Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Your Love is King, my heart is your castle!

14 Sunday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

I am dealing with the opposite of writer’s block.  I have had so much I wanted to share and so many ideas, and yet I can’t manage to finish a post.  It is 2am now and I promised myself that I will not go to sleep until I hit the Publish button. So forgive the typos.

I have started doing to my posts what I do with books.  I start multiple ones, but never finish them.  I need to change this bad habit that is starting to permeate all areas of my life.

Because it is Valentine’s Day I want to leave you with a song that I love. I love everything about Sade and her music.  This song also reminds me of when I first arrived in the US, in 1984.  It had been released at that time.

It was a time of newness, discovery, uncertainty, sadness, excitement, and so much belief and faith.

“What have we to fear, we who believe?” ― Victor Hugo

What I don’t remember having at that time was fear.  I was too young at that point to have any fear.  What a blessing it is to know no fear.  I was 17 years, and even without speaking the language, having any money or job, I did feel I would be okay in this foreign land.  I didn’t know the details of when, what or how, but I knew I would be okay. 

It was not a feeling of complete invincibility. Perhaps it was just ignorance of fear. I was ready and eager to embrace the future. I envy the focus and hunger of that young girl.  I want to be her again.  I want to be that fearless and determined again.

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” ― Roy T. Bennett

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you courage.  The courage to open your heart and allow others in.  Be willing to be vulnerable.  Anywhere you go leave a trail of love and kindness!  Let the ones you care know that you do. 

Above all, be amazing to yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness! Do what brings you joy! You are unique, special and deserving of love!

I love you for coming here, reading, liking, commenting, and reaching out to me in other ways.   It brings me joy, warms my soul and it makes my heart sing. It means the world, it makes a difference!  I am grateful!

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, never need to part
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
Tearing the very heart of me, I’m crying out for more
Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, you’re the ruler of my heart
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
I’m crying out for more, your love is king
I’m coming on, I’m coming
You’re making me dance, inside
Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, never need to part
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
Tearing the very heart of me, I’m crying out for more
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
I’m crying out for more, your love is king
This is no blind faith, this is no sad or sorry dream
This is no blind faith, your love, your love is real
Gotta crown me with your heart (your love is king)
Never, never need to part (your love is king)
Touch me (your love is king)
I’m coming (your love is king)
(Your love is king) making me dance

Your Love is King – Sade

Online dating blah blah blah

06 Saturday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

I signed up for OKCupid.  I haven’t had much time to actually be online, but still I have managed to connect with several people. 

Guy 1. 49 yrs old. Funny and smart.  After speaking a couple of days online I gave him my number.  After the initial pleasantries his first message was an offer to send me a picture of his d.  I declined and said that we clearly want different things.  He said he understood and we continued to text.  But every now and then, he offers to send me a picture. 

Why do I have this perpetual need of being nice? Why do I keep giving people second chances?  I guess I need to listen to Maya Angelou when she says: “When someone shows you who they are,  believe them the first time.” 

Guy 2. 45 yrs old. Smart conversation. I gave him my number.  We texted.  He seemed very interested.  Asked me out.  I said yes.  Then he just seemed to fade.  I am still waiting to hear about tonight’s date.  At this point, 11am, even if he reaches out I am no longer interested.  I guess some people just want to get the date but not go through with that.

Perhaps some people are only after that initial excitement, the thrill of connecting with someone new.  

Guy 3. 58 yrs old. He is all about volleyball.  It is funny because that is all he talks about.  He started playing recently.  I haven’t played since I was 16. He wants me to join his league. I am not sure about that, but I am going on a date with him next week. Well, I am still deciding if I should go or not.

Should I still go on a date with someone that I am not terribly excited about?  Would that be wasting their time?

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have encountered a bunch of catfishes already.  I even managed to give my number to one, before I realized it.  I am embarrassed about that.  I should know better.  I have to pay more attention.  Lesson learned.

Then there are the guys that are all about sex.  I know they want sex.  I want sex. We all do, but why lead with that? Read the room, I mean profile, people!  I want sex but as part of a committed relationship, and I state that in my profile.

Worst of all, at first they want to change my mind.  When that doesn’t work, they try to gaslight me by saying that I am overthinking things, that sex is not all they are about.  Those guys are exhausting!

Then there are the offer of being friends with benefits. It doesn’t appeal to me.  This is no judgement on anyone that enjoys that.  I become attached to people, and I would suffer later.  I know me.

I do reserve the right to change my mind on that.  On anything.  I am evolving as the earth is moving.

“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
― Walt Whitman

I am always open to making platonic friends, but rarely guys on dating site accept that.  Some say they have too many friends. Some agree to being friends, but then just fade away.  I get it.

Speaking of friends.  There are 2 friends that I met on Plenty of Fish. Among all the catfish and other fake profiles I found 2 friends. 

Guy 1.  I have written about him here often.  I call him A-the doctor.  We went on a few dates.  Then he disappeared.  When he came back we became friends.  We go out often to brunch and dinner.  We talk a lot about health, spiritual things, soul, Rumi, etc. Lately, most of our conversations are about Cryptocurrencies. He believes they are the future and that I should invest heavily on them.  

Guy 2. This person, I all call him P-the Investor. I have known him for a couple of years, but I don’t think I ever mentioned him here.  We never met in person.  I will write more about him in a next post.  For now he is a friend that has become dear to me.  Lately our conversations are all about stocks.   He wants me to stay away from cryptocurrencies and focus on stocks. 

At the moment I find myself more interested in reading about stocks then dating profiles 🙂

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over,
nothing is all you will have gained.” ― Neil Gaiman

 

 

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

Don’t blame. It is counter-productive.

13 Wednesday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“As your consciousness, refinement and pureness of heart expands you will become less judgmental, less corrective, less reactive, less black-and-white, less critical, less apt to blame and less tormented by others and their faults and views.” ― Bryant McGill

I love when I notice an improvement in my actions.

There was a big problem with a trade at work today. Somehow, along the way of setting up a new customer, one final step was overlooked. This was not noticed until the trade was closed. After trying to somehow circumvent this problem, we had to give up. The trade had to be broken and handed to a competitor.

The brokers involved were very unhappy. Our firm looked bad, and we lost money. In their conversations with me via instant messaging I noticed that they were hinting at looking for someone to blame (me).

“Blame and praise have no true effects.” ― Marcus Aurelius

I didn’t become defensive. That was a big a-hah! moment to me.

My first instinct was to fix the problem. I proposed alternatives, made phone calls, but in the end nothing could be done, and because time was of the essence it was wiser to let it go.

Often when a mistake happens the first instinct is to try to assign blame. Second, is to become defensive when being blamed.

I don’t want to assign blame and I don’t want to become defensive. 

For the record, I wouldn’t call what happened a mistake. I would call it an oversight. Second, it was not me, or even the broker.  Ultimately the customer is responsible for this last step, but it is up to the broker to remind him.

I always tell my brokers to remind the customer. This time I don’t remember if I did or didn’t. I could look for the record of the conversations, but to me that would be a defensive action, and at this point useless and negative. I didn’t want to waste time with that.

“Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. It is the lie that robs us of our serenity, our generosity, our confidence, an our delight in life . . . For it is the act of blaming that can’t co-exist with self-responsibility — or with freedom from inner agitation and strained relationships. Abandon the practice of blaming, and we see the fear melt away that we have associated with being honest about ourselves and taking the full measure of responsibility for our emotional and spiritual condition.” ― C. Terry Warner

This one broker in question was already feeling bad. Why would I want to add to that? Why should I compound his pain with blame? He should have crossed his Ts and dotted his Is, but he didn’t.  He knows it. He lost a lot money on that trade.

It is not going to accomplish anything to prove that I am not at fault for something that it is not my function. Even though they originally hinted at blaming the Backoffice/Compliance (me), they knew better and never actually said anything.

In the past, I would have made a point of pointing out exactly who was to blame and what they should have done. I am over that need.  I no longer need to be always right. 

In the past I would want to make sure that others knew that I had done nothing wrong. I take pride in doing a great job and never wanted my image, somehow, tarnished. Now I am confident in the job I do and don’t need to have the others agree with me.  I no longer need others to know I am right. 

Lately, I choose to focus my energy on the lessons in every situation: Could this have been prevented? How? How can we do better next time? Are there any other areas that need to reviewed with the brokers?

I am drafting an email reminding the brokers of all the steps required to set up a customer and who is responsible for each step. I hope this will help everyone be in the same page.

I am feeling light and productive.  Mistakes (or oversights) happen.  How you handle them and move forward is what makes the difference.  

“A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it.
Having admitted it, he corrects it.
He considers those who point out his faults
as his most benevolent teachers.
He thinks of his enemy
as the shadow that he himself casts.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Make 2021 Amazing, choose: Possibilities, Opportunities, Faith, Hope, Forgiveness, Gratitude and Movement

31 Thursday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Youtube Videos

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Do you have favorite words?  I do!  I have so many, on this eve of the New Year I chose some of my favorites to share with you. 😊

May you love the following words as much as I do.  Wishing you a magical New Year.  2020 turned out to be such a lousy lover! Dare to take a chance and fall in love with 2021.

Here are my word/wishes:

Possibilities – There in an entire world in this one word.  It means everything and more.  In 2021 embrace the beauty of possibilities.  It is a dream not dreamed yet, an unpolished diamond, a miracle being made. In each new second, in each new person there is a world of possibilities.  Be open to see it.

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!” ― Søren Kierkegaard

Opportunities – All around us there are opportunities.   They may come disguised as problems or challenges.  Don’t be deceived by that.  The bigger the challenge, the more opportunities it contain.  Look for it, it may not always be visible.  Create it, go after.  When it knocks, don’t ignore it, embrace it!

“Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door.” – ― Emily Dickinson

Hope – Dare to dream and expect only the best.  No matter how dark the night is there are still stars out there and there is the sun rising every morning.  No matter what, hold on to hope; let it comfort and guide you.  Dare to expect miracles!   

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” ― Alfred Lord Tennyson

Faith –  Even if you are not religious, believe in something bigger than yourself.  Believe that you will be okay no matter what happens to you; no matter what life throws at you.  Make faith and prayer your best friends. If you have faith, you are never alone!

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” ― Soren Kierkegaard

Forgiveness – Forgive yourself and forgive others.  Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself. Forget vengeance, choose grace! The harder it is to forgive someone, the more rewarding will be do it.  Forgive and be free!

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Gratitude – The key to happiness is gratitude.  Gratitude can change any mind set.  Challenge yourself to look for things to be grateful for every single day.  On the bleakest day, find gratitude to anchor you.  Say Thank you more often, to more people!

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

This morning I just discovered another word that I decided to add to this list.  I am not sure who created the clip below (if you do, let me know so I can give them credit), but I love it.

Movement – Every movement causes a flow of energy.  Keep moving, mind, body and soul.  Keep going, no matter what.  All it takes is one step, one foot in front of the other.  We all should be constantly growing and evolving.  Get up and Go!

“Well, I always know what I want. And when you know what you want–you go toward it. Sometimes you go very fast, and sometimes only an inch a year. Perhaps you feel happier when you go fast. I don’t know. I’ve forgotten the difference long ago, because it really doesn’t matter, so long as you move.” ― Ayn Rand

 

 

Momentarily foggy, but not lost

23 Wednesday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.” ― Thomas Merton

I had a date on Saturday night.  He is 52 yrs old, never married, no kids and works in financial services.  He is very similar to me in a lot areas.  It was like I was meeting an old friend.  We talked and laughed non-stop.  He was the consummate gentleman. 

We will probably go on a second date, but I am not sure about chemistry.  I know we could be great as friends, but I am not sure if there are enough sparks for anything else.  We shall see…

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tired into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one destiny, affects all indirectly.” ― Martin Luther King Jr

In the meantime, I have been a little out of sorts the past few days.  I have been unable to complete any tasks.  I started at least 5 different blog posts and was unable to finish any of them.  Fingers crossed I finish this one.

I imagine I am not the only one going through this feeling of imbalance and uncertainty.  Never in a million years I expected this Covid-19 nightmare to last this long.  Now they are talking about this new virus mutation… what next?

Can someone please wake me up from this sci-fi nightmare? When will I be able to fly to Brazil and see my parents?  The fact that I cannot travel at will is really doing a number on me. 

My usual sense of urgency is on asteroids.  I keep thinking that I am wasting time and feeling unproductive.  The worst part is that instead of acting/doing, I feel frozen and without direction.

“Don’t underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself. Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your destination and articulate your Being. As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, “He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.”  ― Jordan B. Peterson

I am well aware that I have no reason to complain or to feel anything other than blessed.  So please just ignore this momentarily loss of myself, purpose and meaning.  I guess in writing this I want to say that it is okay not to feel 100% happy 100% of the time. 

The key for me is to remember that unhappy moments come and go.  Nothing lasts forever, good or bad.  I have to learn to cope with those “in-between” moments without overdosing on sugar.

Thanks heavens that I do have healthier coping mechanisms.  My number 1 go to feel better action is to do a mental Gratitude list.  By number 3 on the list I am already feeling better.  There is so much for me to be grateful for.  This is an endless list.

“You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don’t know what you believe, before that. You are too complex to understand yourself.” ― Jordan B. Peterson

The second thing I do that helps to ground and center me is to stop throughout the day and recite the H’onoponopono mantra to myself: I am sorry.  Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.  

Psychology Today describes Ho’oponopono as: The Hawaiian word ho’oponopono comes from ho’o (“to make”) and pono (“right”). The repetition of the word pono means “doubly right” or being right with both self and others. In a nutshell, ho’oponopono is a process by which we can forgive others to whom we are connected.

“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.” ― Herman Melville

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian spiritual practice and literally means to “Set things right’. My simplistic view is that I am responsible for my actions, even if unintentional.  Without realizing, I hurt others. I become disconnected, I let my ego appear and be in charge.  Past mistakes continue to permeate through my life now and cause imbalance and create negative feelings. By asking for forgiveness and expressing gratitude, to no one in particular, but to everyone, I take accountability for my actions and I connect to others. 

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” ― William James

When I say I’M SORRY, I acknowledge my errors, my part in anything wrong that happened to me and to others in the past.

When I say FORGIVE ME, I accept my role in those errors and I ask for forgiveness for my part in all. I recognize that I am responsible for everything I touch.

“Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.”
― Carl Gustav Jung

When I say THANK YOU, I show gratitude to all, to my ancestors, to myself.  I am grateful for everything, big and small. I am grateful to all.

When I say I LOVE YOU, I spread love to the world. I am in love with myself and with everything around me. I am in love with all the Universe presents me.

To you, today: I’m sorry, Forgive-me, Thank You, I love You! ♥♥♥

“Be drunk with Love, for Love is all that Exists”- Rumi

 

 

 

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Friends are the ornaments that light up my life

13 Sunday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

(written yesterday)

Today I woke up feeling so grateful – even more than usual.  Today, I am especially grateful for friends.  It is said that if a man has friends he is rich.  In that case, I am a billionaire. Not in the amount of friends, but in the quality of my friends.

I am grateful for old trusted friends, but today I feel specially blessed for the new friends that the Universe surprises me with.

Some people appear out of nowhere.  They are gifts.  All of a sudden they are standing by the door to your heart.  You welcome them and they fit right in, as if they belonged there all along.

They come bearing acceptance, promise, possibilities and so much love.

“There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met.” ― Jim Henson

Friends are lighthouses.  They represent guidance and safety just by being there.  No matter how far apart they are or how long in between conversations, they know you are there, and you know they are here.

A friend claps when you win.  A friend cries when you lose.

Above all, a friend inspires.  New friends wake you up to new potential.  They see you in a brand new light.  The see the “you” that you don’t see in yourself yet.

New friends are hidden gems, buried treasures, winning tickets, unnamed stars.

Thank you K (N), my sweet, darling Canadian friend, for coming into my life and breathing new air into it.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson – (or macarons 🙂

****

Monica at https://brilliantviewpoint.com/2020/12/16/a-christmas-surprise-at-the-mailbox, suggested I make mosaic ornaments. By chance I had done them last Saturday.

I am posting them here unfinished.  Glitter is missing in a lot areas – I couldn’t tell until they dried.  I also need to Dremel the sharp edges.  I can’t finish them at the studio because the studio is closed until further notice.  Thank you covid! 😦

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” ― C.S. Lewis

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ― Jane Austen

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
― Rumi

 

 

This is how I roll: I closed the entire restaurant for my friend’s birthday!

07 Monday Dec 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Food

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“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, not really.  Credit, or should I say, blame Covid for that.  Here is what happened:

My friend Anthony’s birthday was yesterday and on Saturday night I treated him to dinner.

We chose to go to a restaurant called Bonasera’s in Larchmont. Since the start of Covid, they have tables outside and live music on Thursdays and Saturdays.  Unfortunately, on Saturday the restaurant called me to let me know there was no music that evening.  The voice on the phone seemed relieved when I said we still planned on going there for dinner.  

“We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over.” ― Ray Bradbury

At 7pm we got there and the waiter said we could sit anywhere.   There were tables outside under a tent but we chose to sit inside.  The place was empty.  And it remained empty the whole night.

We had our own bartender, our own server, our own chef.  It was awesome, but I felt bad for the owner and somewhat guilty.

I wonder how can restaurants survive. I am not saying people should be going out to restaurants.  I think people need to do what they are comfortable with, respect others and the law.  I, for the most part, still go out when I have a chance.  Still I think about businesses, such as restaurants.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

The food and service were amazing.  To drink I had 2 cosmos and my friend had 2 Proseccos. We had arugula salad and scallops with spinach for appetizers.
For the main entrée he had a gluten free pasta with tomatoes and capers and a side of broccoli. I had cod fish with risotto and broccoli. For dessert we shared a tiramisu and a crème brulee.

Everything was divine!

After we left, we crossed the street and went to Chat19 to have a passion fruit drink.  Even though I had already drank my limit, we still wanted to have something with passionfruit in it.   The other restaurant didn’t have passion fruit. 

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” ― Henry David Thoreau

When we got there we were reminded that by law restaurants in New York now cannot serve only alcohol, they need to serve food with it.  We ordered fries with our passionfruit martinis.  The fries were so delicious we got a second order.  The martinis were a bit too sour and disappointing. 

We left at 10pm. All restaurants in NY State have to close by 10pm now.

We had a great night! We always have a great time together. We talk about everything, our dates, our goals, investments, spirituality, etc.

“There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met.” ― Jim Henson

I am grateful for Plenty of Fish for helping me meet him 5 years ago.  He is one of the reasons I am still willing to put up with online dating sites and I am willing to give guys a second chance. 

Anthony and I didn’t work out romantically but as friends we are an awesome match. We had a few dates, then he disappeared.  When he returned I chose to welcome him back and we slowly built a friendship that I treasure.  I always feel enriched by his company and friendship and I know he feels the same way.

“No friendship is an accident. ” ― O. Henry

I am on a dating site looking for love, but the potential to meet another great friend like Anthony is never far from my mind.  I am not one of those people that say they have enough friends. I don’t! 

I know a lot people, but I have only a few real close friends that actually know my heart.  Anthony is one of them.  We don’t always agree, but one thing remains true in our friendship: the care and love we feel for each other.   

“Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than the government. It is almost the equal of family.- Don Corleone” ― Mario Puzo,  The Godfather

 

Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

Another day, another cancelation…

18 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He canceled.

I cannot say I am surprised.  He had canceled twice before we finally met. Cancelation is in his blood.

I had a feeling he would.  I noticed a certain distance in the texting yesterday and he skipped the nightly phone call. 

This morning at 7am I texted him. I was not going to reach out but I decided not to be waiting the whole day wondering if a date would or would not happen.

Here is the exchange:

I am not assuming anything about him at this point.  I am not dismissing him or thinking it is all over.  What I know is that if this is the way it is going to be then it will not work for me. 

I remain open-minded with an open heart.  I met him in person and he seems like a good person. Just perhaps not good for me.  We will see what happens.  Your guess is as good as mine.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”
― Pablo Neruda

By the way, he also mentioned the other day that his trip overseas was canceled due to some of the people that were going with him having Visa issues.

So many questions about so many things. His health issues and injuries. His work overseas.  His time in the war.  I was hoping to continue my interrogation tonight 🙂

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

Thanks heaven for good friends.  My friend A. texted me to wish good luck on the date tonight.  I actually met A. on a dating site in 2015.  We went on a couple of dates and then just became best friends. Our friendship keeps blossoming, and I am grateful for that.

I am not feeling down but so appreciate his attempt to lift my spirits.

Here is his reaction:

“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters