Tag Archives: match

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle

another day in online dating paradise

07 Tuesday Jul 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.”― Euripides

The date that was canceled on June 26, was going to happen on July 3rd.  Key word: was.  I wanted to keep an open mind and give the guy a chance but in the end my instincts were right.  He was not worth the energy.

On the day we were supposed to meet he said he wanted to bring his guitar and serenade me in my apartment after dinner.  He is a part time wedding singer.  When I said that the idea was nice and we could do it in the future he became a whiny 3 year old going on and on on why we couldn’t do it that night and how he was such a good guy.  

Good guys wait, and don’t force situations or get annoyed when they hear a no.

He said I was very distrustful. I said it was not a matter of trust since I don’t even know him. It is a matter of safety.  In the end I stopped trying to explain my view and just said:  “You don’t have to understand, you have to respect how I feel.  Since you can’t, let’s forget about it.”

He called a couple more times trying to convince me to go through with the date and with the guitar playing.  Too late, I was done.  Trying to convince me of something when my mind is already made up just makes me more annoyed.

In the end I just didn’t answer the phone anymore.

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

On Saturday I finally went on my first date since I have been back on Match.  While this person didn’t really give me a lot of hope I thought he would be a nice guy and we would have a nice time.

I did have a nice time because I can make the best of almost anything.  He was kind and came bearing gifts: Hot sauce and dark chocolate.  He owns a food distributor.

He was shorter, fatter and older than it was on his profile.  Nothing wrong with short, fat and old.  I just have a problem with false advertisement.  He was also more unavailable than I expected.  This one is my fault.  When I looked at his profile again it did say he was separated.  I missed that.  But even if I had seen that, I never expect someone to be living in the basement of the family home for the past 12 years while fighting over the house.  

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” – Albert Einstein

He has been waiting 12 years for his wife to decide what she wants. Among all that he mentioned, he said he doesn’t own a TV because the wife doesn’t want a TV in the house.   No matter how handsome, tall, young, slim and awesome someone is, there is no way that I can respect  or be with that complacent and spineless. 

Even though I mostly felt sorry for him, I also got a bit annoyed that he expect women to be okay with that situation.  He said that the women of Match have a lot of expectations regarding relationships. 

I said that I could only speak for myself and my only expectation was that someone looked like his pictures and was available to be in a relationship.   At which point he went back to telling me that he has been available for over 12 years and that he will force the wife to sell the house… I don’t think that even he was buying that.

My advice to him, he didn’t ask but I volunteered, was: “get your life untangled first before you add another person to that dynamic.”

 He said that the right woman will understand.  I am not her! After dinner I wished him luck and we parted as friends.

I also said to him to forget about the house and embrace freedom.  At this point he went back to talking about the grand plans he has for his business.  It seems he will continue fooling himself.

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’

If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
― Sam Keen

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From feast to famine in 48 hours

24 Saturday Dec 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Shannon L. Adler

My number one complaint from all my first dates is the lack of chemistry.  I have been lucky that, overall,  I meet good guys, but if there are no sparks, then there is no future.

There are now two guys:

The School Counselor.  We have been texting  and emailing for a couple of months, but I wouldn’t agree to meet while my mother was here.  Since my mother left we have gone on 2 dates.

We always have so much fun online and in person.  We make each other laugh.  The first date was a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant near my home.   On the second date we went to the movies.  I can see having a friendship even if romance doesn’t blossom.

At the end of the date when he dropped me off at my apartment we kissed.  While it didn’t rock my world, I thought: I can work with this!  It was a good kiss.  I excited to feel the potential here.

We continue to text and I am sure the 3rd date is probably towards the end of the week.

In the meantime this other guy reaches out.

The Hospital Pharmacist.  We had started talking awhile back but we had cooled things off because he declared that we live too far (1 hour) and also because he doesn’t like traveling and I eventually want to see the world.  Not deal-breakers for me but apparently they are for him.

He emailed me the other day and said he couldn’t get me out of his mind and asked me if we could be friends.  I agreed.   I don’t have enough friends, so I always welcome new friendships.

We started exchanging emails and texts often.  I never give my phone number out until I have a date scheduled or until after I meet, but in the case of these 2 guys I did.  I guess the potential in it made me relax a bit my rules.

The conversation was easy, fun and the chemistry could be felt through the phone line.  He seemed to be as open and honest as I am.

On Monday he canceled a date he had with somebody else and he came to meet me because he said he could not wait any longer.  The sparks flew immediately.  The chemistry was undeniable.  We kissed within 1 hour of sitting at the restaurant. It was like we had known each other for ages.

At the end of the night he walked me to my door and kissed me again and if I was not such a good girl I would have invited him in. But I am, so I didn’t! 🙂

We will be seeing each other on Christmas Day for dinner and we will also spend New Year Eve together.

So at this point, even though this is just the beginning,  I am thinking: I can’t juggle men.  I will have to choose one.

and then it all changed:

“Rejection is an opportunity for your selection.”  – Bernard Branson

The School Counselor.  He was silent for a couple of days so I got worried (he had been getting in touch every day for multiple times a day).  I texted him and he replied: “It’s about time you reached out”.

I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he wanted to see if I was interested and would contact him.  That is an immediate turn off for me and I told him that.

I told him the he knows that I am interested as I had already told him.  (I don’t expect men to read my mind, and I don’t play games, if I like someone I tell them that)  Then he said he didn’t mind chasing but not a lot.  Chasing?  Since when asking a girl on a date is chasing?

“Let him who would move the world first move himself.” – Socrates

By now I am completely turned off.  I am not interested in games or little boys.   I am interested in a man that know what he wants and go after it.  Playing these types of games is just dumb. I am not 15.  I don’t have time or use for that.   And that was the end of that.  I don’t expect to hear from him, and I don’t want to.

If you like someone why play hard to get and give some other guy a chance to get to her first?

I am saddened only about the fact that we can’t be friends as we were even talking about dance lessons.

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.” – Osho

The Hospital Pharmacist.  The next morning following the date he texted to say he couldn’t wait to see me again, and how amazing we were together.  Then almost immediately he said that we are not going to work out because he can’t go to Brazil twice a year.   I said I would expect my partner would want to come at least once to meet my family but I never expect anyone to go every single time I went.

Then we spent the rest of day exchanging sweet texts.  The next morning he texts good morning and immediately proceeds to tell me that he is in a funk.  That he is confused about us.  He thinks we are going too fast.  That we shouldn’t see each other on Christmas Day.

I detected a pattern here and was trying to be extra calm and patient.  I told him not to stress himself out.  I pointed out that there was nothing going on.  We had one date and a couple of kisses.   I said we can go slow as you please.

Later on he said that we were still on for New Years Eve but that we shouldn’t go out but stay in my apartment, as people in the clubs were crazy on that night.  That was a bit presumptuous of him to assume that I would have him over to my apartment on the second date, but I didn’t say that to him as I could tell we would never get that far anyway.  What I did said to him was that that was the opposite of going slow.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” – Paulo Coelho

He continued on alternating between wanting to see me and being stressed over it.  Of course by now I am losing interest and I am even scared as the word “bipolar” springs to mind.

Almost as if reading my mind he says:  You are right, I am acting bipolar. Again I mentioned that there is no need to stress and that he should set that pace.  He says we should set the pace together and that annoyed me because it has been all about him and what he is comfortable with.

At this point I sad: make up your mind.  That is when he pressed me if I wanted to see him New Years Eve.  By then I had had enough and I said no.   I said: You don’t know what you want, make up your mind, stop the games and let me know what you decide.

He got upset I said he is playing games and pretty much said goodbye.  He said he is not a man that play games.  Could have fooled me!

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”- Pema Chodron

***

I could have easily played nice and continued seeing those 2 guys.   But why?  I am not about to convince a guy to see me when he seems to be want to be talked into a relationship.  I am not about to keep my mouth shut when I think that someone is incorrect and is not treating me fairly.

Lessons and blessings come to mind:

First I need to thank God for showing me people’s true colors before much heart, time and energy is spent.

Second, the realization that men play as much games as women, if not more is both frightening and eye opening.  The male species is not as upfront as I once thought.

Third, people are fickle.  Even when I think I know them, I really don’t.  It is easy to forget that when things click, and the hormones are bubbling up with so much chemistry.  Some love you today and hate you tomorrow with no rhyme or reason.

Fourth, don’t take people’s actions, confusions, and indecisions personally.  I am good enough, I am perfect!  The right person will see it, the wrong ones will be confused.

Last, I congratulate myself on protecting my heart and my body.  Bringing someone in my life and my apartment is my choice.  People can assume what they want.  I laugh a lot, I joke a lot, I flirt a lot, but that does not mean that the door is open to just anyone.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Counting the days until I am free from e-harmony!

26 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

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I joined e-Harmony about 5 months ago. When I joined I didn’t have grand illusions of finding “the One”. I simply wanted to go on dates every now and then. I guess my real hope was that the attention of men would keep my mind off of Ex.

From the beginning e-Harmony was a letdown. In the second month I wrote about it: http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/14/so-far-e-harmony-sucks/

From there things just gotten worst!

I am glad that my sentence, I mean subscription, is coming to an end at the end of the month. I am tired of feeling rejected by people that I don’t even know and that don’t even know me.   I think that there is something very wrong with e-Harmony.  I don’t know what the problem is, but there has to be an explanation for the lack of responses I have received.  And I know, I know that some of you know at least one couple that met through e-Harmony, still I think that the number of happy couples is probably very low when compared with the number of total members they have.

I have an honest profile (describing exactly who I am and what I want) and honest pictures (nothing professional, but pictures showing what I love to do, skiing, at the US Open, on vacation). What I want in a man? Honesty is the number one requirement. I want a man that likes himself, likes to travel, has a good heart, has a sense of humor. I appreciate a man that loves his family, likes animals and is curious about the world. It would be nice if he likes sports – both watching and playing. I want a man that is spiritual and believes in God.  I want a man that looks to improve himself, physically and mentally.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  At any rate, I am only asking for what I am willing to offer.

I have had a grand total of 1 date! Yes only 1! I know it is quality and not quantity that I should be after but only 1 in 5 months sounds a bit ridiculous. I must say that that one date was terrific even though there was no love connection. I wrote about it here:  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/ I am even going to visit him in a couple of weeks. So I should count myself lucky for having made a friend.  But honestly I signed up to get dates.

The last couple of months I wasn’t even checking e-harmony anymore. I just have been waiting for my subscription to be over, so that I stop feeling like I am paying to be rejected.

But to make sure that I had given it my 100% effort, 2 weeks ago I made a point of sending every single match that they sent me an ice-breaker saying: “I would love to chat”. I sent it to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone!! I wanted to test it.  I figure that if I didn’t wait to be contacted and reached out to everyone I would at least get some responses.  I expected that out of the 30/40 men a few would reply and I would know, at least, that there are some live matches and would be able to at least think that e-harmony was doing their job.

So after 2 weeks guess how many responses I received. NONE!.  No kidding, not a single one! I don’t know about you, but I find that incredible!  To me that means something is horribly wrong with their site or matching system. They are probably matching me with people who are no longer registered in the service and therefore no longer receiving ice-breakers (they keep the profile of non-members up).  Also, I specified I wanted people closer to me and they give me matches from places as far as Singapore and Australia, to name a few.

No matter what the reason is, it was just a confirmation that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I don’t even want to ask for my money back. I believe they did me a favor.  Ultimately it was a blessing not to be bombarded with e-mails and engage in relationships right after the break-up. The time alone has been intensely rewarding and necessary.  From starting my blog to tennis lessons, from reaching out to old friends to making new ones, I am busy and happy!

I believe that trying to take shortcuts after a breakup eventually backfires.  I was trying to immediately replace Ex.  I failed to realize that a relationship that lasted 3 years, and that for the most part was amazing deserved my respect.  I had to spend time feeling the pain fully, mourning the end of a dream and going through all of the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) . I was trying to skip steps, trying to run before I can even walk, and in the end that would  have caused more heartaches.

What next? Match.com? Plenty of Fish? No more online dating for me! At least not for now – I do reserve the right to change my mind.  As far as e-harmony I will not change my mind, I am never doing that again!

For now I am staying put just going about my day and pursuing my interests.  I am making a point of being fully present in the moment, loving and living each moment to the best of my ability.

I am working on myself, mind, spirit and body and being the best that I can.  I do have my eyes, heart and mind open and when that lucky guy comes around (and perhaps he is already here) I will be more ready, better able and ever willing!

So officially on August 1 I am free from e-harmony! So, goodbye it has not been fun!