Monthly Archives: July 2015

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead: Not just a name, a belief and a way of life!

31 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I am exhausted from hosting my brother and his girlfriend for 3 weeks.  I need a vacation from their vacation.  It was fun and I got to do a lot of touristy stuff, but happy to have my solitude back!

“Visits always give pleasure–if not the arrival, the departure.” ― Portuguese Proverb

An update on my date (the doctor) from the previous posts:  He texted a couple of Sundays ago asking me if I was free.  I said I was going to be free after my brother left on the 29th.  We texted back and forth and also spoke on the phone that day, but I heard nothing since then.  When I asked him why he went silent the first time he said: “You could have called also”.  When he asked if that answered my question I said no, he then said:  “Women need to understand that men are insecure too!” I don’t understand how my honesty and telling a man I like his company would make him feel insecure.  I realize I need to date a man that is not insecure, but we can still be friends and I did enjoy all our conversations. His silence now doesn’t bother me at all, so I think I will text him to wish him a nice weekend.  It is amazing how different things feel when you take the emotional investment out of it.  When you feel you have nothing to lose you take more chances. With more chances there is more to gain.

“A man’s spirit is free, but his pride binds him with chains of suffocation in a prison of his own insecurities” -― Jeremy Aldana

***

I received an email asking me about the meaning of “a star on the forehead”.  So I decided to write here a brief summary about it.

I arrived in the US on November 9, 1984 at the naïve age of 17 years old.  I was clueless as to what awaited for me. I was full of dreams and totally fearless (it is easy when you have no clue at all that could have gone wrong).  At that point in time Brazilians would come to NY to work for a year or two and make enough money to buy a house or start a business. Looking back I am not sure what my plans/goals/dreams were but I knew 2 things:  1) No matter what I would not go back to Brazil a failure and 2) I would not give any reasons for my family to worry about me (so I never complained and never told them the truth of how incredibly hard and difficult my beginning here really was).

I will leave all the details of eventually finding work and creating a life for me here for a future post.

On Sundays I used to meet an old acquaintance from Brazil.  On this particular day she was going to the Bronx to a fortune teller, so I tagged along.  Even though I always enjoyed that type of stuff I had no money to spare so I was not going to get my fortune read/told.

We get to this very poor decrepit area in the Bronx, go to this one house and proceed to wait in this waiting area.  A woman comes out and calls my friend’s name and we go in.

There was this very large man sitting on a rug or a very thin mattress.  For some reason I was expecting the fortune teller to be a woman.   He was very heavy, it seemed that his body spilled over and it became one with this mattress/rug.  As soon as we entered the room, he man covered his eyes with one hand as if attempting to shield the glare of the sun.  He pointed to me and said: “You, don’t sit down! I am not wasting my time with you.  You have a star on the forehead!  You will have everything you want, school, work, money, anything.  Anything you want will be yours; you will just have to want it.  That is all you need to know!”

And that was all I ever needed to know.

I just moved away and my friend sat in front of him and he read her fortune.  I am not even sure if he used cards or what he did.  His words were swimming in my head the whole time as he was giving her some bad news.

Even though he spoke in Spanish (he was Puerto Rican) I was able to understand exactly what he meant.  My friend later reiterated the same thing, so there is no doubt.  At that point was not even about what he really said but about what I heard and how I felt.  I would be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me.  It affected my entire life and still does.  I took that as a sign that I was specially blessed. I held on to that at all times and still do.   To me it was a sign that my work was going to pay off and the hardships and pains were simply bumps in the road.  That was exactly what I needed to hear at that difficult time.

Since then I go through life thinking I am special.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think we are all special and we all should focus on our blessings and be more positive. There is nothing to be gained or accomplished by feeling like victims and being pessimistic.  So why not smile more, walk taller and know you are blessed?  I often say that we are all blessed, but the only difference is that I know it and recognize it and some people are totally ignorant to it.

Today, 30 years later I have an amazing life. I call it amazing, but it is simple, no frills, I just love the fact that I can afford my parents anything they need/want.  Nothing was handed to me freely and easily.  Everything I have I achieved on my own, with my own hard work and perseverance.  I have been blessed with the opportunities and skills and have made the most of it.  I have been blessed with the certainty of a Superior Power that watches over me and has my back.  Nothing can cause me harm!

I plan on one day writing in detail all I went thorough in the past 30 years.  From the very tough early days,  the trials, tribulations, the laughter and the fun.  I don’t feel ready to write it yet.

I believe anyone can have whatever they set their hearts on.  I believe that if I don’t have something I want,  it is because 1) it is not the right timing or 2)I don’t want it bad enough and therefore I am not working hard to get it.

And that is how I came up with the name of my blog.

“In the difficult moments believe in yourself.  Believe that you are whole, perfect, powerful, and blessed.” ― Debasish Mridha

Being nice, easy and going with the flow!

16 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

C360_2015-07-12-16-55-58-239 C360_2015-07-12-13-21-19-379

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

Busy and Exhausted! That is my status.  Happy too, of course, always happy!   My brother and his girlfriend arrived from Brazil on Friday to spend 20 days.  This is their first time here and they don’t speak a word of English so they rely on me for everything.  On Saturday we went to Woodbury Commons Premium Outlets.  They loved it.  Things such as brand name tennis shoes are very expensive in Brazil so when Brazilians get here they go crazy with the prices and variety of styles.  On Sunday we went to the Statue of Liberty and to the One World Trade Center.  I have never been to either one so it was a great experience.  Being an immigrant myself the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island have an even greater meaning.  At the September 11 Memorial it was profoundly sad to see the names of people I knew personally.  It reminds me to tell people how much they mean to me when I have a chance to because the next moment is never a guarantee.  I will write a future post on 9/11.

There will be much more sightseeing and shopping in store in the next 2 weeks.  Tonight we are going to see The Phantom of The Opera.  This weekend we will probably visit the Museum of Natural History and Central Park, or perhaps we will go to Washington, DC, we are still deciding.  Well I am still deciding.

I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my brother.  I see him every time I go to Brazil but normally he is not the center of attention, it is all either about my Dad, Mom or my twin sister. At any rate it looks like it will not happen here either.  The girlfriend doesn’t leave his side for 5 seconds.  Even to take pictures, it is a tad annoying at times.

***

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

Last weekend I got a call from a cousin that had come to the US to take care of some business here.  I knew he was coming but was told that he was going to stay with friends.  He called me to say hello and he seemed unsure of where he was going to stay so I offered for him to stay at my apartment.  He was supposed to travel back to Brazil on the day that my brother was arriving so it seemed perfect.

It turned out that he had to stay longer.  When I realized that I was going to have 3 people in my apartment I started stressing out.  I started missing my solitude, my privacy, my organized environment.  Then I decided to relax, embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow.  It is amazing that when you just surrender and go with the flow the Universe just takes care of everything and all just works out.

It turned out that having my cousin here this week was a blessing in disguise.  I have been able to work the entire week while my cousin takes them around.  My car is only a 2-seater, so I was stressing out about transportation but for this week I didn’t need to worry about that.

Last night I took everyone to a Japanese Steakhouse to thank him for his help.  Everyone loved it!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

***

An Update on Mr. Almost Perfect for Me (the guy from the last 2 posts)

To recap: I texted him and he replied saying that he was going to call me in the next couple of days.  The following evening he called.  I didn’t see the missed call until much later.  Honestly I am not sure if had I seen the call I would have picked it up.  He left a message saying:  Hi It is ____ I hope you are well, I Just called to say hi.

I didn’t call back, but today, a week later, I changed my mind and sent a quick text saying that I had gotten his message.  We exchanged a few pleasant texts.  I am keeping the lines of communications open.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ― George Bernard Shaw

I don’t foresee any romance as I am not interested in that anymore (with him).  The moment he was silent it seemed that the magic was broken.   I felt disrespected.  I felt I deserved the courtesy of communication.  I know that feelings sometimes betray us and sometimes they are not even factual but until I learn to ignore my feelings that is what I am going by.   They say “it is not what happens to us but how we deal with it”, I believe that a lot times is not what happens to us but how we feel about it.  So I need to look inwards and find the reason why I feel the way I feel sometimes.  I do go overboard sometimes.

Still I see progress.  I realized the need to keep all my feelings in check.  I need to continue to exercise “non-reaction” – take some time to think before reacting.  I am finding a middle ground.  I am loving and respecting myself not to bend backwards to please someone anymore while also not being so hard and shortsighted as to shut somebody down without giving them and myself a fair chance.  I am willing to be his friends, to listen and to learn.  How I felt about how intelligent and inspiring he is hasn’t changed even if I didn’t agree with his attitude.  I am not perfect either, and that is why I am still here, to learn, to get better, to fall, to get up, to try again.

I am also being more aware of my behavior, feelings and expectations.  The moment I saw someone with, what I thought were, the same exact ideas I have about life I immediately started seeing a future with that person…to much too soon…too many expectations.  No matter how many times I try to tell myself I have no expectations I do have them and of course they often lead to disappointment.  I was perhaps a tad too open, too revealing, too excited.  Holding back is good!

I am remaining open to what the Universe has in store for me.  Freedom will be my new word! I will continue giving people freedom to come and go from my life, and giving myself the freedom to make mistakes.  Freedom is when I no longer take other’s action so personally and so painfully. (It looks like I need to read The Four Agreements again)

“Freedom is more than just a patriotic concept; it is the purest intent of our design. Be you. Be free. Be nice.”― Steve Maraboli

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 51 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? 🙂

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho

Is the third date the charm or the undoing?

01 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. Someone sober will worry about things going badly. Let the lover be. ” ― Rumi, The Essential Rumi

So this is about the third date with AS.  I normally don’t get excited enough about anyone to go on a second date let alone a third date, so this is really a major deal.  I am trying to reign in my excitement and not get ahead of myself.

For this third date we decided to meet to play ping-pong as I told him I could probably beat him.  Before the date he called me to see if I wanted to have dinner first.  So we met at the same Vegetarian restaurant from the first date (I am missing burgers already 😦  This time I didn’t quite care for my meal but the conversation continued to be great and flow easily.

My first misstep:  I told him that I liked him and was excited to have met him.  Why be so honest and upfront?  He said he felt the same way.  But what was he going to say?  why do I have this need to lay all my card on the table so soon?

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” ― Rumi

After dinner we went to shoot pool (as the place no longer had ping pong tables).  I lost!  No news there as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to pool.

After we were done playing he drove me to my apartment building and walked me to my lobby. In that few seconds where he would give me a quick peck on the lips I turn to him and  said: What now?  Want to come up?  His answer was sure, or something like that. Misstep # 2: I invited him to my apartment.   I don’t know why I did it, it was totally impulsive.    I knew there would be no sex and there would be no chance that he would be anything less than a gentleman.  But still why did I have to?  I am guessing I wanted to get a real kiss.  To me it is all about the kiss, and even though a light peck on the lips was sweet and good,  I craved more.

I offered him some coffee, tea or juice but he settled on water.  Then I showed him my apartment which he said was great.  He kissed me while I was showing him around.  There were sparks!!

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” ― Rumi

We sat on the couch and discussed some of the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then we kissed some more.  Things got hot and heavy – I take full blame for lighting the flames.  There was no sex as we have already discussed how we think that sex should special and have meaning and not be just this lustful urge.  I think that we both forgot about all that for a minute but we were able to recover before things got too far.  Misstep # 3: Let things get too hot, actually causing things to get too hot.

“Forget safety.  Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.   Be notorious.” ― Rumi

I am a bit mad with myself.  Why couldn’t I just let him take charge and steer this relationship? I doubt things would get as hot as it did.  It is all good as I mentioned no sex happened, but I just don’t like when I see myself trying to be so controlling and dictating everything.  Why do I have this need to be in charge?  Now I will never know how things would have unfolded if I had let him drive.  I skipped steps.

“Remember. The way you make love is the way God will be with you.” ― Rumi

But that is not the worst part!  Misstep # 4: In the middle of a kiss I stop and ask him if he is dating other people.  Now, why did I have to do that?  He should be dating other people; I should be dating other people.  This is only the third date!!

He said: no, are you?  I said no.  And with that I just shot myself on the foot! Who starts this type of conversation in the middle of kissing?  Why do I have to push people for answers, decisions, labels.  Why can’t I just let things flow, why can’t I let nature run its course?

Now I forced myself to not date anybody else otherwise I am going to be a liar. I plan on talking to him about that next chance I get.  Or perhaps I should leave things alone?

“Not only the thirsty seek the water, the water as well seeks the thirsty.” ― Rumi

I have not seen him since that date (Thursday), he was away at a wedding and returned this morning (Tuesday).  He has texted me that he is back and swamped trying to catch up at work.  He hasn’t asked me out  again yet.  I expect he will.

I am trying to control my impatience and impulsiveness – it is a constant struggle!  I need to stop trying to take the driver’s seat.  I blame my impatience, my hurry, my need to have answers, results, to be in people’s face, my need for reaction from people.

“Gamble everything for love, if you’re a true human being.” ― Rumi

And then I remember that I need to be nice to myself, not only that but I need to be myself.  I need to honor the beauty in the type of person I am.  I am beautifully flawed, but I am real.  So I err on the side of too honest, too curious, too Impulsive, but at the end of the day I am me.  I am not acting or playing games.  If someone is going to love me, they will have to get used to it sooner or later.

“Put your thoughts to sleep, do not let them cast a shadow over the moon of your heart.  Let go of thinking.” ― Rumi