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I am not sure where this cartoon is from but it hit home so I wanted to share.

For the non-Portuguese speakers,  the heart is telling the brain: You are wrong! It is chocolate ice-cream.

Have you noticed that the heart has band-aids on from being hurt before. And the fake ice cream has flies buzzing around to warn us to its true identity.  And still we fall for it.  We ignore our hurts. We dismiss the red flags: oh, those are not flies, they are bees flying around because he is so sweet, we tell ourselves and whoever try to warn us.

How true is that?  I have been guilty of seeing more than what it is very often.  Some people come in such nice shining packages that it takes awhile to get to the rotten core.

“Here too it’s masquerade, I find:
As everywhere, the dance of mind.
I grasped a lovely masked procession,
And caught things from a horror show…
I’d gladly settle for a false impression,
If it would last a little longer, though.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I often don’t see the person I see the potential.

Case in point:  

A.-The Renter . The last I mentioned to you guys was that we were making plans to meet. At the moment I wrote that I was giddy with joy.

Let me remind you of who he is.   He works for a Federal Government Department.  He is single with a daughter in college. He is polite, smart, accomplished, funny, etc.  Prior to COVID he got a big promotion that has him moving from California to NY. 

I was able to confirm all of that has said to me, even the promotion since is a matter of public record.

“There is an optical illusion about every person we meet.”― Ralph Waldo Emerson

We have been exchanging messages and calls for months.  I probably didn’t speak much about him here because I didn’t want to jinx it, but he seemed so perfect for me.

In the beginning we were communicating daily.  He would call me to get my opinion about the apartments that he was looking to rent, neighborhoods in Manhattan, about how much rent to offer, should he buy vs rent, etc.

I felt included in the process.  Meeting him and getting along seemed like a done deal, just a matter of time.  He felt the same way.  For the record he wanted to do video calls, but I had no interest in that in the beginning, so we never did.

Then I noticed a spacing out in calls and texts. The heart, the gut knows.   I asked him about it.  I asked if he had perhaps found someone else to keep him busy.  “You are the only one” he said.   He added that he was very busy with this new position as he has to oversee various teams, give presentations, among other time demanding functions. 

“That’s the whole burden of this novel – the loss of those illusions that give such color to the world that you don’t care whether things are true or false as long as they partake of the magical glory.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

After that conversation things got a tad better but not much.  Then one day he mentioned that he had a trip scheduled to Cabo San Lucas that had been planned many months in advance.  He has a time share there at Solaz, a very expensive resort. He went on and on on how amazing this place is. It would be for November 2 thought the 9th.  

He asked me if I wanted to join him.  

COVID, what COVID? I said yes!  I didn’t even think about it.  I wanted to meet him already, and if that is done in a paradise location even better.

I realize the craziness of it all but I am dying for a vacation, anywhere.  And I would finally meet him and see if we had chemistry.  We seemed to have but he seemed to be shy and reserved so even after months on the phone I couldn’t tell either way.  Our conversations never turned too flirty. I could picture him blushing anytime time I said anything flirty.

Then he went one step ahead and said my sister was welcome to come as there was plenty of room in this suite and perhaps I would feel more comfortable.  I loved that he said that.

“It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.”― Virginia Woolf

The following day, as I am in full vacation planning mood, I realized that my passport is going to expire April 1, 2021.   Some countries and some airlines don’t allow you to fly with less than 6 months left on the passport. After I Googled like crazy, I decided to chance it because there is no way I would get my passport back in time if I sent it to be renewed.

Next was the airline ticket.  I fly Delta whenever possible, especially in this case because I was afraid of the passport issue I wanted to make sure to fly Delta.  There was no direct flight and prices were going up rapidly.  I needed to coordinate with him to make sure timing to get, etc.

“A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.” ― Saul Bellow

I sent him a message to let me know when he was free to speak. He ignored it.  That is also after ignoring a text I sent the day before mentioning my sister couldn’t go.  Later I opened Match and he is there.  For the record, I don’t have a problem with him being on the app, I have a problem with him having the time to be there and ignoring my text.  I sent him a message there.  He gave me some bs that he would call me the next day because his phone was dead and the iPad was not that great.  I said ok.

The next day I woke up conflicted.  I so wanted to believe in all I thought he could be. I wanted to hold on to the potential. I wanted him to be chocolate ice-cream.  I asked God, the Universe, the Light, my heart, to send me a sign, anything. 

What do I do? Do I go or do I pass this up?  I knew I was going to need an answer by the time I talked to him.  That is, if he called… 

“Again I see you, But me I don’t see!, The magical mirror in which I saw myself has been broken, And only a piece of me I see in each fatal fragment – Only a piece of you and me!…” ― Fernando Pessoa

To be continued on the next post…