutes later he started texting me.  One of the many things that he mentioned in the texts was that he would pack sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly for Sunday so that we wouldn’t have to worry about paying for lunch.  I told him that he was missing the point.  To get him to stop with the texting I again said he needed to give me time to think about it.

Finally when he continues with the texting I just tell him the answer is no.  No to the hiking and no to seeing him again. Then he starts calling me.  I didn’t answer.   On the 4th call he left me a voice mail breaking up with me.   Yes, he broke up with me! 🙂

I have never been so relieved about being broken up with! He said I have issues with money, and that even though I was a great person and he would love to see me again, the money issues were too much. He went on and on about both, how great I am and how I have issues with money.

I don’t want to go in detail to protect his privacy but he had mentioned needing to go to therapy and taking antidepressants at some point in the past.  I was a bit alarmed by that but I appreciated his honesty and openness.  I also liked that he gotten help when he needed.  I am now assuming he is still taking antidepressants and perhaps on Friday, his day off from work, he took one too many.   Whatever the issue maybe I feel sorry for him because it seems he definitely has an issue that needs to be addressed.   I also feel that even though he seems like he is taking steps to protect himself, he seems primed to be taken advantage of again.

After being spoiled with mostly normal to great online dates I now have had 2 doozies.  They both had issues that I am not willing to handle.  I am feeling so blessed that I got to discover those issues right away, before I started trusting and liking them and let my guard down.

Perhaps I am the one with issues as I am still not giving up online dating.  More mistakes made.  More lessons learned.  More stories to tell and write about.

“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

***

On a good note, I am right now waiting for delivery of my new mattress. Yippie!!!  All I need now is the boyfriend! 🙂

Date or Nightmare?

06 Thursday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

Do you know what happened when I let down my guard for one second?  I had the date from hell!

I normally don’t take long to decide to go on a date with someone, but by the time I set a date I already know a lot about him, as I am the queen of Googling and finding information about people.  This time I didn’t bother doing any research.  We spoke on the phone and he seemed okay.  I figured there would be no harm in meeting him for lunch on a Sunday a couple of blocks from my home.

He seemed very secure and very accomplished so I was curious about him.  The date started okay.  Before I got to the restaurant he spoke to the chef and pre-ordered a few small plates.  He said he didn’t want to waste our time together reading the menu.  The problem with that is that he continued to remind me throughout the date how nice and considerate he was by doing that.  Right away upon meeting him I asked to see a picture of his daughters.  He showed me pictures and a video of the youngest, a 4 year old.  He found at least 2 women to have kids with – That is a crazy thought after what I have seen!

He kept listing his accomplishments and knowledge.  He was indeed knowledgeable, but really accomplished people don’t have the need to flaunt it.  I also had to hear countless times about his antique yacht, antique Ferrari, and all other antiques he owned.  He said no women (or man for that matter) could ever intrigue him or teach him anything because he knows everything – yes, he did say that more than once.  Still I continued to sit there and listen with an open mind.  I kept hoping that eventually we would start talking about something more interesting than himself (perhaps me –  Lol) .

I kept thinking that perhaps he was just a tad eccentric and not a total jerk.  Some people are so intelligent that they are a little lost in social situations and seem a little disconnected with reality.  I was willing to give him that.  I knew we had no future but still I was still trying to keep an open mind and was looking for the lesson.  I am all about learning.  Can he teach me something?  Well he taught me to be more careful next time and to follow my instincts.

He mentioned how beautiful and sexy I was but that was the extent of his interest in me or whatever I had to say.  Don’t read too much into him finding me pretty, he also mentioned he was handsome and there was nothing handsome about him.  Anyway, who says out loud that they find themselves handsome?

He was already planning the 2nd date:  kayaking near his home and 3rd: a seafood meal in City Island (a small island not far from my home).

Still he seemed considerate to the staff in the beginning.  Later he complained that they had lowered the AC and raised the music in an effort to get us to leave.  That is when I said we should leave because I felt he was going to actually make a big deal of that.

As we were walking in my neighborhood towards my front door he kept pointing out some issues with the design of some Mercedes tires and disks (yes, among many specialties he is also a specialist in Mercedes).  While pointing at a car, a man standing next to it asked him if there was something wrong with the car.  I didn’t find a problem with the question or tone of it.  I too would be curious if someone was standing next to my car and pointing at it.  My date took issue with the question, he said: Why, are you the owner? His tone was rude and confrontational.  I shrank.  The man said no.  He proceeded to say that the guy was clearly lying and that he was the owner.  I made sure to keep walking so he had no choice but to walk away with me, pointing out to me that that is one of problems with the US, liars like that man.

At that moment I decided I was never going to see this man again (I was willing to put up with a know it all, but I draw the line at rudeness and lack of social skills and social awareness)

I should have said good bye at that point, but no, instead I continued to go and show him my favorite fruit store.  From there we walked a block to my apartment.  Here is another big mistake: When we stopped at the entrance door to my building I blurred out that I wanted to go across the street to the dollar store to get a folding chair.

So we crossed the street and went there.   The usual store keepers weren’t there and the ones that were there were a bit confused.  They kept tried telling me what kind of chair I wanted.  I told them that the chair I wanted was not on the floor and needed to be retrieved from upstairs.  I am the world’s most impatient person but still that didn’t bother me.   But my date kept getting increasingly upset.

Finally they bring the chair I want down, but now the problem is they don’t know the price.  I tell them I paid $10.00, but they say they still need to call the boss.  I am okay with that, perhaps is cheaper than that.   My date is going crazy at this time.

He starts telling me that now they are not only wasting my time but they are also calling me a liar.  I am not answering him or engaging him and that’s when he turns to the young man behind the counter and asks him why all the merchandise don’t have prices on and if he understand that that is illegal.  Whatever answer the guy gave him was not good enough.  Now he is telling him that he is a professor of Finance and he knows more about that subject than him.  When the man tries to interject and say something my date became furious.  He then says the guy was rude and should not talk to him like an equal as they are not equal and he is at a much higher level.  How dare him talk to him like they are on the same level, and it kept escalating. At one point he called the man an animal.

I was shocked, I froze.  I couldn’t believe I was listening to those words.  At this point I felt like I was on that TV show: “What would you do?” and I am ashamed to say that I have failed.  When I watch the show I always like to believe that I am going to be the person that is going to speak up and defend others.  I didn’t!  All I wanted was to get out and not let the situation get any worst.

At that point I just walk out and he follows me continue to spew his indignation, he kept going on and on on how he is going to report that store.; how he is going to make phone calls and close it down.  How he knows the governor and they all know him.  He says that he will write a letter and that in less than 2 months that store, and all others affiliated will be closed.

I still cannot believe what just transpired, well, it is still transpiring, because he is still talking.  I am thinking of how I can escape, so finally I cut him off and I just say good bye.   He leaves telling me he is going to call me to schedule the second date.

I am relieved and run inside. Was that just a dream?  I mean, nightmare.

I am embarrassed and wished I had behaved differently.  The man behind the counter in the store was an immigrant like me; so it is an additional reason why I should have stood up for him.  I should have said to my date how delusional he was being.  Still I am not sure if I would do things differently next time.  I think he has serious mental issues that need to be addressed and I am not qualified to do it.

I didn’t go back to the store yet.  I still want the chair.  Perhaps I should tell them that I have no idea who that guy was and that he just followed me in. 🙂

That experience was surreal, scary, and served as an eye-opener.  All my dates are mostly nice normal men so I was starting to get careless about doing my homework before meeting someone.  I actually considered never doing online dating again.  That thought lasted a total of 5 minutes.  I realized that there are jerks everywhere.  I realized I am blessed for having seen this man’s  true colors right away.

Right now I am getting ready for a date that sounds amazing.  I know everything about him.  He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! lol