Monthly Archives: July 2017

Be nice and say good bye, don’t just disappear!

21 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” – Michael J. Fox

I struggle.  I struggle with not having answers. I need them! I want them!

I struggle with not having good byes.  I struggle with disappearing acts. I struggle with ghosting. Why would someone just fade without a reason?

I don’t want to force people to stay.  I want them to leave if they feel the need to leave.  Stay or go, just tell me what you are doing and I will wish you luck.

It is not the leaving, it is how the leaving is done. It is sudden and unexpected. And in as much it is sudden it is also slow and painful.  The days drag on and you wonder if this is really the end or is the person going to surface and just say they were busy with work, their dog died, they had amnesia, etc.

Ghosting is not only not fair, it is also cruel!  It doesn’t matter how much I have learned, grown and evolved I still need and want answers.  It doesn’t matter how much I don’t care about the person or if they are actually doing me a favor by disappearing, I still want answers.

Disappearance is such a cowardly act. Why not just say good bye?  Why not come up with some excuse if you cannot reveal the truth?  The curiosity gnaws at me.  I want to know why people just disappear.  Is it just easier?

What would happen if everyone in the dating world told the truth, no matter how inconsequential or painful?  Or even better, what if everyone were to become a little bit more honest with everyone in every dealing?  Would we have a better world or chaos?  More harmony or more hurt feelings?

As you can see I am still looking for answers from that “wonderful” man I met.  For a while I still thought he would return and give me a perfect reason for why he disappeared.  It didn’t happen.  Whatever it is I already accepted it as being what is best for me.  It is the Universe conspiring to remove from my life whatever doesn’t belong in it.  Still, having some kind of good bye, rhyme or reason would make things more palatable.

Is “accepting” being able to accept without question?  If that is the case then I still have more leaning to do in “acceptance”.  I accept amidst the struggle.

So, moving on, I have a dilemma that it is somehow related and yet it is not.  It is about volunteering the truth when no one has asked my opinion.  It about dispensing constructive criticism when none was requested.  When to say something and when to keep it to myself?

I went on a date last week with a man that was very nice, but as usual there were no fireworks. He wanted to see me again and I politely declined.  Not only there was no chemistry I also didn’t like how needy he seemed to be.  Anyway, the whole point here is that I think he needs to see a dentist.

His teeth were black in some areas. And when I say black I don’t mean yellow or discolored I mean really black as if rotting. He said he didn’t smoke so I am not sure the cause of it.  I have to point out that I don’t have perfect teeth. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in every kind of dental procedure you can think of, none of it cosmetic.  I have done gum graphs, bone graphs, implants, etc, so I am not about to judge someone on the perfection of their teeth.  Also I appreciate imperfection and I refuse to close the small gap in my front teeth to just confirm with everyone’s ideal. But in this case, his case, having blackened teeth sends the message of lack of cleaning.

I think his life, dating and otherwise, would improve drastically if he visited a dentist.  I know he has the means to do it.  The first thing you notice about anyone is normally their smile and once first impression has set in it is hard to change that.  Do I tell him that or do I keep that to myself?  After all he has a mirror and I cannot imagine him not being aware of it.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” – Confucius

Facing the one that broke my heart

07 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho

 

From magic to mist, from all to nothing

02 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Well, well, well, to say I am shocked is an understatement.
Mr Perfect for me disappeared. I am shocked! Yeah I am going to keep repeating that as this whole thing  is just so insane.

I was willing to bet this would become something long-lasting. I even hid my profile on Plenty of Fish, which I have never done before. I really had no interest in speaking to anybody else.

Let me start at the beginning.  We met on Plenty of Fish and started exchanging messages.  We had a lot in common, including our love of skiing.  He was very open and forthcoming with personal information that I was able to verify. For the first time I didn’t have to waste time researching and Googling someone, he volunteered it all.

After messaging on the site we moved on to texting and talking on the phone. He wanted to meet right away, which I normally prefer but because my friend was still in town we had to wait.

Even before the first date he had already invited me to July 4th weekend at his house on the beach and on August 12 for a clambake. I decline the July 4th invitation and said August 12 would probably work.

He also invited me to a charity sunset cruise where I would meet his friends but I was busy with my sister and my friend on that even and also declined.

Everything about him seemed perfect for me. We had the same views on most topics. Chemistry on the phone was out of control, we talked for hours.

He felt the same way about me, it was not like we were in love or anything, it was the fact that we both thought there was potential here.  For the first time ever it seemed I met a guy that talks about his feelings without games.  He is not afraid of “too much too soon”.  Like me he is all or nothing, tell it like it is person.

Finally the day of the date arrives and we hit it off immediately. He apologized for being absent from texting that day but explained that he is facing a couple of major deadlines.

He brought me chocolates that he had a friend send directly from Belgium because buying online wouldn’t be the same.  How can I not fall for that?

During dinner there was not a single awkward moment. We talked about everything.  There was a lot flirting, holding hand, giggling.  The best date ever!  After dinner he walked me to the front door of my building and asked me if he could come up and meet my sister. I said no and explained that she would want to be ready and not surprised.   He was okay with that.

He texted me when he got home saying that the date had ended too soon and asking if I would go on a second date. I said yes. We actually already had a second date already scheduled. When we were speaking on the phone we decided that we would go on a date every Thursday night.  After a couple of flirty texts we said good night as usual.

“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” – Jalauddin Rumi

The next day, Wednesday,  arrives and he is uncharacteristically quiet, to which I attributed to a lot work to do and getting ready to a business dinner with some foreign people. He texted late in the day saying he was leaving the office to go to the dinner. Almost 2 hours later he texted saying that he had no energy from from antihistamine he had taken the night before. I replied and asked if he was still at dinner. There was no reply but I fully expected to hear from him later on asking to talk on the phone. That text never came.

Thursday came and I still had no idea if I was meeting him that night or not.  Actually, I  had a pretty good idea that there would be no date.  The silence was a very loud no. This silence was totally out of character for him, but because of work I still didn’t want to assume anything.

I texted him and said:  “I think you are extremely busy so I don’t want to disturb you.  I was looking forward to seeing you tonight but if you need to cancel it is okay.  Thinking of you.”  He replied: “I have an issue at work I have to fly to DC tomorrow.  I will call you tonight.”

That call never came.  Friday came and went and not a word from him.  Then on Saturday night (yesterday) I texted him and said: “Are you okay?  I am worried.”  Perhaps worried was not the right word.  I was more curious and confused.  He texted back right away and said that there was an Amtrak accident in Washington where 2 people died and 1 got hurt and that his company was involved in and he had to deal with it.  He also sent me the link to the newspaper report.

I am still confused.  If that was the case why couldn’t he have written and said that he couldn’t get in touch for a few days or something like that?  Is he using the accident as an excuse because he is not interested? Why not just say so?

And nothing else after that text.  No, “lets plan to meet when things come down”, no “I am sorry I have been silent”, no ” Please be patient”.  Not another word!

I am lost.  Everything he said, everything he did before, during and immediately after the date pointed to someone that was as interested as I was.  The trips we would take, the future dates, everything appeared so real, possible and exactly as I once envisioned.

I even told him once that he was not real; that I had dreamed him up. I guess I did!

I am glad I texted him last night but I am not doing it again.  To me this is so hard to understand because all we spoke about honesty and communication.  We spoke so much about being hurt before. He was also cheated on.  We extolled the virtuous of honesty, integrity and communication.  Silence is something I would never expect from him.

I am not new at online dating, as you know. I consider myself pretty savvy, but have I just been played? To what end?

“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” – Neil Gaiman

Is there a lesson here?  There is always a lesson, but frankly I am stumped.

Shouldn’t I be so forward and so honest next time someone says all the right words? Should I be less accessible and more challenging?  Should I be more mysterious and hard to read?  After all doesn’t people like what is more difficult to get?

There is a lesson here but I don’t know what it is, but changing myself and the way I act it is not it.  I will continue to be honest, upfront, and tell it like it is.  I will continue to tell people what I need and want and not expect them to read my mind.

And why am I looking for a lesson as if looking for something I did wrong and need to change?  I did nothing wrong.  I was myself!  The right man will appreciate it, respect it, want it, embrace it.  This just means he is not the right man yet.

Am I mad? Sad? Disappointed? All and none of it.  I am, more than anything, confused. I am a person that needs answers and don’t like things unresolved.  I crave to understand human beings and their exchanges, specially men that come into my life.

I can see a silver lining.  I feel this disappearance could be the work of my guardian angels removing someone from my life that would have not been good to me.  Showing me someone’s true colors before I am way in.  Everything he could be telling could be the truth still I think I deserved a little more information.

I don’t regret the long conversations we had, the kisses, the hope, how he made me feel special and the feeling that this was special.  The whole exchange with him was romantic, magical and for a fleeting moment it made me feel validated.  And for that magical feeling I will continue to put myself out there and do it all over again.

For a second in time I saw this as poetic, as I was about to sever all ties with the ex-boyfriend I am meeting someone that seemed to be my future.  (By the way I met the ex on Friday afternoon for the first time in almost 5 years and will write all about that next)

Am I giving up online dating?  Absolutely not! I will never stop putting myself out there in the hopes of finding a partner.  He is out there so I will keep on looking.  Fakers, players and all other kinds will come my way but there will never deter me from my ultimate goal.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – George Saunders