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“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis