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“To wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect” ― Jane Austen

Following up my last post where I mentioned the date with P. I was still thinking about his behavior.  I think that it bothered me even more than I was willing to admit.  I needed to get back to him with a yes or no in regards to the second date.  So I decided that honesty was the best policy and flat out asked him about it.

I emailed him: “Why would you hurry and get your food before I got there and not offer to get me my coffee?

Here is his reply: “I apologize for what appeared rude or improper behavior.  Frankly, what’s appropriate these days is not so clear as it used to be.  I wasn’t sure if it was going to be just a drink and conversation, or something more like a  mini meal.  I was very hungry so I had some choices.  If I ordered something that took time to cook, but I didn’t know how far away you were, either I’d have time to eat fast, or you’d show up close to when I got my food, so I would wait for you to get what you wanted.

When it comes to buying your coffee, food or whatever, this is a meeting, not a date(as some women have said to me!), so it seems fair and “modern” to just each of us do our own thing. The old way, the guy always buying, has a touch of “She owes me now” to it, especially in this time when #metoo has emerged. I am trying to tread lightly, not be aggressive or overbearing or make you in any way feel “obligated” to me. Maybe I’m overdoing it. Maybe I’m overanalyzing. All I can say is it’s not easy being a guy sometimes! lol 

Yes…I probably could have let all our conversations be that “first meeting” and treated this more like a first date.  But if we both had actually felt exactly like that, we probably would have been locked lip to lip in a lengthy goodbye kiss on the sidewalk. “

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami

That answer didn’t make everything all better.

Manners and chivalry are always appropriate, that to me is clear as a bell.  It sounded like he really thought about how to get his food so that he didn’t have to buy mine. He knew I was just a couple minutes away.  I am thinking he was being just cheap.

I think many men are coming up with the excuse that the first date is just a meeting and therefore they don’t need to pay for anything.  For the women that say that I think they don’t want to be stuck with someone they don’t like.  I understand and don’t want to judge, but for me the first date is the first date.  I only agree to meet people that I think could at least be a friend.  If I don’t want to sacrifice an hour or 2 of my time I just don’t agree to meet the person period.

I don’t care where we meet, at the park or the library, but if he chooses a coffee shop I expect that he is paying for my coffee. After all I got my hair done, nails done, I am wearing perfume.  Everyone is making an effort to put their best foot forward or so I hope.

#metoo?  Really?  He is going to use that?  What does that have to do with a cup of coffee?

Why would I think I owe the guy anything because he paid for my coffee?  To me it is just a kind gesture.  It sounds to me that he is the one that has expectations when he does anything for a woman.

We had been exchanging emails for over 3 months on a daily basis.  I expected more.  I expected a cup of coffee and it seems that he expected passionate kisses.

We exchanged a couple of emails after the one above.  I politely declined the second date and wished him luck.

And so it goes…

“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.” ― Stephen R. Covey