Category Archives: Daily Life

From ghosting to gaslighting, to goodbye

20 Tuesday Apr 2021

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“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope

P. is out of the hospital and home recuperating. It is disappointing how I found out.

I hadn’t heard any updates from his sister or his friend.  Originally I was alternating sending daily texts and messages on OKCupid.  Then it was every couple of days.  I didn’t want to be overwhelming.  My messages were short and all it said was something like: “I hope you are getting better. Sending prayers.”

I imagined that he would be happy to see that there was someone thinking of him and wishing him well, as I would.  I thought that once he could get to his phone he would send me a note.  Not that I thought we would resume dating where we left off.  I thought we could be friends and go from there.   His focus should be on his health. 

Imagine my surprise when I logged on the dating site on Sunday morning and saw that the green light next to his name was on, meaning he was online. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, perhaps somebody had his phone or computer or something.

I logged a few more times throughout the day and continued to see the green light.  Since I had been texting and messaging him all along it made no sense to text him again, so I texted his friend.

I was surprised.  Clearly, Peter has been getting my messages. I wonder why not say anything. Even if just to make me go away.  Say something like: “I am out of the hospital and resting.  I will be in touch when I am well.”

His friend seemed to imply I was bothering.  I took the hint. Case closed.

An hour later Peter wrote. Clearly his friend let him know I texted him.  At the top is my last text to him from 6 days earlier.  I don’t think I was over the top with the texting amount and content.



I didn’t reply.  Ten minutes later he messaged on OKCupid saying the same thing. I didn’t reply there either.  Clearly, he only texted me because his friend said something.

Just now, as I am writing this, I noticed that he sent me that text yesterday (it was an extra busy day yesterday). It changes nothing for me.

This chapter is done. I am glad he is out of the hospital and doing well. 

Later, still on Sunday, his friend wrote again:

WHAT?  He is surprised I am concerned?  He is the one that tracked me down on the dating site to let me know Peter was in the hospital.  Peter is the one that was already planning dinners and trips; and talking to friends and family about me.

This, to me, is an example of gaslighting.  Making it seem like I imagined things.   I didn’t reply.  

Then last night, he wrote again:

Offended? no.  Annoyed? yes.  But not worth the time and energy explaining to him that he was out of line. It is best to just move on.

I replied this morning:

It is indeed all good.  Everything is always good, and it is always as it is meant to be.  There are lessons here and I will eventually learn them.  But I will continue treating people as I want to be treated. I can live with that regret.

My disappointment is not because of another potential romance that has failed.  A romance failure just means I am getting closer and closer to the real thing.  I am disappointed that Peter couldn’t have had the decency and kindness of reaching out before being forced to.  He left me wondering if he was dead or alive. In the meantime he was checking the dating site.

NEXT!

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

In other news, life is busy and I still manage to go on a couple of dates that I will be writing about next. Stay tuned, this rollercoaster never stops for long.

 

Displaced sadness

18 Sunday Apr 2021

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“One person’s craziness is another person’s reality.” ― Tim Burton

On Thursday, when I called my mom, I could tell something was wrong by how she said hello.  I joked that she was not smiling when she answered the phone.  She started crying and told me she had been crying the whole day.

She proceeded to give me the terrible news. This is how she phrased it: “My faithful companion of over 30 years is broken”.

What?

She went on: “My washing machine broke down again and now they will probably not be able to fix it.  The technician is coming tomorrow but they already told me that is hard to find parts for this machine”.

I tried to talk some sense into her.  I told her that crying over material stuff was just senseless.  As I have said so many times, I told her to go buy a new, a better one.  It made her mad.  She wasn’t having any of it. 

“I have been crying,” she replied, simply, “and it has done me good. It helps a woman you know, just as swearing helps a man.” ― Horace Annesley Vachell, The Romance of Judge Ketchum

She continued: “The machines nowadays are worthless.  They don’t wash as good as this one.  She has been helping me for a long time.  There is no way I am letting anyone take her out of here.  If it is completely dead, I will find a place to keep it.”

She went on and on.

For everyone that thinks I am a Drama Queen, well, now you know who I take after.  But all kidding aside, I think this is displaced grief, displaced sadness.  The broken machine was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I believe she was crying for everything. For not being able to travel to NY.  For not being able to see my sister and I.  For losing so many acquaintances.  For not receiving the visits of her friends. For having issues with her hip that keeps her from being, her usual, active self.  And of course, for all this Covid-19 uncertainty.

It was probably good for her to cry and let all the frustration, fear and uncertainty out.  Who am I to tell her what to be sad about? Who am I to diminish her tears and pain?

The following day, Friday,  when I called, there was smile again on her hello.  She sheepishly said: “The tech came and fixed her.  He happened to bring the correct part with him”. 

She lives to see another day.

“It is a grave injustice to a child or adult to insist that they stop crying. One can comfort a person who is crying which enables him to relax and makes further crying unnecessary; but to humiliate a crying child is to increase his pain, and augment his rigidity. We stop other people from crying because we cannot stand the sounds and movements of their bodies. It threatens our own rigidity. It induces similar feelings in ourselves which we dare not express and it evokes a resonance in our own bodies which we resist.” ― Alexander Lowen, The Voices of the Body

Cute or Cruel?

09 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis

 

Rolling the Dice

07 Wednesday Apr 2021

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“Is this thing safe?”
“Safe as life,” Gansey replied.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys

Yesterday I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. So far, zero side effects.

I didn’t want to take it, but at this point I feel I have to.  I want to resume life.  Not that I am not resuming life already.  

But I felt I needed to take the vaccine to be able to travel.  I need to go to Brazil and see my parents.   Brazil is a complete mess.  I am so sad and scared for everyone there.

I have been bombarded with opinions from all sides.  Some said take it, some say don’t.  Once I decided to take it, then, the question was which of the 3 available vaccines to take.  Which is more effective, which has the least side effects, etc

One can go insane if he/she starts listening to people’s opinion.  I read some publications that were sent to me, I pondered for weeks.  In the end I am followed my heart and gut on what I thought I needed to do.

I told a close friend that was trying to talk me out of it: “I am rolling the dice”.  He said: “I honor that”.

So, whatever you choose to do or not do, I honor that! 

“If we stay where we are, where we’re stuck, where we’re comfortable and safe, we die there. We become like mushrooms, living in the dark, with poop up to our chins. If you want to know only what you already know, you’re dying. You’re saying: Leave me alone; I don’t mind this little rathole. It’s warm and dry. Really, it’s fine.

When nothing new can get in, that’s death. When oxygen can’t find a way in, you die. But new is scary, and new can be disappointing, and confusing – we had this all figured out, and now we don’t.

New is life.”
― Anne Lamott, Help Thanks Wow

 

Feeling blessed: Pat found me, P. is getting better and A. celebrated me

07 Wednesday Apr 2021

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“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” -― Lao-Tzu

P.’s sister hasn’t contacted me again, as she said she would.  In the meantime, his best friend Pat, contacted me on OKCupid a few days ago.  He wanted to let me know that P. had not ghosted me.

I was very surprised.  It was nice of him to do that.  I gave him my phone number and asked him to let me know if he receives any updates. 

Since I hadn’t heard from the sister, I texted Pat yesterday morning.  He got back to me at the end of the day and he let me know that P. is off of the respirator and out of the ICU. 

I am relieved and happy that he is getting better.  I know I will be speaking to him at some point, but I know he now needs to focus on getting better.  

In the meantime I do sent him texts and messages just sending prayers.

***

Last Friday I was treated to a late birthday dinner by my friend A.  He said he would pick the restaurant.  I was surprised since I am the one that often chooses where we go when we get together.

He picked Lusardi’s, a Mediterranean restaurant in Larchmont, NY.  He said he remembered I mentioned I never went there before.  I was touched that he remembered something I had mentioned in passing a long time ago.

He had red wine and I had a delicious hibiscus martini. We shared a couple of tuna appetizers and salad.  He had a gluten free pasta with vegetables and I had grilled char with cherry tomatoes and artichokes.  We shared a chocolate fudge cake. 

We had an awesome time.  It was a cold evening and we sat next to the fireplace.  We talk about all things spiritual, love, finances, health, anything and everything.  We always have the most amazing time together. 

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

My date has been found

02 Friday Apr 2021

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“The most poetical thing in the world is not being sick.” ― G.K. Chesterton

Updating from my last post.

By this afternoon I still hadn’t heard from P. I decided to call the hospital again. I spoke to the nurse in ICU. I explained to her who I was – someone that had 2 dates with him; and also that I had no idea even if he was the right person.

She offered to take my name and number and give it to the family.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios. She tossing the number away. Giving to the family and they choosing to ignore it. Or perhaps receiving a call from some woman saying: stop calling my husband.  My imagination went into overdrive.

The nurse gave my number to his sister when she called in.  The sister called me this evening. I am embarrassed to say that I got so overwhelmed and anxious with the phone call that I really didn’t ask anything. I assumed a lot things. I need to work on that.

“Assumptions are the enemy of coherence,” Sharine said.
In other words, You’re an idiot.” ― Nalini Singh

I understood that he didn’t feel well on Monday, and ended up going to the hospital on Tuesday. As of today he was in the ICU was on the respirator.

I didn’t ask why he was on the hospital. I assumed it had to do with having had Covid-19 in the past.  He mentioned having to be in the hospital for 5 days because of breathing issues.

She said that she knew we had plans on Saturday night, and that I was probably trying to get in touch with him. She has his phone but not password to get in.

She said she will be visiting him tomorrow and will text me with an update. I will try speaking to her and actually getting more information. I will try letting her get the words out before I cut her off with my assumptions.

At least now we know what happened… well, kind of.  It is too much like a romantic comedy; if it was not so tragic.

Prayers for his recovery are welcomed and appreciated! ♥♥

“Every sickness has an alien quality, a feeling of invasion and loss of control that is evident in the language we use about it.” ― Siri Hustvedt

Accepting uncertainty and hoping for the best

31 Wednesday Mar 2021

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“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” ― Rumi

This is such a weird post to write.  I originally started writing about being ghosted by the guy I had 2 dates with.  I have been ghosted many times before.  I was a mixture of being angry, concerned and totally indifferent – if that makes any sense at all. 

We had 2 great dates, and have been exchanging messages every day.  Last time I exchanged messages with him was Sunday.  We talked about meeting during the week and on Saturday he was going to cook me dinner.  

On Monday there was silence. I sent a text when I didn’t hear from him by 2pm. At 7pm I reached out again.  Then yesterday I texted, and at 3:30pm I called. It rang until it went into voice mail. I left a message. At 7:30 I left another voice mail.

He is an accountant, so I am aware that this is his busy season. But no one is that busy that they cannot send a text saying at least: “I am busy”, or “Go away”.

“Because I thought it was still possible everything was all right. Why did I think that? Because I had not heard otherwise. I was in the middle of a mystery.” ― Sebastian Barry,  The Secret Scripture

Two days of silence is not a lot, but he had seemed so serious about me. Today I decided to call the hospitals because of something he had mentioned before.  He said he had been in the hospital with Covid some weeks prior.  I called the hospital he had mentioned first.  Nothing.  Then I called the hospital where his house is.  Nothing.  Then I called the hospital where he has his apartment.

There is a patient there in ICU with his name.  He has a fairly common name, so there is still a possibility that it is not him, but it probably is.  The nurse at ICU wouldn’t give me any information because I am not family.  

I feel awful and powerless.  I have no information about his family.  We had 2 dates, I can’t even be considered a friend yet, so I am not even sure if they would even talk to me. 

My hope is that someone in his family is monitoring his phone and they will eventually see my texts and text me back.  He is very close with his family, I would think that he mentioned my name to them if he was as serious about me as he seemed.  I know he has mentioned me to a friend named Pat.

I guess, at this point, all I can do is to have patience and wait.  Wait for something.  I pray that he will be okay.

“The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. The more you worship, the less you worry. You’ll feel more patient and less pressured.” ― Rick Warren

***

 

55th Birthday celebration in Newport, RI

30 Tuesday Mar 2021

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My sister and I went to Newport, RI for our 55th birthday.  It was beautiful there.  I thought it was my first time being there.  Then, as I was driving on Bellevue Avenue, I saw the International Tennis Hall of Fame and realized I had been there before.

It was almost 10 years ago.  It was for Andre Agassi’s induction ceremony in July 2011.  It may as well had been in a prior life.  I was with Ex then.  Ex, the one that deserves no introduction, but I will clarify for new readers.  He is the one that cheated on me and broke my heart over 9 years ago.  He is the reason why I started this blog – to get the pain out of my being.

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” – Mario Puzo,  The Last Don

I guess I really blocked all the memories of those 3 years with him.  Speaking of him, he texted to wish my sister and I a happy birthday.  I just deleted it.  But it always angers me.  The fact that he thinks that it is okay to contact me after I went as far as telling him to pretend I was dead.  The nerve!  He is not my friend.

Back to Newport and our birthday.  It was beautiful and we had a great time.  We stayed at the America’s Cup Inn.  It was the perfect location for us, right in the center of everything.  So happens that the entire staff of this hotel was Brazilian, and all so nice and helpful.  As we Brazilians often are.

We drove around the island and at times parked and walked around the shore.  Newport is famous for, among other things, the Gilded Age mansions.  We visited the only one that was open: The Marble House.  It was beautiful, opulent and so rich in history.  (pictured below)

We shopped in the little stores in downtown for souvenirs and ate in delicious places. I failed to make reservations for a couple of places I really want to eat at, so we weren’t able to get in.  Better planning next time.  

We will definitely go back at some point!

As far as turning 55, it just feels so foreign to me.  But such a milestone deserves its own post.  I will be writing about it in a separate post.

“Be the celebrators, celebrate! Already there is too much—the flowers have bloomed, the birds are singing, the sun is there in the sky—celebrate it! You are breathing and you are alive and you have consciousness, celebrate it!” ― Osho

Look Rob… Godiva chocolates

24 Wednesday Mar 2021

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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

The second date with P. was last night.  It was going to be tonight, but I have stuff to do before leaving tomorrow to Newport, RI, so I decided to do it a day earlier.

The restaurant we wanted to go, Red Plum in Mamaroneck, was doing only take out.  He suggested we get take out and go to his apartment or house (he is living in the apartment and the house is up for sale).  I politely declined. 

We went a few doors down to Frankie and Fanucci’s instead. The food was good, the usual Italian fare.  After dinner we crossed the street and went to Milk N Cookies.  OMG!  The triple chocolate cookie was amazing.

Tonight was fun, but not as fun as the first date.  He seemed off, and I told him that.  He apologized and said it has been crazy for him at work – accounting season after all.

There were still sparks and we will be seeing each other when I return next week. 🙂

My birthday is on Sunday (the big 55!!), and I had mentioned I like chocolates.  He showed up with Godiva chocolates. 

Rob, somebody beat you to it! Rob, my dear friend from  https://forfriendswithoutborders.wordpress.com/ and I have this joke that he is going to bring me Godiva chocolates.  Well, I think it is more of my wishing for men to show up at my door with chocolates lol

Godiva will be closing all their stores, but apparently my date was able to find one still open.

Don’t despair Rob 😉 The good news is that there is always room for chocolate.

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson

A first date with sparks :-)

21 Sunday Mar 2021

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“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.” – Oscar Wilde

He had suggested the Hudson Grill in White Plains.  Instead, I chose Bill and Pete’s in Larchmont because I thought it would be quieter.

I was wrong.  We were seated at a tall table by the bar.  It was pretty loud. There were some people congregating by the bar, happily, singing and dancing.  I guess everyone is just happy to be out again after so long.

He was cute, charming and very nervous.  I was not.  I never get nervous on first dates.  They will either like me or they won’t, it is not a big deal either way.  I knew he would be a nice guy and we would have a good time.

I no longer go on first dates expecting sparks.  I go expecting good conversation and a friendly time.

He is a 56 years old accountant. He is soon to be divorced for the second time. What is up with my meeting men that has been married a couple of times before?

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.” – Albert Camus

We shared a couple of appetizers and a sausage pizza for the main course. The food came in reverse order. All good, it didn’t bother us.

He had Pinot Grigio, I had Prosecco. Towards the of the evening the owner treated us to another round of drinks.

He was cute, funny, clumsy. He almost flipped the table on top of me. It was a small tall table and he leaned over to hear me better. The waitress was passing by at the same moment and quickly held it down. He was mortified.

Later on I had ordered a little ice cream cone with a donut on top for dessert. It was so tiny and cute, I asked him to hold it so I could take a picture. He dropped it. He was again extremely embarrassed.

We talked and laughed the whole evening.  We got there at 6:30 and left at 10pm.  In the end it was clear that we liked each other and that there were sparks.

We have a second date scheduled for Wednesday.  I am looking forward to seeing him again…that hasn’t happened in a long time.

“. . .Looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

TO RECAP: Since joining OKCupid, I have met 4 men:

D, 58 yrs. old, Volleyball fanatic.  We met at Sedona Tap House.  He is a great guy.  Asked me on a second date, but I declined.  He agreed to be friends.

N, 57 yrs. old, CFO. We met at Encore Bistro Francais.  We were supposed to go on a second date but I had the dental surgery.  No sparks, but I thought it would be fun to see him again.

S, 54 yrs. old, Attorney. We met at La Herradura. He seemed very interested but then just became apparently too busy.  No crazy sparks but thought we needed a second date to make sure.

P, 56 yrs. old, Accountant. Described on this post.

I am pleasantly surprised with OKCupid.  I am not a paying member but so far I have come accross very interesting men.  Most of them I have no met yet as they want to wait to get vaccinated.  I may be off the market by then 🙂

Stay tuned…

“I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic
person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.” – ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise