Tag Archives: sabotaging relationships

It is just one date, not a lifetime commitment

20 Sunday Mar 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

On Thursday B and I were going to a restaurant I like. It was a rainy, cold, dreary day, so in the afternoon I called him and suggested we eat something at his house.

He then asked: What would you like to eat? 

I am eternally confused by simple questions. Give me a life and death decision and I will give you an answer in seconds. Ask me what I want to eat and I can ponder about it for hours. 

No, I didn’t say I wanted pizza.  It is best that we do pizza in the future.  Eventually we settled on him making omelets.   

I got to his house and everything was on the way.  He had bacon going in the oven. The skillet was ready to make the omelets. He was very nervous about making sure that he cooked everything to my taste. 

In under 15 minutes, we were sitting and eating omelets with cheese and spinach, with a side of roasted sweet potatoes and bacon.  Everything was delicious.  

I helped him load the dishwasher, then we then settled on the couch, sipping wine and talking.  We do like each other, and yet I am already predicting the end.  I proceeded to tell him all the roadblocks we will face. 

He interrupted me: “I remember you saying you are trying to be more in the moment.  How about we just take it easy and go one day at a time?”

It should be that simple, shouldn’t it?  But I overthink.  I fear hurting and getting hurt, so I am ready to run before too much energy and feelings are invested. 

But, no worries, not running yet.  I just keep looking for reason to.

“Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!” ― Yvonne Pierre, The Day My Soul Cried: A Memoir

Last night  we decided it would be movie night.  I had a lot to do during the day, so I said I would go over to his house at 8pm and I would bring popcorn.

I got to his house, and I wasn’t feeling well.  I had eaten some leftover potatoes for dinner and they felt so heavy in my stomach that I got to his house and I was feeling so heavy and uncomfortable.  I took alka seltzer, charcoal and seltzer water.  About 1 hour later I was fine and able to eat popcorn.

After flipping through a bunch of movies we settled on something called The Voyeurs. What a strange movie.  It seemed full of potential but then it just turned weird and the ending very far-fetched.  I don’t recommend it.

We had fun, but I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that, once again, I talked about our differences.  He is probably sick of hearing it.  I am sick of discussing it. I am the queen of 1 or 2 dates, more than that and I began to feel imprisoned. 

I am trying to change. I will change it. Doing the same thing, doesn’t promote growth. It just promotes sameness! I am trying to step out, out of the comfort of being single, of being alone.  

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune

 

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The Ballet and the bitch

13 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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Inside David Koch Theatre

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive.” – Merce Cunningham

My first time at a professional ballet performance was awesome!  The David Koch Theater at Lincoln Center was beautiful. The picture above is of one of the 2 huge sculptures from Elie Nadelman that sits in the promenade of the theater.

I loved the atmosphere! During intermission was a good time to people watch.  There were some people drinking champagne with strawberry while others were eating cookies, sandwiches and cookies.  There was a good variety of snacks for purchase.  Some people were dressed up in dresses and suits, while others were more casual. I wore black trousers with a turtleneck and a black sparkly jacket. I think I was well dressed without being too showy. I only had water ($5.00,including the $1 tip), even though the champagne was tempting, but I don’t like to drink alone.

My date, who is a classical musician was not sitting with me but playing with the orchestra, chose the perfect ballet for me to attend.

There were 3 different ballets, with intermissions after each.

My favorite was the first one called “Glass Pieces”.  The choreography was by Jerome Robbins and the music by Philip Glass.  You can see some of it here: http://www.nycballet.com/Ballets/G/Glass-Pieces.aspx

It was modern, energetic and profound.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the dancers.  The music was just perfect. I felt energized and alive. I felt jolted in a good way.  I would love to see it again.  The beat of the music evoked attention and curiosity, as if something is about to happen or is already happening. I loved loved loved!

The other two pieces were also good but it had more of a taste of a Broadway show.

The second was a romantic ballet called “Thou Swell” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/t/thou-swell.aspx

The third was very patriotic called “Stars and Stripes” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/s/stars-and-stripes.aspx

A funny thing happened when I first arrived at my seat   As soon as I sat down the man next to me sneezed a couple of times.  I said God Bless You.  He, in turn, said: “It is your perfume” .  He said he was allergic to perfume.  I said:  “I am sorry, it must be very hard for you to be out in public and social situations”.  Then he went on to say that people don’t realize how much perfume they have on because they get used to the smell.  He also mentioned he would try to change seats. I wasn’t sure what to think as I don’t think I overuse perfume.   We ended up talking about the other things such as attending the ballet, which he mentioned he goes to every week and he called the performers “my babies”.  He never sneezed again, but after the first intermission he found another seat.   I didn’t let his comments bother me.

My date and I met for a delicious Chinese dinner before the performance.  Afterwards he wanted to go for drinks but it was late and I had to work the next day so I just wanted to get home.  We walked and talked for a few blocks then I took a cab to the train station.

He is an awesome guy.  A true gentleman.  But… there is always a but with me…  I just don’t know what I want.  I fear that I would be bored in the long run.  He is 57, I am 50 going on 25.  He may be too old for me.  I know that it is not nice to say that but it is how I feel.

“Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.” – Steve Maraboli

I also fear that if I keep going on dates with him I will be leading him on.  I mentioned all my doubts to him and he said I shouldn’t worry about leading him on and hurting him.

And so we continue… Last night we went to dinner and a movie.  I am ashamed to say, but I am being a bitch to this guy.  I wine, complain and roll my eyes at everything.  At first I blamed PMS, but by now that excuse no longer fits.  I feel I am testing him to see how much can he put up with.  But he is persistent, nothing seems to faze him. He says he can handle it (me).

Sometimes I think I test men.   Perhaps I want them to leave on their own accord, so that I don’t have to be the one sending them away.

Perhaps still what I like is the challenge and the chase.  I like going after what is impossible to get, the ones that don’t like me.  The moment I have it/him, the moment I get it, then it loses its attraction and I am on to the next thing/person.

Am I unconsciously sabotaging perfectly good relationships in the search of that nonexistent over romanticized fairy-tale?

Being aware is the first step in getting to the bottom of my actions and feelings and correcting them, or just embracing them.

I will be talking about the movie we saw on my next post.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe