Tag Archives: no expectations

The secret to attracting butterflies – Borboletas – Mario Quintana

29 Tuesday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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This is a text that I like.  I think it was written by Brazilian Writer Mario Quintana but I am not 100% sure.

“Quando depositamos muita confiança ou expectativas em uma pessoa, o risco de se decepcionar é grande. As pessoas não estão neste mundo para satisfazer as nossas expectativas, assim como não estamos aqui, para satisfazer as dela.

Temos que nos bastar… nos bastar sempre e quando procuramos estar com alguém, temos que nos conscientizar de que estamos juntos porque gostamos, porque queremos e nos sentimos bem, nunca por precisar de alguém.

As pessoas não se precisam, elas se completam… não por serem metades, mas por serem inteiras, dispostas a dividir objetivos comuns, alegrias e vida.

Com o tempo, você vai percebendo que para ser feliz com a outra pessoa, você precisa em primeiro lugar, não precisar dela. Percebe também que aquela pessoa que você ama (ou acha que ama) e que não quer nada com você, definitivamente, não é o homem ou a mulher de sua vida. Você aprende a gostar de você, a cuidar de você, e principalmente a gostar de quem gosta de você.

O segredo é não cuidar das borboletas e sim cuidar do jardim para que elas venham até você. No final das contas, você vai achar não quem você estava procurando, mas quem estava procurando por você!”

Here is my loose translation:

“When we place a lot of trust or expectations in a person, the risk of being disappointed is great. People are not in this world to meet our expectations, just as we are not here, to meet theirs.

We have to be enough …  we alone have to be enough. And when we try to be with someone else, we have to become aware that we are together because we like to, because we want to and because it feels good, never because we need someone.

People do not need each other, they complete each other … not because they are halves, but because they are whole, willing to share common goals, joys and life.

Over time, you will realize that in order to be happy with the other person, you need not to need them. You will also realize that the person you love (or think you love) and want nothing to do with you is definitely not the man or woman for you.  You will learn to like yourself, to take care of yourself, and especially to like those who like you.

The secret is not to run after the butterflies, but to take care of your garden so that they come to you. Ultimately, you will find not who you were looking for, but who was looking for you!”

 

 

 

The elusive third date

24 Monday Jun 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Life is a long preparation for something that never happens.”  –― W.B. Yeats

Amazing what a difference a couple of days makes.  On Friday I was all excited about the third date with J. this weekend.

Now, Monday morning,  I am sitting here wondering what happened. Ok, I am not wondering too much.  I am used to online dating.  I have learned to expect anything, everything and nothing.  People are fickle.

But really, what happened? Is it an issue with communication? Expectations? No, I think it is just a case of “he is just not that into me”.

The truth is easy and simple:  if nothing is happening is because there is no interest.

We had 2 great fun dates.   We laughed, joked and ate great food.  He seemed interested.  We text many times throughout the day, every single day.  We still do.  He is texting me as I write this.

On Wednesday he asked me when we would see each other again. I responded: ”When you ask me out again”.  He replied: “Perhaps this weekend if you are not too busy”.  I said: “as of now I am completely free”.  To me that is a big open door, all he has to do is walk through it.  He didn’t.

Patience is a conquering virtue.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

We continued texting.  Friday night came and went, then Saturday, then Sunday.  He never mentioned going out.  I didn’t ask.

I cannot say I was disappointed, but I was surprised.  And of course, I am curious.

My sister said I should have called on Saturday morning and asked if we were going out.  I didn’t want to.  I just went about my life.  I don’t want to be forcing a guy to go out with me.

As we were texting throughout the day yesterday I wrote:  “I thought I was going to see you this weekend .  He answered: “me too”.  He proceeded to text me pictures of his dog.

At one point when I asked how was his Saturday night, he said he went to fix his mother’s toilette.

I know that I could have been the one to ask him out.  I would have and have done in the past with other guys, but it never turned out well.  I end up realizing that the guy didn’t really want to see me again to begin with and I felt like I was forcing the situation.

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” ― Lev Grossman

I am looking for a man that is more “take charge”, specially in the beginning.  I am aggressive by nature.   I go after what I want.  But in regards to dating I like the man to take the wheel, otherwise I will, and then resent him for it.  I will become the boss of the relationship, in charge of everything.  I don’t want that.  Was he waiting for me to say anything? Who knows.  The truth is that if he was, then we are not a match.

I will be clear with a guy about my interest.  No one has to read my mind. But I want him to step up and make the plans, at least in the beginning. Wrong or right it is what I want and need.

Will there a third date?  Who knows? All he has to do is ask.  I want to tell him: “You better strike while the iron is hot” 😉  because is getting cold by the minute.

Things are exactly the way they should be.  I am learning to just let nature take its course and not force anything.

I continue learning, getting better and happier!

 “Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~”― Lao Tzu

It is all about a kiss!

15 Friday Nov 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

I had an awesome time at the date! Did I flirt, drink and kiss as I had hoped? Read on and find out…

I had been speaking on the phone with this person on and off for about a month.  We agreed to go on a date after my mother had left and he had returned from a trip abroad.  On the phone he had talked about taking me to his favorite Indian restaurant.  He was disappointed to find out that Indian food is not one of my favorite cuisines.  I mentioned that on a first date, the most important thing to me was the company and that I am able to find something to eat in any menu.

I like that he was the type of guy that made phone calls and was not only texting and emailing.  I don’t normally go around giving my phone number to every guy on e-harmony but if I do give my phone number I expect a guy to use it.

When he invited me via text to a hotel bar I was a little taken aback, but not to the point of saying no since we had already had agreed to meet.  At that point I had a feeling that dinner was not on the menu and just drinks.  I am fine with that!  I just like to make sure that I eat something beforehand so that I can enjoy a drink.

I like that he picked a bar that was extremely convenient to me.  I also liked that he got to the bar earlier and was sitting there waiting for me when I arrived.   When I got there he got up and gave me a hug.  When we sat down at a tall table he complimented me on my hat (it is pretty cute! J).  He also mentioned that I was exactly the way he had pictured.  He had seen my pictures but sometimes pictures can be so misleading.  I took that as a compliment.

“Happiness, not in another place but this place…not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman

The date lasted approximately 3 hours.  We talked about everything.  He got my jokes and I got his!  We made each other laugh.  I am happy to say I did not monopolize the conversation as I normally do.  I had 3 flutes of sparkling wine.  We are talking about little flutes, so I think it amounts to only about a drink and a half.  That was plenty to make a girl that rarely drinks tipsy.  Perhaps I was laughing a little too much, but I don’t think that is bad thing.

At one point when I got up to go to the ladies room, I jokingly asked if I needed to bring my purse with me in case he decided to run away (We had been talking about bad dates).  He laughed and handed me his cell phone to take with me as security.  I thought it was a cute gesture.

We were very flirty towards each other.  I did mention to him that I liked his accent and that I thought he had kissable lips.  Being the red-blooded man he is, at that point he got up, approached me and kissed me.  It was perfect!  It was soft, gentle, sweet.  I could have stayed in that kiss for days.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.” 
― Henry David Thoreau

After our 3 drinks, we had some water and he walked me to the train station.    Before walking out of the bar he kissed me again. There were no issues on my side about being kissed even though this is our first meeting.  All I felt like saying was: More please!  At the train station he kissed me good bye.

We exchanged a couple of emails while on my way home regarding some glasses that I thought that I had left at the bar and it turned to be in my purse.  He also asked if I realized I had sent the text about the glasses 5 times, which I absolutely did not, so I am not sure what to make of that.  He managed to add a good touch when he said good night writing my real name, which I had said to him in passing and no one ever remembers it after hearing it only one time.  I was impressed by that; and that has been the end of our communication.

We have met on Wednesday night and it is now Friday afternoon, and I still haven’t heard from him.  I cannot say I am surprised, as I really had no expectations.  I only think that we had a great time and there is absolutely no reason not to see each other again.  But that is the thing with dating, it takes 2 people and sometimes 2 people on the same date will have totally different opinions of how the date went.  If there is one thing I have learning dating in the city is that one never knows, no matter how awesome the date was if you will ever hear from that person again.

“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.” 
― Catherynne M. Valente

I don’t like to wait.  Any time a guy makes me wait before he calls me again after a date, I feel he is playing games and the longer he takes to call me the more uninterested I get.  I feel that guys that wait a certain number of days to call so not to appear eager are playing games and I am not into games at all.  If I like you I tell you, so if you like me tell me and don’t make me wait.

So at this moment I don’t know if I will see him again or even hear from him again, but here is the best part: I don’t care!  Nothing changes the awesome time I had at the date.  It was an awesome re-entry into the dating world after a few months absent.   I am a simple girl and those simple sweet kisses will hold me up for awhile. I would not change anything about the date.

Was he really awesome or was I just in terrible need of a kiss? Who knows … 🙂

I realized how much I have been changing.  I am able to be in the moment and appreciate the moment without dreaming up a future and therefore not being disappointed if that future never comes!

“Mindfulness is like that—it is the miracle which can call back in a flash our dispersed mind and restore it to wholeness so that we can live each minute of life.” 
― Thích Nhất Hạnh