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I hate to seem bitter and I hate to lose faith in mankind, but I am beginning to think that every man at some point in their lives will cheat.
I just don’t get it! Why can’t they keep it their pants? Do they need so much validation that they need to be charming another women?
Often times the person they choose to betray doesn’t compare to the one they have at home. I guess, as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I never even thought of looking at another guy. I was perfectly happy to make love to Ex the rest of my life, and I thought he felt the same way. At least that is how I took the tears in his eyes when we made love in the beginning. Yes, it is true, the first few times we made love he cried and I cried, because the connection was so intense. Do have a man cry for you while having sex is just beyond amazing, it made me feel even more certain that he was the one, my Prince Charming. And even now after I moved out, when we made love (and he refuse to call it sex), the way he held me tight just felt incredibly honest.
Women are fools!
At any rate, trying my best, as I tiptoe in E-harmony, to not change myself, to continue to believe that my Prince Charming is out there, to continue to believe in love and fairy tales.
Do you believe in fairy tales? Do you have your Prince Charming or are you still looking for him?
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 
When a man cheats, he’s not ready for a commitment of a lifetime. That’s how I see it
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I don’t think it is that simple. It is true that he is not ready, but I think that some men cannot ever commit or ever be ready. They are narcissistic and egotistical and don’t give a single thought to how much pain and damage they are causing. To say they are just not ready to me it is like giving them a free pass. There is a thing called honesty and loyalty.
Thank you for your comment and I am sorry if I sound bitter, but the pain is still fresh.
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Hello,
First, none of what you said sounds like bitterness. The comment above is not bitter either. However, I caution grouping all men together, just like I am against grouping all women together. I think that everyone, man and woman, has the potential to cheat. It is their personality, morals and self control that brings the potential into the realms of reality or not. I am not saying any of this because I think men should be given a pass on cheating, in fact I find it abhorrent when people use generalizations like “That’s just the way men are.” It makes me want to scream. Of course there are differences in the biology of the sexes, thus there is probably a differences in our thought patterns and decision making skills. However, I think that socialization has a lot to do with why men cheat, statistically, more often than women.
Men are high-fived when they sleep with women, they are encouraged to go after numerous women and to be the ‘ladies man’. Conversely, women are socialized to believe that our virginity is sacred, sleeping around makes you less than, and for fear of being branded a slut, most of us will never fully awaken to our sexual prowess or cheat. But the potential is still there. Do you know what I am trying to say?
There is a definite stigma against cheating, but it is interesting that it is not as looked down upon for a man to be cheating as a woman.
Anyway, I digress.
Do I believe in Fairytales? I really want to. I really want to live one, but no I don’t think they are practical in the modern world. This sets up a sense of disappointment and feelings of not being good enough in very young women.
Best,
xo – S.
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Hi S. Happy Mother’s Day! I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. Double standard is alive and well indeed! Like you I don’t want to let go of my fairy tale dream. Life would be too grim otherwise. We got to be believe that if we are good and honest, we will end up attracting the same! Happy Sunday and thank you for the insightful comment!
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I’m sorry but I disagree even with the concept of a “double standard” in this comment thread. It lends validity to actions that are just not deserving of consideration. In many discussions, there may be shades of grey, but when it comes to fidelity, there isn’t a “discussion”. The partners agree that the relationship is monogamous or they don’t.
There is no double standard. I agree some men (and women) didn’t learn the importance of the word “commitment” when they were young, but that’s no excuse for infidelity.
Infidelity is wrong for men and it’s wrong for women. When two people make a commitment to each other, they stand by their word. There are NO EXCUSES! There are NO DO-OVERS.
Old-fashioned? Yes…but some old-fashioned customs were established for a reason.
If your EX doesn’t understand, then perhaps he should have a discussion with HIS mother…but not with you. Say goodbye to The Loser and move on. (Sorry) There are many many good people out there who do understand commitment.
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Hi Jim
Thank you the comment. I agree that there are no excuses as far as infidelity is concerned.
And by saying there is a double standard in society I am, by no means, trying to make an excuse for men.
Men and women cheat! There are good men and there are good women period. I also think that there are more than that that defines a person. Again, not making excuses but allowing for people, as human, to make mistakes. The key, and what I think I have been looking for, is for a person to be man/woman enough to face up to it.
At any rate, this is my experience, perhaps coming from South America(where machismo still reigns), and living in NY for a long time, has colored my experience. But it is my experience that people react differently to a man that cheated versus a woman that cheated.
They are both equally wrong.
At any rate, I do believe that there are good men out there, I have met and I know a few, and there is one that will rock my world very soon – I hope!! 🙂
Thank you again for taking the time and sharing your thoughts!
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No, not every man cheats. Unfortunately, a lot of the media today encourages us ladies to think such a way — especially when the media touts celebrity men cheating on their female “significant others”. Just remember, that if a man cheats on you, don’t blame it on yourself that you could have been a better person in order to keep him from straying. Remember that if he cheats, all the blame is on him because he is weak with no morals.
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You are right, for a second back there I thought what could I have done better, different, more that would make things work and the big resounding answer was NOTHING!! I am proud and happy to say that when I look back I have no regrets I was 100% myself and I put 100% in the relationship. I realize now that he did me a favor. I just wished he could have been a little more upfront. Still looking beyond that and being grateful for the memories and good time and looking forward to the future. Thank you for the time to read and comment! 🙂
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But do you really want a Prince Charming?
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Great question! Of course the dream is to be rescued by a knight in shining armor on a white horse, but reality is, I just want a guy that has values similar to mine. A guy that will make me feel like a princess every day of my life – of course I am willing to do the same!
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You’ll find him. Keep looking. Don’t compromise.
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Thank you for the vote of confidence! 🙂
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Have faith in your fellow man-kind 🙂 Plenty of good loyal faithful ones out there.
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Thank you for your comment! Faith is all I have! I believe you and a good one eventually will find his way to me. It is just that the pain is still fresh, so some times doubt peak its ugly head. 🙂
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You know what I really think? I used to think good people will eventually meet each other, until I met my buddy big-Ben. He has been “saving himself” for 40 years!! I even blogged about him because it is just so incredible. Every woman he dates becomes either a disappointment to him or to her. My friends and I do our best to get him to meet the right one. He has this terrible mentality that all the good ones are already gone, and only thing remaining are the leftovers nobody wants 😦
He is on anti depressant right now and we are doing all we can to brighten his outlook.
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Some times I do think that men see me, as you put it, as “leftovers nobody wants”. Or some times, which perhaps is what people think of your friend, people think perhaps I am alone because I am too choosy. Truth is I just want an honest man that will treat me right. Men wants looks and they normally get burned going for that alone. Don’t get me wrong I am not bad in the eyes and look younger than my age. Anyway, I got talking about myself, let’s talk about your friend, when can I meet him? Just kidding, may be not Ben Affleck is so my type! I just hate to see people taking anti-depressant. He needs to look at all the blessing that he has in his life (your for starters seem like an amazing friend) and not focus on what he doesn’t have (a mate). He needs blind faith!! 🙂
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You sound like a wonderful wonderful person and there is part of me that says, wow maybe there is an equal and opposite Ben out there somewhere 🙂
I blogged his story under “40 year old virgin”and the reaction I get is pretty mixed. Some will say he sounds like a really good guy, while some says he has red flags all over the place :(. My last commenter gave a pretty good explanation as to why he is still single. Broke my heart a little because it is about my closest friend. But she is probably right in her view to notice all the warning signs that she is used to seeing.
I don’t know what kind of faith he has anymore. Part of me wants to tell him to just get it over with and see if that clears his head. I thought about passing his picture to some people I meet, but as one commenter said, he should do it on his own and represent himself. I’m just stuck in the middle wishing for the best for him. I can’t even begin to imagine what its like holding out for this long and wanting to be with somebody so badly.
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After reading your post regarding Ben, I can see the problem: expectations!! he has been dreaming about this perfect woman for so long that no one is going to live up to it. Also it seems that at any sign of problem in the relationship he takes off running instead of working on the problem. No relationship is going to be perfect, I am not saying he needs to settle, but give it more of a chance. Then again if I had any answers I wouldn’t be alone on a Friday night!
But more important when are you going to look at my e-Harmony page and give me pointers??
Great talking to you! You are a great friend! I will pray for you – just kidding! Have a great night and weekend! 🙂
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He does have a thing about matching virginity for virginity. At some point he definitely has to lose that way of thinking. I see your point about him running off prematurely. He says its because something happens and the girl reminds him of his first g.f, which he thought was gonna marry for sure. She is the one that left him in a restaurant to go party without him, and told him she’ll be back in couple of hours. His first love did leave him with lots of scars and bad triggers.
Hey what better way to spend Friday night than exchanging good stories across a gigabit line? lol. come on, good story is a good story, doesn’t matter if the person is right in front of you or on another continent…lol. So have you had better luck with eHarmony than my buddy? I was really shocked to see how much they charge. Seriously, for that kind of money, I hope you find the perfect person. You are almost obligated to marry somebody from eharmony because its the only way to get your investment back…lol.
Its always great to talk to a genuine nice person, I’m a big fan of nice people in the blogging world 🙂
I shall pray for Bens of the world and you 🙂 …that is no joke!
hope you have a great weekend, too.
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Still didn’t go to bed! I have absolutely no luck in e-Harmony (I wrote a post about it). I am thinking I need to get professional pictures done, but at the same time I don’t want to do it. I am so great I thought I would have to hire a social secretary to schedule all my dates, but so far I have not met a single person.
As far as Ben he needs to take some time and meditate and go back to that first girlfriend (in his mind), and all girls after that and look at each relationship and thank the person for what he learned from each relationship and let it go. To be carrying that baggage around still is just too unhealthy for him.
Really going to bed now, I am probably making even less sense that I normally make.
It was great meeting you! And genuine I am!!!
I welcome any and all prayers!!! 🙂
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It’s deeply unpleasant to be cheated on — as my first husband did to me. He was re-married within a year of leaving me (which was barely 2 years after we married; no kids.) But I had plenty of warning from watching his family (miserable parents’ marriage) and his older brother (2 divorces.) I waited a long time and finally married my 2nd husband last fall — when we were both 54. I also waited 12 years with him to do so, not because I didn’t trust him but because I’d been so burned.
No offense, but I hate the whole idea of Prince Charming. Men are just human beings, as we are. They are as weak and scared — or strong and ethical — as some women. You need someone who shares your values. I don’t want or need to feel like a princess. I do need, as my husband does, to be respected, listened to and loved.
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Thank you for your comment. I am not offended at all – we all have different ideas and hopes and dreams. I am holding on to the Prince Charming fairy tale, but at the same I am enjoying being single a lot, so if he comes, he comes, if not ok also. I am becoming more and more this great person I want to be with. As far as the cheating goes, just by writing that post I made peace with it and just do not think about – it is on him not on me. There are great people out there for me to meet:)
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Amen to that!
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There are other way to cheat besides adultery. Alcoholism. Drug Addiction. Violent and abusive or simply making the marriage the last thing on the priority list All cheat the other person who wanted a marriage. Thanks visit my blog.
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Agree completely! Commitment takes 2, so whenever one of them is not fully invested in it, or has his/her priorities elsewhere is not going to work. Thank you for the insightful comment!
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Well, I can speak for one man only, who does not cheat. When I turned to alcohol & drugs, it was because my ex was unwilling/unable to communicate and compromise. It was a poor choice by me, but I was always willing to try to make the marriage work. She was not. So her gift to me, besides two beautiful kids, was freedom. This set me on a path that has become better and better over the past thirteen years. I feel ready for a great relationship and still excited about life without one. ( :
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It was unfair of me to group all men together. I know that there are honest men out there (I had a very long term relationship with a man that didn’t cheat before this one). My post was written out of the frustration of not having answers to so many questions, actually 1 important question: Why?
He still contends that he loves me but he just needs to focus on his business. He says he didn’t cheat and he refuses to talk about it (the lack of willingness to communicate and make the relationship work, in a way similar to your story). I have made peace with the fact that I will never have answers.
Like you I now know he did me a favor. I realize that I was losing myself. The 3 years I spent with him, I spent trying to fit in his life and totally forgot about myself (not his fault).
Now I don’t even know if I ever loved him or I just wanted a fairy tale so bad that I made it up.
Similar to you I am very excited about my single life and working on being the best person I can be.
🙂
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I have met a few men who I believe won’t cheat. They do think about it, of course, but they wouldn’t betray their partner. Sad thing is, I haven’t wanted to be with those men much. The difficulty for me is not so much finding a man who doesn’t cheat, as finding one who doesn’t cheat AND I want to have sex with.
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Indeed, why are we attracted to bad boys, losers, pretty much anyone that is not good for us? anyway, I am working on that, I am building up my self esteem so much. Not only I am worthy of love, I worthy of great love! I am deciding to like who likes me (but of course there must to be attraction there!!):)
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First let me say that not every man cheats. I totally agree with what Jim said in that people either commit or they don’t. It’s no use mouthing the words and not meaning them, If you commit you stick to it. If you can’t then you must end the relationship before you move on as it’s not right to cheat and then come home to a partner, and that goes for both sexes.
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Totally agree! It is done by both genders and wrong no matter the gender. It would be good if everyone behaved with respect and honesty, but unfortunately there are sociopaths among us that don’t have an once of conscience and normally don’t even think they did anything wrong. It is up to us to spot them and move on! Thank you for the comment! 🙂
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To write off every man as a cheater is a cop-out. It’s a way to not look in the mirror and ask why your relationship/marriage was so lousy that this ONE man (or two) cheated on YOU. Or why you chose someone who was prone to cheat.
The reality? Women cheat in about the same percentage as men. And most people have cheated at one time or another in their lives. If you’ve ever flirted while in a relationship with someone else, you’ve cheated. If you’ve ever kissed someone else while in a relationship, you’ve cheated. If you’ve not broken up with someone until you already with the next person, you’ve cheated. Using this, I’ve read that about 80% of relationships experience cheating of some kind.
So instead of trying to write off men as a gender, look in the mirror. Make better choices. Be a better partner. Make sure you recognize their important needs and meet them, and make sure they recognize YOURS and meet them.
But to merely ask if all men are cheaters? Not only is that an unattractive attitude in a woman (if I was dating a woman, and she expressed this, I would run run run!), but it’s inaccurate. Men (and women) are individuals and more complex than that. The vast vast majority of cheating occurs because of flaws and deficits in the primary relationship.
And it takes two to tango.
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I appreciate your comment. Perhaps you have not noticed on the subsequent comments I have made, I made 2 things clear: 1) I don’t think all men cheat, and 2) women are equally capable of the same behaviors as man.
I don’t think I need to justify myself, but clearly I wrote that post in haste and from a very painful place in my heart. What I was feeling at the moment and the experiences in my life and around me.
I have asked myself all the questions, the 2 main ones being: 1) What could I have done differently? and 2) How did I choose him?
The answer to number 1 is: nothing. If anything I overdid in trying to be supportive, I completely let go of my life and myself and he definitely got all his needs fulfilled (but I guess he needed/wanted variety). One cannot read minds if your partner is behaving as everything is perfect, and you believe it is. Cannot try to fix what isn’t broken.
The answer to number 2 I am still trying to figure it out. When I met him I believed he was godsend, I thought I knew in my heart he was the man I was supposed to meet, so it has been incredibly hard for me trying to reconcile the fact that my heart could have been wrong since my mantra is: Follow your heart. The only way I justify it is by believing that there were lessons that I needed to learn and by rejoicing in the memories of 3 great years.
I do look in the mirror and often, as I believe in learning from the experiences and also exploring my role in it. What am I projecting to the world that I am getting back hurt and pain? How did I behave in this relationship and how can I improve going forward.
I think this whole experience has been necessary for my growth and I am trying to treasure and learn every day and from every moment of pain.
I am sorry if you felt so attacked that you needed to write what you did to me. It was not my intention to attack anyone, but to get my feelings out in the open and perhaps with that lessen that pain I have inside.
As you mentioned the majority of cheating occurs when there are problems in the relationship, but don’t forget there are a lot cheating going on when there is nothing wrong in the relationship. The man or woman just thought they could get away with it, without thinking for a second about their partner. They were bored, they were stressed, they were feeling insecure, whatever the reason maybe that they felt the need to feed their ego. They are sociopaths and they live among us.
As far as what I said not being attractive in a relationship, unfortunately I know I will never be able to please everyone. All I can hope is that the right man will find attractive my honesty and courage to say what it is my mind. The right man will see where my heart is.
It takes 2 to tango indeed, I would have appreciated if Ex had had the decency and respect to be honest with me and tell me he didn’t want to dance anymore, instead of going out and finding new partner(s).
Again, I appreciate your comment.
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ok. thanks for the clarification. I thought it was an interesting post such that i reblogged it on mine. I find that attitude very dismaying, and frankly, I think it’s self-defeating. I hope we can put this to bed. Some men cheat. Some women cheat and in about the same numbers. Most cheating is reactionary, not an issue of habit, although for some it is. I’ve seen a blog here by a woman who goes into details of the dozens and dozens of sexual encounters she has with men. Without shame or regret (she’s married). And I can point you to the anguished blogs I follow by three men whose wives cheated on them.
It’s not a gender problem. i’m not even sure it’s an American problem. But it is certainly an issue in a lot of relationships.
I’m to the point to wondering whether marriage actually works. Whether it’s normal or natural. Or whether it’s outmoded in our current society.
but no matter, it’s a tragedy that it occurs. It’s not justified, no matter what’s going on in your marriage. I’ve said it clearly.
but it’s not a problem genetic to men. To even say “not ALL men cheat” is virtually saying the same thing. Not even most do. And women apparently cheat in the same percentage.
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interesting article. Claims women cheat even more, but rationalize it away and claim it’s not cheating. Pot calls kettle black?
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Psychological-Reasons-Women-Cheat-More-than-Men&id=738666
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Not to burst your bubble, dear, but while looking for prince charming, fall in love with yourself first and learn to be complete without a man at your side. While it is nice to have ‘the other’ half, you should be whole all by yourself. Companionship is wonderful, however on the flip-side of that coin, loneliness beats a bad relationship any day of the week. Sometimes what starts out as wonderful, doesn’t end up that way, so it is best to be able to stand alone … just in case. 😉
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No worries, I am a big girl! I love myself and have no problems being alone – in fact I love my own company! My post was meant to convey the disappointment and heartache of being lied to! Thank you for the comment!
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And Amen to that too!
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Great thoughts. Not all men cheat, of course, but the ones that do don’t think about anything but the present, and they’re bored or frustrated and probably don’t know how to express that to their wife. I would never cheat on my wife for lots of reasons, morally and ethically, but also because there is no good way it could end. It’s too bad that society has normalized cheating to a certain degree, or at least lessened the stigma, since it hurts a lot of people.
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When I wrote that I was in a real bad place, mad at the world and all men! I am better now and do realize that there are a lot of decent men out there.
I still don’t know why my Ex did the things he did, and I am coming to terms that I will never have an answer for that. I like to believe that he was not intent on hurting me and that he is just confused and not sure what he wants out of life. I just wish him happiness and to anyone out there to choose honesty instead of cheating. gosh, why do tears still flow when I think about that? the hope for me is no more tears over this! 🙂
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