“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”― thich nhat hanh
My communication with The Swiss has been dwindling down. I can see the end near and honestly, I don’t care to stop it from happening. I am actually welcoming it.
In the beginning, even though he arrived in a shining package full of ribbons and bows, I think that deep down inside I had my doubts about him. Still the first few days were amazing.
On the first day we went on that marathon texting, that culminated in some very spicy texting. I would say it was close to sexting sans pictures. I am not crazy to be sending pictures to anyone no matter how hot things get.
I don’t regret the spicy conversations. It was welcomed, and dare I say, needed and appreciated. I would do it again.
He seemed to be too good to be true, and perhaps he is, or he is not, I don’t know. Something about him gives me pause. Still I was excited and curious to meet to see if in person the excitement of the first day would be there.
“Emotions come and go and can’t be controlled so there’s no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”― Nicholas Sparks
We scheduled to meet in NY City, and a couple of days before the date he asked me how I was going to get there. When I mentioned that I was going to take public transportation instead of driving he expressed concern about my possible exposure to COVID.
He said he felt uncomfortable about that. He is concerned that if he gets COVID his son may get it and he will not be able to play sports. Not to get him more nervous but for full disclosure I said that my sister takes the train into the city daily and she lives with me.
I said we should cancel since there is no reason to do it if he is that concerned. He agreed. I was okay with it. Almost indifferent about it. I respect people’s concern about this virus, so I would never hold that against him.
The truth is, he is one of those people that I was very curious to meet on the first day but the curiosity kept dissipating with each day that has gone by. I am no longer curious. It is strange for me to say that, considering how many things we have in common and how much he has going for him.
“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” ― Paul F. Davis
The worldly, smart, funny, spiritual, sexy person that was there on day 1 seemed to have disappeared.
Since the cancelation of the date I think we both became uninterested. I noticed that lately I am doing most of the reaching out and keeping in touch. I stopped, and I will now make sure that I don’t persist on something that is not there and let it go peacefully as it came.
When I questioned myself why I am feeling so indifferent to someone that seemed so amazing and that I was so excited about I realize what I am missing the most in him: care.
This guy can certainly take care of me financially, but that is not what I am talking about. He doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t show an interest in my life. Even when he is the one reaching out, it feels empty and shallow.
“Ask yourself, does this person make me feel good about myself? Do I feel safe, strong and free with this person? Those are the questions you need to ask….You have to be strong to truly be open.”― April Sinclair
He doesn’t inspire in me safety and security. He doesn’t make me feel special and wanted. I feel I wouldn’t be able to trust him with my heart.
Some of the words that I would attribute to him are vapid and flippant. He seems to love himself. Nothing wrong with that. I love myself. But loving himself seems to be the only thing for him. I think it would be a relationship comprised of 3: Him, his ego and I.
We are still communicating, but at this point I am not even sure we are good as friends. I feel I have already learned all that he came to teach me. He showed me that there are plenty of successful accomplished guys out there, so I don’t have to settle for any One. He inspired me to read and listen to the works of Ram Dass again. I had forgot about Ram Dass’s teaching, and his guided meditations have been amazing for me. I feel his job is done.
“One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.”― Gustave Flaubert
For the record, I still don’t have a good read on him, if he is a good person, or perhaps not so good. I implied that he is arrogant and egocentric, but all that are my feelings about him. He hasn’t done or said anything that was bad, mean, or anything like. I am operating under some gut feelings I am having.
I am reading between the lines.
I think I just expected a little more from someone that has gone through so many amazing experiences. I expected the magic and the communication from the first day to be there on the other days also. I expected him to “Be Here Now”, but I think he got lost.
Not everyone, even if they are good people, comes into my life to stay. I need to be okay with that. I need to be okay with letting people go, if the energy is not right. Not everyone has to be my friend. I don’t need to have a good reason to let people go. “Just because” is good enough.
“Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.”― Oscar Wilde