Tag Archives: insecurity

Heart, I am all ears and no blame, please talk to me!

19 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 51 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Evil draws its power from indecision and concern for what other people think.” ― Pope Benedict XVI

All of a sudden I am having trouble making decisions.  This is a new thing for me.  I always followed my heart (gut, instinct or whatever one calls that inner feeling that tells you exactly what to do) so decisions have always been easy and quick.  And once a decision was made I never wavered or second guessed myself.

I thought age would make me even more secure of my actions, but  I find it is just the opposite. My usual self-assured self is feeling unsure.  I seem to be avoiding and postponing making decisions. My mind feels clouded  and noisy.  I find myself now in that precarious boat of self-doubt.   Indecision, insecurity, fear, those are words that would never describe me, and yet at this moment it seems they do.

I never understood people that couldn’t make a decision. I thought they were either not listening to their heart or they heard it but were afraid to act.  I felt sorry for them. I also got annoyed when they questioned my, sometimes crazy, decisions. How can they question what my heart is telling me? Poor souls!

“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.” ― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

When I say I could always easily make a decision perhaps that is not the whole truth.  I could always make the tough decisions, but easy ones always eluded me.  It takes me forever to decide what to order in a restaurant and after I order I always think the the other person made a better choice.  But when it came to big, hard, life changing decisions I just knew which way to go, what to do.

Now I find myself trying to listen to that inner voice and all I hear is the chatter of self doubt and confusion.  Where is that knowing feeling? How do I get it back?

I realized that I started talking to people about my plans in the expectation that they are going to agree with me or, worst yet, tell me what I should do.   Who am I becoming? Since when I need people to help me with decisions in my life?

At this moment I am struggling with 2 things. (Is this my attempt to try to get your opinion and approval? perhaps…  🙂 )

1. Should I take my Mom to Israel for her 80th birthday?  I promised my mother a trip there years ago and I decided now is the time. Then it seems not to be the right time.  I am not exactly waiting for peace in the Middle East, but now seems to be worst than ever.  She is okay with going some place else, but Israel was always her dream. What if something happens?  Am I being careless with her life?

2. Do I buy a 2 bedroom apartment or stay in my one bedroom? I don’t have space for guests (Mom comes twice a year and stays 1 month each time) or to do my mosaics, so a larger apartment would improve my life.  But am I being too materialistic and greedy? What if something happens and I go into financial ruin?

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” ― Charles F. Stanley

I have a feeling that this uncertainty is just another side effect of the break up. When I met Ex I jumped head first following my heart blindly. Then it all fell apart.   Do I unconsciously blame my heart?  How could it have been so wrong?

How do I get back to trusting my opinion and judgement?  I don’t know but I am going to try.  I will start by:

1. Coming to the understanding that my heart was not wrong.  Ex was The One for 3 years, but not a lifetime.  He had a part to play in my life and once he was done with teaching me and helping me progress to a next level he did me a favor by letting me go.

2. Stop looking for approval and guidance from everyone.   I will only share my plans once I have already made a decision. Having too many different opinions is just confusing my mind.

3. Shut out the noise around so I can better hear my heart.  Having more quiet time/meditative time.  I need to make room and time for my heart.  But also read more, write more, anything that gets my mind flowing and my heart’s voice out.

4.  Last but not least I will pray more. I will be more grateful for all the guidance that I have received (did I ever thank my heart for all the years of good service and guidance?) but I will also ask for more.  I don’t care how hard the road is, all I care is that I am on the right road.

The bottom line is that I know I am blessed and I will be okay no matter what. This uncertainty just means that I need to have more faith.  This is a wake up call and I am wide awake now!

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”  – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

 

When is a lie a lie?

12 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“When truth is replaced by silence,the silence is a lie.” – ― Yevgeny Yevtushenko

The last few days I have been wrestling with that question:  When is a lie a lie?

To me there is really no gray area.  If someone withholds the truth then he/she is lying.  Not only it is a lie, but it is also an enormous lack of respect.  Does the person think I am not deserving of the truth?  Or perhaps he/she thinks I cannot handle the truth?

But upon further thinking, I have fudged the truth in the past to protect the innocent or not to worry someone needlessly, such as when my mother asks me if everything is fine and even though all is not well I tell her it is because I know she will go insane with worry.

But when even before getting to know someone the person hides the truth makes me feel weird. It seems we are starting with a lie.  What else is he hiding?  Let me explain:

I went on a date with someone on Friday night.  His age on his profile was listed at 51.   In reality he is turning 62 in 2 months.

We hadn’t spoken on the phone before meeting but we had exchanged many emails so I feel he had plenty of chance to come clean and he didn’t.  He could have told me when we first met, again he did not.  He only told me when I asked.  I am not even sure why I asked, because he doesn’t look that age.

“One lie has the power to tarnish a thousand truths.” ― Al David

Many people shave a few years off of their age in their profiles.  Some say they do that because they look and feel younger for their age.  Others say they put in the wrong date originally and then they cannot change it.  Whatever the excuse maybe,  to me it is just that, an excuse.

With all that being said I am going to dinner with him again tonight!

I would normally dismiss him for that reason alone but I am trying to be more open-minded and not too judgmental of people.  I also think that people deserve a second changed, so I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.   I would hate for somebody to dismiss me for some stupid reason and not give me a second chance.

Also I had a great time on the date.  He was a gentleman and it felt like I was having dinner with an old friend.

But, there is always a “but”, can I get over the fact that he hid that little detail from me.  At this point I question if he is hiding anything else.  Can I ever trust him?

Am I making a big deal of it and trying, again, to sabotage a potential relationship.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Now the other, and perhaps, more important question is, am I going to be okay with the age difference?  I am going to be 48 at the end of the month but I do look much younger.  I usually say that I am 47, look like I am 37, act like I am 27 and feel like 17.

But really, is age just a number?

Can I handle the age difference?  He doesn’t look or act like he is older than me. The funny thing is that the last person I briefly dated, actually dated is not the right word, we went out several times but decided that being friends was a better idea, well he is 32.

It is just funny to go from 32 to 62 – wow, it sounds ridiculous even to me!!!  I need to find someone my own age!!

Also one think I crave in a man is confidence! Lying about age sounds like insecurity.  Perhaps I find more acceptable for a woman to lie about her age than for men to do it.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”- ― Lucille Ball