Tag Archives: looking for love

Valentine’s Day 2020: Celebrating having someone to kiss

14 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Loving is not infinite, infinite is the capacity to love”– Vinicius de Moraes

Last year today, February 14, I wrote the following post:
https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2018/02/14/wanting-a-boyfriend-on-this-valentines-day/

In the post I talked about being single and happy but still yearning for a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day.

This year I have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and I am over the moon about it. If I didn’t have one, life would still be beautiful and I would still be happy. But I do, so excuse me while I get up and do a happy dance.

I know I sound like a lovey-dovey teenager.  Instead of toning it down I am embracing it and putting it on full blast.  I don’t meet a lot guys that makes me weak in the knees.  This one does so I will enjoy it.  And I suspect that I have the same effect on him.

“I am looking for someone, not to find myself but to lose myself.” – Vinicius de Moraes

I want to be in love. I want to be part of a couple. In no way that means I am desperate or willing to settle. It just means that I am willing to search for it.  I am willing to be vulnerable and take chances.  I am willing to get hurt again. And again, and again…

This Valentine’s Day I am choosing to celebrate life and love! The beginnings of a love affair, the feeling of wanting and being wanted, the passion, the longing, the missing and the meeting.

If this lust will become love, if it will grow and blossom it remains to be seen. For now I will put all my heart into it.  I will give it attention and care. I will do my part.

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” – Thomas Merton

I always found it stupid to celebrate monthly anything, and here I am celebrating that 2 days ago on February 12 it was our 1-month anniversary.  I am choosing to celebrate months, and days, and minutes. I am choosing to celebrate the now. Life is fleeting, love is not a guarantee, but happiness is a choice that I make daily.  Life are the little moments.

On Monday night he said he had a crazy idea. I braced myself and asked what is it? He said: “How about I pick you up after my shift on Friday night? You can come and spend the weekend with me.  We can go out on Saturday night for Valentine’s Day.”  He mentioned places he wants to show me and foods he wants to cook for me. He also mentioned a Winter Festival that will be happening this weekend in his town.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.” ― Thomas Merton

I no longer impose on people my expectations. I no longer expect them to be me or act like I would act. Now I am free to see them for who they are.  I let them surprise me instead of always expecting and then being disappointed.

If something is very important to me I will bring it up otherwise I let things flow.

What was before expectations that always led to disappointment are now happy surprises.

  • When he opens the car door, I feel like a lady
  • When he mentions buying me slippers and a bathrobe so I will have them when I sleepover,  I feel cared for
  • When he makes plans for us, I feel special
  • When he goes out of his way for me, I feel loved
  • When he just sent a Happy Valentines text with flowers emojis, my heart sings

Nothing is expected!  Nothing is taken for granted!

Today on this Valentine’s Day 2020 my wish for you is for you to be fully present in your life.  Celebrate life with no expectations and only gratitude in your heart.  Do what makes you happy. Get up and dance.  Smile!

 “Cry, scream, love … Say it was worth it, that it hurt, that from now on it will only get better … Forgive, insist, love again … Don’t take life too seriously … Uncomplicate … Break rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly … Really love , laugh wildly and never regret anything that made you smile …”- Vinicius de Moraes 

 

All I want for Christmas is a lustful love affair!!

21 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I will be waiting here….
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake!”
― Rumi 

I went on a second date with the 34 year old accountant.  It was not really a second date, it was more like a friendly meeting.  I had already mentioned to him that this would be just friendship.  We did kiss on the first date and there were some sparks but I thought the age difference would be too much for this to develop into something meaningful.

I met him in the lobby of the building he works at.  From there we walked to 42nd street to take the subway to 74th street to go to the bakery.  It was rush hour and the trains were packed.  I am so glad that I don’t have to take the subway every day.  I take the Metro North train which, even though crowded,  is much more civilized than the subway at rush hour.

“Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.” – Rumi

We got out of the subway and walked a few blocks to Levain bakery.  I got cookies for me and my co-worker.  It was a tiny space and there was a line.  The smell in there was heavenly.  The workers were all happy and smiley.  I didn’t eat any right then and there because we were going to have dinner first.  I was craving a burger for the longest time and wanted a Shake Shack Smoke Shack first.  Luckily there was one a few blocks away.

The burger was delicious, specially since I hadn’t had one in awhile.  M is a really nice guy.  The conversation just flowed.  He tried convincing me to date him but he was not pushy and accepted friendship.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” – Rumi

After the burger he asked if I wanted to see his apartment.  Normally that would probably be an invitation to make out but in this case I knew I would be safe from making out and from being attacked. I knew enough of his personal information and had spoken to him enough to know that it would be fine.   He just moved in and wanted to show off his apartment.

I don’t recommend anyone going to anyone’s house on a second date or 3rd or 4th if they don’t know the person well.  Everyone please be safe out there!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” – Rumi

He lives on the Upper East side.  It is a small apartment but it is in an awesome location, great building, has great closet space, including a walk-in,  and a balcony with a good view.  I told him that he needs to clean and organize better.  That was not nice of me, but I figure it is a good tip if want to bring girls home.  He has just moved in so I am sure eventually it will be better.

After he showed me the apartment, we sat on the couch and talked for little while. Then he walked me outside where I got into a cab.  There was a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye.  I have so much respect for him not trying to kiss me while in his apartment. I think I did expect him to try and me to say no, so I was so happy that he did listen to me and didn’t try changing my mind.  Since then we have been texting and will probably hang out together when he returns from vacation in Florida.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” – Rumi

Somewhere between getting cookies and getting into a cab to go home I realized I am being a hypocrite.  I told him (and you guys) that the reason I was not going to date him it was the age difference.  The truth is that if there was enough chemistry I probably would embark on a relationship with him even with the age difference.  Even knowing that I would probably get hurt in the end.  There goes the virtuous person I thought I was.

Perhaps is the hormones speaking or perhaps is having AL in my mind.   A girl has needs and it has been way too long… and getting longer.

Since  AL popped up in my mind accidentally I can’t help thinking about the amazing times we had together, in and out of bed. I want those feelings and excitement back.

“Words are a pretext. It is the inner bond that draws one person to another, not words.” – Rumi

The other day I contemplated reaching out to him.

I didn’t! I am not even sure what I wanted to accomplish.  That would have been a colossal mistake.  He is married, and I am sure our chemistry didn’t miraculously disappear. I do miss the friendship that we had after breaking up.  Even though it was laced with flirting. If we tried reconnecting it would probably revert back to flirting in no time.  Flirting can always lead to something more.

On this one point I am not confused or hypocritical about: a married man is someone I am not interested in getting involved romantically with.

I don’t like how things ended between AL and I but I realize that we would probably never be able to have just a friendship.  There was too much chemistry.  I also cannot say that he really hurt me as I really never gave him my heart to hurt.   I guess I was mostly disappointed.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”- Rumi

Someone on a dating site the other day asked me what I am looking for.  I normally say that I am looking for companionship.  I want to find someone to have a committed relationship with.  Now I don’t know what I want anymore.

I am getting to the point that I don’t believe in everlasting anything.  I WANT PASSION!  Young or old, I want passion.  I want positive energy, a zest for life, I want adventure and not cold tired complacency.  This has nothing to do with age, but a willingness to live!

Perhaps is my way of really not committing to anyone.  I keep always having hurdles for people to jump over.  When I meet someone either just online or in person I look for the problems first.  I always think how this person will not fit in my life and it is not good for me.  In a way I am not giving anyone a real chance. Of course, the rare time I am willing to give them a chance I don’t hear back from them.  Chances are that if I heard back from them I would find a reason to dismiss them.

“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.” – Rumi

Today is a day that I feel like taking risks.  I would risk pain to just feel alive.  I guess today is a lustful day!  It is a Rumi kind of day.  A day that makes you want to dance with the possibilities.  A day that welcomes pain as part of the path to pleasure.

Something needs to be said about passion, about giving yourself to someone  no matter the circumstances.  I look for the fairy-tale, for my soul mate but I will take the torrid love affair in the mean time.  They make you feel like dancing.  They make you feel alive.  They twist your bed sheets and your brain.  They make you think unmentionables.  They make you leap and fly.

If you are confused by this post, sorry so am I!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” – Rumi

IS IT ME, HIM OR PMS?

22 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Kahlil Gibran

The last couple of months I haven’t dated as I have had no time.  Now I am online again.

This one guy asked me out after we had only exchanged a couple of messages.  I am okay with that as I don’t need to exchange countless emails and rather meet in person anyway.

It felt weird from the beginning as it felt more like a business exchange.  We didn’t really do any chatting other than schedule to meet, but he seemed nice.

But, as it often happens with my dealings online, there was some miscommunication, things took an awkward turn and I decided not to meet him.   I just have no patience for anything lately, especially what appears to be a needy insecure man that missed a big chance of keeping his mouth shut (or in this case, his fingers from typing)

and then there is PMS raging on, which makes everything take an inflated dimension.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Well, judge for yourself, here is the conversation:

5/19/2015 6:18:52 PMHE: Are you free tonight. I can meet you somewhere if you are free
5/19/2015 6:32:00 PMME:  sorry, I am busy with a couple of things until Thursday. I am free after that.

 

 5/19/2015 6:34:52 PMHE: Okay maybe during the weekend or Monday. Do you work on memorial day?
5/19/2015 6:40:05 PMME: Sounds good! I am off 🙂

 

5/19/2015 6:47:45 PM
HE: So I can come to the new Rochelle area and go for a drink or something to eat
5/20/2015 7:31:45 AMME: That is awesome if you can come my way! 🙂

 

5/20/2015 7:34:33 AM
HE: Sure no problem
5/20/2015 8:40:02 AMME: Now all we need to do is choose a date 🙂

 

5/20/2015 9:00:01 AM
HE: Yes we do. Let me know.
5/20/2015 9:11:41 AMME: I thought you were going to let me know ?

 

5/20/2015 11:13:18 AM
HE: Okay no problem. I will let you know when and where
5/20/2015 11:32:03 AMME: ok 🙂

 

 5/20/2015 9:41:30 PMHE: Patrias tapas bar in new Rochelle at 1 pm on Saturday
5/21/2015 8:18:12 AMME: Sounds good, but I have to confirm it later when I hear from a windows installer. He is coming Saturday but I am not sure what time. I will let you know if 1pm works the moment I hear back from him.
Have a great Thursday!

 

 5/21/2015 8:20:09 AMHE: Have a great day
5/22/2015 12:01:16 AM
HE:  Hello A. ,
How are you. Can you let me know by tomorrow if we are going to meet up on Saturday. thank you.

 

5/22/2015 6:44:58 AMME: Good morning
I am sorry I have been holding you up.
I sent the curtain guy another message and I will call him when I get to the office.
But please don’t let me hold you up any longer. If you need to plan your weekend go ahead and make other plans.
We will play by ear when I know my timing.
Have a great Friday!

 

5/22/2015 6:49:36 AM
HE: I usually do not make any plans because I am a spontaneous person . okay let me know. I am flexible person.
5/22/2015 7:10:23 AM
HE: You don’t seem to enthusiastic to see me. I think what you should have told me is on your note instead of me making alternative plans was I definitely want to see you this weekend and if possibly there is a conflict with the contractor we will make an alternative time and/or day. That’s what I would have said to you if I had the same situation.

 

5/22/2015 8:32:52 AMME: what??? I am so confused.
You cannot expect people to act like you would act. For starters you have no idea all I am going through at the moment and all I was juggling to try to see you at 1 tomorrow.
5/22/2015 8:39:28 AM
HE: Okay I appreciate that.

 

5/22/2015 8:42:38 AMME: Clearly this would never work. It is very disappointing.
Wishing you the best of luck anyway.
 5/22/2015 8:49:52 AMHE: Why? I said okay. I don’t have an issue. You are too sensitive. You have to calm down. You need to smell the roses. Whether its me or someone else if you react like that you will have a hard time not only beginning a relationship but making it last. All you will be doing is dating and nothing more. You need to work on your bad reactions.

 

 5/22/2015 8:54:38 AMME: thank you so much for you advice!
5/22/2015 8:59:29 AMHE: You can thank me but you should review your notes and reactions. This is for your own good because I would never do that to anyone the way you reacted.

 

5/22/2015 9:04:04 AMME: again I thank you very much.
Next time I will act overly enthusiastic to meet someone,
I will be clingy and needy and act all desperate.
because making a date and offering to make alternate plans is not good enough!!
I am looking for simple and easy, not pressure and paranoia
5/22/2015 9:10:15 AM
HE: Well I am simple person and relaxed. Your immediate reaction not to meet anymore is not good .

 “We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

This is the time he is supposed to be trying to be nice to me and captivate me and not tell me how to act/react. His pick-up game needs work.

I know that sometimes I can be too reactive and over-react.  I constantly try to work on that (I know I have to try harder) Did I over-react in this case? Am I being defensive or just too sensitive (as he pointed out)?  Looking back I was a bit sarcastic and passive-aggressive.

But why do I have to show enthusiasm about meeting him after we only exchanging a couple of messages?

I felt pressured. Not a feeling you want going on a date.  I don’t think any good can come out of continuing to exchange messages with him and meeting him.

I just lacked the energy, time and inclination to deal with people that need that much attention this early in the game.

I try not to miss the lesson, but in this case I don’t even know what the lesson is 😦

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

***

I did have a date last night with a nice gentleman and I am not sure how I feel about him.  I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?).  Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again.  He emailed me this morning to ask me about seeing me again.  I am not sure what to reply.  He lives far and I don’t like to drive. 🙂

***

On another front I am so excited to have my new blinds installed tomorrow.  They are expensive but they are thermal blackout, so they should help me save me money in the winter (my building was poorly constructed and the insulation is barely existent).  I was debating if I would try ordering and installing them myself but decided against it (where is a man when you need one?)   I had them made for the living room only.  The bedrooms will just have curtains for now.  One battle at a time!

Do I look for love or do I let it find me?

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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This is the question that I have been pondering over lately.

Do I active seek love or just go about my business and let it find me?

And when I say “love” I mean soul mate, my partner for life, I don’t mean just a date or a roll in the hay.

Because the truth is, I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one. I do plenty of stuff alone and I adore my own company.  But there are a lot moments where it would be could to have a partner.

I am already happy, so I don’t need someone to make me happy.  I want someone to share my happiness.

Getting back to love finding me, it should be pretty easy, one would think, since I have been blessed with a star on my forehead.  But what I realize that only the special someone will see the star and find me.

Now the question is: Where is he?

Did he give up looking for me and married somebody else?

I thought I had found him, but the truth is I wanted him so much that I made him up. Ex was so charming that I figure this is it.

So, right now I am on e-Harmony. But sometimes it just smells of desperation, of offering myself.

I like to think that I am being pro-active, like they say about the Lottery, you have to be in it to win it, so I guess this is my way of being in it!.

So are you actively pursuing love or are you waiting until it finds you?