a great guy for somebody else, be clear about intentions, don't chase don't beg, letting someone down easy, too much too soon, wanting friendship and not a romantic relationship
One Seventy Nine Bar and Grill
“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.” ― P.G. Wodehouse
It was a very busy weekend. On Friday I met the guy I had a few dates with 5 years ago. On Saturday I met someone as a friend, or so I thought. On Sunday I had a first date with the accountant that lives over an hour away in NJ.
I am going to talk about Friday and Saturday on a next post. Today I am going to write about the guy I met on Saturday. He is this one: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2022/01/26/old-fashioned-much/
I thought he understood when I explained that I wanted to have a friendship. After that post, I started ignoring any time the texting and calls got too much. Eventually the texting slowed down, and there were no calls. I felt he was no longer making me the center of his universe. It seemed we could be friends after all.
When he said we should do something fun, like going to a Drag Queen Show I accepted and said I was bringing my sister. On Saturday when we realized that we had missed the show, he said we should go to dinner instead.
We went to a new restaurant in town. Dinner was a lot fun. The food was delicious. I had hanger steak, my sister had a creamy pasta with vegetables and he had the osso buco. The cocktails were okay.
The next day, the texting, along with pictures, and calling, started again. Finally, last night, when he called me yet again, insisting that we should spend Saturday or Sunday together, I realized that I had to talk to him again about being just friends.
“The more tenuous the ties that hold us together, the easier it is to say goodbye. -[Julia, ‘Harbour of Love’]”
― Rosamunde Pilcher, A Place Like Home: Short Stories
I told him I didn’t want to spend a whole day with him and send him the wrong message. What proceeded was just weird, as it seemed he went through various stages of the grieving process.
At first, he seemed surprised when I said that there was no romance in our future, and that friendship was all I was offering. As if that was the first time I ever said that. He seemed to imply that I was the one that had reached out to him, after he had given me space. I disagree, but I let that go. Who did what at this point is meaningless.
I felt he needed to speak and somehow rationalize the situation. I just let him speak with minor interruptions. If I am letting someone down, I normally don’t like splitting hairs. All that is important is that he gets the message.
“we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.” ― Douglas Stone, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Where did the chemistry go? He asked at one point. I wanted to say: you killed it with all the calling and texting, too much too soon. I did end up saying something like that. I said I felt overwhelmed with the attention. I did.
He implied he couldn’t have a friendship because when he meets someone he devotes all his energy, implying that he wouldn’t have time/energy for a friendship. I said that I respected that.
I let him go on and on. I am not sure if he was trying to convince me to stay or him to go, but whatever it was, after 20 minutes I was feeling drained and annoyed. The worst thing someone can do is to try to convince me to ignore my feelings.
When I wished him luck on finding someone else he asked me if I had any leads and to let him know if I had any friends. Then he added: “I would do the same for you if I knew what you wanted.”
He has a point. I don’t know what I want, but I know it is not him. He is a great person, but not for me.
The takeaway for me is twofold. First, most of the time when a guy, that is so infatuated like he is, says he is okay with friendship, he is really not. He just thinks that the more time we spend together, I will end up falling in love. Second, be explicit next time. In trying to spare his feelings, I may have given him false hope.
“Observe the behavior of the butterfly, and chase no one, for they will only elude you.” ― Song of a Nature Lover
Tonight I am going on a second date with one of those two other guys: the one from the past or the one from NJ. Stay tuned…