Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

Online dating: rejection reasons

10 Sunday Oct 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.” ― Albert Einstein

I have a love-hate relationship with online dating.  I love the idea of being proactive and  not sitting around waiting for someone to knock on my door.  I love meeting people that I wouldn’t normally meet on my day to day life.

I dislike a lot about it.  I hate all the catfish and fake profiles. I hate the people that are not serious about meeting someone.  I hate the time and energy that I need to put into it to come away with one or two good dates.

At the moment, I am only on OKCupid.  It is by far the dating site I like the least.  I have been on E-harmony, Plenty of Fish and Match prior to OKC.   I am normally able to find interesting people to meet, but so far here it has been slim pickings.

Perhaps I shouldn’t blame only the site. I can blame Covid.  I need to take some of the blame also.  I go through phases.  Phases of putting more energy into it, and phases of not having patience for it.  Lately, I lack time, energy and patience.

“You walk like others? You talk like others? You think like others? Then the world doesn’t need you because others are already abundant in the world! Be original!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Here are some of the reasons why I chose not to meet someone after we matched online and started exchanging messages:

  • All he did was badmouth his ex-wife.  I didn’t ask or invited the topic, but he kept finding reasons to mention her.  I don’t appreciate that.
  • HIs finances are a disaster.  He volunteered that he has tons of credit card bills and lost his home due to overspending.   I appreciated the honesty, but don’t want to embark on that sinking ship.
  • He lived too far and expected me to drive to him to meet for the first time.  He said we could meet by a coffee shop near the highway.  How was that supposed to be enticing to me, I will never know.
  • He never called me by name.  It was always honey, sweetie, babes, etc, in a way that felt condescending. It just rubbed me the wrong way.
  • He was a show off and thought he knew it all.  I couldn’t get a word in.  It was all about his exotic vacations, expensive cars and artwork. It was all very unattractive to me.
  • He couldn’t make conversation or form a sentence.  In texting it was only abbreviations and slangs. There was never any real conversation.
  • He was too young.  Even though he seemed like a great person, more than 20 years difference is just too young.  Tempting, very tempting.
  • He lied about being older.  After sharing phone numbers and scheduling a date, I found out that he was over 70 years old.  On his profile it said he was 62.  I didn’t appreciate only finding that out because I asked. What else was he not telling me?
  • He was too slow to respond.  He said he was very busy, only sending a message on the app every other week. I am very busy, but if someone interests me, I make the time.
  • He wanted to speak on the phone and text forever, always being too busy to meet. I don’t want nightly phone calls with somebody I never met and doesn’t have time to meet.
  • He had 5 kids by 3 different women.  It just felt too much for me.

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. (xxvi)” ― Eve Ensler, I Am an Emotional Creature

Here are some of the reasons why they chose not to meet me or continue exchanging messages:

  • I didn’t want to give him my phone number right away.  I like to know something about the person before speaking on the phone or texting.  His initial message was: Hi, what is your number?
  • I mentioned I don’t pay or split the check on a date, specially the first date.  He said that I am not a modern woman.
  • I was not willing to have a first date at his house. He said I was uptight and not fun.
  • I didn’t want to talk on the phone every night.  He felt I was not interested in him enough.
  • I was too much of an adventurist.  I said in my profile that I was adventurous.  What is adventurist anyway?
  • I was not interested in his attempts at sexting. He said he was looking for someone more fun.
  • I was vaccinated. The moment he found out I was vaccinated all he did was talk about Eugenics and depopulation agenda.

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” ― Margaret Mead

Am I too picky, or perhaps just overqualified for the job of girlfriend?  I am happy as is, and that makes it difficult to add a person to that situation.

It is a matter of what feels good to me and my heart.  Who makes my heart sing, who makes me feel comfortable and at home.  Who makes me feel special.  Perhaps I am antiquated in my dating views, but I am sure there is an antiquated guy out there for me.

Someone pointed out to me at this rate I am going to end up alone.  I joked: “That is not a problem.  I love my own company”.  Well, I do!

And on that note, I am leaving now for a brunch date.  Will report late.

“Journey to the Heart of Beauty; do not be obsessed with mental and egoic ideas of form and perfection. Get your hands and feet dirty, dance in the rain, and rejoice in the Life that is Living Itself through the Uniqueness of You!” ― Laurence Galian, The Sun At Midnight: The Revealed Mysteries Of The Ahlul Bayt Sufis

 

 

 

Many ways to break your neck, I mean, to be adventurous

06 Wednesday Oct 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Fiction

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“I didn’t want my life to be an occasional adventure. I wanted adventure to be  my life.” ― Jean-Philippe Soulé, I, Tarzan: Against All Odds

The other day a friend teased me when I said I was afraid to ride one of those e-scooters.  He said: You?  Really?  Aren’t you Miss Adventure?

I always considered myself adventurous, but what have I been doing lately that qualifies as adventurous? Just calling myself adventurous doesn’t make me adventurous.

There are over 200 e-scooters and 30 bikes available around downtown New Rochelle.  They seem fun and dangerous at the same time.  I toy with the idea of trying the scooter above out. 

Perhaps on a grassy field with no people or cars around.  Visions of attempting to rollerblade come to mind.  I didn’t do any better with piloting a motorcycle. I broke the mirror on my sister’s bike on the first try.

“Adventures are all very well in their place, but there’s a lot to be said for regular meals and freedom from pain.” ― Neil Gaiman, Stardust

Do I have to risk injury to prove I am adventurous, or perhaps I should just quit portraying myself as such?

Perhaps I can just be adventurous in mind and not in action. In my mind I am everything.

As far as the bike above, I am not afraid of it.  I just haven’t rode one in several years.  I figure one of theses days I will be riding one. It should be easy, after all, it is just like riding a bike 🙂

Or perhaps I should be afraid of it.  I still remember the last time I was on one.  It was right in downtown New Rochelle, and I think I was riding on the wrong side of the street or something like that.  A man stuck his head out of his van and yelled: “Lady, you are going to kill yourself”.

“Until you step into the unknown, you don’t know what you’re made of.” ― Roy T. Bennett

I rode home and was never on a bike again. I am not sure if he was the reason or if I just didn’t have a chance to ride again.

Can I just walk and be adventurous, or do I have to risk life and limb? I already risk myself skiing. 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

Why is it so important to me to be adventurous, or to see myself as adventurous?  I guess I equate “being adventurous” as “fully enjoying life” and “living with gusto”. 

I fully embrace the idea that we have to do things we fear to be able to grow.   Perhaps that is the reason that I hang on to skiing.  To feel adventurous. And to also feel young and powerful.

I fear being stuck, and not growing. One of the worst sins for me would be to one day look back in my life, and realize that I wasted my life for fear. Fear of trying, fear of getting hurt, fear of making a fool of myself, etc.

With all that being said: No, I am not trying that e-scooter any time soon.  And yes, I am going to continue to call myself adventurous. 

Hi, I am Ana and I am adventurous, and yet cautious. 

“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

 

Coffee and friends: the perfect blend

30 Thursday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts, Poetry

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“Either way, he figured a cup of coffee would hit the spot. For what is more versatile? As at home in tin as it is in Limoges, coffee can energize the industrious at dawn, calm the reflective at noon, or raise the spirits of the beleagured in the middle of the night.” ― Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow

Again I am struggling to finish posts.  Blame it on lack of time and lack of focus.  Ideas come and go, and they fail to land on a page and be posted. 

I am trying to be better and do better.   

In the meantime my mosaics keep going.  Here is another one.  Now that I posted the pictures, I can see a lot of issues with the final product.  Such as, there are some areas where I need to clean some more of the grout off.  But if I am going to wait to do that first to post, this would be another post that wouldn’t see the light of the day.

Also, that is the beauty of mosaics, it is never perfect 🙂

“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”- Seinfeld

“What the hell makes you smart?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t go for coffee with you.”
“Listen – I wouldn’t ask you.”
“That,” she replied, “is what makes you stupid.”
― Erich Segal, Love Story

“Coffee and chocolate—the inventor of mocha should be sainted.”
― Cherise Sinclair, Hour of the Lion

“Coffee is a lot more than just a drink; it’s something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup” ― Gertrude Stein, Selected Writings

“Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”-Anne Morrow Lindberg

And here is a sneak peak at the start of a ladybug, inspired by Monica at https://brilliantviewpoint.com/2021/09/03/ladybug-more-luck/

 

Feeling Inspired

24 Friday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

It was drizzling and cold very early this morning, when I walked to work.  I didn’t bother getting an umbrella.  It is always so windy around my apartment that umbrellas are useless.

I love, love this cool weather, changing into colder and colder, and then soon snow.  

I love the kind of days that some people call ugly: the rainy, cold, and dark days.  The best is to wake up to a day that is so dark, it is hard to tell if it is day or night.   I love the way it hits me.  It makes me feel alive.  It feels poetic.

I once told somebody that, and he said jokingly: “What is wrong with you? You should be a vampire.” Well, I had also told him that if were not for my sister and my plants I would never open my curtains.

I love the sun, but I think there is a certain comfort and coziness in dark spaces.  It is soothing. It embraces you like the welcoming arms of a lover.

It is now hours later, sunny and warm.  I am grateful for this Friday.  Nature is beautiful, sunny or cloudy, rain or shine, day or night. 

I am feeling inspired and Rilke came to mind.  The writing below is from “Letters to a Young Poet”.  I believe there is a young poet inside each one of us.  Sometimes the medium used is not words, but any art can be poetic.

From the poet inside of me to the poet inside of you:

“Describe your sorrows and desires, the thoughts that pass through your mind and your belief in some kind of beauty – describe all these with heartfelt, silent, humble sincerity and, when you express yourself, use the things around you, the images from your dreams, and the objects that you remember.

If your everyday life seems poor, don’t blame it; blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is not poverty and no poor, indifferent place. And even if you found yourself in some prison, whose walls let in none of the world’s sounds – wouldn’t you still have your childhood, that jewel beyond all price, that treasure house of memories? Turn your attentions to it.

Try to raise up the sunken feelings of this enormous past; your personality will grow stronger, your solitude will expand and become a place where you can live in the twilight, where the noise of other people passes by, far in the distance. – And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it. A work of art is good if it has arisen out of necessity. That is the only way one can judge it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

A perfect Sunday and not so perfect boundaries

22 Wednesday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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“No” is a complete sentence.” -― Annie Lamott

On Sunday my sister and I went to the New Rochelle Street Fair.  It was okay.  We didn’t stay long. We then walked back to R Cafe and Tea Boutique.  Miraculously, the only table outside was empty and waiting for us. It was a gorgeous breezy sunny day. 

For a second I felt like I was in Paris.  All because of the the French rattan bistro chairs and the perfect setting.  I have never been to Paris, by the way 🙂

Later in the afternoon we got foot massages.  In the evening I went to dinner to with my friend A., at Sonora Restaurant in Port Chester.  That is one of my favorite restaurants, and A. is one of my favorite people.

“Boundaries aren’t all bad. That’s why there are walls around mental institutions.” ― Peggy Noonan, Patriotic Grace: What It Is and Why We Need It Now

He lets me be.  I am the type of friend that likes her space.  I don’t want, or need, to be involved in my friend’s lives on a daily basis.  All my friends know I am here for them. If they need me, I will drop everything and be there, in body, heart and financial support.

Lately I am feeling overwhelmed by a couple of friends.  They are just too much.  Is there such a thing as “too much” between friends?  Yes, there is!  Or perhaps there is not, and these are not real friends.  Very possible!

They want to be enmeshed into my, and my sister’s life.  When a text is not replied to, then the phone calls start.  Not one or two, but multiple, in succession, to both my sister and I.  When we are available and finally able to answer, there is no emergency.  They don’t let a day go bye without reaching out.

“If you spend your life sparing people’s feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can’t distinguish what should be respected in them.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night & The Last Tycoon

We almost feel like hostages, or worst, like there is no place to hide. And sometimes they invent excuses to just stop by, unannounced. Besides the multiple calls, there are multiple questions. Where were you?  With whom?  With a friend or a date? What are you doing tomorrow? What about next week?

We don’t want to be mean, specially since I know they went through a difficult situation recently. Which, by the way I helped them 100%.  But at this point it seems like it is a choice between our freedom to just be, or hurting them by setting boundaries. 

When put like that, it seems like a no-brainer.  I shall try, and we shall see.

“If you continue to blame other people for “making” you feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are giving them control over your life. Stop blaming other people.” ― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

 

 

Art redone: From oil painting to mosaic in glass

19 Sunday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” ― Albert Einstein

Here is another piece I just finished. I like to use old paintings that I find in stores or tag sales.  It serves two purposes: First, it already has a frame, often it is antique and beautiful.  Second, it gives me a starting point, an inspiration, even though the end result is, oftentimes, much different, as you can see below:

Doing mosaic art is my happy place, and I I love discovering that I do have some creative bone in my body.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

The implied and inferred meaning of a hug

16 Thursday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“I had embraced you…
long before i hugged you.”
― Sanober Khan, A Thousand Flamingos

Mr. Stocks and I continue to text. Unfortunately we often have some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding.  Now, I come to find out, not only my words, but also my actions are being misunderstood.

I thought it was a pleasant hug goodbye, with a potential future.  He thought it was a rejection. 

The texting starts when he is letting me know about his decision about a job offer that he had been considering.

I am not sure what the next chapter will be, but I am proceeding with caution.  I don’t want to hurt him or get hurt, or worst of all, damage the friendship.

I think he is more sensitive than other guys.  Or perhaps more insecure, and more afraid of getting hurt.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” ― John Joseph Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love

Practicing

15 Wednesday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“Tomorrow’s victory is today’s practice.”
― Chris Bradford, The Way of the Warrior

It looks better in person.  Believe me! I always say that, but it is true.  Anyway, how can I find any of my mosaic babies ugly?

I am blaming my phone.  I may invest on a camera to just take pictures of my work. I feel that the colors aren’t true in the pictures.

It is a purple plate that was begging to become something else.  Now it is something else. 

 

 

“I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same. In each, it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one’s being, a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes, in some area, an athlete of God. Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired.” ― Martha Graham

Dinner with Mr. Stocks

12 Sunday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ― Groucho Marx

He offered to pick me up and I agreed.  At 7pm he was standing outside my building. We smiled and hugged. It felt familiar and comfortable. 

He drove a small, vintage, or just old, Porsche. One of those cars that is hard to get in and out of it.  It reminded me of my old vintage Mercedes.  It even smelled the same: a combination of old leather and burning oil.

I asked him to choose the restaurant. He chose a French one called Le Provencal, located in Mamaroneck.  So happens, it is the same restaurant ex took me for my birthday on our second date.

On the way there I told him that and he offered to go someplace else. I wanted to go there anyway and make new memories.

When we got there the restaurant was empty, so we got to choose our table.  He wanted a table in the middle, but I opted for one in a corner.  It felt cozier.  It was the right choice.

The meal: We both had a cocktail made of elderberry.  It was delicious.  We shared an onion and bacon tart as an appetizer.  He had coq au vin with mashed potatoes and asparagus.  I had John Dory fish (who knew there was a fish with that name?) with eggplant caviar and spinach.  I love eggplant, so I was intrigued by the eggplant caviar. It was a major disappointment.  It was a pate of eggplant with tons of cinnamon.  

I didn’t want dessert at the restaurant.  I got a lemon tart with raspberry coulis to take to my sister.

“I got you to look after me, and you got me to look after you, and that’s
why.” ― John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men

The conversation:  There was not a single boring or awkward moment. We talked about everything.  We talked about work, vacations, finances, sports, etc. We had a lot fun. 

We both agreed that we were having fun and that we were the same in person, as we have been in the phone, for all these years.  He said I am exactly what he expected:  confident, intelligent, full of life and above all, happy.  He had my name listed as “Happy Ana” in his phone. 

I expected to have a great time, but it was surprisingly even more fun than I expected.

At one point he asked if we were on a date.  I hesitated, but then said: no.  I reminded him that from the beginning he had mentioned he was not open to romance.  We had become friends, and this, to me, was a dinner with a friend.  He seemed disappointed, but understood. 

He said that he is in a better place as of 6 months ago.  I guess he forgot to mention that to me.  Not that it would make a difference.  He became a friend, and once that happens I am not sure I want to risk a friendship for a potential romance.

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ― Groucho Marx

After dinner:  We decided to take a walk around and look for a place to have dessert.  We went to Milk N Cookies and got some cookies to take home.  Then we stop at a Paleteria and got ice cream on the way to the car.

He drove me home.  He got out and opened the door for me, We hugged good bye.

Later he texted me to say what an amazing time he had.  I said I did too.

“Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.” ― Emily Dickinson

The future:  I have no idea, but I feel I met a great friend in person. We will meet up again, and hopefully it will not take another 5 years 🙂  

Yesterday he sent me a video that he said reminded him of me.  He said I should share it with my sister.  At first I didn’t get it.  My sister thought it was a commentary about the difference in our hair.  Her with the crazy curly dark hair, and me with the lighter, straight hair.

He said it was not about that and explained:

He is not wrong! 🙂

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ― Marianne Williamson

 

The prelude to the Unmasking of Mr. Stock

10 Friday Sep 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Fiction

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Disclaimer: I am writing this post in 2 parts due to lack of time, so please forgive me for that.

“If you wear a mask for too long, there will come a time when you can not remove it without removing your face.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

It is hard to say exactly when I first started speaking to Mr. Stock (that is what I will call him here).  We met on the dating site Plenty of Fish.

At first he said he was not ready to meet anyone and was only there to make friends.  He sounded vague in his messages, but still, I started exchanging messages with him. Perhaps it was because I love making new friends, and also, I felt a certain compassion towards him.  He felt safe and harmless.

I detected some underlining pain. A pain, that according to him, he wasn’t ready to talk about, but that, slowly, revealed bits and pieces of it.  Much later I learned that he was dealing with the long illness and, eventual passing of his wife.  He hinted at also having some social anxieties and not being comfortable in crowds. I am not sure if the anxiety came about from the grief or was already an issue prior to that.

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I am not sure what we talked about at that point.  Perhaps the weather.  I do remember, at times, being annoyed that we would never meet. We are only 30 minutes apart, so I didn’t understand why we couldn’t meet as friends. At times I would stop replying to him, but would give in and reply anytime he reached out.

Eventually I got off of POF, and gave him my number.  We would say hello every couple of months or so. We would have disagreements. I don’t deal well with negativism, and sometimes he was in that mode.  His unwillingness to see the beauty in life annoyed me.  My optimism was too much for him.

Still, we would always check in with each other.  He would talk about meeting every now and then, saying that he was going to try.  But after so many times I just never believed it would happen.  I had made peace with being phone/text friends.

Months, years passed.

One day I asked him a question about stocks, since he is an investor.  He loves talking about stocks.  From that day on, we speak and text more often.  He would often talk about meeting and teaching me about stocks in person.

Every time he would say something about meeting, I would think about The Boy Who Cried Wolf.  I never thought we would meet, and honestly, by now, I didn’t care.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Khalil Gibran

A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned he was on vacation and then texted: “Just make sure we go to dinner while I’m on vacation”

That text infuriated me. I let him know how mad I was.  To me it implied I had control about meeting or not. Also, it implied we had never met before because of work. It also felt that “meeting”, was always a carrot that was being dangled in front of me.  I don’t like carrots!

We talked it out, and he said it was miscommunication and he would try to meet.  In his mind he had decided to meet months ago but had been too busy with work.

Last Saturday at 7pm he asked if I wanted to meet for dinner or something.  First, I was surprised and second, I was annoyed.  After so long, you don’t just ask me out last minute like that.  I said that I was not free, but said I was available the following day. He said he was not sure about the next day because of the Jewish holiday. I said ok, and I meant okay.

On Sunday,  at 11am he wrote to see if I wanted to go out for dinner, drinks or anything else that evening.  I agreed to dinner and asked him to pick a place in my area.

I thought he would cancel it. I was willing to bet that it wouldn’t happen.  I was ready to get the cancelation phone call.

But it did!

to be continued…

“Masquerades disclose the reality of souls. As long as no one sees who we are, we can tell the most intimate details of our life. I sometimes muse over this sketch of a story about a man afflicted by one of those personal tragedies born of extreme shyness who one day, while wearing a mask I don’t know where, told another mask all the most personal, most secret, most unthinkable things that could be told about his tragic and serene life. And since no outward detail would give him away, he having disguised even his voice, and since he didn’t take careful note of whoever had listened to him, he could enjoy the ample sensation of knowing that somewhere in the world there was someone who knew him as not even his closest and finest friend did. When he walked down the street he would ask himself if this person, or that one, or that person over there might not be the one to whom he’d once, wearing a mask, told his most private life. Thus would be born in him a new interest in each person, since each person might be his only, unknown confidant.” ― Fernando Pessoa