Monthly Archives: April 2018

Mentally refreshed, physically exhausted and seeing everything with new eyes!

26 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

My plan for this trip to Brazil was to just relax, read and spend time with family.  I go to Brazil at least twice a year, so it has become a routine.  When things become a routine we no longer give the proper appreciation or care to it.  I am blessed to be able to go see my family twice a year.  I know so many people that haven’t seen their parents in years.

Noticing I was becoming blase about it I decided a change of attitude was needed.  I decided to not see it as routine but as a brand new blessing.  I came across that Marcel Proust quote above and sent it to a friend that I knew would appreciate it and support me on this new attitude.

Armed with my new attitude I get to the airport and come face to face with this writing on the wall (in the picture below) at my departing gate.  It seems even the airport is trying to open and refresh my eyes.  Indeed the message is: new eyes, new way to see things.

At the gate for my flight to Brazil

I am not sure I have been 100% successful in seeing Brazil with new eyes. I am a firm believer that recognizing that change is needed and working towards it is in itself a success. The key is moving forward towards your intended goal, the speed at which you do it is less important.

With new resolve and resolution one needs to be constantly reminded to make sure not to fall back into old patterns, views and actions.  Every morning I greet the world with gratitude and I tell myself: It is a brand new day, full of brand new blessings, go out and find and see them!

How about we all start looking at everything with new eyes? How about we don’t assume we already know the outcome of something even if we have performed it 100 times before?  Let’s be in the moment and allow every new moment to surprise us! 

Let’s look at people with new eyes and give them a chance to reintroduce themselves. I am not the person I was yesterday, why do I assume others are still the same?

“Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I spent time with my family but there was no reading or resting.  My brother is moving to a house in the back of my mother’s house. I spent every waking hour helping him get that house cleared up and ready to move in.  That little house had become storage space for anything that was no longer wanted.

At the end of the day I was so physically exhausted that I couldn’t think about doing anything other than going to sleep.  For the first time ever I didn’t log into work.  I didn’t check the bank for payments.  I didn’t check emails for customer’s requests.

This is also the first time that I have been told that I look refreshed and happier after returning from a trip. I do love manual labor, the dirtier and messier something is the more I enjoy cleaning.  I let my mind go and focus on the labor at hand.  It is totally cathartic to me.

“Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”  – Meister Eckart

And here is an odd thing: I didn’t have hives a single time in Brazil. I have had them every day since I have returned.  In Brazil I didn’t follow the gluten free diet I had been trying to follow. I ate whatever I wanted. Does that mean that the hives is not related to what I am eating?  Is it pollution, something at work,  something in my apartment, perhaps it is a combination of factors?  I am continuing to write down all I eat in an effort to pinpoint the culprit.  I do know that stress is a major contributing factor.

My brother’s move is a great thing. My parents are older so they need more assistance and is a great relief to have him near them.

I am blessed to still have my parents. My dad is 80 and still going strong after battling cancer.  He lost a leg to it but he is now stronger than ever.  My mom is turning 83 and even after battling depression and other issues stemming from a mild stroke she is doing amazing.  She doesn’t look anywhere near her age.

As usual every time I go to Brazil my mother returns with me and stays for a couple of weeks.  For her birthday on May 1st we will be spending a couple of days at Foxwoods Casino in CT.  Mom being here means eating, gambling and shopping, but I am trying to pace myself.  Here is to a next several days of celebration and fun!!

“Life is nothing to be very serious about. Life is a ball in your hands to play with. Don’t hold on to the ball.”- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

***

 

I am a beautiful grateful mess

13 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I am mess!  I am a beautiful blessed mess!  There is a difference.  There is a big difference.

I have so much to write about.  Unfortunately time has been escaping from me lately.  I leave for Brazil on Saturday and I am trying to leave it all perfect and organized.  I should know better.  Nothing is ever perfect and as organized as I would like.  I just need to be okay with “almost” almost perfect, almost organized.

I apologize in advance for the errors and for the length of this post.

First some dating updates:

The widower is still in the picture but barely. It is disappointing really how.   I wish I had the time to go into detail, and I will try to do it in the future.  For now I will just say that the cause of things cooling down was financial. He hinted that he had spent too much money on me for the first and second date.   That caused me to cancel the 3rd date.  He apologized, and asked for another chance, for another date to talk things through.  I said I would think about it.  We are still texting and he still a nice person.  I get it he was trying to impress me but I don’t need to know that he thinks he overspend.  Of course now he is trying to take it all back but the damage is done.   Perhaps when I return from my trip we will meet and talk things out.  He is still a nice guy, perhaps just a little rusty on the dating department.  We still text every day.

The data architect and I still text and we will be going on a date when I return.  He asked me out a few times, but I have been too busy to accept.  He has been very understanding of my lack of time.  Even if we don’t work romantically I think we can be great friends.

The litigation attorney calls every now and then.  He had to cancel date last week due to a family emergency out of town.  We may get together when I return but I am not so sure.  At this point we have been friendly but I don’t think that we have much of a connection, even for a friendship.

I have been texting  2 other guys: A real estate broker and an Union worker.  I will probably meet them when I return.  I look forward to meeting them.

Even though it may seem I talk to too many guys I find this exchange of ideas, energy and this world of possibility such a source of distraction and even a calm in the chaos that my life is sometimes.

***

I physically feel like a mess.  My body seems to be revolting against me.  It started with the issues with the teeth/gums and the chronic hives.  Then the dizziness and nausea.  Now my right eye is a bit swollen and red on the outer corner.  It is not really painful. At times I feel that something is off.   Then a rash that appeared on my thigh hasn’t gone away and a similar one has appeared on the both sides of my neck.

It seems I turned 52 and my body totally gave up.

What and what I am doing:

Gums/Teeth:  Yesterday I saw a new dentist.  When I got my records from my old dentist I was floored when I calculated how much I had spent on my teeth.  With this one dentist alone since 1999 I spent over $35,000.00.  Now add to that work done prior to 1999 and the work done in Brazil as every time I go to Brazil I get at least a cleaning.  I think it is safe to say I have spent around $50,000 on my teeth and none of it is cosmetic.

I have already a procedure scheduled for when I return from Brazil.  We will be trying to save one of the implants in lower back right side.  The tooth and gum on the front tooth unfortunately I have been told  that I need to wait to finish healing and I have to learn to live with it as there is not much that can be done at this point.

Chronic Hives: The allergist, the dermatologist and the internist all say they can’t find a reason/source and that I should just take an over the counter allergy pill every morning.  I haven’t done that yet.  I want to find the reason and not just pacify the symptoms.

The rash: I thought it was hives but this rash on my left hip is around for the past month. The skin doctor gave me a prescription for a cortisone cream and offered to do a biopsy if doesn’t get better.  I used the cream for a couple of days but half of the time I forget. Now I have a similar rash on my right hip and on both sides of my neck.  I have removed a chain with a cross that I always used and have stopped using lotions and perfume.

The dizziness and the nausea:  I have noticed that I am getting them when I am about to get my period.  This is a new thing but at least it seems to have a reason.  Menopause perhaps? oh the joys of being a woman and aging.

Red/swollen Eye:  I am not sure what it is, perhaps some kind of allergy.  I don’t have the energy and the time to go to a doctor now. When I get to Brazil if it doesn’t magically get better I will see a doctor there.

Thoracic Outlet Syndrome: I really have done nothing about that other than some cupping and acupuncture sessions.  I stopped some of the light weight training I was doing and doing pranks every night and it seemed to get better.  I know that it is not the answer.  I need to have a better solution that just stopping the exercise I was doing.

Hip pain:  I just learned to live with it.  One can get used to anything in live including pain.  I know the exercises I need to do from when I had physical therapy for it.  I just need to get my act together and do them consistently.

My natural doctor friend things that if I cut gluten out of my life and follow an anti-inflammation diet that a lot of what ails me physically will go away.

I did a saliva test from a kit that he gave to me and it showed that I am highly sensitive to gluten.  I was afraid that he was going to say that sugar was the devil in my life but he says that gluten is actually the worst villain.

I am also keeping a food and symptoms journal.  Writing down all I eat and how I feel should help me understand more what is happening to my body and perhaps the source of the itching.

I am also changing all detergent, lotions, etc to more natural hypo-allergenic options.  I am even considering removing the carpeting I have in my bedroom.

My friend also wants me to meditate, do more fun things, drink tea, etc.  I agree, I know stress has a lot to do with it all.  If it is not the cause, it certainty exacerbates it. I have been feeling under constant stress at work and at home.

***

Still, I am so insanely, immensely blessed.   The list of what ails me is long but it is so incredibly small when compared to the list of all my blessings.  I never lose sight of how blessed I am.  So much more to be thankful for that to cry about it.

This is a phase.  This is such a big chance to change my life around and focus on my health and all that is really important to me.

This is a reminder to be grateful and to say thanks.  So Thank you God and the Universe for all the light that shines on me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be better.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A kiss, a song and a third date

04 Wednesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.”  – Vincent van Gogh, The Letters of Vincent van Gogh

Update on the post entitled “3 Last Dates”:

The attorney.  We met again one night when I was out with my sister and a friend.  We are supposed to go out for a drink this week.

I suspect he is on the cheaper side as he says:  “let’s go for a drink, something simple, not complicated”.  I think that “not complicated” means cheap.

I don’t need a guy to spend money on me but when he is going out of his way to be cheap this early on it makes me wonder what will happen later on in the relationship.

Clearly he likes me, so I am not sure why he doesn’t want to go to dinner and spend more time together. Perhaps I am just spoiled because most of my dates include dinner.

I am still not sure how I feel about him but I figure there is no harm in meeting a third time.

The data architect.  He seems like a great guy, always keeping in touch.  He has been trying to see me but we haven’t been able to set a date.  I have been busy with my sister and a friend.  When I was free he had to go away for business.

He just returned to town today and texted me mentioning we should get together.  I need to choose an evening to meet.

I am still not sure how I feel about him.  I will probably meet up for a second time if we find the time.

The Real Estate Agent

We exchanged a few messages after that first date, but then he just faded away.  I think he expected me to contact him.  I didn’t.  I wan’t that interested and didn’t want to lead him on.

“What should I possibly have to tell you, oh venerable one? Perhaps that you’re searching far too much? That in all that searching, you don’t find the time for finding?” – Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

In the meantime I met somebody else.  He is 10 years older than I am. He was a software salesman but now makes money by trading stocks.

We almost didn’t meet.  We were scheduled to meet a couple of months ago but the day before the date he texted me and said that he was dating somebody else.  I was confused as he had just confirmed the date the prior day.  He said he couldn’t date more than one person.

I was not happy but said ok and wished him luck.

Last week I received a message on Match from a guy asking me if I wanted to try meeting again.  I assumed that he was just a guy that I had passed on earlier.  Feeling like he deserved a second chance for reaching out again I said okay without looking at his profile.

Later when I looked at his profile I realized who he was.  Had I realized he was that guy that had canceled on me I would have probably ignored him

I normally never choose the place for the first date but since he insisted that he owed me a nice dinner and there was a new restaurant in my town I wanted to go to I decided to take him up on it and chose it.

We went to a bistro called Vento that serves Italian Coastal cuisine.  I had the branzino with artichoke, tomato and olive sauce, which the chef tried to talk me out of it telling me to choose a more delicate sauce.  I was very happy with my choice.  For dessert I had the key lime tart and it was delicious.

My date was well dressed and charming.  He is a widower having lost his wife last summer.  He seems ready to date but I am not sure. He seems a bit too eager.  Did he really like me that much?

For the second date which happened 3 days later we went to Erminia, a small candlelit Roman restaurant in NY city.  I had fish again and it was good but nothing special.  I had eggplant as an appetizer, again it was okay.  For dessert I had berries and cream.  The meal was good but I expected a little more for the price and setting.  The service though was impeccable.  We were there for hours and never felt rushed.

The conversation was great.  He complimented me many times.  He was polite, thoughtful, honest, charming, an all around great person.

We are supposed to go out this Thursday.  He seems to like me too much.  Yes, there is such a thing when you just meet someone.  It makes me want to run.  I told him to continue meeting other people as I will do the same.  He says he has no interest in meeting anybody else and rather focus on me. He says if it doesn’t work between us then he will go back to Match.  I made sure he knows that I will remain on the site and will date others until I decide to focus on one person.

I have been over-excited about guys on the first few dates in the past only to be left extremely disappointed.  I am not doing that again even if I feel it could go somewhere.  I rather go slow and use the “wait and see” approach.

At the end of the second date when he dropped me off I leaned over to give him a kiss good night on the cheek, he turned and it became a little more than that.  It was good even though I had gum in my mouth.  I wouldn’t mind kissing him again.  In fact I want to kiss him again.

One day after the second date he wrote me a song and send me the video.  It was a fun song, really creative, talking about having me in his mind all the time.  He composes, sings and plays the guitar.  He used to be in a band in the past.  His voice is beautiful. I can’t help but feel special. No one has ever written me a song before.

Slowly and cautiously I proceed.  And I still search knowing fully well that what I search will eventually find me.  When I least expect it will slowly walk in and easily, peacefully win my heart. Or perhaps not.  Perhaps it will crash in, cause a major disturbance and just consume me whole. It will be awesome either way!  It will happen, I believe!

“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”  – Herman Hesse, Siddhartha