Interview at the Medical Center for a volunteer job

12 Monday Mar 2012

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Volunteer job! Is that an oxymoron?

Anyway, I am so excited that I am going to be interviewing tomorrow with the volunteer coordinator! The only bad part is have to leave my job earlier to go, because they only interview until 3pm.  I have to leave a job that I get paid for to go interview for an unpaid job! Sounds weird, doesn’t it? I don’t feel guilt because I normally work after hours at home, so I don’t feel I am cheating my paying job.

I hope that they offer me something that I can really make a difference. I am not being picky, I will take whatever they have and I will do it with pleasure, just curious to see what they will be thinking for me!

Sitting here with a cold butt, icing my lower back.  Still disappointed that I overdid and now will probably not be able to do anything for awhile.

I just hope to be better in time for my trip on Tuesday, March 20th.  I am going to see my family in the other side of the equator.  I will be celebrating my birthday with my identical twin sister.  We will be 46!! Don’t even get me started on how I don’t want to get old and I don’t feel and don’t look my age.

Will come back tomorrow to report on my back, and most important on how my interview went!!! Fingers crossed!!!

Home cooked meal

12 Monday Mar 2012

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There is nothing better than a home cooked meal!

Thank you God for the food I just had: Brown rice, asparagus, zucchini and salmon!!! Delish!!

 

There are no victims here!!!!!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in EX Files

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I find myself alone… and I have to sit still with that thought.  I have to say it aloud and wait until that thought leaves the room!

It is a numbing feeling, but I feel better just acknowledging that fact!

Now that I recognize it and own it, I have nothing to do, but move on.

Yes, I have my “victim” moments.  My moments of looking around and comparing myself to others, others that seem to lead such great, busy fulfilled and fun-filled lives. Moments of looking back and comparing to where I was not too long ago.

Today I had such a moment.  I went to the neighboring town tennis courts to hit on  the wall, and I get there and somebody is there using the wall.  So I sit and wait and watch people playing on the courts.

I used to live in a house with a private tennis court and swimming pool, with a man that enjoying instructing and playing with me, and now I sit here with no one to play with and wondering if I will be booted out for playing on the wall when I don’t even live in  this town.

At moments like this where I start missing what I had and tears start to well up in my eyes I have to make a choice: Do I run home and get under the covers and cry my eyes out hiding from the world, or I just face my new circumstance head on and move on.  And I choose the latter. And already feel stronger for making that choice!

I do choose to look at the fact that I am better off for having known ex. I have learned a lot with him. I choose to thank God for having allowed me to benefit from a beautiful house with pool and tennis court. I thank God for allowing me to be part of ex and Chiefy’s lives for almost 3 years. I am going to rejoice on the memories I had and all I did and learn with and from him. I choose not to cry (well at least try not to) over what I no longer have.

Sitting on that park bench today, deciding to go home or sit and wait for the wall to be available, I said to myself: Moments like this, when you feel lonely and alone; when you feel sorry for yourself for not having anyone to play tennis with, when you vividly remember the clay court you once had at any time you wanted, those are the moments that shape you and make you stronger.  These are the important choices in life. Take control of your life and live and enjoy the small moments.

The person using the wall left. I felt such happiness facing that wall.  Thank you God for giving me this incredible soul and mind.  For allowing me to rejoice on simple moments such as this.

I will try to chase away the feelings that nag at me, such as not having taken advantage of all I had, and now I want so much!!

So I attacked that wall as if my life tempted on, and I had a great time.

As I sit here with ice on my back I have learned another lesson: the need to warm up and not over do it!!!

Too old for Pacha

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Finding Me

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I just came back from the Pacha club in Manhattan. My head is pounding, just popped 3 Advil and will try to get some sleep.

House/electronic music is not for me – now it is confirmed!!  It seemed like it was the same song over and over again.  Too many people, too loud!

No more Pacha for me!!

and with daylight savings time I also lost 1 hour.  

Going to sleep, writing more tomorrow.

Next step: Interview

10 Saturday Mar 2012

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So the hospital called me to schedule an interview to discuss volunteering opportunities.

The only problem is I have to leave work early to go to the interview.  The volunteer coordinator, the person that will interview me is only there Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 10am to 3pm.

There is something that doesn’t feel right about that, but I decided to ignore little road blocks.  If that is what I need to do to volunteer so be it!

***

I went back to the Library to inquire why I hadn’t received a call back regarding my volunteering there.  Turns out the person responsible has been too busy to call me and that is why she needs me. hun? well, call me and you won;t be so busy anymore!

Date with ex!!!

09 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in EX Files

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I can’t lie I am very excited about seeing ex tonight. We will probably go out for a bite, come back to my apartment, I will make my delicious popcorn and we will watch a movie.  Of course there will be sex at one or various points during the evening.

I am giving myself permission to enjoy ex and his presence.  I know everyone, and I mean everyone disagrees with me and thinks I am setting myself up for heartache.  Well, my heart I already broken.  When I was moving out of ex’s house I though I was going to die, that is how painful it was.  There will be no other pain like that. I was a basket case, calling my sister, that lives in another country upwards of 10 times a day.

So now, I see as enjoying the calm after the storm. I braved through the storm, why not enjoy the calm?

to be continued …

Fear, Fear, Fear

09 Friday Mar 2012

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I realize now how much fear has hindered me and held me back! Me! Me! Strong me! I am this person that everyone thinks is so strong and for the most part I am.  And today I looked back and realized I am not as fearless as I thought!

Today I vow to stare fear in the face and laugh! Actually to welcome it as steps to get me to a higher ground!!

There were times in the past that I had the chance to step up and speak up and start a new project and I didn’t for fear.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection.   I will no longer do that.  I will begin searching for projects that will put myself out there.  I will either swim or sink, but I will enjoy and grow strong doing it!!!

Here is to the success that eventually will come!!

I love all these realizations!!!!

3 YEARS TODAY???

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

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Today it would have been 3 years together. The ex corrected me on a text the other day saying that is not” would be” but “are”.  Are? Are we still together? I guess we have different ideas of what it means to be together.

When you hint (well, more than hint) that I should move out and I do, we are not together!

When we see each other once a week when you have time, we are not together!

When you warn me that you are not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, no flowers, no card, no dinner, we are not together!

When I am not first, second, third, fourth or fifth in your priority list, we are not together!

What I am is convenient! I am here for when you need/want!  The sad part is that I am better than that!  But right now I feel I don’t have the strength to change anything.

I decided to just love and make no judgement about anything.  I have to be honest that deciding to just love has been freeing.  It has made me lighter.

On this 3 year anniversary would be, I thank God for the time ex and I spent together. I thank ex for all he taught me and all he introduced me to. Thank you ex for the trips you have taken me to.  thank you for introducing me to tennis and skiing.  Thank you for treating me like a Princess (well until you didn’t anymore).

I have no regrets of our time together.  I have no regrets of ever loving you and for loving you still! I will love you forever.  I am trying to move on as best as I can. I am trying to hold it all together. I thank God for the good memories that I will cherish forever.

May we be able to remain friends, supporters and fans of each other.  May my heart not turn to stone, but become so huge and soft that will encompass all!

From my heart and soul I wish you ex all the best, may God guide you and open all the doors that have remained stubbornly closed.  I wish you find what you are looking for. I wish you happiness, contentment, harmony and peace!!  With love for all that to be with me, but perhaps the Universe has other ideas, so please be happy and send the world happiness!!!

****

What I really wanted today was to receive flowers from him at my desk. What I received was a text saying “Happy 3 yr anniversary, wish we could be together more”.  Not that I want to be picky, but where is the “I love you”??

Come on, Miss Blessed, you said you decided to love, so just love and be grateful you got that and move on!!! Just breath!!!!!!

****

I knew that today would be a major difficult day.  The anniversary coupled with PMS, and is also Chiefy’s birthday.  Chiefy is the ex’s dog.  I came to love and care about that dog like I never cared about any creature before. Today, and actually, any time I think of him (which happens on a daily basis) I say a prayer to Saint Francis – the patron saint of the animals.

Today Chiefy, on your 8th birthday may God protect and guide you. May Saint Francis be always watching you! May you have long health, shiny coat, water, food and warm bed.

I love you Chiefy!!

First Step in Volunteering and going back to dance

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Volunteering

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Today I completed and mailed out the application to volunteer at the local hospital.  It feels great to be progressing on my desire to volunteer. The Volunteer Coordinator said this process may take from 2 to 6 weeks.

Once they have my application, they will review it and call me in for an interview to see if and where I fit.  She made it seem that volunteers are always wanted, so I am hopeful that soon I will be working there.

I thought that once I decided to volunteer it would be an easier process and I would be welcome with open arms, but that is not the case. The Friends of the Library coordinator hasn’t returned my call. And the United States Tennis Association website says that they are not accepting volunteers at this time.

I am trying to think of different organizations I could volunteer at. So I am hoping that if the hospital doesn’t work out I will have something else lined up.

The idea of volunteering started with my need to keep myself as busy as I can, so that I have no time to think about ex. At the same time I always believed in doing good and helping people as much as one can, I now wonder why it took me so long to get the wheels in motion.

***

By chance I have moved right across my dance studio,so tonight I went to visit the girls from my old class. I am tempted to go back to the dance class, and to the recital every June. I love dance, I am right across the street and it will keep me busy and active.  At the same time I really don’t have the talent, and I haven’t danced in 2 years. Need to think about it…

***

I miss the ex and the ex’s dog so much!!!

Sunday, Sunday

05 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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I think I have ADHD. I have so many plans and ideas, and want to start them now.

It will be 1 month on March 7 that I have moved out of ex’s house and into a tiny apartment.  I am still adjusting.  I think it will take awhile to really be comfortable with being alone.

Anyway, I need to find things to occupy my time, so I don’t think.  I need to busy myself. So I am looking into classes, volunteering, anything I can think of that will keep my mind occupied.

On March 7 it would have been also our 3 year anniversary!!! I can’t believe that I still have tears left. All I want is one day without crying and feeling sad. I know this is for the best, but it is hard to let go of the dream, the fairy tale. I have to remember that the Universe, God has a plan for me.

This post is all over the place, I guess I should have an idea before I start typing.

Today I got my hair cut and blow dried straight.  I haven’t used my hair straight in a long time.

I just did my nails and toes this evening.  Feels good to take care of myself again.

****

I forgot to mention something on the post yesterday.

My seat mate on the bus while talking to me, opened her purse and took 2 cell phone out and said these are my Obama phones.  I said: what? she repeated: Obama phone.  She explained to me that people on disability and welfare get free cell phones with 250 free minutes on it.  I have never heard of that before! Have you?

I am not sure how I feel about that!

****

Another messy post. But I want to make sure that I post everything day. I will learn as I go along.