J, the guy mentioned here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ called me 3 weeks ago.
We say hello to each other normally once or twice a year. It is always nice catching up. He always asks me about my writing and I ask about his. He was writing some screenplays. It is always a friendly conversation and never more than that. That is until a couple of weeks ago when he got in touch via Whatsup.
After catching up for a little bit he started reminiscing about the time when we first met and our train rides years ago. I didn’t back away from it or stopped him from going down memory lane. I enjoyed that innocent time in the train and was glad that he thought of them the same way I did.
I also remember that he got emotional when I chose to give the friendship back then a break. I didn’t think it was wise to continue socializing in the train since we were developing feelings for each other and he was married. Looking back I probably wanted him to say he would get divorced. He didn’t. I started taking a different train and eventually I met EX (the one that broke my heart).
It is so interesting for me to look back at that post and read about being upset that he was having a baby. This blog really helps me to see how far I have come. And in some instances, how I barely moved.
This time he mentioned he was in another state interviewing for a job. After many years in a steady job, he quit and took a somewhat high profile job, which he almost immediately quit. I was shocked at his quitting but understood his reasons. I won’t mention much more about that as I want to make sure this cannot be traced back to him.
This time he was overly sentimental saying he missed me and missed what we had in the past, which to be honest, what we had was a big “What If”. What we had was the idea that if we were free we could be together and have this great love story. We were never free at the same time to see if anything would ever come of it.
The reason why I bring all this up is that he said something that truly surprised me. He said: “I will always love you”. I was speechless. I was shocked. I know he always liked me and I always liked him, but love is a whole different ball game. We never used the word love before.
I struggled for a reply. He insisted: I really mean it.
What does one say to that? I can’t say the same back to him. I don’t love him or ever loved him. I think I just changed the subject. Before hanging up he said that we would meet up for a drink to celebrate my birthday. Then he said: no, we are not going to wait that long, let’s meet before then.
Did I think we would meet up? I knew he would ask me and I wanted to be strong and say no. The question to me was if I would be able to say no.
The joke was on me. I didn’t hear from him again. My birthday came and went and he forgot to even mention it. Of course I know this is for the best. I know it, and he probably knows it too. He is married. I am bored. Not a great combination. When we spoke he was emotionally drained from job hunting. I know I was a relief, I was a distraction.
I don’t want to be someone’s distraction. I don’t want a married man. I don’t want drama. We often mistake drama for excitement.
I wanted to write about it here just to illustrate how a smart person like me that knows better, can get tempted by hearing just a few charming words. I am not blaming him. I am not blaming anyone. I am just reaffirming what I know: I have to guard myself and my feelings.
And once again I remind myself: Believe in actions, no words!