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“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

On Thursday B and I were going to a restaurant I like. It was a rainy, cold, dreary day, so in the afternoon I called him and suggested we eat something at his house.

He then asked: What would you like to eat? 

I am eternally confused by simple questions. Give me a life and death decision and I will give you an answer in seconds. Ask me what I want to eat and I can ponder about it for hours. 

No, I didn’t say I wanted pizza.  It is best that we do pizza in the future.  Eventually we settled on him making omelets.   

I got to his house and everything was on the way.  He had bacon going in the oven. The skillet was ready to make the omelets. He was very nervous about making sure that he cooked everything to my taste. 

In under 15 minutes, we were sitting and eating omelets with cheese and spinach, with a side of roasted sweet potatoes and bacon.  Everything was delicious.  

I helped him load the dishwasher, then we then settled on the couch, sipping wine and talking.  We do like each other, and yet I am already predicting the end.  I proceeded to tell him all the roadblocks we will face. 

He interrupted me: “I remember you saying you are trying to be more in the moment.  How about we just take it easy and go one day at a time?”

It should be that simple, shouldn’t it?  But I overthink.  I fear hurting and getting hurt, so I am ready to run before too much energy and feelings are invested. 

But, no worries, not running yet.  I just keep looking for reason to.

“Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!” ― Yvonne Pierre, The Day My Soul Cried: A Memoir

Last night  we decided it would be movie night.  I had a lot to do during the day, so I said I would go over to his house at 8pm and I would bring popcorn.

I got to his house, and I wasn’t feeling well.  I had eaten some leftover potatoes for dinner and they felt so heavy in my stomach that I got to his house and I was feeling so heavy and uncomfortable.  I took alka seltzer, charcoal and seltzer water.  About 1 hour later I was fine and able to eat popcorn.

After flipping through a bunch of movies we settled on something called The Voyeurs. What a strange movie.  It seemed full of potential but then it just turned weird and the ending very far-fetched.  I don’t recommend it.

We had fun, but I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that, once again, I talked about our differences.  He is probably sick of hearing it.  I am sick of discussing it. I am the queen of 1 or 2 dates, more than that and I began to feel imprisoned. 

I am trying to change. I will change it. Doing the same thing, doesn’t promote growth. It just promotes sameness! I am trying to step out, out of the comfort of being single, of being alone.  

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune