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Every other time we meet he brings me flowers or has them waiting for me at his house. The above is from last night.

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” ― Leo Tolstoy

Life has been crazy, so I haven’t been able to come here and give you guys an update on my relationship with B. (this will be another post written in a hurry, so I beg forgiveness in advance)

It has been a rollercoaster.  One day we are well and on track to celebrate month 3, and the next we are done.  The major problem between us continues to be him wanting more time than what I can give him.  He becomes frustrated, and I become annoyed at his lack of understanding.

Nothing has changed for me. My mother is a priority while she is in town, but still I manage to see him twice a week, meeting at a restaurant or going to his house for dinner.

Last night we made tacos to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and to say good bye, as we will not be seeing each other until the end of the month. He is leaving tomorrow to pick up his daughter in college.  I am leaving to go to Brazil on Tuesday and will stay there until the end of the month.

Last night was a lot fun and we appear to be a good place again. He says, and acts like, he is crazy about me. I am not crazy about him at this point.  I like him a lot and I see potential, and that is what I answered when he asked me if I will ever like him as much as he likes me.

He actually asked: “Will you ever fall in love with me?”

How does anyone answer that?  I said:” That is the plan, but only time will tell”.  Not the answer he wanted, but the truth.

“A mighty pain to love it is,
And ‘t is a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.”
― Abraham Cowley, The Poems of Abraham Cowley

Today he texted me to ask if I could change my plans and meet him tonight again. For a second I thought to myself, here we go again.   When I said I couldn’t, I was waiting for him to start complaining about it, but I am glad that he understood.  Progress!

I think my life at this point is much busier than his, and he is focusing all his free time on me.  He enjoys being in a relationship and being romantic. I am still navigating those.

At this point I am just too busy with making sure that mom is having fun, going to casinos, shopping, visiting and hosting friends. I am also juggling work from home and at the office trying to get it all under control so I can work from Brazil for the rest of the month. 

On top of it all my assistant has cancer and will start treatment while I am in Brazil. The good thing thing is that it was caught early and is treatable, but still she needs to have surgery and go through radiation. My work life has gotten a bit more difficult.

I have a lot on my plate so I need someone understanding and not demanding. I made a point of telling him that my life is always busy, and my mother travels here twice a year, so he should expect to deal with this same situation periodically. Of course, if we are still together in 6 months when my mom returns, then I will introduce them.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

I am scared of how much he likes me.  Does he like ME or just the idea of me?  Will I ever match his intensity?  Above it all I do not want to hurt him. I can take pain and disappointment, but for some reason I think everyone around me is fragile, and in need of protection.

I am going to continue doing what I am doing, which is being completely honest. With him and myself.  I will not tell him what he wants to hear, if my heart is not feeling it.

I will continue to have fun, and laugh, embrace life and stop creating unnecessary drama. I am going to fully enjoy the attention, romance and the flowers that he gives. 

I will have an open mind and open heart, to hear and embrace the love and sweet nothings, and I will try to be as still and quiet as I can, as often as I can,  so I can hear my soul’s guidance.

 He just send me the song below. 

“And I can’t be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight.” ― J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey