Tag Archives: texting

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

Tired of accepting less than I deserve!

11 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Even in all my busyness at the moment I find time to miss someone.  I miss AL!  I wrote about AL before. We met when I was selling some extra concert tickets online.  He didn’t buy the tickets but we developed an email friendship.  It turned out that he only lived 15 minutes away so we decided to meet.  The sparks that were noticeable in the emails were even more evident in person.  We dated for a little bit but decided to become only friends (without benefits).  We both realized that it wouldn’t work out romantically in the long run because of a sizable age difference (16 years) and decided that we’d rather nurture the friendship.

Our friendship continued until he became very busy with opening a restaurant.  At that point our friendship became texting only.  I understood him being busy, but after the restaurant came and went (he sold it) and he still he couldn’t find 5 minutes to meet up I started to feel weird, somewhat annoyed at this text only relationship.  I questioned the validity of a friendship that had become texting only.

I enjoyed the in-person banter we had and missed that.   I appreciated his outlook in life. Like me he was appreciative of everything he had but always striving to become better.

So for the past year I would mention every now and then how disappointed I was that we haven’t gotten together in awhile.  And it was always the same response: I am sorry I have been a bad friend  and  I promise to do better.

At one point I mentioned to him that I normally pay attention to a man’s actions and not his words.   I told him he said the right things but there was no action.  Again he was apologetic.

And still nothing ever changed. Then he would resume the texting.  I would sometimes ignore it hoping he would get it, but he would persist and eventually I relented and would continue the texting, which I enjoyed a lot.

After many times of this pattern of my complaining and his apologizing I was left feeling silly and childish.  It seemed stupid in a friendship to be feeling unappreciated and unworthy, but that was what I was feeling.

No matter how busy we all are we still find time for the people that we care about.  It was disappointing as I thought our friendship was amazing and I never pictured it ending only getting stronger.

Then it dawned on me:  He must have gotten a girlfriend!  I asked him and he confirmed it.  I was crushed!  Not because he had a girlfriend but because he thought so little of me to never tell me.

All of a sudden I didn’t know him anymore, and he clearly never knew me.  If we were such best friends why would he hide this girlfriend from me?  It was a mutual decision to turn the romance into friendship.  And that was already 2 years ago!  He knew of my online dating efforts as I mentioned often the dates I was going on.  He always said he was not looking for anyone as he was too busy, which I knew it was hogwash as men are always looking.

I am happy for him having found someone.  I am upset with the fact that he hid it from me.  It makes me question what he thinks of me.  Why would AL hide a girlfriend from me?  That is so stupid and it makes me rethink of what I thought of him.

Once again here is another guy that apparently thinks I like him and cannot handle the truth.  Once again I am forced to look at my actions to see where I have gone wrong.  When and how did I show that I wanted to be more friends?  I am stumped.

Finally one day I had had enough and made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to get texts anymore.   I had said that many times before but this time I made sure to tell him that this was making me feel pathetic and it was hurtful.  I mentioned that every time he texted it reminded me that we were no longer good friends.   It had become this stupid game of him texting, my complaining about not getting together, his apologizing, my giving in and texting back.  The stick the broke the camel’s back was him sending me a cutesy texting full of emoticons saying he loved me when only the day before I had told him to stop texting me.   I always felt he valued and appreciated me but why the “no effort”?

Well this time he heard me loud and clear! I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months months.  I am surprised (many times before he mentioned he would never let go of this friendship), and at the same time happy.  But I cannot lie and say I don’t miss him.  I miss him a lot(well his texting)!

But what do I really miss?  I guess it is just the idea of a best friend.  I always related better to men than women.   I miss his joy of life, his sharp wit, and his attention.  He got my jokes and he seemed to get me. I miss being thought of and being remembered.  But when someone lives just 15 minutes away, texting only is not enough.

No, I didn’t want him as a boyfriend.  After the initial attraction and trial dating, being just friends suited me fine.  I always relished the idea that we were able to put attraction aside and build this awesome friendship.  I felt smug about it as if this was an amazing achievement and we were able to do it.

I guess once again I invented a relationship that was better and more solid than in reality.

At times now I second guess myself about asking him to stop with the texting, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t haven’t been so demanding.   This after all was supposed to be an easy, no demanding friendship.  We saw each other when we had time.  Shouldn’t I just act cool and continue texting?

Then I remember that I was not feeling valued and worthy.  I felt cheap and used. I am worth of somebody’s time.  I am a great friend, true, open, honest, non-judgmental and here for you.  If he doesn’t have the time, actually if he doesn’t care to make the time to meet me then I shouldn’t waste my time with empty texting.

I miss him but don’t want to hear from him again.  There is a reason people come into our lives and there is a reason they leave.  There is a reason why things that are passed should remain in the past: to make room for the new.

I feel that my friendship with AL was comfortable to me, even in its dysfunctionality.   His texting was something I could count on to pick up my day, to make me laugh, to make me blush, to make me feel like a friend and often like a woman.

Being comfortable is the enemy of growth!

I question my self-esteem.   What am I holding on to when I accept less than I deserve?  What am I getting from this so-called friendship?  I was holding on to the past we had:  great outings and great conversations and; I was holding on to the future I thought we would have:  more great outings and more great conversations.  I realized I was missing the most important: the present, the now!

I am happy that I took a stand and spoke my mind.  I no longer feel used and just somebody to text with when he is bored. I will probably continue to miss him for awhile, but there is a price for everything in life, and this is the price I am paying for taking a stand for what I believe I deserve.

My door is wide open for new friends! No texting please!   Well, some texting is okay, since I am an expert at it!

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.

Lucky me! I saw Ex and got to meet the new girlfriend! :(

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I had mentioned before I had  been staying away from the US Open this year for fear of running into Ex. We share a loge box so we would be seated together if I went and used my seats.  The only day that I thought I was safe to go was on the second Friday which is the Women’s Semi Final’s day because no one cares to watch that.  He has never attended it.

So on Friday morning I was having a very frustrating day at work and with some additional personal problems that I was getting nowhere in trying to get resolved I decide to just leave it behind and go to the Open.  I still had the tickets, because as I mentioned you can’t give them away, let alone sell it. So I decided to go.

I get there and I am sitting and enjoying the match when all of a sudden there is a tap on my shoulder as someone says my name.  I turn around and I am face to face with Ex.  I think I stopped breathing for a second. I was shell shocked.  He said: How are you? I said fine thanks. He says to the woman sitting next to him: I recognized her by the ring!  I was wearing this big blue daisy cocktail ring.

And of course the woman next to him is the new girlfriend.  He points to her and says to me: this is M. Of course I knew her name but had never seen her face.  She extended her hand, I shook it and said hello, smiled and immediately turned to the front to continue watching the game.  I was shaking. I had a million emotions go through me in the space of seconds. To have 2 of the last people you ever want to see sitting behind you is very disconcerting.  He tapped me again on the shoulder and said he was going to get water if I wanted anything.  humm, do I want anything? Can you give me a order of you and your girlfriend disappearing from my face?

I have to say that this new girlfriend strikes me as being a good person, probably too good for him. I felt like warning her. But of course it is none of my business. I truly wish them both happiness, I just don’t want to witness it.

I didn’t last long sitting there.  I gathered my stuff got up and left without making eye contact. I stood outside recomposing myself. I think I was outside for 15 minutes deciding if I would go home or not.  I decided to return and do what I had intended from the beginning: watch a game that I love.

I went back and sat down and concentrated on the game.  After awhile I heard them leaving and I thanked heaven.  But after 1 hr they returned. But by then I was doing better.  Until she gets up and goes somewhere and he taps me on the shoulder to make small talk.  He asks me how my tennis is going. I try as best as I could to form some coherent sentence. I said something about tennis lessons going well, then I said lessons were over.  I felt my speech slurred.  Thank God the game re-stared and I turned around to watch it.  But at that moment when I turned around, I could feel the tears flooding my eyes and I fought hard not to start crying.  I was successful.

When the game was over we all got up and again he tapped my arm and said bye and she said nice to meet you and honestly I don’t remember if I  said anything back or not.

Later that night he sends me a text:

“You look great and it was very nice to see you.  I am sorry if I said or did anything that made you uncomfortable.  There were so many things I want to talk to you about but I will refrain until you tell me it is ok, love you, good night.”

I saw his text the following morning and immediately it hit me and I managed to control the tears.  I know it is okay to cry but lately I am trying to hold back unless I am facing my wailing wall http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/09/06/1327/ .  Each time I cry it feels I am giving him power.  I know that the tears now have a different meaning.  They are no longer tears of sadness and longing.  It is mostly tears of anger.

I tried my best not to reply.  I reached out to the one person that I felt would understand me best without judging any of my feelings.  I felt he would set me straight and convince me to continue to remain silent.  He was not available!  That is the problem with relying on others for strength.  What happens when they are not available or willing? So from now on complete reliance in me and the God within me!

So unfortunately I replied.  I know, I know, that was a temporary step back on my progress. But now it is done. And I cannot undo the past.

Here is the stupidity that I replied to him last night:

“If you only knew the extent of my pain! I don’t know from where the tears still come from.  You two look happy together! I wish you both only the best! May she make you happy like I was not able to! May you respect her like you you did not respect me!”

After 10 minutes I added: (yep, mistake number 2)

“I just wish I could understand what happened with the love you said you had for me.”

I sent the texts and went to bed crying.  I cried myself to sleep! I promise it is the last time!!

Of course he has not replied!  and I am okay with that.  I didn’t expect he would.  He doesn’t like to be questioned.  Any time I had any questions he would go into avoidance and silence mode. Yep, those should have been big clues.  I am also happy and relieved that he didn’t reply because I shouldn’t be having any conversations with him.

And of course I know better than to reply to him!  I know that he doesn’t know what love is! I know that he has no conscience of how he disrespected me!  And the most important:  It does not matter what answers he may be able to give me! Nothing will change!  I am over and done with that part of my life! I am better! In fact I should really thank him for letting me go.

***

But I think that all these happenings help me to continue to move forward!  Even if replying to his text was a mistake, I am not dwelling on that!

Amid all the pain and tears this weekend I had great moments!  I watched some great tennis matches!

Also I went out to dinner with a great guy.  We have gone out several times now and it has been a lot fun! Since I don’t want to jinx it I will refrain from writing too much about it at this moment!

I may end up having to eat my words when I wrote this:  http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/10-reasons-not-to-date-a-younger-guy/

(all images from Google images)