Monthly Archives: April 2022

Nothing to be proud of

27 Wednesday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The momentum of the mind can be vexingly, involuntarily capricious.”
― Gregory Maguire, A Lion Among Men

This is a tough post to write.  I didn’t know I could behave as such a bitch.  The night of our second month anniversary I was so moody.

From the moment he picked me up, he couldn’t do anything right.  I had an issue with everything.  I still have not figured it out why I acted in such a way.

I had a problem when:

  • he said that the driver in front of him was too slow and didn’t know how to drive
  • he asked me if he should park in an area that was a mile from the restaurant. (he had no idea where the restaurant was, so he had assumed he was closer)
  • he said that driving in rush hour to a town I mentioned wanting to go at a certain point is crazy
  • he wanted to sit at the bar.  He asked me if the bar was okay, I agreed, but kept thinking he should have remembered I prefer tables.

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but I kept adding things up in my mind.

So I sat there and internally projected and projected. I extrapolated this driving behavior as meaning he doesn’t like going places.   I added the fact that he hates airports and airplanes and I arrived at the conclusion that we are never traveling together. 

For the first hour of the evening he couldn’t stand me.  I couldn’t stand myself. I was closed off, guarded, moody.

I knew what I was doing.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know to change.  I couldn’t make myself relax and enjoy the evening.

I think that I may push people that like me just to know how much they can take.  How much do they really like me? As if they need to prove me anything.

Finally, he had enough and said: let’s go.  We left the restaurant and sat in the car. He turned the car on and I knew that I would probably never see him again if he just drove me home.  At least that is what I feared.  I asked him to turn it off.

I had been irrational this whole evening and I knew it. We sat quiet for a little bit while I talked myself out of breaking up.

“You’re human, and you have to reconcile that with yourself somehow. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to feel everything deeply, to grow and learn.” ― Leesa Cross-Smith, This Close to Okay

Eventually we talked.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  I mentioned the traveling situation.  He said he mentioned he doesn’t like airports and such, but it doesn’t mean that he will never travel. 

I apologized for making the evening miserable.  Eventually we got out of the car and walked to a French restaurant, Encore Bistro Français. We proceeded to talk, laugh and have a fun evening. To which he commented: “Why can it be always like this?”.

I am not proud of that behavior.  It is perhaps fear.  Fear of commitment, fear of losing my independence, fear of getting hurt. Fear of settling for the wrong person. Fear of losing me.

Next time I will mention doubts, and questions, as they happen instead of adding them up and making them seem like real problems. I will also try to police myself so I nip bitchy mood in the bud.

I am vowing to push all those fears out of my mind for now, and just take it a day at a time.  I just need to be quiet enough to listen to my heart.  All this mental chatter about the future is making lose the present.

 

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know but I can’t change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I’m an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
 
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
To see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
 
I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
 
So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won’t mean a thing
 
“The weather and my mood have little connection. I have my foggy and my fine days within me; my prosperity or misfortune has little to do with the matter.” ― Blaise Pascal
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And I talked, and I talked, and then we had Chinese food

25 Monday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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“I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a hell of a lot more if I had been understood.” ― Clarence Darrow

B and I texted back and forth on Thursday.  We still seemed to be getting nowhere in text, and even later in a phone call.  Sometimes I question if he is really understanding me.

We made plans the following day, Friday.  We hoped that in person we could clear the air.

I went over to his house and he ordered Chinese food.  But even before the food arrived, I had to start talking.  He seemed to be content to just sweep everything under the rug and start over.

He got us a glass of wine and we proceeded to talk.  Any conversation is better with alcohol 🙂

I like to talk things out and make sure to squash any problems, and prevent similar ones.  To ignore issues would just postpone another argument down the road. 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ― George Bernard Shaw

We talked a lot about our wants, needs, assumptions and expectations.  Well, I talked a lot.  He mostly listened and apologized. He said he got sad and angry that day.  He said he would try to be understanding of my limited free time now.  He apologized for making that evening end on a sour note.  

Sometimes I don’t know if he is agreeing with me to just make me shut up, or if he is really agreeing with me.  According to my zodiac sign, Aries, I like to pick fights, so I being aware of not prolonging any issues just because I like to debate things. 

For now it seems that we are on the same page but, really, only time will tell.

We agreed to continue to talk things out, and make sure that we are vocal about what we want and need from this relationship.  We agreed we are not mind readers, so we will be clear on our communication. Fingers crossed.

“Sweet, crazy conversations full of half sentences, daydreams and misunderstandings more thrilling than understanding could ever be.” ― Toni Morrison, Beloved

For now, it seems we are back in a good place.  Tonight we will be going out to dinner to celebrate our 2 month anniversary.  I realize the silliness of it, but I decided to celebrate anything I can.

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” – Rumi

 

 

On, Off, or just dimmed?

21 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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While I was in Brazil B and I spoke every night.  We couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I arrived from Brazil on Tuesday morning.  This is a 9 and half hours flight.  All really started on Monday morning getting the covid test, praying for a negative result.  I get anxious imagining the worst.

After getting the negative result,  we finished getting ready and  drove over 4 hours to the airport.  At the airport, doing the checking in, getting a wheelchair for my 87 year old mother, then waiting another 3 hours to board the plane.  The flight left at 9pm and we got to JFK before 6am on Tuesday morning. Then proceed with the wheelchair, and getting through Immigration. 

I was nervous. My mom is a green card holder and she needs to come into the US at least every 6 months. She hasn’t been here in 3 years thanks to covid and health issues.  Still they could have given her a hard time, and my anxiety made me think of the worst: going for additional clearance and perhaps a court date to see a judge. Thankfully the agent was a joy and had no issues.

Then getting a car, getting home, unpacking, getting my mom settled, putting in a full day working from home. To me, the fact that I was at B’s house for dinner on Tuesday at 6pm was a sign that he was important to me.  I even skipped my Tuesday night mosaic studio time for him.  That should tell him something.  But he didn’t see it that way.

But let me back up a bit.  I got to his house and he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Gorgeous flowers!! The picture above doesn’t do them justice.

We had a great time, talking, eating and sipping wine.  All was fine, fun and yummy, until it was time for me to leave.  He acted shocked that I was leaving and not staying with him.  I was shocked that he was shocked.

I have stayed over twice before.  He assumed that after being away for 10 days I would.  Assumptions and expectations will kill a blossoming relationship faster than anything.

He proceeded to tell me how hurt and disappointment he was.  He said he didn’t feel important to me.  I didn’t know where all that was coming from.  I had already explained to him that in April and May I wasn’t going to have much time as I was going to Brazil for 10 days, get mom, she is staying here for 20 days, then I was going to go back to Brazil for another 20 days.

“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart; imagine my heartbeat when you are in this state.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

When I had mentioned that,  he had said that his daughter would be coming from college in May and that, indeed, it would be hard to spend much time together.  We both had agreed that we would make the most and best of it.

What happened? Did he forget about all of that?  Is this covid mental fogginess of mine preventing me from understanding this? Is he right?

He said that I was doing the same thing I did 5 years ago.  Five years ago when we had a few dates, my sister and my best friend had just arrived from Brazil to stay 1 month.  I had mentioned that for one month it would be tough to get together as I wanted to dedicate time to them. 

What he seems to forget is that, now, as well, as back then, I had just barely met him.  This relationship is not even 2 months old now.  It may seem harsh, but my family comes first at this point.  It is not a competition, which he seems to be doing.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

We went from flowers to tears in a matter of hours. My head is still spinning.  I am still confused and thinking that he is creating problems where there are none.

I cried talking to him, more out of frustration, than out of sadness.  It is frustrating that in one minute we are on the same page and all is fine, and the next minute all is upside down. We were even thinking long term, and such plans.

Timing is indeed everything. And for now I am not even sure where we are. Are we on, off or what?  I got home that night and texted him thanking him for dinner and flowers. He replied with good night.

Yesterday, I texted him saying I was confused, and asking him if we are on or off, or what.  He said he was sad and hurt, that he was looking forward to spending time with me and that he didn’t want to be off.  I said I didn’t either.

As I am about to hit Publish on this post he texted me.  I will save that for the next post.

“At times he felt that he had almost rather not be in love with her, for it brought him no peace. What was the use of it, if it was only going to be painful?” ― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

The Uber Ride to feeling young forever

17 Sunday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” ― Franz Kafka

I am in Brazil at the moment. I came to see my family and bring my mom back with me to spend 3 weeks in NY.

I have started multiple posts, but time is even shorter here, so I haven’t been able to finish any, so I am going to attempt to quickly write and post this.  Fingers crossed and forgive any typos.

I want to write about my ride to the airport.  My cousin was going to drive me, but he was going to try to fit me in between a couple of rides that he already had (he is a driver for a car service).  That didn’t work out.

For a moment I considered having B take me. He had offered when he heard I was taking a trip.  But I had said my cousin was going to take me.  I had already asked him for a ride on Monday when I had a colonoscopy. I didn’t want to use him this way again.

So I decided to call an Uber.  My experience with Uber to go to the airport is not the best. Most Ubers don’t want to go to the airport on a Friday, so they normally cancel.

I booked the ride and got the message that Jose would be coming in 12 minutes. I took all my 3 pieces of luggage outside in the front of the building. After 12 minutes I realized that Jose was driving to the back of the building. I called him and asked him to wait.

I had to take all 3 pieces of heavy luggage through the building and parking lot to the back. For the record, that was easier than asking him to drive around. Main Street New Rochelle has been a horror show with construction traffic. 

Finally I get to the car, get my luggage in and get settled in. I always try to make conversation with the driver.  Not everyone is responsive, Jose was.  The ride turned into a very inspiring experience. 

Jose, my driver, was turning 80 years old on that day!! I was in awe of how great he looked for his age, but not only that, I was impressed but his attitude.

We talked about everything, life, well-being, plans for the future, etc. Next year, when he turns 81, he plans to retire, move back to the Dominic Republic and study architecture. Meeting people like this gives me life.

“You are never too old to become younger!” ― Mae West

He talked about how he keeps in such amazing shape, physically, mentally and spiritually.  He shared with me some of his routine:

  • exercises at least 2 hours a day
  • no medication, he treats everything with natural remedies
  • his Bible: Alternative Cures by Bill Gotlieb (see pic at the top)
  • doesn’t watch tv, invests his time in reading and exercise
  • doesn’t stay on the phone chit-chatting with friends, no time for that.  His friends know he is there if they need him. 
  • stops working everyday at 6pm religiously. 
  • chooses gratitude every morning.
  • chooses to be happy no matter what is going on
  • massages – carries a massager with him, and at every opportunity he massages his back, face, feet, etc (see pic at the bottom)
  • adores life

His daughters wanted to pay his rent, but he said if he accepted that, then he would have to accept them meddling into his life.

He drove slow and safe through a very busy Friday rush hour. It was as if his was the only car on the road.  It was the most serene drive to the airport ever. Happy 80th birthday to Jose. May God bless all his days.

Jose and his positive attitude, and every older person that I meet that is full of life and plans, inspires me to live more and fully. The key to getting older but not feeling older it to always continue learning, growing, and looking to become better of body, mind and soul.

I realize that life at 56 is just beginning.

“Be game–take a chance–don’t hide behind veils and veils of discretion… Go forward with what you have to say, expressing things as you see them. You are new evidence, fresh and young. Your work, the spirit of youth, you are the progress of human evolution. If age dulls you it will be time enough then to be ponderous and heavy–or quit. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be young, to continue growing–not to settle and accept.” ― Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

 

Life imitates art or art imitates life

07 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë

I made a mosaic piece of the face of woman a couple of months ago: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2022/02/21/happy-woman-having-an-off-day/

I thought she was lonely, so I made her a boyfriend.  The moment I created a boyfriend for her, I got myself a boyfriend. 

He still needs buttons on his shirt, to match her necklace, but I haven’t found the the perfect ones yet.

Here he is:

“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” –― Jean-Paul Sartre

“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” ― Honoré de Balzac

“Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.” ― John Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men

“being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.” ― Charles Bukowski

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” ― Mother Teresa

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” ― Douglas Coupland, Shampoo Planet

And here they are together. I think they make a lovely couple. 🙂

“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

 

The Pizza Redemption

04 Monday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life

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B and I have already met for dinner several times. Most times we ate in restaurants and a few times at his house.

On Friday we went to Chat Grill in Scarsdale. He loves going there and loves sitting at the bar.  I rather sit at a table, but I am learning that the bar is okay also.  At most other restaurants we sit at a table anyway. I believe this is called compromise 🙂

He offered to make me pizza the next day, and I said yes.  I got to his house at 4pm on Saturday. He was in the kitchen, stretching the dough.  I offered to help and he had me cut the pepperoni. 

He was so careful to try to do everything exactly how I like.  He was going to add more cheese but I can’t have too much cheese, so he cut back on that.  He makes his own red sauce, which is delicious. 

The pizza was ready in no time and it was delicious.  We had it with a spinach salad, and wine to drink.  Before the pizza I had an appetizer of meatballs.  He makes his own meatballs also, and it was equally delicious.

During dinner we spent some time having Alexa plays us some of our favorite songs. We don’t like most of the same music, but it has been fun finding that we have some favorite ones in common.

“When music speaks, everybody understands” ― Paolo Petrocelli

After dinner we cleaned up and then settled in the TV room to watch a movie.  I had started watching a French movie that seemed interesting so we restarted watching it together.  The movie had so much potential, but in the end it was just a confusing mess.  It is  called In the Shadow of Iris.

While watching the movie we had popcorn and wine.  He is a big wine drinker.  That is where he likes to use his sugar calories.  I like wine also, but given a choice I would rather have sugar from chocolate then wine. 

At this moment we are both not dating other people.  There was not a big discussion or anything about that.  We are both in synch about our feelings and want to spend our energies on only one person.    

For the next 2 months we will not be able to see each other much.  I will be going to Brazil this Friday, then I return with my Mom in 2 weeks, then in May I go back to Brazil to take Mom back and will stay there until the end of May. 

It will be a test for the both of us.  Will the absence make the heart grow fonder or will it make us lose interest?  We shall see…

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason