Monthly Archives: January 2014

I am not yesterday’s mistakes!

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth

Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth – I love this painting for what I see in it, while some may see despair, I see hope!

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” –Steve Maraboli

I am not my mistakes of yesterday!

I am today! I am now!  I can be a whole new person and not let yesterday define my tomorrow.  Yesterday was a lesson that I needed to learn!

So I had too much chocolate cake yesterday.  So I wasted time talking to a guy that I know is not good for me!  So I watched too much bad TV.  So I didn’t exercise!  So what?

None of that is a death sentence! None of that has to be forever! All of that is me, parts of me that I struggle with. I own it, I face it, I struggle with it, I defy it, I make promises, I repeat it and then I try again the next day.  It sounds like a vicious cycle, but it doesn’t have to be.  I can change it with every new day, with each new second.

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” –Steve Maraboli

Not everything is under my control, but a lot is, and what I choose to do with my life is.  I have free-will!

I finally realized that I am not as nice to myself as I think I am.  I still beat myself up for indiscretions that I, time and time again, promise not to repeat and I realize I am making matters worse.  It is important for me is to be less judgmental and more accepting of my flaws.   Trying so hard to be so perfect is making me weaker and more susceptible to continue the cycle.  Acceptance is key!

I can spend today regretting yesterday and admonishing myself.  Or I can face it, and understand the fact that I am weak when faced with certain things. I can come up with strategies and ways to make sure I change that which needs changing.  I can tell myself to move on.

 “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”     –Steve Maraboli

I am not changing over night, and expecting instant results is the fastest way to fail.  I am not swearing off sugar and throwing my TV out of the window.  Moderation, moderation – That is the route that I think it will work for me.  Baby steps!

I can (and should) ask for help, from God (the Universe/the Light), from writings, from people. I don’t want the challenges removed.  I want strength to deal with the challenges. And with each new challenge I grow stronger.

I can pay attention and learn to identify the trigger situations and get better at dealing with them.  Planning is a great defense to make sure that the cycle gets broken.  The Boys Scouts are right, “Be Prepared “is a great motto to have!

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” –Steve Maraboli

I love myself and because I love myself I am going to be even nicer to myself, my body, mind and soul.

I am who I want to be! I am not who I was yesterday or one minute ago.  I am going to start acting like the person I want to be, fake till I make it.

I am my words, thoughts, feelings, and more important; I am my actions!  Words and thoughts alone without action are meaningless, still that is where it all starts.   Thoughts become words, which then get translated into actions. I have to act my thoughts and feelings!

It is important that I continue to populate my mind with positive things, that I read the right things, that I watch the right things, that I have the right friends.  By right I mean, that which will help me continue on this path that I am choosing for my life:  a simpler and yet more purposeful and rewarding life to me and those around me.

Moral of my story:  forgiving myself, learning the lesson and moving forward always!   Inching towards my goals is better than being stationary or moving backwards!

 “If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” –Steve Maraboli

 

Skiing is living and Making peace with all things Ex!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *

November 28, 2013

My skiing trip is all planned!  Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney!  There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:

1)    Practice makes it perfect.  I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it.  Nothing is unattainable!  I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *

2)    Being challenged.  I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it.  The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson.  In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself.  It is the perfect analogy for life.  We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential.  Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless.  The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all.   Keep on falling…and getting up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*  

3)    Freedom from thought.  At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me.  I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich.  I feel blessed to be able to experience this.

“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*

4)    Being self sufficient.  This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning.  I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of.  This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self.  The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!

I want to live as I ski, boldly!  Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!

“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”* 

5)    Making new memories.  Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler.  The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible.  It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing.  On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again.  Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!

“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *

******

Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.

  “And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *

  • His mother.  I don’t have to stop talking to his mother.  My relationship with his mother has become even stronger.  There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t.  She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *

  • Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them.  I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one.  Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy.   I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team.  The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
  • Skiing and Tennis.  I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex.  ( is lying and cheating a sport?).  I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *

The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex.  My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment.  I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me.  I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed.  I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *

*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!

Don’t wait for anything or anybody, go ahead and do it!

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Snowmass, CO - heavenly!!

Snowmass, CO – heavenly!!

I have been procrastinating planning a skiing trip since the beginning of December.  I finally realized why.  I have been waiting!  I have been waiting for the right time, the right location, the right weather, the right price, but most important and most disturbing to me, I have been waiting for company, for someone.  I have been waiting for a miracle in the form of a person.

I have been waiting for someone to step up and say: I want to go skiing with you!  I had this crazy idea that by now I would have met someone, not to love me, but just to ski with me.  No such luck!   Well, perhaps the luck is in not finding someone and to have to face certain truths.

It has been a daily thing.  I get up motivated thinking today is the day that I will make decisions as far as my trip is concerned.  I start researching places and dates and all of a sudden it all seems too much and I let it go.  I keep coming up with excuses:

Excuse #1: It is too much money! Truth: I am a wise spender and like to indulge on this I love such as skiing trips and massages.  Plus I have been saving for it!

Excuse #2:  It is not the right time to be away from work.  Truth: There never seems to be a perfect time to be out of the office.  I have done it many times before and everyone survived.

Excuse #3: I am sure the moment I plan something I will meet someone and the plans will conflict.  Truth: It could or it could not happen, but waiting for it is dumb.  If I meet someone, they can either fit in my plans or they can wait until I am done with my plans.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”
― Pablo Picasso

I have been guilty of doing something that, a long time ago, I had vowed never to do: To wait for someone to do something with or to get something done.  Shame on me! I should and I know better!  I have done so much alone, with no issues or problems.  It is time to get back to that fierce independence, and just get out there and do it!

My beautiful (she is my identical twin lol) and wise sister said to me today: What is going on?  You always went on trips alone and you always had a lot fun! Stop making excuses!

My advice to you and at the same time to me is: Don’t wait until tomorrow and, most important, don’t wait for others!  Start living the life you want now!  All it takes it a first step! Embrace yourself, embrace now! (Are you listening Miss Blessed?)

The right time is now!  The right person is you! You alone are enough!  If it needs to be done, needs to be done now!  If you want to experience something, try something new, a new sport, a new craft, whatever it is, start now!

What do you want to accomplish? Look into your heart, I am sure there is at least one thing you want to do or try.  Can you imagine if you had already started it last week, last month, last year?  So don’t waste any more time!

Don’t wait until you lose weight to wear the clothes you like, to take a trip, to go on dates.  Life doesn’t wait for anyone.  Life is going by while we make excuses not to live it.  Life passes while we make plans or, worse, plan to make plans. So instead we just watch life, we watch others all around us, we watch it on TV.  We make ourselves busy with nothing, instead of getting out there and doing something.

As soon as I post this blog, I will get focused on finalizing my trip details.   I am still all over the place, from flying to Utah at the end of January to renting a car and driving to Vermont in February, but I have faith that by Friday I will have it all set!

“Today is a new day. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!”
― Steve Maraboli

“A simple question provokes a momentary internal revolt”

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” ― Albert Einstein

Sometimes all it takes is an innocent question to make you doubt and second guess yourself.

As I was leaving work on New Year’s Eve a co-worker yelled out:  Who will you be kissing at midnight? If ever a question was painful, this one was it!  As I am waiting for the elevator I feel loneliness invading my being.

“Sometimes I get so immersed in my own company, if I unexpectedly run into someone I know, it’s a bit of a shock and takes me a while to adjust.” 
― Kazuo Ishiguro

All of a sudden it feels like the entire world as having a party and I was not invited.    The elevator doors open and I walk in, feeling like a zombie, feeling oddly disconnected from my body.  I am saddened by the realization that I will not kiss or be kissed by anyone on New Year’s Eve.  What a sin!

Up to that instant I was fine with being alone,  I was even looking forward to it.  I was proud of not having a problem being alone. I have been living away from my family for almost 30 years and I don’t have close friends living nearby, so I am no stranger to spending time/holidays alone.  It doesn’t bother me. I welcome it as a sign of my strength and independence.  The more time alone I spent the stronger and more independent I feel. So this feeling of loneliness was confusing me.

“We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship.”  ― C.S. Lewis

I stepped out into the cold New York air with my head buzzing with so many thoughts.  I welcomed the 10 blocks ahead of me as a chance to collect my thoughts and try to organize them in some coherent form. I could feel self pity invading me.

Those 10 blocks were spent looking inward trying to find the source of my feelings.  I was asking myself questions: What am I feeling? (cold, pain, self-pity)  Why am I feeling this way?(is it based on reality or is it based on what society wants me to feel like?) Do I want to do anything about it? (yes I do, I don’t play victim well, I rather be the strong, self assured and independent type) What can I do about it? (lots, I can start by shifting my thinking and focusing on only goodness)

“I never really understood the word ‘loneliness’. As far as I was concerned, I was in an orgy with the sky and the ocean, and with nature.” ― Björk

I am happy to say that by the time I reached Grand Central Station I had already snapped out of it, and was back to my bubbly happy self. But still this is was a good humbling exercise in self-discovery.

I will have moments of doubt.  I will have moments of feeling sorry for myself.  I will have moments of feeling lonely.  But none of those single moments define me or my future.  Those moments serve to get to know myself better, to teach me to discern my feelings and to appreciate all I have. It helps me to confront myself and ask myself hard questions.  It helps me to realize that it is okay to feel alone, weak, unsure, to have doubts, and a whole host of negative feelings and emotions every now and then. I am only human and not a super-being!

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

The way I got out of that victim mentality was to realize that I was alone by choice. And what amazing gift is to have choices!  It is up to me to change whatever I am not happy with, but in this case there was nothing to change.  I was not and I am not lonely.  I am never alone, I have so many guardian angels.  I feel their protection often.  I relish walking into my empty apartment. It was just a second that I let “what the rest of the world is doing” get in my head.

I made a mental list of all the joys and blessings in my life – and there are so many! I am so loved by my family and I have so much love in my being for God, my family, friends, for all,  that is impossible to be alone. The list of my blessings is infinite!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”  –― Charlotte Brontë

I am alone, but not lonely, that is always how I feel.  I feel that my solitude is somewhat poetic and desirable. It is true that there are rare moments of loneliness.  Actually I wouldn’t call it that, I would call “moments of longing for someone”.  On a cold night such a tonight it would be awesome to have someone to cuddle with, actually it would probably save me some money on the utility bill.  I am a hot blooded passionate fiery Aries Brazilian woman, I have needs ! 🙂 But I don’t want just a warm body.  I want that special person. When the choice is being alone with somebody else or being alone by myself I will take being alone by myself every time!

“Language … has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a life living solo.   I am on a dating site because I think that life as part of a couple can be much better than single, but that is, only if I find someone that I think it is the right person for me.  I am advocating being happy and content the way you are at the present moment, not feeling that you need to be or do a certain thing, or do what you think is expected of you. Do what is in your heart!  Accept, love and respect yourself first! Love and appreciate all you have until you have everything you love and appreciate!

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” ― Rollo May

What I am saying is learn to spend time alone. Learn to spend time with yourself and appreciate the beauty of it.  Get close to your loneliness, make friends with it, have some coffee with it and realize that it is not so bad.  It can actually be very rewarding and productive.  At the end of the day we are all alone!

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”
― Albert Camus