Tag Archives: second chances

Preparing for good bye and ready for hello

22 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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“Oh, poor human! You have so many dreams, but so short period of time! You are living in the ocean of desires, but dying in the deserts of limited time! Oh, poor human!”― Mehmet Murat ildan

What happened to Wednesdays? Since I started working from home, about 1 month ago, I haven’t seen a Wednesday yet.  Every week it jumps from Tuesday to Thursday. It is the weirdest thing.  Is anybody else feeling the same thing or is it just me? 

I am making a point of not missing this Wednesday, tomorrow. We shall see…

“When a man has little time, he must take care to maintain his calm. We must act as if we had eternity before us.”― Umberto Eco

As I mentioned in the prior post I am busier than usual. Besides all that I already do at my job, and taking longer to do it since my set up at home is not ideal, I am now dealing with organizing our relocation.  It turns out I will only go back to my office in NY City to pack.

I have also been busy with getting all the applications filled out and the computations calculated for the PPP government loan.  I thought that we, my job, would be immune to this crisis, but no one really is.  The energy market has been so insane that most of our customers are too scared to move. So our business, which is mostly in Crude Oil and Ethanol, has suffered drastically. 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.”― Thomas Paine

We had to fill applications 3 times due to each time being transferred to a different vendor/department.  Each time we were promised that we would not lose our place in line.  Guess what? we lost it.  So we didn’t get the loan on the first go, and we are now waiting to see if we can still get it.  

I have been reading about all the big public companies that applied and got huge loans.  That was never the intention of this program, but then again that is often the case, the ones that need the most never get it.  And I am not even talking about my firm, we need it, but there are others that need the most.  I would like to see all the little local businesses get help before all others.

“I looked up fairness in the dictionary and it was not there.”― William Giraldi

Now going back to this move that my boss has been talking about forever.  It is happening now. Instead of an office in Manhattan we will now have an office in New Jersey for the employees that live in that area and an office in my city, New Rochelle, for the employees that live in the NY area. or all that is 

I will be working 5 blocks from my apartment.  My commute will be a 5 minute walk.  This move will save me $250.00 for the train pass and 1 hour of commuting a day.  

It is also a new beginning in a way.  I love new beginnings.  I was really bored and unhappy at my job.  This gives me a chance to like it again or to realize that I am really done with it.

“We get a second chance at everything, including our mistakes.”―  Christopher X. Shade

It feels bittersweet. I have been working in Manhattan for almost 20 years. I thought I would have a chance to say a proper goodbye.  I don’t even know what I mean by a proper good bye.  

It is as if I am quitting Manhattan cold turkey. No time for goodbyes.  I know I am being a bit dramatic.  It is not as if I can’t ever go back.  I only live 30 minutes away by train and I am sure I will go back every now and then for a show, museum or a drink with someone.

At the end of the day my list of struggles is long (having some personal financial issues that I am losing sleep over, but who isn’t?), but my list of blessings continues to be immense! I am never losing sight of that!

“When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place.”― C.S. Lewis

I have to go now, there is an electrician wanting to know how many outlets I want in each wall, there are boxes to order, there are vendors to be notified, the list is endless. 

Keep safe, healthy and creating joy every day.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

 

 

Cruel or just clueless?

29 Friday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.” – Rumi

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, you know that I started it 7 years ago due to a broken heart that was making me go insane.  This blog allowed me to get all the pain out without hurting others or myself.

All my readers/friends have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today: happy, free, ready to love again.  It took me years to be totally over the the person that broke my heart.  He is mostly a name from the past, a chapter in the book of my life that I don’t care to re-read.

Today, I get this email, that he made sure to send to both my professional and personal emails.

“Subject: Happy Birthday to my favorite twins in the whole wide world

I’m pretty sure that I remember you have a birthday at the end of March although I don’t know the number I remember that it’s a little bit before Nancy’s (one of his sisters) birthday please give each other a hug and a kiss from me and all the best wishes and love to you and your entire family

If you allow it I’d love to take you both out for lunch or dinner in New Rochelle or the city or White Plains anything that would work for either of you I would like to try to work out

Love”

I was annoyed at receiving that.  How dare he make this attempt to make it seem that we can have a regular friendly relationship?

I don’t hold any grudges over anyone or anything.  I normally always keep the door open for people to come and go as they please.  If anything I give too many second chances.  I am friends with guys I dated, and I am always willing to let everyone back in.  I believe in second chances and redemption.

But with him it is different.  I believed with all my heart he was the One.

The pain was too intense.  The betrayal was too raw.  The disrespect was uncalled for in every way.  There was the game playing and manipulation.  Knowing I was in pain he made it seem there was a chance to reconcile.  I am ashamed to say that there was a point back there when I was willing to overlook everything to just be with him.  I thank the heavens that in the end he never wanted to work things out.

And then there was the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating and never said sorry.

I forgive, I forgave, and I forget… for the most part, until he decides to rear his ugly head.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ― Rumi

If the past knocks, don’t answer!

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it’s noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear.” ―  Margaret Atwood

Every now and then a ghost from the past returns.  As abruptly as they leave they appear, sometimes weeks, months, sometimes even years after.

These are people that I never really had a relationship with but that I had thought, with all my heart, that there was the potential and therefore I invested my all.   Sometimes the possibility of a dream coming true is more powerful than the dream itself.

When they come knocking again what do I do? I, ever the optimistic one, welcome them with open arms. I call myself optimistic but perhaps the right word here is naïve.

I want to be open and have an open mind.  I want to see and believe the best in people. I want to have an open door policy in my life. Come and go as you please. Stay if you want. Go if you must. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give second and third chances.

But is that fair to my heart?

 “An open mind is better than a clenched fist.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

It is hard for me to let people in, but when I do I am true, I am vulnerable, I share dreams, I share fantasies. I am 100% there and I hope for the same.  I see people as unique and at that moment I make them the center of the universe. They get my attention, my energy, my heart and my soul.

When they leave they take some of me with them.  I am shattered, broken, questioning everything.  There are tears, there are late nights crying, there is too much sugar eating.  Then the magic of life happens, I pick myself up, I dust off, I move on and re-emerge better than before.

“Do not allow me to forget you” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Some, when they leave, don’t even bother saying good bye. They just go silent, leaving you to wonder if they are even alive. I don’t know if they are just taking long to reply or they are gone.  Then the silence just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it hits you on the face: They are gone!  I find that disappearing act extremely cold-hearted and coward. Man up and say good bye!

When they return it seems all will fall into place.  I see the potential returning right along with them.  Dreams and fantasies come flooding back and I start thinking “what if”.  I see the confirmation that I was right all along: We are meant to be together.  All of a sudden the world makes sense again.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” – John Banville

When they return my heart sings…perhaps they changed his mind and see the incredible potential here…perhaps their fears and doubts are gone… perhaps…I let my imagination fly and spirit soar.

When they come back I am hoping they came back for the potential, for the fragility, for the beauty, for the pureness of the feelings I had and yes, for the passion, fun and attraction that laces all my relationships. When they come back I am thinking forever.

Forever never lasts. Almost immediately; it never fails, they show me exactly why they were in the past and why they should remain there.  I am lucky that it doesn’t take long for their true colors/motives to be revealed.  They mess up, they make assumptions, and they are themselves all over again.  Most often they are just horny looking for a fix, or the potential of it.  Sorry, but you are knocking on the wrong door.  You didn’t get to experience that before, what makes you think you will get it now?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I am starting to think that I need to be open but not foolish.  I need to be open to life but guarded to people. This revolving door needs to have a lock and key.

When I let somebody back in I realize I am attempting to rewrite the past.  What a foolish proposition!  Why do I want to go back to old mistakes, old lessons?  I am all about making new mistakes and learning new lessons.

Nothing has really changed in whatever issues were there in the past, they will still be there.  The fears, the insecurities, the doubts, they are still thriving.  There is nothing I can do to convince someone of the potential in something if they don’t want to be convinced.

When they return they will find that I have remained the same, in my conviction and beliefs; and still I have changed a lot. I am more mature, more weathered, more beat up, more heart.  Whatever I was before it is now amplified.  My honesty is now brutal; my barely-there patience is now non-existent.  And still I am calmer, more flexible, more understanding.  I am this constant duality, yes and no, good and bad. I am willing to welcome you and willing to throw you away.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.” –  Alan Moore

If you are intending to be a ghost from the past and knock on somebody’s door again, please rethink your motives. Are you willing to compromise? Will the issues from the past still be there? Have you changed or are you just counting on the other person having changed?  Are you just horny and looking for a little attention and inspiration?

Whatever you do don’t expect to pick up things where you left them off.   If it is worth returning to, it is worth putting in the work and starting from the beginning.  You will have to get to know me all over again. You will have be interested in all.

 “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

How dare you show up like nothing ever happened and disrupt my mind and heart? Most importantly, how dare I allow you to do it?

I am writing this because I am angry and hurt with someone that did just that.  I feel I have been toyed with, yet again, by somebody that was just horny and had no serious interest in pursuing a relationship.  I was here, quietly minding my own business, why play with my mind and heart again?

You come disguised as hope and opportunity.  You come disguised as future. Perhaps you don’t know that.  Perhaps you never realized how important you were to me, even though I have told you 100 times.  Perhaps you never listened.  Not only you are just words on the screen, but you are all the wrong words!!   I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, may be you are just clueless!

Now I have to forget you all over again.  Perhaps it will be easier the second time around! Perhaps it will never happen.  Memories fades, but the heart never forgets!

You do not deserve something that you don’t think that you have to work for! There are no rewards for the ones wanting to take a shortcut.  If you don’t want to put in the time and energy to get to know me, my interests, my wants, then you are not deserving of me.  If you think I am this amazing sexual, fun being, you are right! I am that, and so much more! But you will never know!

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh