accepting and moving on, dating lessons, dating misfortunes, dating the undateable, endless dates, here I go again, match, online dating, plenty of fish, the player, trying again and again
“Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Shannon L. Adler
My number one complaint from all my first dates is the lack of chemistry. I have been lucky that, overall, I meet good guys, but if there are no sparks, then there is no future.
There are now two guys:
The School Counselor. We have been texting and emailing for a couple of months, but I wouldn’t agree to meet while my mother was here. Since my mother left we have gone on 2 dates.
We always have so much fun online and in person. We make each other laugh. The first date was a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant near my home. On the second date we went to the movies. I can see having a friendship even if romance doesn’t blossom.
At the end of the date when he dropped me off at my apartment we kissed. While it didn’t rock my world, I thought: I can work with this! It was a good kiss. I excited to feel the potential here.
We continue to text and I am sure the 3rd date is probably towards the end of the week.
In the meantime this other guy reaches out.
The Hospital Pharmacist. We had started talking awhile back but we had cooled things off because he declared that we live too far (1 hour) and also because he doesn’t like traveling and I eventually want to see the world. Not deal-breakers for me but apparently they are for him.
He emailed me the other day and said he couldn’t get me out of his mind and asked me if we could be friends. I agreed. I don’t have enough friends, so I always welcome new friendships.
We started exchanging emails and texts often. I never give my phone number out until I have a date scheduled or until after I meet, but in the case of these 2 guys I did. I guess the potential in it made me relax a bit my rules.
The conversation was easy, fun and the chemistry could be felt through the phone line. He seemed to be as open and honest as I am.
On Monday he canceled a date he had with somebody else and he came to meet me because he said he could not wait any longer. The sparks flew immediately. The chemistry was undeniable. We kissed within 1 hour of sitting at the restaurant. It was like we had known each other for ages.
At the end of the night he walked me to my door and kissed me again and if I was not such a good girl I would have invited him in. But I am, so I didn’t! 🙂
We will be seeing each other on Christmas Day for dinner and we will also spend New Year Eve together.
So at this point, even though this is just the beginning, I am thinking: I can’t juggle men. I will have to choose one.
and then it all changed:
“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.” – Bernard Branson
The School Counselor. He was silent for a couple of days so I got worried (he had been getting in touch every day for multiple times a day). I texted him and he replied: “It’s about time you reached out”.
I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he wanted to see if I was interested and would contact him. That is an immediate turn off for me and I told him that.
I told him the he knows that I am interested as I had already told him. (I don’t expect men to read my mind, and I don’t play games, if I like someone I tell them that) Then he said he didn’t mind chasing but not a lot. Chasing? Since when asking a girl on a date is chasing?
“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” – Socrates
By now I am completely turned off. I am not interested in games or little boys. I am interested in a man that know what he wants and go after it. Playing these types of games is just dumb. I am not 15. I don’t have time or use for that. And that was the end of that. I don’t expect to hear from him, and I don’t want to.
If you like someone why play hard to get and give some other guy a chance to get to her first?
I am saddened only about the fact that we can’t be friends as we were even talking about dance lessons.
“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.” – Osho
The Hospital Pharmacist. The next morning following the date he texted to say he couldn’t wait to see me again, and how amazing we were together. Then almost immediately he said that we are not going to work out because he can’t go to Brazil twice a year. I said I would expect my partner would want to come at least once to meet my family but I never expect anyone to go every single time I went.
Then we spent the rest of day exchanging sweet texts. The next morning he texts good morning and immediately proceeds to tell me that he is in a funk. That he is confused about us. He thinks we are going too fast. That we shouldn’t see each other on Christmas Day.
I detected a pattern here and was trying to be extra calm and patient. I told him not to stress himself out. I pointed out that there was nothing going on. We had one date and a couple of kisses. I said we can go slow as you please.
Later on he said that we were still on for New Years Eve but that we shouldn’t go out but stay in my apartment, as people in the clubs were crazy on that night. That was a bit presumptuous of him to assume that I would have him over to my apartment on the second date, but I didn’t say that to him as I could tell we would never get that far anyway. What I did said to him was that that was the opposite of going slow.
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” – Paulo Coelho
He continued on alternating between wanting to see me and being stressed over it. Of course by now I am losing interest and I am even scared as the word “bipolar” springs to mind.
Almost as if reading my mind he says: You are right, I am acting bipolar. Again I mentioned that there is no need to stress and that he should set that pace. He says we should set the pace together and that annoyed me because it has been all about him and what he is comfortable with.
At this point I sad: make up your mind. That is when he pressed me if I wanted to see him New Years Eve. By then I had had enough and I said no. I said: You don’t know what you want, make up your mind, stop the games and let me know what you decide.
He got upset I said he is playing games and pretty much said goodbye. He said he is not a man that play games. Could have fooled me!
“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”- Pema Chodron
I could have easily played nice and continued seeing those 2 guys. But why? I am not about to convince a guy to see me when he seems to be want to be talked into a relationship. I am not about to keep my mouth shut when I think that someone is incorrect and is not treating me fairly.
Lessons and blessings come to mind:
First I need to thank God for showing me people’s true colors before much heart, time and energy is spent.
Second, the realization that men play as much games as women, if not more is both frightening and eye opening. The male species is not as upfront as I once thought.
Third, people are fickle. Even when I think I know them, I really don’t. It is easy to forget that when things click, and the hormones are bubbling up with so much chemistry. Some love you today and hate you tomorrow with no rhyme or reason.
Fourth, don’t take people’s actions, confusions, and indecisions personally. I am good enough, I am perfect! The right person will see it, the wrong ones will be confused.
Last, I congratulate myself on protecting my heart and my body. Bringing someone in my life and my apartment is my choice. People can assume what they want. I laugh a lot, I joke a lot, I flirt a lot, but that does not mean that the door is open to just anyone.
“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi