aloneness, Anthony Doerr, Friends, gratitude, holidays, loneliness, mosaic, Sticky Toffee Pudding cake, Thanksgiving
“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre
The days near holidays are always depressing and somewhat annoying for me; but not for the reason you think!
Yes I miss my family but holidays don’t make me miss them any more or less. I miss them period!
I find the days around holidays hard because of all the questions, actually not the questions, but the reactions to my answers to those questions.
The question are always the same: Where are you going, What are going to do on _______ (fill in the holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc)? My answer more often than not is: I will be home alone, or I will be going away alone.
Today, for example, I was questioned by my dental hygienist, then by the dentist, by a couple of co-workers, by a fellow commuter and by my accountant. Their reactions to my reply were always the same: oh sorry! They all had a look of pity on their face, exceptt for my accountant who had pity on his voice as I only spoke to him on the phone.
I immediately make sure to explain that there is nothing to be sorry about, but I am not sure if they believe that. I think that people think I just put up a brave face. And perhaps I do sometimes, but never about being alone.
“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Meniti Bianglala
I have spent a lot holidays alone. I don’t remember ever being bothered by it.
Most of my friends are spending time with their families. One offered to ask her in-laws if she could bring me. On that moment I did feel pitiful!
Being invited just because someone is sorry I will be home alone is really the depressing part for me. How about inviting someone because you just enjoy their company? I am able to appreciate the gesture but it feels insulting. Yep I am of a sensitive nature!
The pity I feel from people implies that there is something horribly wrong with spending a holiday alone, and therefore something wrong with me.
“Alone” is such a vilified word, it is almost a curse word sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lying about it and saying I will be spending with friends.
I think that I am too comfortable in my aloneness – not to be confused with loneliness. To me this is just my situation at the moment, it does not define me one way or another. I never think about until I get the reactions that I get. Should I be thinking about it? Do I have a problem?
“And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
My holidays vary with my mood and also with how much foresight I have in planning for it. More often than not holidays sneak up on me and then I realize too late that I missed a chance to get away for a few days.
This Thanksgiving I am planning to do a little of everything. Thanksgiving is one of my favorites holidays, mostly because it reminds us to be thankful – and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.
I will make myself a delicious meal. Since I don’t care for turkey, the bird of choice will be chicken. I think I will also make sweet potato fries, oven roasted vegetables, brown rice and quinoa. What I am really looking forward to is dessert. I will have Sticky Toffee Pudding cake.
I have been searching high and low for the best Sticky Toffee Pudding cake. I have ordered different ones ready-made online, including one that came in a can (awful), then I came across a cake mix box on Amazon.com from a store in Houston, TX that had great reviews. As one of life’s little coincidences, ex’s cousin works at that store and at this moment ex’s mother is in Houston visiting family. I never ask anyone for anything but this time I made an exception. She was over the moon that finally she had a chance to do something for me. So this week I got a delivery of 4 boxes (I only asked for one but she wanted to be extra nice). I can’t wait to have my apartment smelling of cake. I will report on taste later.
Remaining friends with his mother came in handy! lol
I stopped by the Library and got 3 books for the weekend. I started one this morning in the train and after 2 pages I couldn’t take it anymore. I am hoping the other 2 will be more entertaining. I think the best one will be “About Grace” by Anthony Doerr, but I will report on it later.
I also plan on starting a mosaic piece. It has been months since I have done anything with mosaics. I blame it on all the tools and materials not being easily accessible, but really that is just an excuse. I lack motivation lately.
I have invitations for dates before and after Thanksgiving, but lately I am even more selective with whom I choose to spend my time with. So I still have not decided if one of those guys are better then the book/popcorn combo I have planned for the evenings.
Anyway, the point of this post is to say: Please don’t be sorry for me! Alone or not, I am so blessed and happy! Just because I am physically with no one it doesn’t mean that my heart is not full and that I am not loved and loving and that my holiday will be less of a holiday than yours!
I am sorry if I sound rude, or Heaven forbid, ungrateful, that is not the case at all. I know everyone’s heart is in the right place, but I just wish that they would concentrate their sympathy on more important causes than me.
I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, alone or together, at home or away. Remember to be grateful for this very moment!
I thank you for continuing to be here for me! I thank you for putting up with my wordiness. I thank you for your time, energy and heart when you choose to read my words and reflect on them enough to give me your opinion. Your 2 cents often times makes me feel like a million dollars!
“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust