Monthly Archives: May 2016

An update on my dating life, or lack thereof

20 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

  1. The Doctor continues to text every now and then and it seems that we have settled on friendship.  I am happy with that.  He is not boyfriend material as he doesn’t seem to know what he wants, but he can be a great friend. File under “No romance, but great conversations”
  2. The perfect guy that was emailing me has not reached out since I didn’t reply to his last email.  Were he real he would wonder what happened and probably write inquiring.  File this under “I dodged a bullet!”
  3. The much younger guy totally disappeared.  I am considering filing a Missing Person’s Report. :-). File under “It was going to be a mistake anyway”
  4. I met someone (still from the Craigslist ad).  We had a great time at dinner.  He asked me on a second date that same evening and I said yes and said I would let him know when.  I am having second thoughts now.  He is recently divorced with 5 kids, and I have to say that 5 kids scare me. Also not a whole lot of chemistry, so I am not sure if I will go through with the second date.  File under “Perhaps… the jury is still out”
  5. There was another guy emailing me, and even though he seemed nice he kept pushing me to meet him.  I explained that my mom is in town and I am having some other stuff to take care of and asked for his patience.  Still he continue to push me. I hate to be pressured on doing something, and I told him so.  I think that it is the end of that. File under: “Patience is a virtue”
  6. My great blogger friend Vanessa from the Vanessence blog thought she had the perfect guy to introduce to me.  Unfortunately when she reached out to him she found out he just got a girlfriend.  I am not disappointed at all as it was a real long shot, but I am extremely happy that someone would think I am a great person to introduce to friends. File under: “It is good to be thought of”
  7.  And now for the last update.  On my post of May 11 I talked about a man from my past that I dated in 2007.  He has never given up and always texted me every now and then, even thought I always ignored him.  Right after Mother’s Day I gave in and replied to one of his texts. We started exchanging flirty texts, or so I thought; only for him to tell me that he has had a girlfriend since 2008.

At which point I said I was not interested, but he is still trying.  Here are the texts he sent the following day (May 12):

Screenshot 1

I didn’t reply, I thought he would get the hint, but then again he doesn’t understand hints, so below are the texts from yesterday, to which I replied:

Screenshot 2

Screenshot 3

Screenshot 4

I cut off the rest of the message as there were personal information and names of people pertaining to the details of this event. I didn’t reply and will not again.

I have to come clean and confess that a tiny part of me would love to attend this Dinner Dance event.  I also would love to see him again after almost ten years.  I am curious.  But not looking for drama.  So this is an invitation that was easy to pass up.

If the past is any indication I will continue to hear from him every now and then.   It is up to me not to reply again.  Even though he has no business contacting anyone if he has a girldfriend I have no ill feelings towards him and I still think he has a good heart.  I feel he is just misguided.  He should invest the time he is wasting texting me into fixing his relationship.

Clearly they are growing apart.  I once too thought it was okay for my boyfriend and I to go to events alone and take vacations apart.  I am talking about the first boyfriend (one day I will write about that relationship – we were together for 20 years!!).  I remember he never wanted to attend my work events.  Even though I had always lied to myself and said it was fine, that he was just not comfortable in that enviroment, it was never fine.  It signaled  problems in the relationship.  We disguised the unwilligness to support each other as freedom and individuality.

Relationships are hard work.  It takes compromise and the willingness to venture into the uncomfortable to support each other.  I want my significant other to be there next to me.  I no longer need to stand alone somewhere to prove that I am my own person.

I would hate for somebody else to spend 20 years with someone that is not their match.  Still, not regrets!  Hidsight is 20/20.  Moving forward.  Looking back to just see how far I have come!

and file all this under: “Keeping the faith!  It is not if, it is just when”

“Sometimes the comfort of being in a relationship lulls you into mundane complacency; you become irrelevant in each other’s lives. We call this phenomenon ‘growing apart’.” – Steve Maraboli

 

Feeling disappointed with myself!

17 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” – Christopher Hitchens

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed I didn’t speak up when I witnessed injustice.

This happened on Friday when I took the train to go home.  I didn’t see the beginning of the exchange between the conductor and the 3 passengers. What I saw and heard was the train door beeping (signaling that the door is about to close) and the conductor yelling for 3 guys to get off of the train.

I was not sure what was going on but eventually I understood that the conductor was mad that, supposedly, one of the guys held the door open with his foot so his friend could get in.

The conductor was yelling that they needed to get off of the train. One of them did but the other 2 stated they did nothing wrong and moved up the train car and stood in the vestibule where they normally stayed. This was not my regular train but I had seen those guys before. They are Hispanic and work in construction in the city.

The conductor continued to berate them and, because by this time the train had already left the station, said that they would have to exit at the next station. They tried to talk to him and tell him they didn’t do anything wrong and the door just closed on them as they were boarding, but the conductor was not listening.

Even if holding the train door was illegal, which I am not even sure if it is, it doesn’t justify how rude and demeaning the conductor was treating the 2 men. Holding the train door open is something that every commuter has done at some point. I have, many times, sneaked in as the doors are closing and even stood at the door for somebody to get in.

In 16 years of taking the train twice a day I have never seen anyone being told to get off of train for that reason.

I felt this pang in my heart and gut that told me that the conductor would never behave in such a way towards someone that was better dressed and didn’t speak with an accent. I kept hoping that someone would speak up, but why couldn’t I do it myself? What was holding my voice inside?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. – Desmond Tutu

I was also telling myself that I didn’t see the actual interaction in the beginning so perhaps there was more to it, but still I couldn’t imagine that anything would justify such rude behavior. I guess by that I was just trying to justify my silence.

When the next station approached the conductor stood by the door and yelled at them to get off and wait for the next train. One of the guys tried to beg him to stay saying that all they wanted to do was get home and they didn’t hold the door open, the door was closing as they got in. But the conductor was having none of that.  He just continued the yelling.  When one of them asked why they need to get off, he replied: “Because I told you so.  This is my train!”

Resigned they walked towards the door to exit.  At this moment a guy sitting across the aisle from me got up and said to them: Do not leave! You guys didn’t do anything wrong. Your only crime is not wearing a suit and tie! (he said that in Spanish, but I understood and agree wholeheartdly). He was, like me, probably an immigrant himself.

At this point I joined in and said I agreed.  I could have kissed that guy I was so happy that somebody had had the guts to speak up!

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.” -william Faulkner

The 2 men knowing that they had support backed away from the door and said they weren’t leaving.  The conductor become even more irate and went crazy with the yellign and screaming.  He said he was going to call the police and that they were going to spend the night in jail.

After realizing that even with the threat of police they wouldn’t leave he walked firmly to the front of the car as if going to radio the police and saying they were going to spend the night in jail.

At this point I decided that if the police were to show up at the next stop I would say something. By now 3 African American women joined in to express their disgust at the way the conductor behaved.

I am happy to say that no police showed up and the guys exited the train on their stop with no other issues. I felt extreme relief.

Still I am disappointed I couldn’t speak up and only did so after someone had done first. Was it fear? It is certainly something that I need to work on. Sticking up for others shouldn’t be a matter of debate for me, I just need to follow my gut and do it.

What gave that conductor the the idea that he can treat anyone in such manner?

I was also disappointed that the only people that said something was the minority.  But why should I judge, if I couldn’t speak up why should I expect others to do so?

A somber thought crossed my mind: Trump.  It scares me to think how much power some people, racist and bigots included, would get if Trump was in power.  I feel a lot of them are already feeling empowered to behave in ways they wouldn’t otherwise.

God please watch over us and grant us strenght and voice to speak up when we see injustice no matter how small. Also please be kind and merciful to the poor souls that think they need to berate the weaker to fell strong.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Blessings and Lessons, Old and New mistakes

11 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Being spared a new mistake
Two posts ago I talked about saving the details about one guy I met for later. Now is later. The truth is I thought that by now I would have some very interesting juicy story to tell you, but I don’t. Instead I have a lesson and a stroke of good luck.

From my ad I received tons of emails from younger guys. I dismissed all of those except for one. There was something about him that I thought was worth a second look. From the emails we exchanged and from all my internet snooping I saw that he was a hard-working, accomplished, smart and generous man.  Things that I value in a person.

I decided to meet him in person as a friend. I can have younger friends, can’t I?

We met for coffee and sparks flew. And I started thinking “what if”. What if I ignore the age and just go with the flow? I was actually talking myself into going out with an embarrassingly younger guy, well if you are the type to be embarrassed by things. I am not!

After that initial meeting I gave him my number and we started exchanging texts. I was supposed to come up with a night to have a real dinner date. I knew it would be a mistake and it wouldn’t be something long lasting, still I was willing to jump head first into this empty pool.

And then… he just went silent! He seemed to have completely fallen off the face of earth. No emails, texts, smoke signals, nothing!

In the past I would have gone nuts looking for answers. I would come up with many different scenarios why this happened. Now I just thank the Universe and move on.

Clearly the Universe interceded in my favor. I knew it was going to be a mistake and I was willing to go through with it anyway. The Universe spared me the pain that would certain follow.

I know I am not the type of person for casual relationships. There are so many reasons why casual relationships, friends with benefits type of scenario would never work for me. I get attached. I get emotionally involved. I expect things. I expect heart, energy, and reciprocity of feelings.

Thank you Universe for stepping in. I don’t need to know why he disappeared. It doesn’t matter, the result is the same.

It is amazing what happens when you place your trust in the God (Universe), when you believe that He knows better and He will make sure that whatever it is not good for you it is taken out of the way. (even when you are walking onto disaster out of your own free will)

If it is not a blessing, it is a lesson! In this case the blessing was of being spared the lesson.

When people choose to leave, let them, specially if they were never supposed to be in your life to begin with.

Avoiding an old mistake
Every now and then a ghost from the past rears its ugly head. He shows up looking sharp and brand new. There is no sign of the issues from the past. Well, you don’t really remember the issues from the past. Time has a way of erasing the bad memories.

This guy that I dated very briefly in 2007 (he reminded me of the year) every now and then texts me. Long ago I decided to ignore him, but he never seems to take the hint. Few months go bye and he texts again wishing Merry Christmas, or Valentine’s Day or just saying hello.

I mentioned him here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2013/03/28/march-28-a-wonderful-day-to-be-born/

He texted me “Happy Mother’s Day” the other day and instead of ignoring him like I always do I texted back. Honestly I don’t even remember why I stopped seeing him, but I am sure there was a good reason. We then started this flirty texting back and forth.

This morning he says: You know I have a girlfriend right?

What? Why would I suspect he has a girlfriend when he is flirting with me on text?  Should I have asked?

I told him exactly how I was feeling: hurt, foolish and stupid. I told him how I blamed myself and not him. Which is true, I opened the door; I can’t blame him for walking in.

I asked him why he contacted me if he has a girlfriend and here is his reply verbatim: “Why wouldn’t I? You are an extraordinary person. And it’s not like we had a fight or any drama like that.”

I was really hurt. I guess he caught me at a vulnerable time. I feel foolish thinking that he was trying to reconnect. Well he was trying to get something on the side for sure.  I feel bad for his girlfriend, which he says he has since 2008.

I politely said I don’t wish to be exchanging texts with a married man. No harm done, no hard feelings.

Two minutes ago I have a delivery. He sent me a box of chocolate covered fruit from Edible Arrangements as a belated birthday gift. I didn’t know if I should just ignore it or say thank you. Clearly it was sent yesterday, before I told him I don’t wish to continue.

I texted: “My office says thank you”. He wanted to engage me in additional conversation but I just ignored it.

Again is that same old lesson that I never seem to learn: Leave the past in the past. Make new mistakes, don’t revive old ones.  There is a reason people are not in your present, son’t question that.  Accept it!

Chocolate covered fruit bites

Chocolate covered fruit bites that my office really enjoyed

 

I will never know what that was, but I know it was not real!

06 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

To continue from the last post:  The “perfect” man I was exchanging emails with told me his last name and ignored the question regarding his date of birth.  The last name was so generic that I couldn’t really find definite answers about him.

The feeling that I was talking to some kind of impostor intensified.

Because I am impatient and impulsive.  Because I cannot wait for things to happen.  Because I follow my gut.  Because I am so honest it hurts.  Because it was late at night and my bed was painfully empty.  For so many reasons I sent him the following email:

“In bed thinking of you…
The you that I created out of desperation and fear
Fearless me feared you would never come
So I created you
I created someone that would magically know how awesome I am
Someone that would appreciate my beauty without knowing what I look like
I created someone caring, intelligent, polite, funny.
I created someone to be my strength when I feel weak
I created someone to be my fan, supporter, confidant and lover
I created someone that wants me as much as I want him
I created someone not perfect, but perfect for me
The problem with desperate creations is that they one day end
Someone once told me that they thought I didn’t think myself worth of love as I seemed to push people that liked me away and seemed to go for impossible situations.
This here is an impossible situation.
You are not real. You don’t exist. I know it.
Still I dream about you every night as giving up on the fairy tale is not an option.
I know this is not real. I know you are not real.”

Of course 5 minutes later I had already regretted sending it.  My intent was to tell him that I knew he was a fake and that I was emailing with him not because he was fooling me but because of my forever search for that special one.  So even thought I knew he was a fake I continued emailing making room that one millionth to one chance that he could be the real thing.

I expected that he would do one of the following:
1) Reply as usual
2) Try to convince me how real he is
3) Never write again

After not writing for one day, he continued writing as if all was fine.  He continued giving me updates on his father’s stay at the hospital. He continued telling me how amazing and supportive I am.

I never replied again.

“Silence is sometimes the best answer” – Dalai Lama

I am still curious as to what was his endgame. What was his aim, or was he just happy emailing? Was just the daily morsel of attention he craved?  I can’t blame him.

I am not even mad at him, or frustrated or sad.  This is internet, this is craigslist’s territory so I am totally prepared and not surprised.   Buyer beware!   Each person that turns out not to be the one is bringing me one step closer to the right one, so I I don’t get discouraged.

I know some things one cannot search for.  Some things the more you search for the more elusive it becomes.  To me stopping the search means giving up.  Plus I enjoy the attention and entertainment.  I enjoy how much I get to learn about myself. I enjoy meeting people that otherwise I would never cross paths with.  I enjoy being pro-active.  I enjoy putting myself out there.  It makes me feel alive.

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”  – Dalai Lama