Tag Archives: money

Why am I judging? … am I perfect?

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!

… so I bought a banana!

21 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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This morning I am running out of my apartment to catch the train to work when in the middle of the hall I see a $5.00 bill.

I look around, bend down and pick it up.  Why did I look around first? I guess it felt a bit like stealing so one wants to make sure no one is looking, or perhaps I wanted to see if the rightful owner was coming back for it.

I hold the bill in my hand without knowing what to do next.  If it was a million dollars then I could begin dreaming, but $5.00 doesn’t exactly excite me. But that thought shames me, what if this $5 is all the person had?

Since is early morning I am thinking that perhaps the owner lost it last night after coming home drunk and fumbling with the keys. Or perhaps the guy, instead of drunk,  he was too tired from his 2 jobs.   Or perhaps it is not even a guy!

I do have a tendency to over think things some times, well, most of the time!

What am I am going to do? How can I find who lost it? Do I need to find who lost it? Do I leave it at the front desk?  It all seems a bit ridiculous!

I am talking to myself all of the 12 flights of stairs (yep I am feeling smug as I type this for no longer taking  the elevator. My butt and legs are beginning to show the effects of this new routine.  But we will talk about my butt and my legs in another post).

I am still unsure as to how to proceed and I am now thinking that finding this bill was a stroke of bad luck.  Perhaps I should have just left it there.  The owner may  come back to look for it.  But by now if I return I will miss my train.  So I continue down.

As I open the door to get out of the building I come face to face with Joe, the super. Yippie, luck is changing! He will know what to do for sure!

As I wave the bill I say: Joe, I found a $5.00 bill in my hall (I can feel the stress in my voice)

He replies: Good for you! It is yours!

Relief rushes through me.  I have been given permission to keep it and stop obsessing about it.

Me? Stop obsessing about something? Never! (I do think some obsessions are okay. For example I enjoy obsessing about love and, of late, one particular someone, but I would call that a healthy obsession since it motivates me and makes me happy.  My therapist, if I had one, on the other hand, would beg to differ – lol)

Now I am thinking that I should somehow use this money, which was never mine to begin with, for the good of somebody else.

I should just hand the money to the first homeless person I meet.  Of course is not that simple, what if that person is an addict and uses the money for drugs. (For the record I don’t think all homeless people are drug users and homeless by their own fault or anything like, this is just the way my mind was working this morning).  In that case I would be enabling them to continue with their addiction and end up causing more harm than good.

Then I think that instead of handing the money I should just buy them food, but then a memory comes to mind:  About 4 years ago I was on my way to dinner when I saw this homeless person lying on the side walk.  I felt guilt beyond belief that I was ready to go eat while somebody looked starving.  So I got to the restaurant, ordered food and took to the man. Instead of gratitude I got yelled at the top of his lungs: Get out of it here! Leave me alone! It both scared and scarred me; I thought he would attack me.  It occurred to me then that perhaps I don’t have the right to interfere with somebody’s lot in life, especially if I am doing more for my benefit then theirs.

I look at the bill again and it looks fake. Washed out. Oh gosh, I already can see myself being handcuffed and being taken to jail.

While the bill takes most of the thoughts in my mind, one thought slips in: I forgot my apple sitting on the counter at home!  So now I have to walk even faster to make sure I have time to grab one at the station.  This is shaping up to be not one of my best mornings.

I get there and the apples all looked bruised and past their prime.  But a banana catches my eye, it looks perfect! and I do remember a doctor telling me a long time ago that I lacked potassium and should eat one banana a day.

So I grab the banana, place on in the counter and the girl says: $1.50.  After my eyes come back into my face – $1.50 for a single banana!!! And it was not even that big!  I reach for my wallet and, as everyone could see this coming a mile away, my wallet is not there!  I have left my wallet in my tennis bag last night!

I hand the cashier the $5 bill praying that it works.  It does!

$3.50 to go …

 Moral of the story:  there is none! Well, perhaps I can spin it as I am so blessed that the Universe makes sure I have money for my daily fruit!

But this $5.00 got me thinking:

  1. Do I have a duty to find the owner of anything I find?  If money, what is the cutoff dollar amount? $5. $10?
  2. My contributions to society –  or lack of it!
  3. Who benefits more when you do good? You or the recipient?
  4. Is it still altruistic if you are doing mostly out of guilty?
  5. When is it help and when is it interference?

*******

Now on another note: How many of you thought this post was going to be about a whole different matter? Come on! I cannot be the only one with a dirty mind around here!   Yes I am feeling a little naughty this morning.  Even a nice girl like me has needs!