Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Giving it another shot

07 Monday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Update on the date, well, dates, with the man that I had a few dates with 5 years ago. 

1st date. Feb 25. We met at Modern Restaurant.  I had a lychee martini, he had chardonnay.  We shared meatballs and zucchini frites.  Everything was delicious.

When I walked in he was sitting at the bar.  I approached him and hugged him hello. I don’t think he was expecting a hug. I had wondered what would be like seeing him after 5 years.  Nothing had changed.  There was still chemistry.

We quickly got started in updating each other.  When we last saw each other, my sister was just moving to the US.  Now it will be 5 years that she is here.  His daughter was starting High School, now she is in college.

He is not struggling with thoughts of the dead wife anymore. At this point he is done with the grieving process and has been actively dating.  I always thought the reason he ghosted me was that he couldn’t forget the wife.

He is the oldest man I ever dated.  He is 65 years old.  I normally get along better with younger men, but, for some reason, there is something about him.

At the end, he drove me home, a whole block away 😊.  At my door, I just said bye and left the car, there was no kissing or anything and it was perfect like that.

“I had to heal… I had to stop trying to nourish my present life with expired moments. I had to move on… So that I could experience new love without being afraid of old pain.” ― Steve Maraboli

On Sunday, Feb 27, he texted me, but I had to keep the texting short as I was getting ready to go to dinner.

On Tuesday, Feb 29, he texted again and asked if I wanted to go to dinner.  I said yes and we decided to meet the next day. He then wrote: “I will pick you up.” 

I said: “oh you will pick me up?”

He said: “yes, you mentioned you don’t like driving”

Stuff like that means the world to me.  It shows that he was paying attention to what I was saying, and to my likes and dislikes. 

People pay attention: Show you care by your actions and not by words.

We went to Rio Bravo, a Mexican Restaurant in Larchmont. I had chimichangas and he had the enchilada. I had a mojito and he had wine.

The conversation flowed and he mentioned that he didn’t think he ghosted me, he thought I was not interested.  In our last date 5 years ago, he said I was mad when I met him for dinner.  He had texted me something more risqué, and I thought it was too much too soon.  Then during dinner my sister called to mention the fire alarm going off, and I said I had to leave.  He thought there was no alarm and it was something that was pre-arranged to cut the date short.

I was shocked as I remembered none of it.  While I definitely didn’t plan on my sister calling to bail me, I am recalling bits and pieces of that evening.  I remember being moody about something. 

He also mentioned that at that point in time, he definitely was not in a mental space to date.  Perhaps we are both in a better space now.  Perhaps we are both older and wiser.

When he dropped me at my door we kissed good bye.  It was short, sweet and perfect.

“New love is grand. Savor all the crazy, muddled might of it.”
― Eli Easton, The Mating of Michael

The third date was on Friday, March 4th.  He offered to pick me up but I said I would drive.  I don’t like driving but it made more sense.  He lives near the place we were going to. 

I rather let him pick me up when the place is hard to get to, and parking is not easily available.

We went to Chat American Grill in Scarsdale, NY.  I had a couple of passion fruit cosmopolitans and he had chardonnay.  That is his drink of choice.  We shared some appetizers of spring rolls, salad and artichoke.   

When we left we walked to his car and he drove me back to mine.  There was some kissing involved.  And it was good. 😊

It is a bit scary to find someone I really like after so long, specially someone that I had a some history with.  I am trying hard not to start sabotaging this, and to give it a real chance. 

I am doing all I can to stay in the moment, and enjoy all as is. It may last or it may not, and that is not the point.  The point is not to waste the moment trying to control the outcome.

“I know you think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s because I am. About life, about this moment, about you.” ― Crystal Woods, Write like no one is reading

Skiing Day at Hunter Mountain

14 Monday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.” ― Mario Andretti

I hope everyone had a great Valentines Day! Around here it was uneventful. No flowers or Godiva chocolates ☹ Not complaining, just stating a fact.  

On Sunday I had the skiing date. Well, it was not really a date, I should just say: I went skiing with a friend.  There was not a word or gesture of romance, and I am happy about that.  We are definitely perfect as friends.

I left home very early Sunday morning and stopped by his lake house, that it is half way to mountain.  He had been staying there since Friday. He showed me around and from there we drove to the mountain.

It was a beautiful drive.  We talked and joked as if we have known each other forever. There was no lack of topics to talk about.  He has lived in many other countries and has many stories to tell, but he was also very interested in listening about me and my stories.

Hunter Mountain is a beautiful area located in the northern Catskills Mountains.  As far as skiing is concerned is neither the best best nor the worst I have been to.  It was very cold, and towards the end of the day there were some ice patches on the trails.

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

He was such a gentleman in every way.  He was concerned about the fit of my boots, asking the rental guys to have me try different ones, even though I had brought my own.  He wanted to drop me off near the entrance and then go park, but as faith would have it there was a perfect spot right there where he was going to drop me off. He carried my skis for me. At all times he was concerned about my comfort level.  It didn’t feel too much.  I felt taken care of.

Speaking of comfort level, why do I love skiing?  Everything about the sport is painful.  The tight boots on the slopes, walking liking Frankenstein’s monster across the parking lot.  Carrying the heavy skis. Wearing the many layers of clothing. The expensive lift ticket, well, everything is expensive on the mountain.  The long lines to get on the chair, long lines everywhere really. And let’s not forget the cold.

“Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature’s peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn.” ― John Muir, The Mountains of California

Still,  I adore it!  Being on the mountain feels very freeing, and yet so challenging to me.  I forget about everything.  My only thought is to get down the mountain, and then go up again.  I fear the speed, and yet I love it when, by chance, I speed up a little.  Those few moments between gaining speed, and then feeling like I am totally out of control are priceless. 

Getting back to the day.  He has been skiing forever and is a great skier, so he was able to teach me a lot.  He corrected my form, we did some drills, he gave me tips.  He was so much better than most of the skiing instructors I have had in the past.  In the end I noticed some progress.  He said he did too. 

He said I can go skiing with him any time I want.  He is at that mountain every week. I am not sure I would make the same trip again.  It was too much for one day only.  Total driving time of almost 5 hours.  Perhaps I will go back for a couple of days.  For day trips I am searching for places closer to home.

I made a friend and I skied.  Life is great!

“Do not compete with others! Pick a high speed for yourself that suits high ideals and try to catch and surpass that speed!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

A non-date date

11 Friday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If you don’t do it this year, you’ll be one year older when you do.” ― Warren Miller

I had a quick date on Wednesday night.  I met this guy months ago on OKCupid.  I am not longer on that site.  He left the site first and gave me his number so we could keep in touch.

I eventually texted him and we started exchanging messages.  Even though we live only 30 minutes apart, it was hard to make plans to meet until now. 

We chose to meet in Bronxville, NY.  It is has a charming downtown.  We were going to meet at Starbucks, but when I got there he was standing outside.  They had just closed.  It was good thing. We walked around and found a better place.

“I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.” ― Tim Daly

The place we found is called Slave to the Grind. It reminded me of coffee shops in skiing resort towns, which was apropos since this was more of a skiing date, then a romantic date.

Let me explain: One of the reasons that we connected was our love of skiing.  Mine is more of a platonic love, since I seldom ski, and I am not really good at it.  His, is a full blown love affair. He has been skiing since he was 10, and still races from time to time.  

I just found out yesterday that he has a home in Whistler, BC, which is my absolute favorite place on earth! Icing on the cake!

He is over 60 years old, but I don’t remember his exact age, and didn’t want to ask again.  He looks younger in person.  Taller than me, bald, smart, cultured and personable. He is involved in international business.  Mostly retired now, he does some consulting on the side. 

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.” ― Steven Wright

We started talking as if we have known each other for years, and not just months of texting.  It was not a long date.  We mostly talked about our backgrounds and of course, skiing.

He invited me to go skiing on Sunday and I said yes.  I think he can teach me a lot.  I am hoping to get a few pointers and perhaps gain more confidence.

Even though he is a great person it seems that we are both more into being skiing friends than anything else.  It felt more like meeting a skiing buddy than a potential boyfriend.  I think that, at this point, I am more excited about finding a skiing partner than a love match. 

Before I forget, I had the mocha with oat milk and a scone.  The mocha was delicious and the scone was bad.  Is tasted old, I don’t think they make their own baked goods. I would go back for the coffee. He had a cappuccino, which I believe he enjoyed. 🙂

Skiing report coming on Monday!  Wish me luck!

“The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.” ― Dave Barry

Tenant, you go bye bye, so I can fly, fly

05 Saturday Feb 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“We tend to overpack. If it does not add value to your life journey, don’t bring it along for the ride.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

The business of being a landlord is great, but not for me.

I had great tenants in the past, that paid on time and never had any complaints. And some not so great. At the moment I have one of those.  He pays late and complains about every little thing, at all hours of day and night.

I am at fault for not setting him straight from the beginning.  I catered to every little thing he wanted, and didn’t make a big deal of the late rent.  All of a sudden, years have gone by and I am feeling like a hostage.

“Don’t plan for the future until you have removed and unpacked the baggage on your back.” ― Charles F Glassman

In 2019 I sold the other rental I had.  I thought I would regret selling it, because I loved the place, but instead I felt lighter.  I no longer dread the calls from the tenant or from the super of that building.

I didn’t want to sell both condos in the same year.  Also, since this is a one bedroom apartment, and by this time my tenant is married with 2 little kids; I thought that he would be moving out sooner, rather then later.  He never did.

In 2020, when I was about to ask him to move out,  there came Covid.  In 2021 it was the same story.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Finally, this January, I gave him notice to move out by April 15th.  He is now complaining that 3 months is not enough time for them to move out.  No matter what, the apartment will go on the market on April 16.

I cannot wait for it to be on the market and and to be sold. It will feel like I have shed another heavy layer.

In a prior post I mentioned, in response to a date’s question, that I wanted a series of homes in different places.  The truth is, I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, the idea is great; if they all came absolutely maintenance free.  That would be a perfect world, where material possessions didn’t require any looking after.

“No baggage – there was the secret of existence.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson, The Wrecker

In this not-so-perfect world, the more one has, the more it takes to maintain.  It takes more money, more time, more energy, more dealing with painful people, etc.  I don’t want any more of that, than I already have to deal with.

I aim to have less.  Less to worry about.  It helps that I am disliking shopping more and more.  I have to buy a bedroom set and and I keep avoiding dealing with it. I wish I could go without a car also, but it is a necessary evil.

I want to get rid of stuff.  I want to feel lighter and unencumbered.   I want less baggage, less energy spent taking care of maintaining stuff.  I don’t want to be tied to places and things. I don’t want to spend energy on things.

I want to be so light that I can feel like I can fly.

Wishing you a light weekend full of light and blessings!

“Only, in the end, you will realize. Among all the baggage you carried all your life, you didn’t own most of them. And the remaining weren’t as important as you always thought or expected it to be.” – Akshay Vasu, The Musings of Light and Darkness: Collection of words for the wandering souls

 

Old-fashioned much?

26 Wednesday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

I finally met J. for a 4th date.   I was hoping that I would feel differently seeing him again, but I feel the same way.  Not too much excitement.  He is a great guy but the little chemistry that seemed to be there is gone.  

The absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder.  It made it grow indifferent.

I was honest with him, that I was feeling overwhelmed and pressured by all his attention, texting and calling.  It felt too much, too soon.  I felt he was in love with the idea of me and a relationship.

He mentioned that when I had Covid he wanted to send me flowers but didn’t have my apartment number.  I said I was glad that he didn’t, it would have been nice, but way too much too soon. He said that even if we were just friends he would still send me flowers if I was sick.  I doubt that.

On the first date he had mentioned that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was overdoing with the texting and sending pictures daily.  I pointed out now that he was doing the same thing to me.  He said he understood.  He said he was okay with just being friends.

“I can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” ― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

His birthday was on the beginning of January, so before we ordered our drinks and meals I mentioned that I was going to treat him for his birthday.  He didn’t want to accept, but finally agreed.

We always talk a lot, with some agreeing and disagreeing about different topics.  At one point he asked me what I wanted for my future, how I saw my future.

I answered that I wasn’t sure and didn’t really have my future/retirement planned out.  Then, I added that it would be perfect to have an apartment in Manhattan, one in Paris, a chalet on a skiing mountain and, for good measure, a beach house. 

He said: “Good luck with finding a man to give you that!”

I was taken aback, and honestly shocked and disappointed with his comment. It stopped me on my tracks.  I said to him:

“What? Why can I achieve that and more on my own?  You didn’t ask me what I was looking for in a man, or for a man to give me.  

He said that he was sorry, that he was joking.  But the damage was done.  Is that really what he thinks of me, and women? 

This clearly illustrates that he has no idea of who I am.  No one that knows me, would ever say that, even joking. We other points where we disagreed, and again he said he was joking.

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
― Henry Winkler

As I mentioned here, I don’t ever want to pay on the first date (I have at times when I knew I was never going to see the guy again and felt sorry he had overspent).  As a rule, I don’t care if it is a cup of coffee, I want to be treated on the first date.  On other dates, I don’t have a problem splitting the bill, or taking turns paying, like I do with my friends. 

With J., it has been no different.  After the first date, I offered to split the bill or treat him.  He always said no, and added that he would never have me pay.  Still, I have tried.  

If I wanted a guy to give me material things, I would have stayed with some of the rich guys I have met in the past, chemistry or not.  But that is not what I look for.  

What I want most is summed up by Steve Maraboli:

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that

drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”

Financially speaking, I don’t care what a man does for a living as long as it is honest, and hopefully it is something he is not miserable doing.   

He doesn’t need to be rich, all he needs is to be able to support himself.  I have no interest in doing that.

I don’t need or want a man to support me either.  I have been doing that very well since I was 17 years old, and I plan on continuing to do so.

Who knows, maybe I will have the apartment in Manhattan and in France, the house in the mountains and the house on the beach.  Achieving it all, all by myself! 😉

The next morning he sends me a picture. I guess he didn’t get it.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” ― Lady Gaga

What was he thinking?

17 Monday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old.  My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.

The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart.  One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating.  He never acknowledged or apologized.  He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.

Move out I did.  He hinted at one day getting back together.  I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.

This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.

Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me.  Here, I describe that day:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/07/07/facing-the-one-that-broke-my-heart/

Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas.  I never reply.  He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them.  One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.

This Christmas he texted.  I ignored.

Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.

It makes no sense.  The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.

That is him.  He creates his own reality.  He believes his own stories.  Of course I didn’t reply and will not.

I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does.  They ignore reality.  They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.

I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.

I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.

I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”

The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?  

“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:

When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

What is less than a break up, but still a break up?

14 Friday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.”
― Graham Greene, The Comedians

After 3 dates I had to cancel the 4th because of Covid.  He wanted to meet up last week, but I was still not 100% and decided to wait.  Then the following day he said he didn’t wake up feeling well.  He hasn’t been well ever since.  Yesterday, 7 days later, he finally took a home test and it was positive.

I don’t know when I will see him next.  The sad part is that I don’t care.  In the beginning of this potential relationship, I should be looking forward to seeing him, to talking on the phone, etc; and I am not. 

I feel overwhelmed by his attention, by the daily texting and wanting to talk on the phone.  He is kind, considerate, smart, such a great person.  But it all feels a bit too much to me. I feel drained at times.

“I felt as if each person within visual range were slowly draining the life from me. We were all connected, and the more them there were, the more I wanted to crawl under a table and cry.” ― Shaun David Hutchinson, We Are the Ants

He doesn’t know me yet. It feels like his excitement is not really about me, but the idea of me, the idea of a relationship.  If it really is about me, then he is definitely more into me, than I am into him. 

From the beginning I didn’t feel a lot chemistry, but I sensed potential.  I figured we would go on a few more dates and let things flow.  Instead, it feels I must make a decision now, otherwise I may be leading him on.

I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone or on text, but I don’t feel I can wait anymore. I have mentioned to him before, how I feel pressured if it is too much too soon, but I don’t think he really understood.

It feels like a breakup, but when is a break up a break up?  We had 3 dates. I feel he tried to speed things up, and covid put a wrench on things, but I don’t feel we were a relationship yet.  

I think this is the case that if we were right for each other I would just welcome the attention and not feel pressured.  With the right person everything feels right.  

“I’ll tell you something, Harpy,” he said, his voice almost a whisper now. “It never even occurred to me that we wouldn’t make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything.” ― Kristan Higgins, My One and Only

The only time when it is good to be negative

11 Tuesday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ― Lao Tzu

“The First wealth is health.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Saturday we all took covid home tests again and we all (my sister, my cousin and myself) tested negative.  I knew it would be negative, but it felt so good to see it.

I am back to feeling like myself.  I wouldn’t say I am 100% but I am pretty close. My energy level is back, but I am still taking it easy and not over doing it. 

I chewed ginger for a few days and I feel that it helped to get my sense of taste back.

Last night was the first day I was out.  I went to dinner with my friend and it felt so freeing and fun.

Today was my first day back in the office since Dec 28.  I just like working in the office so much better than working from home.  I get so much more done.  I worked everyday from home, but it felt like a struggle every day.

At the office, I put away the Christmas decorations.  I watered my plants.  I got tons of work done.  I went to the gym for a 30 minute walk. It is awesome to feel productive and active gain.  

Nothing is better to make us appreciate life more than being sick for awhile. When one is sick, all that is important is getting healthy.  Everything else takes a back seat. 

Feeling healthier again makes me feel like I can now conquer the world. 2022 – watch out, here I come!

“A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.” ― Pema Chodron

 

Holding grudges can be good for your health

09 Sunday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“I am never proud to participate in violence, yet I know that each of us must care enough for ourselves that we can be ready and able to come to our own defense when and wherever needed.” ― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I never believed in holding grudges.  I forgive easily and immediately forget.  I turn the other cheek always.  But is that always the best thing to do?

I am here to tell you that it is not.  Sometimes we shouldn’t forget what is done to us, if that means keeping us open to get hurt again.  Sometimes holding a grudge is a healthy form of self preservation.

Case in point:  the co-worker that I have mentioned many times in the past and specifically in this post:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/08/20/all-it-takes-is-one-overgrown-baby-to-mess-up-an-otherwise-great-day/

This one person thinks he is God’s gift to the financial world.  Because he is making money for the company he thinks that everyone should bow down to him. I have nicknamed him “the only child”.  He is an only child, and I don’t think his parents ever told him “No” or reprimanded him on anything.

I am not his biggest fan, but time and time again I go out of my way to help him, as I do for any of the other brokers.  I never think back to what he has said or done to me before.   

I always thought that not remembering what was done to me, and how it made me feel was a good thing. Until now.

I never hear a thank you, only complaints. That doesn’t bother me, I am used to it.  But on Thursday this person just took it too far.  He went crazy because I gave everyone Anti-Money Laundering training to do on Monday and expected everyone to have it done by Midnight on Friday.  This training takes only 20 minutes to do, and since they do it every year, they barely need to pay attention to it.  

He confronted me on the chat that we use to communicate internally. Thanks heaven we are no longer in the same office.  He said he wanted an explanation in writing from the regulators on why he had only 5 days to do it.  He went on and on, on how he was busy, and didn’t have time to do things when I felt like he needed to.  He accused me of very poor management, and doing things out of caprice and not because it was required. 

I think what infuriated him the most was the fact that I didn’t really engage him on his level, something that I have done in the past.  I just said I was sorry and that I would not be sending any explanation. I also added that all he was saying was uncalled for and it offended me.

He hurled some more insults and then he blocked me!  That was his way of having the last word.  I am not sure what he was thinking by blocking me.  He just made my life much better, by not having to deal with him in the chat.  He is the one that needs me, and not the other way around.

But I cannot lie and not mention that his attitude offended me and it robbed me of my peace.  What came to mind were the numerous times I go out of my way to help him and his personal clients.  Above and beyond what would normally be part of my job.  How dare him talk to me with such tone?

He made me furious, and sad.  I am so glad I didn’t react. I am choosing non-reaction.  I am choosing to let time and space work. But, I decided I must not forget.  I must not allow this person to think he can talk to me in a such way time and time again, and be okay.  I am not his servant and employee.

“Maybe we forget so that we can go on.” ― John Green, The Anthropocene Reviewed

It is so easy for miserable people to drag us down and rob us of our peace and well being.  He did that to me.  I was left so confused on why a 45 year old man chooses to behave like a spoiled child.  His whole tone and accusations were so out of line, that I chose not to say anything to the boss/majority partner at this moment.  I saved the conversation and I will show it to him when I am less upset about it. I am also choosing not to print it here.  I don’t want to read it again and get upset all over again.  I showed it to my sister and she was so mad.  She couldn’t believe his tone and accusations over something so stupid as a 20 minute training.

And because of this one person I now believe that holding a grudge can be beneficial in certain instances.  I already forgave him.  I wish him well, but far from me.  He is a miserable person and deserving of pity, but I don’t need to forget his abuse and put myself into the firing zone again.   Why should I ever put myself in a situation to get verbally abused again?

I don’t need to be a friend to everyone. I don’t need to be always so helpful to everyone. I can choose who to let be a part of my life.  Even though he is one of the brokers. I can choose not to deal with him.  I am making this choice.  I am worth this choice.  I am deserving of doing my job without this abuse.

Everyone is a teacher and every situation is a lesson.  Sometimes the teacher is a jerk and the lesson is self preservation. I remember my mother saying once: “Be good, but don’t be dumb”.  I am being a dummy to this guy way too long.  Always turning the other cheek, always acting like nothing ever happened. I am not taking it anymore.

I now believe in grudges, not the kind that you carry with you and hate the other person, but the kind that warns you when you are letting your guard down and letting mean intended people worm their way back into your life.

Taking for letting me vent.

“Emotional self-defense… When you set healthier relationship standards in your life, some people will take it personally. That’s their issue, not yours. The distance isn’t against them; it’s for you. It’s a boundary, not a grudge.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

Covid is kicking my behind

05 Wednesday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The most poetical thing in the world is not being sick.”
― G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare

I rarely get sick.
I was vaccinated with the Johnson and Johnson vaccine, choosing not to have a booster yet. I didn’t want a booster at all, and wanted to hold out for a long as I could.  I figured I would get one in April, when I am traveling to Brazil again.

I have always taken all kinds of vitamins and supplements, and since 2020 I have been loading up on Vitamins C, D and Zinc, among others.

I have been mindful, but not paranoid.  I have taken precautions, but chose to live as normally as I could.  As soon as I could I flew to Brazil to see my parents.  I went to casinos, I went on dates, I have met friends. I resumed life as much as I could after the shut down.

“Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.”
― Norman Cousins, Anatomy of an Illness

On December 26, I woke up with a scratchy throat. I just thought it was the beginning of a cold and I did what I always do: I took an Emergen-C in the morning. They work like magic for me. 

When, the next morning, I woke up the same way again, I knew it was something else entirely. I knew I had covid even before taking the test in the evening of December 27,

Since then some symptoms have been changing, evolving, while others have remained the same.

“Be not sick too late, nor well too soon”
― Benjamin Franklin

I have had the following:

  • scratchy/sore throat (on and off, mostly during the night)
  • headaches (only in the first few days)
  • cough (very mild, on and off)
  • body aches (only in the first few days)
  • post nasal drip (on and off, more now in the last few days)
  • mental fogginess (constant)
  • lack of energy (constant, everything I do seems to take a lot effort)
  • loss of taste (it started on day 4, December 30th and still remains today)
  • chest discomfort (I wouldn’t call it a pain, very mild, but noticeable, when I cough or breathe at times)
  • anxiety/ a feeling of doom/the all over sensation that I am off.  Nothing feels right.  (Every single day since it all started)

“The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.”
― Joseph Conrad

I dislike the question that I get often asked: Where did you get it?

It could have been anywhere. Unless there was a way to know exactly when I got it, I don’t think I will ever find out.  Plus it feels like an accusation, or perhaps I am just hypersensitive now?

Other than my cousin that has been living in my apartment since he arrived from Brazil a month ago, none of my friends and people I have been in contact with have the virus.   We all went to dinner with friends on December 23 and then had friends over on December 25.  All those friends are healthy. My sister included.

It is crazy that my sister didn’t catch it.  She has been with my cousin and I every day.  She also takes the train into Manhattan daily and has had people in her office with the virus.  Perhaps she is immune.  She took the Pfizer 2 dose vaccine, I took the Johnson and Johnson 1 dose.  Perhaps that is the difference.

At any rate, I hope to be 100% real soon.  This off feeling is very annoying.  I normally feel like conquering the world. Now I have no energy to do the dishes.  I am still working from home daily because I have to. But I have been doing about 30% of what I would probably be doing normally.

I am glad I was the one to catch and not my parents. If I am this healthy and I am struggling, I can only imagine how awful it is for people with underlying conditions and weaker immune systems.

I hope you all are healthy and happy and on the way to making 2022 the best year of your lives!

“A chronic invalid has but one thought about his identity: He doesn’t want to be a sick man. The rest of the discussion seems frivolous to him-an immense privilege of the healthy. Still, I’m a novelist, and so I pursue it.” ― Nancy Horan