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Blessed with a Star on the Forehead

Monthly Archives: May 2019

Comings and goings and staying put

30 Thursday May 2019

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, travels

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Brazil and back, busy living, City Island, gardens and sculptures, Glen Island Park, Pepsico Gardens, Stephen King

Pepsico Gardens

Hi friends, it has been a little awhile.

I went to Brazil in April, stayed 10 days and then brought Mom to the NY for her semiannual visit.  With Mom here there wasn’t a moment to spare.  We did the usual trips to the casino and to various stores, while juggling work stuff.

I went back to Brazil in May to take mom home. I stayed one week. While in Brazil I normally take time to organize something around my parent’s house, always wanting to make things easier and more practical for them.  I also receive the visit of many friends that stop by to say hello. It does get tiring.

The day following my return to NY 2 cousins arrived for a short vacation.  They stayed at my apartment 3 days.  It was non-stop.  Since they don’t like shopping we mostly went to parks and restaurants.  We visited the Pepsico Gardens (The Donald M. Kendall Sculpture Gardens) – absolutely beautiful; and Glen Island Park – my local park right by the water.  We also went bowling, ate at a Colombian restaurant among others, and went to City Island in search of relative (more on that later).

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” ― Stephen King

With all that going on, still there is work to deal with.  The audit is not over yet, but so far the questions they have been asking has to do with the brokers and not with financials or any of the other areas I deal with.  We also hired 2 new employees and with that I have a little more on my plate to get them on-board.

There will also be changes coming up at work that should be better for me but I am still not sure how it will all work out.  I will be talking more about that in the upcoming months.

On the flight to Brazil in May when I got to my seat there was an envelope.  It was a handwritten note from the lead flight attendant.  In it she was thanking me on behalf of Delta for my loyalty.  I know it is just a note but I really felt special and put a smile on my face. You go Delta!!

D. and I managed to see each other for dinner on May 10th. We will see each other one evening this week. He slashed the price of his house by hundreds of thousands to try to sell it quick, but so far no takers.  As I may have mentioned previously, his divorce is not happening until this house is sold.

In the meantime I haven’t gone on any dates with anyone else.  I just didn’t have the time. I have time to go on a date, but not for all the work and research involved with online dating. I plan on diving back into dating now.  I fear waiting for D. and nothing ever happening; or even worst, him becoming free and I realizing that I am not really into him.

“It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”  ― Henry David Thoreau

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Eliminating the distractions

09 Thursday May 2019

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

be clear about goals, clean up the past, clear goals, married men, me first, more focus, some men are distractions

“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” ― Winston S. Churchill

Distractions comes in all shapes and sizes and varieties.  One of the major distractions for me are people.  They cloud my vision.  They provide instant, but temporary gratification.  They feed my attention seeking self.  They come in and out of my life whenever they please and they keep me from focusing on the important things and people.

They are not to blame.  I am to blame.  I leave the door open.  I welcome them.  It is like I am willing to re-read the same book over and over again, knowing that I am going to hate the ending.

And time and time again, they disappear, leaving behind the certainty that they should never have returned to begin with.  That I should never have welcomed them.

“Stop letting other people hijack your day.” ― Frank Sonnenberg

Right now there are 3 men that I can think of that I allow to mess with my feelings and life with these comings and goings.  This is mostly in texting and phone calls, but the disturbance is there no matter what.  And the feeling that I shouldn’t be talking to them is also there.

There is AL, the very young one that still populates my wildest imaginations.  I have written about him a few times. I am always in search of permission to go ahead and talk to him, even though he is married and we always end up in very racy flirty texts. He comes in and all of a sudden we are both reliving the past in texts that do nothing except frustrate me.

I haven’t seen AL since he got married (almost 2 years ago).  I think we both realized that meeting would lead to disaster.

“How tragic it is to find that an entire lifetime is wasted in pursuit of distractions while purpose is neglected.” ― Sunday Adelaja

Then there is JW.  Someone I also wrote about it here.  We never seemed to be single at the same time.  With him there is no sexual tension but there is always that “what if” permeating every conversation.  And then there was that one time when he called me out of the blue and said “I will always love you”.  It blew my mind.  Yeah, I fall those lines.

With JW there is no flirty texts or such things.  With him is more intelligent phone conversations, but still my mind and hearts races.

I haven’t seen JW since he started going out with the woman that is now his wife.  We talk about meeting for a drink to talk about business and writing, but it never happened.

Then there is FL.  He doesn’t resurface often, but when he does he makes me feel like the most wanted woman in the Universe.  I bask in his attention.  I never wanted him in the first place.  Then he returns after so long and my mind starts playing tricks on me.  He planned meetings that never happened.  He laid low for a couple of weeks and now has returned again.

“Frequently we do not leave the past behind. We clasp on to it. We dissect it, and let fears for the future, tempered by the past, unconsciously prevent us from taking up the task eternal.” ― Ray Simpson

In all these 3 cases, even though it involves different dynamic and history, I now realize that I am not a player, I am the toy.  Things are not as fun when you realize that.  I thought that all was fine because I was aware of what I was doing and I had no intention of having an affair with any of them. I saw them all as fun and entertainment, something to distract my mind from the stress of work.

Then I realized that I was doing myself more harm than good.  These innocent flirting are not so harmless after-all.  By entertaining ideas of things that would never happened (having an affair) I was detracting my focus and energy from all that is really important, from the people that come into my life for the right reasons.

Leaving the door always open to the past is a huge mistake.  The past is the past and should stay there.  Perhaps I should just revisit to remind myself of mistakes I should not repeat.

“We rarely find answers in the distractions. But oh what possibilities live within the quiet of solitude.   In my fear to be alone, I distracted myself away from
the deep beauty of my own solitude.” ― Scott Stabile

I have asked myself if were they fully committed to being with me would I want them?  I think the answer is no.  I only seem to want them because they are unavailable.

With all of them I keep thinking that we could be friends, but we can’t really.  I have this fantasy idea of friends for life.  I need to grow up.  Just because somebody had a page in a chapter of my life it doesn’t mean that they have to have a role in the rest of the book.  I get to write it the way I want it with the characters I want.

I decided to get off this hamster wheel.  It hasn’t been easy.  I thought about writing to them and explaining myself but decided against it.  JW called last week.  I hadn’t hear from him in probably 3 or 4 months.  I didn’t answer the phone.  AL texted yesterday.  First text since March 8th.  I have not replied. FL sent messages yesterday and today.

Today I blocked them all.  Time to clean up.  It is tough as these men have been such a huge part of my life and history for so long.  A couple of times I went back and unblocked them.  But now I am standing firm and putting myself first.

I need to make sure that my actions are in line with my goals.

“We lead our lives so poorly because we arrive in the present always unprepared, incapable, and too distracted for everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

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When the child becomes the parent

01 Wednesday May 2019

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

back from Brazil, doing the best that I can, elderly parents, life is finite, waiting game

“The value of a moment is immeasurable. The power of just ONE moment can propel you to success and happiness or chain you to failure and misery.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was in Brazil for 10 days and got back to New York on Friday.  I love going but I love returning even more.  I miss my routine, even the craziness of work.  There is comfort in routine.

On Monday I alerted the auditors that I was back but so far I have not heard anything from them.  I guess they are working on some other firm at the moment.  I just want to be finished and not have it hanging over my head.

My mom again returned with me to stay a couple of weeks.  Mom is 84 today.  She looks amazing.  She has taken great care of herself.  No wrinkles!  But unfortunately her health is not equally that great.

She has to take a lot medication for different ailments.  I am used to her being non-stop, a total dynamo.  It is sad to see that she is not the same energetic person she used to be.  That gives me a lot pause and gets me thinking about my own life and future.

I think she is a good mirror for me to base my actions on.  Seeing her deteriorate reminds me to not to waste time, energy, youth and a healthy body.  This life cycle is finite.

My mom now reminds me to live my life to the fullest, to have more fun, to do more, make more mistakes, celebrate life.

Now that mom’s health is not that great I feel like a parent to a child I never had.  I don’t mean that in a bad way.  I just worry and try to do all I can to make her life easier.  Unlike a child, an older parent gets more dependent as time goes by.

While mom is in town I am getting into work at 6 am and trying to leave at 1pm so she is not alone for long.   So far it has worked.

I am focusing on the blessing of still having my parents!  I am focusing on doing all that I can to make my parent’s life comfortable and still fun.  All the rest are mere details.

Bye, we are now off to the casino 🙂

“Everybody seems to be doing different things but actually they do the same thing: They try to survive in this world, each with their own style!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

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