Tag Archives: miscommunications and misunderstandings

On, Off, or just dimmed?

21 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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While I was in Brazil B and I spoke every night.  We couldn’t wait to see each other again.

I arrived from Brazil on Tuesday morning.  This is a 9 and half hours flight.  All really started on Monday morning getting the covid test, praying for a negative result.  I get anxious imagining the worst.

After getting the negative result,  we finished getting ready and  drove over 4 hours to the airport.  At the airport, doing the checking in, getting a wheelchair for my 87 year old mother, then waiting another 3 hours to board the plane.  The flight left at 9pm and we got to JFK before 6am on Tuesday morning. Then proceed with the wheelchair, and getting through Immigration. 

I was nervous. My mom is a green card holder and she needs to come into the US at least every 6 months. She hasn’t been here in 3 years thanks to covid and health issues.  Still they could have given her a hard time, and my anxiety made me think of the worst: going for additional clearance and perhaps a court date to see a judge. Thankfully the agent was a joy and had no issues.

Then getting a car, getting home, unpacking, getting my mom settled, putting in a full day working from home. To me, the fact that I was at B’s house for dinner on Tuesday at 6pm was a sign that he was important to me.  I even skipped my Tuesday night mosaic studio time for him.  That should tell him something.  But he didn’t see it that way.

But let me back up a bit.  I got to his house and he had a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Gorgeous flowers!! The picture above doesn’t do them justice.

We had a great time, talking, eating and sipping wine.  All was fine, fun and yummy, until it was time for me to leave.  He acted shocked that I was leaving and not staying with him.  I was shocked that he was shocked.

I have stayed over twice before.  He assumed that after being away for 10 days I would.  Assumptions and expectations will kill a blossoming relationship faster than anything.

He proceeded to tell me how hurt and disappointment he was.  He said he didn’t feel important to me.  I didn’t know where all that was coming from.  I had already explained to him that in April and May I wasn’t going to have much time as I was going to Brazil for 10 days, get mom, she is staying here for 20 days, then I was going to go back to Brazil for another 20 days.

“You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart; imagine my heartbeat when you are in this state.” ― Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice‎

When I had mentioned that,  he had said that his daughter would be coming from college in May and that, indeed, it would be hard to spend much time together.  We both had agreed that we would make the most and best of it.

What happened? Did he forget about all of that?  Is this covid mental fogginess of mine preventing me from understanding this? Is he right?

He said that I was doing the same thing I did 5 years ago.  Five years ago when we had a few dates, my sister and my best friend had just arrived from Brazil to stay 1 month.  I had mentioned that for one month it would be tough to get together as I wanted to dedicate time to them. 

What he seems to forget is that, now, as well, as back then, I had just barely met him.  This relationship is not even 2 months old now.  It may seem harsh, but my family comes first at this point.  It is not a competition, which he seems to be doing.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

We went from flowers to tears in a matter of hours. My head is still spinning.  I am still confused and thinking that he is creating problems where there are none.

I cried talking to him, more out of frustration, than out of sadness.  It is frustrating that in one minute we are on the same page and all is fine, and the next minute all is upside down. We were even thinking long term, and such plans.

Timing is indeed everything. And for now I am not even sure where we are. Are we on, off or what?  I got home that night and texted him thanking him for dinner and flowers. He replied with good night.

Yesterday, I texted him saying I was confused, and asking him if we are on or off, or what.  He said he was sad and hurt, that he was looking forward to spending time with me and that he didn’t want to be off.  I said I didn’t either.

As I am about to hit Publish on this post he texted me.  I will save that for the next post.

“At times he felt that he had almost rather not be in love with her, for it brought him no peace. What was the use of it, if it was only going to be painful?” ― Larry McMurtry, Lonesome Dove

Still confused, but willing to wait and see

17 Tuesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.” ― Osho

G and I were supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night. After I had accepted his invitation I remembered I now have French classes on Thursdays. Then on the weekend he went to see his mother in another state. So it has been several days since we have seen each other.

This time apart is a good thing for both of us.  It help us reevaluate things.  I may see him tomorrow night for dinner.  If not, then I will definitely see him on Saturday.

In the meantime we have been texting daily, several times a day.  I wanted to talk about certain things in person, but I didn’t want to wait so one day a few days ago I asked all I wanted to ask via text.

By the end of that one day I was so emotionally drained, and I am not sure if we really got anywhere.  At least I got to say and ask all I wanted. I even complained that on Sunday he didn’t wake me up with fresh baked banana bread (something he keeps saying he does). I will just post a very brief summary here as I don’t want to emotionally exhaust everyone else.

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” – Margaret Atwood

I explained to him that our Saturday night together left me extremely disappointed and confused.  I felt unloved and unwanted.  I don’t believe I created these expectations out of thin air.  It was based on all he keeps saying and also on how our first 2 dates went.

I didn’t expect or want sex, but I expected and wanted tons of attention, romance and affection. Not to get even a kiss that was a little more than a peck was very confusing.

He said that he wanted to be respectful, and take things slow.  He felt that if we had started kissing on Saturday night it would have been hard to stop and we would probably do something we had agreed not to do.  I disagreed.  We are not kids, we can stop any time we want as we had stopped in the past.  In the end it feels like it is a battle of who is right, and that is so draining and pointless.

We agreed to disagree.  He apologized for the way he made me feel. Which makes me feel even worst now.  Now I feel like a beggar begging for affection.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”  – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

He also mentioned that we hadn’t spoken about being safe, sexually speaking.  I am glad he brought it up as I wanted to at some point when sex was going to be a certainty. It is weird how sex keeps coming up a lot and it is not even happening.  Chances are it will be a very long time before it does, if it does.

Safety first always.  Coming to each other at this late in life it means that we had partners before and were exposed to other people and perhaps diseases.  Every July I get a clean bill of health from my doctor. I expect him to do the same.  I am too old to take unnecessary chances.

He talked too much about giving me pleasure and affection, but he meant down the road.  I want it now. Talking so much about how the future will be amazing sets us both for disappointment.  I mentioned to him I am like a 5 year old.  Don’t tell me you are taking me to Disneyland unless it is happening right now.  I cannot handle waiting for something that may or may not come.

He is also stuck on saying that he believes that it is better to like someone’s mind first, that love and chemistry will come. That is again confusing to me, as in the beginning he gave me the impression that he found me very attractive.  Now it seems he likes my mind and everything else more than my body.

I believe that you have to be attracted to someone physically first.  I believe that loving somebody’s intelligence, sense of humor, etc is never enough. Chemistry is the glue. He said that his longest relationship of 13 years the lady was not even his type at first.  He grew to love her.  That fact does not bring me peace as he expected it would. It seems forced.  It seems he knows I an amazing person and expects to grow to love me.  It is just not how I believe it should go, or it is.

I guess I just want to hear that he finds me beautiful and attractive.  In the end I am just a girl.

“It is not worth the while to let our imperfections disturb us always.”  – Henry David Thoreau

At the end of the day I know he is a great person.  We will continue to see each other and talk about our needs and wants.  I think he will continue to be in my life, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps more.  At this point I have no interest in being online and going on other dates.

Now to another point.  This whole situation also serves to highlight the fact that I am just not happy with my body at the moment.  I seem to be wanting other’s validation.  I want him to tell me I am perfect.  I have a mirror.  I know the truth.  While I do look great for my age, I know I could be better if I applied myself.  Knowing that I am not even trying at this moment is what is the most disheartening about myself.  I keep complaining and I don’t do anything about it.

Well, there is no sense in beating myself up.  I will make more of an effort from now on. I will be watchful to see if my actions are corresponding to how I want to be.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” – Lao Tzu

 

I rather have an amazing cookie than a so-so date

08 Friday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Empire State Building

The writer

We had a second date. We met for a drink at the rooftop bar at the Strand Hotel. You can see by the picture above the awesome view of the Empire State Building

The bar is small and normally full of tourists that may or may not be staying at hotel. On this night, a Monday, it was pretty quiet.

I got there and he was already seated waiting for me. He was in a very sharp looking gray suit with no tie. He had been attending a conference.

He is very nice, but perhaps a bit on the shy, introvert side.  I seem to be the one that has to be introducing conversation topics.

I can tell he likes my company and I like his, but I am not sure why the quiet times.  Perhaps the issue is more on me having a problem with silence. Any silence more than a few seconds and I am already asking a question to fill in the space.

On dates I have been trying to be okay with silence and have the man direct the conversation.  I am failing miserably at that.

He had 2 drinks and I had one. After almost 2 hours he suggested we leave and walk to the station. One block away from the train station he asked if I was hungry and wanted to have dinner. It caught me off guard as I was already in my “going home” frame of mind.

I figured that if he wanted to get something to eat we could have done so at the bar, so I was a bit confused.  I just said that I wasn’t necessarily hungry but I can always eat, but I also said I think I should just go home, or something like that.

It would have been nice to grab some dinner with him but I was a bit tired of being in charge of the conversation.

We mostly talked about writing.  He has a couple of novels published.  I mentioned the joys of blogging and suggested he should do that to connect to other writers.

I am not sure there will be a third date.  I am leaving the door open, but I want him to do the talking.

Why does silence makes me uncomfortable?

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Kahlil Gibran

The 34 yr old accountant

We have been texting since the first date and were scheduled to meet tonight to go get cookies at Levain Bakery.  I also have to meet him to pay off a $5.00 bet.

On Monday I had already mentioned to him that dating wouldn’t be a good idea because of the age difference and that we were going to meet as friends.

He said that he was not concerned about the age.  He has been trying to convince me otherwise.

Due to communication issues we will not be meeting tonight and perhaps never again.

On Monday he was sick at home. On Tuesday he said he was bored at work with nothing to do. He confirmed that Thursday was the best day for him to meet.  Yesterday (Wednesday) he said he was having a busy day. Today at 2 pm I texted him to confirm place and time to meet.

He asked if we could meet tomorrow. I said that I already had plans and that we could try getting together a day next week.

Back and forth emails ensued.  At one point he said that if I was not so insistent in meeting at 5 pm then perhaps he could do it.

That came out of nowhere.  I was never insistent on 5 pm. What I say to all the guys when talking about scheduling a date is that I can make myself available as early as 4 pm.  the good thing about texting is that I have that in writing.  We have met before on a Friday at 5:30 because he said that was the best time for him.

I don’t expect everyone to be able to meet that early so I often stay in the office and work while waiting to meet someone at a better time for them.

I said to him that he should have told me about the timing issue before today so we could have cleared that up and not wait until I contacted him on meeting day to say something.

Eventually he said I was right and that he was not being fair to me.  He said that he would make it work and we should still meet.  I said that work should come first and that I would feel guilty if he was skipping work to meet me.

He kept insisting on meeting but by then I was already turned off about meeting tonight.  So I came home early and made myself a good meal.

I still want the big yummy cookies from Levain Bakery though!

“Words are the source of misunderstandings.”  – Atonie De Saint-Exupery

I try to be completely honest and communicate clearly.  Still I have a lot miscommunication with a lot of my dates.  I sometimes annoy people because I want to clarify things. I guess I need to get better at it, specially with texting, so many things get assumed.

As far as the age difference I just realized as I write this that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we had some more things in common, other than just being chemically attracted to each other.  I know I am not interested in a just purely physical relationship.

Or am I?

Levain cookies