Tag Archives: too much too soon

Pay me no compliments, tell me no lies!

03 Thursday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 31 Comments

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On Sunday I had a first date with the accountant that lives over an hour away in NJ.  He hit traffic, so it turned into an even longer drive.  He kept me informed along the way.  We ended up meeting an hour later than expected.

Unbeknownst to him, he picked a place within walking distance from me, Alvin and Friends, so his lateness was not a problem for me.  The food was great, I had ribs.  Yes, I had ribs on a first date!  He had the rosemary chicken.  Both delicious! 

The drinks were awful.  Later I saw that there seemed to be no bartender, the hostess appeared to be making the drinks. I sent my drink back.  I also mentioned to the waitress that they got my date’s order wrong.  He thought it was cute that I was “defending him”.  His words.

I am not a complainer and normally don’t make a big deal about things, but when it seems that the wait staff is not paying attention and is just careless, I will speak up. Politely.      

Getting back to the date.  He is better in person, in all senses.  He was handsome, funny, and very intelligent.  The conversation was great.

BUT, there is always a but!  He paid me compliments!  Yes, how dared he!!! Lol

I mean, he paid me too many compliments.  Yes, there is such a thing.  He went on and on, on how I was beautiful, smart, fun, etc.  He said that I was animated and talked with my hands.  He said my happiness was contagious. He would look at me with puppy eyes and marvel at how beautiful I was. It was over the top. 

The next day, Monday morning, he texted me at 7:03am, see below.  I made a point of not replying until later.

His enthusiasm is definitely too much too soon. This hurry, this sense of urgency, smells of despair and neediness, and that is not a great smell on a man, or anyone, for that matter.  It makes me feel it is not about how great I am, but instead, it is about how needy they are.

I think he is a great guy, but this hurry, just makes me want to run.  With the experience of that last guy, I am not even telling him to slow down anymore.  I am just talking to him tonight,  wishing him luck and moving on.  They may say they can slow down, but they really can’t. 

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Romance not available, friendship only: Take it or leave it

02 Wednesday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 19 Comments

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One Seventy Nine Bar and Grill

One Seventy Nine Bar and Grill

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”  ― P.G. Wodehouse

It was a very busy weekend.  On Friday I met the guy I had a few dates with 5 years ago. On Saturday I met someone as a friend, or so I thought.  On Sunday I had a first date with the accountant that lives over an hour away in NJ. 

I am going to talk about Friday and Saturday on a next post. Today I am going to write about the guy I met on Saturday.  He is this one:  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2022/01/26/old-fashioned-much/

I thought he understood when I explained that I wanted to have a friendship.  After that post, I started ignoring any time the texting and calls got too much. Eventually the texting slowed down, and there were no calls. I felt he was no longer making me the center of his universe.  It seemed we could be friends after all.  

When he said we should do something fun, like going to a Drag Queen Show I accepted and said I was bringing my sister. On Saturday when we realized that we had missed the show, he said we should go to dinner instead.  

We went to a new restaurant in town. Dinner was a lot fun.  The food was delicious.  I had hanger steak, my sister had a creamy pasta with vegetables and he had the osso buco.  The cocktails were okay.

The next day, the texting, along with pictures, and calling, started again.  Finally, last night, when he called me yet again, insisting that we should spend Saturday or Sunday together, I realized that I had to talk to him again about being just friends.

“The more tenuous the ties that hold us together, the easier it is to say goodbye. -[Julia, ‘Harbour of Love’]”
― Rosamunde Pilcher, A Place Like Home: Short Stories

I told him I didn’t want to spend a whole day with him and send him the wrong message.  What proceeded was just weird, as it seemed he went through various stages of the grieving process.

At first, he seemed surprised when I said that there was no romance in our future, and that friendship was all I was offering. As if that was the first time I ever said that. He seemed to imply that I was the one that had reached out to him, after he had given me space.  I disagree, but I let that go.  Who did what at this point is meaningless. 

I felt he needed to speak and somehow rationalize the situation.  I just let him speak with minor interruptions.  If I am letting someone down, I normally don’t like splitting hairs.  All that is important is that he gets the message.

“we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.” ― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Where did the chemistry go? He asked at one point.  I wanted to say: you killed it with all the calling and texting, too much too soon.  I did end up saying something like that.  I said I felt overwhelmed with the attention. I did.

He implied he couldn’t have a friendship because when he meets someone he devotes all his energy, implying that he wouldn’t have time/energy for a friendship.  I said that I respected that.

I let him go on and on.  I am not sure if he was trying to convince me to stay or him to go, but whatever it was, after 20 minutes I was feeling drained and annoyed. The worst thing someone can do is to try to convince me to ignore my feelings.

When I wished him luck on finding someone else he asked me if I had any leads and to let him know if I had any friends.  Then he added: “I would do the same for you if I knew what you wanted.”

He has a point.  I don’t know what I want, but I know it is not him.  He is a great person, but not for me.  

The takeaway for me is twofold.  First, most of the time when a guy, that is so infatuated like he is, says he is okay with friendship, he is really not.  He just thinks that the more time we spend together, I will end up falling in love. Second, be explicit next time.  In trying to spare his feelings, I may have given him false hope.

“Observe the behavior of the butterfly, and chase no one, for they will only elude you.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover

Tonight I am going on a second date with one of those two other guys: the one from the past or the one from NJ.  Stay tuned…

What is less than a break up, but still a break up?

14 Friday Jan 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 26 Comments

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“Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.”
― Graham Greene, The Comedians

After 3 dates I had to cancel the 4th because of Covid.  He wanted to meet up last week, but I was still not 100% and decided to wait.  Then the following day he said he didn’t wake up feeling well.  He hasn’t been well ever since.  Yesterday, 7 days later, he finally took a home test and it was positive.

I don’t know when I will see him next.  The sad part is that I don’t care.  In the beginning of this potential relationship, I should be looking forward to seeing him, to talking on the phone, etc; and I am not. 

I feel overwhelmed by his attention, by the daily texting and wanting to talk on the phone.  He is kind, considerate, smart, such a great person.  But it all feels a bit too much to me. I feel drained at times.

“I felt as if each person within visual range were slowly draining the life from me. We were all connected, and the more them there were, the more I wanted to crawl under a table and cry.” ― Shaun David Hutchinson, We Are the Ants

He doesn’t know me yet. It feels like his excitement is not really about me, but the idea of me, the idea of a relationship.  If it really is about me, then he is definitely more into me, than I am into him. 

From the beginning I didn’t feel a lot chemistry, but I sensed potential.  I figured we would go on a few more dates and let things flow.  Instead, it feels I must make a decision now, otherwise I may be leading him on.

I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone or on text, but I don’t feel I can wait anymore. I have mentioned to him before, how I feel pressured if it is too much too soon, but I don’t think he really understood.

It feels like a breakup, but when is a break up a break up?  We had 3 dates. I feel he tried to speed things up, and covid put a wrench on things, but I don’t feel we were a relationship yet.  

I think this is the case that if we were right for each other I would just welcome the attention and not feel pressured.  With the right person everything feels right.  

“I’ll tell you something, Harpy,” he said, his voice almost a whisper now. “It never even occurred to me that we wouldn’t make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything.” ― Kristan Higgins, My One and Only