Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

The Dream, The Dreamer, The Inflexible and The Flexible

30 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.” -― Leo F. Buscaglia

Date with The Dream: This guy looks exactly like a picture I have on my vision board.  I don’t have a type, but I wanted my board to have the picture of someone symbolizing a partner.  So I cut the face of a guy from an ad in a magazine.  This guy looks exactly like this picture.  It is uncanny.  It felt somewhat like faith when he contacted me.

We exchanged messages for months, even though he lives not too far from me.  He may have been concerned with Covid. He is 8 years younger and a professional photographer.

We met at La Herradura for dinner and drinks.  I was happy to see that he looked exactly like his picture.  He was sweet, and such a gentleman.

BUT, for some reason his speech and mannerisms were very distracting to me.  It detracted from his image.  I don’t think I would be able to date him and not want to change him.  I have the combination of an accent and a lisp, so I am well aware of the hypocrisy here.

I have learned about photo shoots, and working with clay. I had fun, good food, and we parted as friends.

“We are all hypocrites. We cannot see ourselves or judge ourselves the way we see and judge others.”― José Emilio Pacheco

Date with the Dreamer:  This man is 54 years old, and has lived in different parts of the country.  He is now in Pennsylvania to help with his parents.  I appreciate that!

He is very smart and well read, full of ideas for the future.  He wants to write a few books and shared his ideas with me.  I admire his ambition but it seems that he has lot of ideas, and not enough action.

We had a fun time over appetizers and drinks at Maria’s Restaurant, but not enough chemistry to embark on a long-distance relationship.

I learned about all his interesting book ideas, and also parted as friends.

“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.” -― John O’Donohue

Date with the Inflexible ex-cop:  He is my age, in great shape, takes very good care of his appearance; and apparently of his home.  He is retired from the police force and now works in security.

We met for coffee at R Café & Tea Boutique.  We spoke about everything for a couple of hours.  It was clear that even though he was a great guy, he is not for me.  He seemed a bit too set on his ways, inflexible in some areas.  I guess so am I.  I may be guilty of hypocrisy again ☹

I have learned about home improvements, and also of the struggles between a father and his adult children.  We parted as friends.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Date with the Flexible Gym Guy.  Tonight, I will be going to dinner with a 45-year-old tech guy.  That is, if he doesn’t annoy me too much with the request for pictures. He often sends me pictures of himself while out driving, exercising, whatever. Then he asks me to send one in return.

I never did, and the more he asks the more I don’t want to do it.  Yesterday I sent a picture of the crystals and rocks I have on my desk.  Perhaps he got the message finally.  I am not into exchanging pictures before meeting, and won’t feel pressured to do so.

He seems very intelligent, and plays the guitar.  He is very focused on his body lately.  He has a personal trainer and goes to the gym religiously.  He says he is at his best, as far as strength and flexibility. I am not that into exercise lately, so perhaps it is good to meet someone that is.  Maybe it will rub off on me.

Stay tuned for the details of the date.

“If you limit your choice only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” ― Robert Fritz

You deserve more. Don’t settle for less.

28 Wednesday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” ― Roy T. Bennett

My great friend Anthony sent me the text below.  It has been ascribed to Anthony Hopkins, but I am not really sure the source.  I just love it and wanted to share. 

′′Let go of the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change who you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is, that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship; it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.
When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.

You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others” ― Steve Maraboli

From ghosting to gaslighting, to goodbye

20 Tuesday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ― Alexander Pope

P. is out of the hospital and home recuperating. It is disappointing how I found out.

I hadn’t heard any updates from his sister or his friend.  Originally I was alternating sending daily texts and messages on OKCupid.  Then it was every couple of days.  I didn’t want to be overwhelming.  My messages were short and all it said was something like: “I hope you are getting better. Sending prayers.”

I imagined that he would be happy to see that there was someone thinking of him and wishing him well, as I would.  I thought that once he could get to his phone he would send me a note.  Not that I thought we would resume dating where we left off.  I thought we could be friends and go from there.   His focus should be on his health. 

Imagine my surprise when I logged on the dating site on Sunday morning and saw that the green light next to his name was on, meaning he was online. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, perhaps somebody had his phone or computer or something.

I logged a few more times throughout the day and continued to see the green light.  Since I had been texting and messaging him all along it made no sense to text him again, so I texted his friend.

I was surprised.  Clearly, Peter has been getting my messages. I wonder why not say anything. Even if just to make me go away.  Say something like: “I am out of the hospital and resting.  I will be in touch when I am well.”

His friend seemed to imply I was bothering.  I took the hint. Case closed.

An hour later Peter wrote. Clearly his friend let him know I texted him.  At the top is my last text to him from 6 days earlier.  I don’t think I was over the top with the texting amount and content.



I didn’t reply.  Ten minutes later he messaged on OKCupid saying the same thing. I didn’t reply there either.  Clearly, he only texted me because his friend said something.

Just now, as I am writing this, I noticed that he sent me that text yesterday (it was an extra busy day yesterday). It changes nothing for me.

This chapter is done. I am glad he is out of the hospital and doing well. 

Later, still on Sunday, his friend wrote again:

WHAT?  He is surprised I am concerned?  He is the one that tracked me down on the dating site to let me know Peter was in the hospital.  Peter is the one that was already planning dinners and trips; and talking to friends and family about me.

This, to me, is an example of gaslighting.  Making it seem like I imagined things.   I didn’t reply.  

Then last night, he wrote again:

Offended? no.  Annoyed? yes.  But not worth the time and energy explaining to him that he was out of line. It is best to just move on.

I replied this morning:

It is indeed all good.  Everything is always good, and it is always as it is meant to be.  There are lessons here and I will eventually learn them.  But I will continue treating people as I want to be treated. I can live with that regret.

My disappointment is not because of another potential romance that has failed.  A romance failure just means I am getting closer and closer to the real thing.  I am disappointed that Peter couldn’t have had the decency and kindness of reaching out before being forced to.  He left me wondering if he was dead or alive. In the meantime he was checking the dating site.

NEXT!

“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

In other news, life is busy and I still manage to go on a couple of dates that I will be writing about next. Stay tuned, this rollercoaster never stops for long.

 

Cute or Cruel?

09 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis

 

55th Birthday celebration in Newport, RI

30 Tuesday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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My sister and I went to Newport, RI for our 55th birthday.  It was beautiful there.  I thought it was my first time being there.  Then, as I was driving on Bellevue Avenue, I saw the International Tennis Hall of Fame and realized I had been there before.

It was almost 10 years ago.  It was for Andre Agassi’s induction ceremony in July 2011.  It may as well had been in a prior life.  I was with Ex then.  Ex, the one that deserves no introduction, but I will clarify for new readers.  He is the one that cheated on me and broke my heart over 9 years ago.  He is the reason why I started this blog – to get the pain out of my being.

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” – Mario Puzo,  The Last Don

I guess I really blocked all the memories of those 3 years with him.  Speaking of him, he texted to wish my sister and I a happy birthday.  I just deleted it.  But it always angers me.  The fact that he thinks that it is okay to contact me after I went as far as telling him to pretend I was dead.  The nerve!  He is not my friend.

Back to Newport and our birthday.  It was beautiful and we had a great time.  We stayed at the America’s Cup Inn.  It was the perfect location for us, right in the center of everything.  So happens that the entire staff of this hotel was Brazilian, and all so nice and helpful.  As we Brazilians often are.

We drove around the island and at times parked and walked around the shore.  Newport is famous for, among other things, the Gilded Age mansions.  We visited the only one that was open: The Marble House.  It was beautiful, opulent and so rich in history.  (pictured below)

We shopped in the little stores in downtown for souvenirs and ate in delicious places. I failed to make reservations for a couple of places I really want to eat at, so we weren’t able to get in.  Better planning next time.  

We will definitely go back at some point!

As far as turning 55, it just feels so foreign to me.  But such a milestone deserves its own post.  I will be writing about it in a separate post.

“Be the celebrators, celebrate! Already there is too much—the flowers have bloomed, the birds are singing, the sun is there in the sky—celebrate it! You are breathing and you are alive and you have consciousness, celebrate it!” ― Osho

The guest and the gift

11 Thursday Mar 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“In one thing you have not changed, dear friend,” said Aragorn: “you still speak in riddles.”
“What? In riddles?” said Gandalf. “No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.” –  J.R.R. Tolkien

I love babies, specially little Edward, that I hope to see again someday.  But I also love older people.

I have mentioned here,  years ago, that I was volunteering in a nursing home. Even though that didn’t really work out, it did make me realize that I enjoy their company and wisdom.  It also saddened me to see in person how some are just discarded by society, and even worst, by their own families.

I am so glad that I still have my parents, and that they are being treated like royalty by my siblings and I. It is such a blessing to have my brother and sister share my care, love and respect for my parents.

“It`s not how old you are, it`s how you are old.”
― Jules Renard

One of my friends works as a caretaker for an elderly man.  She has mentioned him to me a few times but I had never met him before.

Yesterday, all of a sudden, as I am working at my desk, she walked in.  She said: “Are you busy? There is someone that wants to meet you”.  In walks her boss pushing his walker.

She found out that I am in the same building that his ENT doctor is located.  Since he had an appointment there, she took the opportunity to stop by.

He was the sweetest and funniest man.  He is 89 years old but sharp as a tack. We joked and made fun of my friend.  He then said he had brought me a gift.  He open the seat of his walker and removed a little eyeglass case.  In it there was this little beaver carved out of some pink stone.

It doesn’t really look like a beaver but he said it was a beaver, therefore it is a beaver to me.  Look at the picture below and tell me what animal do you think it is.

He said it was Indian and it was meant to give me protection and prosperity.  I will take it! He gave me some of the background on it, but I was so taken by the gesture that I didn’t pay attention.

I do that often. I get so involved in the feeling of the moment that I ignore all else. I will ask my friend to find out for me.

I felt so special! 🙂

I am still in pain. The dentist said it is normal for the pain to be stronger a few days after the surgery.  He said it should be gone by day 7.  It is just so abnormal for me to have such pain after a dental surgery.  He also said I should stop taking Advil alone and combine it with Tylenol.

Well, the 7th day is tomorrow and to celebrate it I scheduled a lunch date.   I am not sure if I more more excited for the date or for the food.  It will be the first time in one week that I will be eating more than yogurt and scrambled eggs.

Stay tuned for the details… of my meal. 🙂

“The Little Boy and the Old Man

Said the little boy, “Sometimes I drop my spoon.”
Said the old man, “I do that too.”
The little boy whispered, “I wet my pants.”
I do that too,” laughed the little old man.
Said the little boy, “I often cry.”
The old man nodded, “So do I.”
But worst of all,” said the boy, “it seems
Grown-ups don’t pay attention to me.”
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
I know what you mean,” said the little old man.”
― Shel Silverstein

2 pennies and a rose: how lucky can a person be? or should I say blessed?

17 Wednesday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“When we’re interested in something, everything around us appears to refer to it (the mystics call these phenomena ‘signs’, the sceptics ‘coincidence’, and psychologists ‘concentrated focus’, although I’ve yet to find out what term historians would use).” ― Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

I believe in signs. I believe that if we are paying attention, if our minds are still, we can notice signs all over.

I don’t pay attention.  I am never quiet.  My mind is always going 100 miles per hours. I am sure I go through life missing signs. But every now and then, I see something and it feels like a sign.

I am that person that believes in everything that cannot be seen or explained. I believe in unicorns, angels, miracles, fairy-tales, soulmates and all of that is magical and unexplainable.

I pray that I am able to see the signs as I encounter them. Yes, I believe in the power of prayer too.  I pray for signs that show me that I am in the right path; that I didn’t veer off into the wrong path.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.” ― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

The other day, as I was walking to work, I felt a pebble inside my shoe. I stopped, and as I flipped my shoe, two pennies fell off. I was surprised.  It felt like a tiny pebble and not coins. (see picture below)

How did it get there? I don’t know, and I don’t really care.  I see it as a sign. A sign of abundance and prosperity, of money coming my way. Based on what, you may ask? On nothing; just my crazy ever so optimistic mind.

I got to work and a few minutes later I got an email from my credit card confirming a $1,000 refund for a ticket to Brazil that I had already given up on.  



Today, as I am again walking to work, I see a rose on the sidewalk. I was passing on by, then I thought to myself: If it was money, I would pick it up, why not a flower?  I went back and picked it up. (see the picture below)

It is one of those flowers made of fabric.  It looked perfect, clean, and so out of place lying on the sidewalk on this frigid winter day.  

To me, it came bringing all sorts of messages. It signals goodness blooming. It means love, happiness, good fortune, good days ahead. All that goodness coming and going, to me and from me.   

No, unfortunately I didn’t get to work and Prince Charming was waiting for me 😦  But it could happen.  I believe!


That is me! Always a dreamer!  May I always be in the moment and alert to see the signs gifted to me from above.

I think I notice signs walking to work because that is when I am at my quietest.  It is early, not a lot people on the street. I don’t have the TV or radio going.  I am not fiddling on the cell phone.  I am doing 1 thing: walking, instead of 3 or 4. I am just walking, happy, feeling the cold air on my face and feeling ever so alive.

“I believe in signs….what we need to learn is always there before us, we just have to look around us with respect & attention to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take. When we are on the right path, we follow the signs, and if we occasionally stumble, the Divine comes to our aid, preventing us from making mistakes.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Your Love is King, my heart is your castle!

14 Sunday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

I am dealing with the opposite of writer’s block.  I have had so much I wanted to share and so many ideas, and yet I can’t manage to finish a post.  It is 2am now and I promised myself that I will not go to sleep until I hit the Publish button. So forgive the typos.

I have started doing to my posts what I do with books.  I start multiple ones, but never finish them.  I need to change this bad habit that is starting to permeate all areas of my life.

Because it is Valentine’s Day I want to leave you with a song that I love. I love everything about Sade and her music.  This song also reminds me of when I first arrived in the US, in 1984.  It had been released at that time.

It was a time of newness, discovery, uncertainty, sadness, excitement, and so much belief and faith.

“What have we to fear, we who believe?” ― Victor Hugo

What I don’t remember having at that time was fear.  I was too young at that point to have any fear.  What a blessing it is to know no fear.  I was 17 years, and even without speaking the language, having any money or job, I did feel I would be okay in this foreign land.  I didn’t know the details of when, what or how, but I knew I would be okay. 

It was not a feeling of complete invincibility. Perhaps it was just ignorance of fear. I was ready and eager to embrace the future. I envy the focus and hunger of that young girl.  I want to be her again.  I want to be that fearless and determined again.

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” ― Roy T. Bennett

On this Valentine’s Day, I wish you courage.  The courage to open your heart and allow others in.  Be willing to be vulnerable.  Anywhere you go leave a trail of love and kindness!  Let the ones you care know that you do. 

Above all, be amazing to yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness! Do what brings you joy! You are unique, special and deserving of love!

I love you for coming here, reading, liking, commenting, and reaching out to me in other ways.   It brings me joy, warms my soul and it makes my heart sing. It means the world, it makes a difference!  I am grateful!

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, never need to part
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
Tearing the very heart of me, I’m crying out for more
Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, you’re the ruler of my heart
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
I’m crying out for more, your love is king
I’m coming on, I’m coming
You’re making me dance, inside
Your love is king, crown you in my heart
Your love is king, never need to part
Your kisses ring, round and round and round my head
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
Tearing the very heart of me, I’m crying out for more
Touching the very part of me, it’s making my soul sing
I’m crying out for more, your love is king
This is no blind faith, this is no sad or sorry dream
This is no blind faith, your love, your love is real
Gotta crown me with your heart (your love is king)
Never, never need to part (your love is king)
Touch me (your love is king)
I’m coming (your love is king)
(Your love is king) making me dance

Your Love is King – Sade

Online dating blah blah blah

06 Saturday Feb 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” ― E.E. Cummings

I signed up for OKCupid.  I haven’t had much time to actually be online, but still I have managed to connect with several people. 

Guy 1. 49 yrs old. Funny and smart.  After speaking a couple of days online I gave him my number.  After the initial pleasantries his first message was an offer to send me a picture of his d.  I declined and said that we clearly want different things.  He said he understood and we continued to text.  But every now and then, he offers to send me a picture. 

Why do I have this perpetual need of being nice? Why do I keep giving people second chances?  I guess I need to listen to Maya Angelou when she says: “When someone shows you who they are,  believe them the first time.” 

Guy 2. 45 yrs old. Smart conversation. I gave him my number.  We texted.  He seemed very interested.  Asked me out.  I said yes.  Then he just seemed to fade.  I am still waiting to hear about tonight’s date.  At this point, 11am, even if he reaches out I am no longer interested.  I guess some people just want to get the date but not go through with that.

Perhaps some people are only after that initial excitement, the thrill of connecting with someone new.  

Guy 3. 58 yrs old. He is all about volleyball.  It is funny because that is all he talks about.  He started playing recently.  I haven’t played since I was 16. He wants me to join his league. I am not sure about that, but I am going on a date with him next week. Well, I am still deciding if I should go or not.

Should I still go on a date with someone that I am not terribly excited about?  Would that be wasting their time?

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have encountered a bunch of catfishes already.  I even managed to give my number to one, before I realized it.  I am embarrassed about that.  I should know better.  I have to pay more attention.  Lesson learned.

Then there are the guys that are all about sex.  I know they want sex.  I want sex. We all do, but why lead with that? Read the room, I mean profile, people!  I want sex but as part of a committed relationship, and I state that in my profile.

Worst of all, at first they want to change my mind.  When that doesn’t work, they try to gaslight me by saying that I am overthinking things, that sex is not all they are about.  Those guys are exhausting!

Then there are the offer of being friends with benefits. It doesn’t appeal to me.  This is no judgement on anyone that enjoys that.  I become attached to people, and I would suffer later.  I know me.

I do reserve the right to change my mind on that.  On anything.  I am evolving as the earth is moving.

“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
― Walt Whitman

I am always open to making platonic friends, but rarely guys on dating site accept that.  Some say they have too many friends. Some agree to being friends, but then just fade away.  I get it.

Speaking of friends.  There are 2 friends that I met on Plenty of Fish. Among all the catfish and other fake profiles I found 2 friends. 

Guy 1.  I have written about him here often.  I call him A-the doctor.  We went on a few dates.  Then he disappeared.  When he came back we became friends.  We go out often to brunch and dinner.  We talk a lot about health, spiritual things, soul, Rumi, etc. Lately, most of our conversations are about Cryptocurrencies. He believes they are the future and that I should invest heavily on them.  

Guy 2. This person, I all call him P-the Investor. I have known him for a couple of years, but I don’t think I ever mentioned him here.  We never met in person.  I will write more about him in a next post.  For now he is a friend that has become dear to me.  Lately our conversations are all about stocks.   He wants me to stay away from cryptocurrencies and focus on stocks. 

At the moment I find myself more interested in reading about stocks then dating profiles 🙂

“If you dare nothing, then when the day is over,
nothing is all you will have gained.” ― Neil Gaiman

 

 

Addicted to Potential

21 Thursday Jan 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 58 Comments

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“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” ― Hermann Hesse

My dating life at the moment is non-existent. I am planning on joining another online dating site, but cannot decide which one.  I have been on Match, e-Harmony and Plenty of Fish before. They were all okay.  I have met jerks, but also met some great men. But, for some reason or another, I remain single and still searching.

My sister has never been on a dating site before and I want her to try.  I am suggesting to her Bumble and Our Time.  I think it would be too weird for us both to be on the same site.  We do look very similar on some pictures.  I need to think of other sites.

Any suggestions on what dating site I should join next? I am thinking either OKCupid or Zoosk.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” ― Vincent van Gogh

It is not like it has been ages since I have been on a dating site either. My membership on Match expired at the beginning of December.

The last date I had was in December. I mentioned it in a post how he was such a nice person, that even though I didn’t think there were sparks I thought it was worth a second date.  We also talked about being friends and he was happy with that.  Then he just disappeared.

Nothing.  Not a word. He even ignored my happy holidays wishes.   I am not crying over his disappearance. I learned a long time ago that in these situations, the sooner one accepts it and moves on the better.  I am human, so I am curious.  Why someone chooses to just disappear?

“Potential,” I said, “doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve got to do it. Almost every baby in a crib has more potential than I have.” ― Charles Bukowski

I find disappearing acts childish and immature.  One minute the guy is all over you professing his love, the next he is gone. Not a word.  Strange, weird, but all too common lately.

When people disappear for no reason, with no explanation, I always thank my guardian angels.  I credit them for removing from my life something that would not be good for me in the long run.  I wholeheartedly believe in that. He is still a nice guy, but for somebody else.

I firmly believe that everything that happens in my life is for the best. Sometimes, it may not seem that way at the moment, but ultimately, I am better off.  So, I embrace it all as a gift from above. Disappearing acts included.

And for the disappearing guy I have a poem:

I have more people to meet, stocks to buy,

so thank you for not wasting my time with a good bye.

“Passion creates, addiction consumes.” ― Gabor Maté

And speaking of stocks to buy, I am staging my own intervention.  I have been very busy at work, but whatever little extra time I have I find myself doing something stock related. It seems that, momentarily, I have traded men for stocks.

Dating sites were a distraction from the busyness of work and the craziness of life.  Now tracking stocks is my distraction of choice.

It has been just 2 months since I have started playing the stock market and I already feel the need to reign in my buying compulsion. I have all kinds of stocks, from big well-known ones to obscure niche ones.  From weed growers to bitcoin mining.  I am going crazy.

“This is how we bring about our own damnation, you know-by ignoring the voice that begs us to stop. To stop while there’s still time.” ― Stephen King

It is a lot like gambling and also like treasure hunting. Can I find the next stock that is going to blow up and make me an overnight millionaire?

Of course not.  I know better.  Still, I play.

My addictive personality is addicted to lure of making it big. In the same way I am addicted to the potential of meeting The One in dating sites.  I am addicted to the potential in things.

Because I am addicted to the potential, I look for the good in everything.  I give people and things extra chances. I overdo it.  I overstay.  I keep the door open.

I want to find the needle in the haystack, the diamond among the sea of cubic zirconia.

Hi, my name is Ana and I am an addict!

“Anything that inspires addiction or obsession – substances, entertainment, beauty, secrecy – is dangerous in that it can lead to isolation, self-absorption, and disconnection, to paralyzed stasis: an immobility that gathers like a force.” ― Greg Carlisle