Tag Archives: deception

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 41 Comments

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

Relationship Smarts?

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Disclaimer:  I happen to be a woman that has relationships with men. So when I write I write from that view point. I know that some fellow bloggers will be tempted to point out to me that women can be users too.  For the record: I understand and agree!

***

Are we ever smart enough not to be fooled by a man?  Are we ever aware enough not to confuse lust with love?

My verdict? No, never! No one is immune to a charming man.  No one is ever immune to the right words at the right time. No one is immune to physical chemistry, to that combination of want and need.

I know this woman, not really a friend, friend of a friend type of thing.  This woman is light years ahead of us mere mortals, as someone once described her.  She is a master at yoga, has read all the great books by great authors, has taken countless workshops, retreats, etc.  She has dedicated her life to the pursuit of knowing herself, body and mind.

I would think she would be able to spot a poser, a fake, from miles away, wouldn’t you? Not only she didn’t, she fell for it, hook, line and sinker!!

She called him: “The best choice I ever made”.  She wrote him notes proclaiming her love for him and “all his body parts”, thanking him for “amazing days together”.   And she started making plans for the future.

Fast forward a couple of months and guess what? She realized she had been deceived!  He is no longer her best choice, probably one of her worst.  As for loving all his body parts, she probably now has different ideas of what to do with them.

Moral of the story? No one is immune! If this woman fell for it, what are my chances?  If somebody so smart didn’t see the writing on the wall how can I, simple me, barely crawling on the road to self discovery have any chance?

I am not putting down this woman and all her knowledge, in fact I strive to have similar knowledge.

Perhaps because of the knowledge she has of herself and others she was able to figure him out within months, not years.  Some of us would be still there trying to make this relationship work.  For some of us it would have taken years of delusion, deception, pain and suffering.

I am really trying to be open to, not only to new romantic relationships, but to new friendships and new adventures, to the joy of having new people come into my life; but I am also trying to protect myself from needless pain. So I have to have my guard up, and at the same time not let the fear of getting hurt cripple me. It is a balance oftentimes hard to achieve.

I hope I will be able to pay more attention to the actions and not only to the words.   I hope I will not be blinded by appearances, and instead see the core.  As far as lust and love I am still trying to figure those out.  How do I distinguish between those two? Those are two equally great feeling in their own right.

This is what I have been doing in an effort to minimize my exposure to some of the men out there that don’t have the best intentions:

1)      I pray!  No shame in asking for help from above (or within).  I believe in the power of prayer.  So I pray to God to put good people in my path. I pray that when I encounter people not so great (we need them to learn and grow) that I can learn the lesson quickly and move on.

2)      I try to be the best person I can be!  I believe what I send out in the Universe comes back to me twofold, so if I am good, honest, generous, fun, etc, people that are similar and hold similar values will gravitate towards me.  I am becoming the person that I would like to hang out with.

3)      I am treating myself kindly!  I am being extra nice to myself. I am buying myself flowers, treating myself to nice dinners.  I am allowing myself to take naps.  When I make a mistake I don’t get mad with myself, I forgive myself quickly and move on.   I am paying attention to myself.  I am romancing myself.  That way I am not so needy and starved for attention that I will fall for anyone just because they are showing me attention and being caring.

4)      I am enjoying being single!  I am having fun.  Looking for a partner is no longer a priority. When and if he comes I will welcome him with open arms and we will have fun together, but in the meantime I am enjoying myself.  Being single and free has its perks.  No one to explain or justify anything.  I work each day on finding new joys in single-hood.

Are you able to pick the good ones from the bad ones? Are you able to distinguish between love and lust?