A non-date date

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“If you don’t do it this year, you’ll be one year older when you do.” ― Warren Miller

I had a quick date on Wednesday night.  I met this guy months ago on OKCupid.  I am not longer on that site.  He left the site first and gave me his number so we could keep in touch.

I eventually texted him and we started exchanging messages.  Even though we live only 30 minutes apart, it was hard to make plans to meet until now. 

We chose to meet in Bronxville, NY.  It is has a charming downtown.  We were going to meet at Starbucks, but when I got there he was standing outside.  They had just closed.  It was good thing. We walked around and found a better place.

“I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.”  Tim Daly

The place we found is called Slave to the Grind. It reminded me of coffee shops in skiing resort towns, which was apropos since this was more of a skiing date, then a romantic date.

Let me explain: One of the reasons that we connected was our love of skiing.  Mine is more of a platonic love, since I seldom ski, and I am not really good at it.  His, is a full blown love affair. He has been skiing since he was 10, and still races from time to time.  

I just found out yesterday that he has a home in Whistler, BC, which is my absolute favorite place on earth! Icing on the cake!

He is over 60 years old, but I don’t remember his exact age, and didn’t want to ask again.  He looks younger in person.  Taller than me, bald, smart, cultured and personable. He is involved in international business.  Mostly retired now, he does some consulting on the side. 

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”  Steven Wright

We started talking as if we have known each other for years, and not just months of texting.  It was not a long date.  We mostly talked about our backgrounds and of course, skiing.

He invited me to go skiing on Sunday and I said yes.  I think he can teach me a lot.  I am hoping to get a few pointers and perhaps gain more confidence.

Even though he is a great person it seems that we are both more into being skiing friends than anything else.  It felt more like meeting a skiing buddy than a potential boyfriend.  I think that, at this point, I am more excited about finding a skiing partner than a love match. 

Before I forget, I had the mocha with oat milk and a scone.  The mocha was delicious and the scone was bad.  Is tasted old, I don’t think they make their own baked goods. I would go back for the coffee. He had a cappuccino, which I believe he enjoyed. 🙂

Skiing report coming on Monday!  Wish me luck!

“The problem with winter sports is that — follow me closely here — they generally take place in winter.”  Dave Barry

Being taken for a ride, almost

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“Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space they occupy. They wonder why others often fail to treat them with respect–not realizing that they have signaled others that it is not necessary to treat them with respect.”  Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

This week I thought I would have more time to write and to take care of some things I had planned, but, you know what they say about plans…

My co-worker had a family emergency, so I had to add her functions to my list of things to do.   I canceled most of what I had scheduled for this week, but I kept a car appointment and a quick coffee date tonight.

My car appointment yesterday left me thinking that I was being taken for a fool. I hate that feeling.  The feeling that you can never let your guard down.

I went in for an oil change and was offered all kinds of extras, that I may or may not need.  I said no to $1,340.00 worth of services. I said I just wanted to do the oil change and would decide on the extras the next time, which I think is what I said last time.

They send me coupons all the time, but normally when I am about to get the oil changed, I never find them.  This time a coupon had just arrived the day before.   I showed him the coupon and said I would like to use it.  He said that the coupon was for a specific oil that it was not what my car takes. But there was another coupon with it, that it would get me a discount and instead of $1,340.00 I would have to pay only $1,072.00.

I tried to argue and ask why was I sent something that I was not going to be able to use.  The coupon specifically mentioned my car.  He said that it said so in some small print.

He said that he would still give me a promotional fee of $59.95.  The coupon was for $39.95.  Not wanting to argue and needing to get to work, I just said ok, go ahead.

Still feeling annoyed, I added, can I have my coupon back?  As he handed it to me, I said: “I want to make a few phone calls and give Honda a piece of my mind.  This is false advertisement, or some type of bait-and-switch scam, but whatever it is, it is not right.”

He then said. “Don’t worry about it, I am going to talk to my manager and we can give you that price”.

Stuff like that makes me mad.  The upselling, the misleading, anyone trying to get one over the next guy.  Does this happen to me because I am a woman, or perhaps I just look like an unsuspecting fool?

As a side note, do you know what type of services is really necessary for a 5-year-old Honda HRV with only 13,000 miles?

Thank you for visiting today 😊 May your day be blessed! ♥

I will come back tomorrow and report on my quick coffee date tonight. 

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”  Soren Kierkegaard

 

Tenant, you go bye bye, so I can fly, fly

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“We tend to overpack. If it does not add value to your life journey, don’t bring it along for the ride.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

The business of being a landlord is great, but not for me.

I had great tenants in the past, that paid on time and never had any complaints. And some not so great. At the moment I have one of those.  He pays late and complains about every little thing, at all hours of day and night.

I am at fault for not setting him straight from the beginning.  I catered to every little thing he wanted, and didn’t make a big deal of the late rent.  All of a sudden, years have gone by and I am feeling like a hostage.

“Don’t plan for the future until you have removed and unpacked the baggage on your back.” ― Charles F Glassman

In 2019 I sold the other rental I had.  I thought I would regret selling it, because I loved the place, but instead I felt lighter.  I no longer dread the calls from the tenant or from the super of that building.

I didn’t want to sell both condos in the same year.  Also, since this is a one bedroom apartment, and by this time my tenant is married with 2 little kids; I thought that he would be moving out sooner, rather then later.  He never did.

In 2020, when I was about to ask him to move out,  there came Covid.  In 2021 it was the same story.

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Finally, this January, I gave him notice to move out by April 15th.  He is now complaining that 3 months is not enough time for them to move out.  No matter what, the apartment will go on the market on April 16.

I cannot wait for it to be on the market and and to be sold. It will feel like I have shed another heavy layer.

In a prior post I mentioned, in response to a date’s question, that I wanted a series of homes in different places.  The truth is, I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, the idea is great; if they all came absolutely maintenance free.  That would be a perfect world, where material possessions didn’t require any looking after.

“No baggage – there was the secret of existence.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson, The Wrecker

In this not-so-perfect world, the more one has, the more it takes to maintain.  It takes more money, more time, more energy, more dealing with painful people, etc.  I don’t want any more of that, than I already have to deal with.

I aim to have less.  Less to worry about.  It helps that I am disliking shopping more and more.  I have to buy a bedroom set and and I keep avoiding dealing with it. I wish I could go without a car also, but it is a necessary evil.

I want to get rid of stuff.  I want to feel lighter and unencumbered.   I want less baggage, less energy spent taking care of maintaining stuff.  I don’t want to be tied to places and things. I don’t want to spend energy on things.

I want to be so light that I can feel like I can fly.

Wishing you a light weekend full of light and blessings!

“Only, in the end, you will realize. Among all the baggage you carried all your life, you didn’t own most of them. And the remaining weren’t as important as you always thought or expected it to be.” – Akshay Vasu, The Musings of Light and Darkness: Collection of words for the wandering souls

 

Right or wrong, just trying to be a good neighbor

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“One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.” ― Charles Baudelaire, Paris Spleen

I finally got my bedroom floors finished.  Originally I had a friend of mine start doing it. He is a contractor, but mostly does painting.  I had him do it because I like to throw business his way any time I can.  I also was confident that he could do it.  I was wrong!

I told him to keep the padding that I had under the carpet.  He didn’t know enough to know that vinyl plank floors cannot have the same padding as carpets.  In the end, after he was almost done with my sister’s bedroom he realized the problem.

That meant that he would have to remove all the planks, remove the padding and start it all over.  I was already stressed out over work and other stuff and over the fact that he didn’t check about the padding before, that I paid him and stopped the job.  It was better to have unfinished floors than to lose a friendship of over 30 years.

“If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.”
― Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

I bought 2 huge rugs and put them down and decided to wait until I was less stressed to continue.  Then covid hit.

Fast forward 2 years.  After waiting for the pandemic to be over, I gave up and decided to just get it done.  This time I got a professional floor installer to do the job.  I notified our condo management company and provided the insurance and the contractor’s license.  

Sometimes management will post on the elevator about work being done so that the neighbors will know about it.  This time they didn’t.  I figured they knew it was a little job and decided it was not necessary.

On the first day, the neighbors in the apartment below mine, emailed me to complain about the “very loud, disturbing” noise.  They were both working from home.

This is vinyl planks, not hardwood.  The only noise is at the end when the baseboard trim has to be nailed down.  I think my neighbors were being extra sensitive.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” ― Benjamin Franklin

Still, I don’t mind taking the high road.  I replied apologizing about the inconvenience.  Then, on the way home I stopped by a liquor store and bought a very nice bottle of Amarone wine.

I knocked on my neighbor’s door and said: “I wanted to say I am sorry in person. Here is a peace offering”.  They were surprised.

I didn’t need to do that, but I know they are wine drinkers and I thought a bottle of wine would go a long way in maintaining good neighborly relations.

My floors took a day and a half to be completed.  I have some pictures below.  Now I need to finally buy a bedroom set for my bedroom (I had gotten rid of mine before doing the floors).  I will post pictures of the bedrooms when they are all done and furnished.

“It doesn’t mean I am afraid of conflict or don’t know how to stand up for myself. I am getting to a place right in the middle where I feel good about exactly how much I apologize. It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate.”  Amy Poehler, Yes Please

My bedroom

My bedroom

My sister’s bedroom

Old-fashioned much?

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“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

I finally met J. for a 4th date.   I was hoping that I would feel differently seeing him again, but I feel the same way.  Not too much excitement.  He is a great guy but the little chemistry that seemed to be there is gone.  

The absence didn’t make the heart grow fonder.  It made it grow indifferent.

I was honest with him, that I was feeling overwhelmed and pressured by all his attention, texting and calling.  It felt too much, too soon.  I felt he was in love with the idea of me and a relationship.

He mentioned that when I had Covid he wanted to send me flowers but didn’t have my apartment number.  I said I was glad that he didn’t, it would have been nice, but way too much too soon. He said that even if we were just friends he would still send me flowers if I was sick.  I doubt that.

On the first date he had mentioned that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was overdoing with the texting and sending pictures daily.  I pointed out now that he was doing the same thing to me.  He said he understood.  He said he was okay with just being friends.

“I can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” ― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

His birthday was on the beginning of January, so before we ordered our drinks and meals I mentioned that I was going to treat him for his birthday.  He didn’t want to accept, but finally agreed.

We always talk a lot, with some agreeing and disagreeing about different topics.  At one point he asked me what I wanted for my future, how I saw my future.

I answered that I wasn’t sure and didn’t really have my future/retirement planned out.  Then, I added that it would be perfect to have an apartment in Manhattan, one in Paris, a chalet on a skiing mountain and, for good measure, a beach house. 

He said: “Good luck with finding a man to give you that!”

I was taken aback, and honestly shocked and disappointed with his comment. It stopped me on my tracks.  I said to him:

“What? Why can I achieve that and more on my own?  You didn’t ask me what I was looking for in a man, or for a man to give me.  

He said that he was sorry, that he was joking.  But the damage was done.  Is that really what he thinks of me, and women? 

This clearly illustrates that he has no idea of who I am.  No one that knows me, would ever say that, even joking. We other points where we disagreed, and again he said he was joking.

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
― Henry Winkler

As I mentioned here, I don’t ever want to pay on the first date (I have at times when I knew I was never going to see the guy again and felt sorry he had overspent).  As a rule, I don’t care if it is a cup of coffee, I want to be treated on the first date.  On other dates, I don’t have a problem splitting the bill, or taking turns paying, like I do with my friends. 

With J., it has been no different.  After the first date, I offered to split the bill or treat him.  He always said no, and added that he would never have me pay.  Still, I have tried.  

If I wanted a guy to give me material things, I would have stayed with some of the rich guys I have met in the past, chemistry or not.  But that is not what I look for.  

What I want most is summed up by Steve Maraboli:

“I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship… sex that

drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.”

Financially speaking, I don’t care what a man does for a living as long as it is honest, and hopefully it is something he is not miserable doing.   

He doesn’t need to be rich, all he needs is to be able to support himself.  I have no interest in doing that.

I don’t need or want a man to support me either.  I have been doing that very well since I was 17 years old, and I plan on continuing to do so.

Who knows, maybe I will have the apartment in Manhattan and in France, the house in the mountains and the house on the beach.  Achieving it all, all by myself! 😉

The next morning he sends me a picture. I guess he didn’t get it.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” ― Lady Gaga

I am happy Rosita is still here.

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“I am incapable of conceiving infinity, and yet I do not accept finity. I want this adventure that is the context of my life to go on without end.”
― Simone de Beauvoir , La Vieillesse

My cell phone rang and it was a number that I didn’t recognize.  Immediately I thought it was a telemarketer trying to sell me car insurance or whatever it is they are peddling this week.

I wasn’t going to answer but at the last minute, for some reason, I felt compelled to.  On the other end, there was this little voice that asked: Ana, is that you?

It was Rosita, this wonderfully little older lady that my mother and I met when we travelled to Israel in 2015.  She was in the same tour group we were and we hit if off immediately.

“Only when a person reaches old age can he stop caring about the opinions of his fellows, or of the public, or of the future.” ― Milan Kundera, Life is Elsewhere

She is of Pilipino ancestry and lives in Los Angeles.  Since we met in 2015, we talk on the phone a couple of times a year and have sent each other a little treat here and there.

The last couple of years I have tried calling her, but her number would just ring.  There was no message or beep for me to leave a voice mail.  I assumed that she had passed away.  She is going to be 90 years old and with Covid disrupting our lives and robbing us of loved ones for the last 2 years, I thought it was the only conclusion.

I am glad to have her back.  She explained that she has had health issues, had been in and out of hospital.  She no longer has the cell phone, using mostly a landline now. 

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” ― Sophia Loren

She was going through some pictures from her travels and found a picture that we took together.  She searched for my number and found it and was happy that she got me.

She is still funny, talking with a laugh here and there.  She is the type of person that exudes kindness and energy, in her voice and her being.  She was a joy in Israel and today she has been the bright spot of my day.

She mentioned again that she has a house with plenty of rooms for me and my mom to come and visit.  I really hope to have the chance and time to travel and visit her,  and all my friends across the US and overseas, before their light, or mine, gets extinguished.

 “The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

My very talented Mom

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“Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.” -― Stephen King

I had complained to my mom that my sister had a towel with little girls on it and I didn’t.  Mom set out to correct that. The result is the cute towel above.

I am very proud of my mom.  She has always been a hard-worker, honest and generous to a fault.  She is the type of person that, given the opportunity, could have been anything she wanted. 

Instead, she had to start working very early, at the age of 7.  Yes, 7!!  She only went to third grade in school, but is smarter than most graduates that I know. It was a sad childhood.  A poor family, 14 kids, she was the baby.  Her father died when she was 4 years old.  She says that when he died she lost her protector.  She adored him. 

Eventually I will write more about her life.  This post is about her beautiful macramé towels. 

Mom will be 87 years old in a couple of months.  She has been always very active, working and doing her crafts.  She hasn’t done much lately because of her issues with her hip.  She has been in a lot pain, so she spends a lot time resting now. 

She has always done knitting and crocheting. At the age of 70 she took a few classes and started oil painting.  My walls are covered with her paintings. I am not sure if I have posted them here before, but I will make sure to post them.

Then, she taught herself how to do macramé by reading some craft magazines.   Macramé is a craft that is done by knotting yarn, and other similar material.   It was a dying art that has become popular again.  It requires patience, precision and persistence.

It has taken her weeks to remind herself how to do the macramé knots for little girls, but she did it!  I admire her constant wanting to learn, relearning and challenging herself. Be it a new recipe, a new macramé knot, or a new painting.  

Below are some of the towels that she has made in the past for my sister and I.  She has made dozens more as gifts to friends.  She also has taught a few people how to do it.  Not everyone that she tried to teach was able to learn, but a couple are doing it well.

My mom’s life now is very different from her childhood.  My parents are spoiled by my siblings and I.  We try to make them happy, inasmuch as we can do that.

“Learning is an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity, and a provision in old age.” ― Aristotle

“The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it. ”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.” ― Émile Zola

“According to this law [the law of Dharma], you have a unique talent and a unique way of expressing it. There is something that you can do better than anyone else in the whole world–and for every unique talent and unique expression of that talent, there are also unique needs. When these needs are matched with the creative expression of your talent, that is the spark that creates affluence. Expressing your talents to fulfill needs creates unlimited wealth and abundance.” ― Deepak Chopra

 

 

 

 

What was he thinking?

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“Long before morning I knew that what I was seeking to discover was a thing I’d always known. That all courage was a form of constancy. That it is always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals come easily.” ― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

On March 1, 2022 my blog will turn 10 years old.  My blog started thanks to a boyfriend that broke my heart.

The pain and betrayal was so great that I thought I would die of a broken heart.  One day I think I am living a fairy tale, the next I find out he was cheating.  He never acknowledged or apologized.  He just, very coldly said: ” I am very busy with all my businesses, it is best you move out”.

Move out I did.  He hinted at one day getting back together.  I wanted to buy into that, but eventually I wised up and understood the manipulation.

This whole time he has had a girlfriend living with him, and he will still try to reach out.

Last time I saw him was in 2017 when I sold him back the car that he had given me.  Here, I describe that day:

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/07/07/facing-the-one-that-broke-my-heart/

Since then he reaches out to wish my sister and I a happy birthday or a Merry Christmas.  I never reply.  He doesn’t take the hint. Narcissists and manipulators never do, even if you spell it out for them.  One time I replied to him: ” Pretend I am dead”.

This Christmas he texted.  I ignored.

Then on New Years, I received the text below. I blocked my sister’s name on it.

It makes no sense.  The text would suggest that we have been speaking and that we have a conversation going.

That is him.  He creates his own reality.  He believes his own stories.  Of course I didn’t reply and will not.

I cannot begin to imagine what goes on on his mind, other than the fact that this is what a true manipulator, narcissistic person does.  They ignore reality.  They believe their own lies and create alternate realities.

I keep in contact with his mother, so I am assuming she told him that I was sick with covid and he thought using a sauna would be good.

I never talk to his mother about him. If she ever mentions anything about him, I just change the subject.

I just wanted to share this craziness here and file this under “What Was He thinking?”

The answer is: Who knows? Who cares?  

MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:

When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.

Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:

• He’s not the man I thought he was.
• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know
what to do
• The relationship may be over.

Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”
― Susan Forward, When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

What is less than a break up, but still a break up?

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“Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel.”
― Graham Greene, The Comedians

After 3 dates I had to cancel the 4th because of Covid.  He wanted to meet up last week, but I was still not 100% and decided to wait.  Then the following day he said he didn’t wake up feeling well.  He hasn’t been well ever since.  Yesterday, 7 days later, he finally took a home test and it was positive.

I don’t know when I will see him next.  The sad part is that I don’t care.  In the beginning of this potential relationship, I should be looking forward to seeing him, to talking on the phone, etc; and I am not. 

I feel overwhelmed by his attention, by the daily texting and wanting to talk on the phone.  He is kind, considerate, smart, such a great person.  But it all feels a bit too much to me. I feel drained at times.

“I felt as if each person within visual range were slowly draining the life from me. We were all connected, and the more them there were, the more I wanted to crawl under a table and cry.” ― Shaun David Hutchinson, We Are the Ants

He doesn’t know me yet. It feels like his excitement is not really about me, but the idea of me, the idea of a relationship.  If it really is about me, then he is definitely more into me, than I am into him. 

From the beginning I didn’t feel a lot chemistry, but I sensed potential.  I figured we would go on a few more dates and let things flow.  Instead, it feels I must make a decision now, otherwise I may be leading him on.

I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone or on text, but I don’t feel I can wait anymore. I have mentioned to him before, how I feel pressured if it is too much too soon, but I don’t think he really understood.

It feels like a breakup, but when is a break up a break up?  We had 3 dates. I feel he tried to speed things up, and covid put a wrench on things, but I don’t feel we were a relationship yet.  

I think this is the case that if we were right for each other I would just welcome the attention and not feel pressured.  With the right person everything feels right.  

“I’ll tell you something, Harpy,” he said, his voice almost a whisper now. “It never even occurred to me that we wouldn’t make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything.” ― Kristan Higgins, My One and Only

The only time when it is good to be negative

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“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ― Lao Tzu

“The First wealth is health.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

On Saturday we all took covid home tests again and we all (my sister, my cousin and myself) tested negative.  I knew it would be negative, but it felt so good to see it.

I am back to feeling like myself.  I wouldn’t say I am 100% but I am pretty close. My energy level is back, but I am still taking it easy and not over doing it. 

I chewed ginger for a few days and I feel that it helped to get my sense of taste back.

Last night was the first day I was out.  I went to dinner with my friend and it felt so freeing and fun.

Today was my first day back in the office since Dec 28.  I just like working in the office so much better than working from home.  I get so much more done.  I worked everyday from home, but it felt like a struggle every day.

At the office, I put away the Christmas decorations.  I watered my plants.  I got tons of work done.  I went to the gym for a 30 minute walk. It is awesome to feel productive and active gain.  

Nothing is better to make us appreciate life more than being sick for awhile. When one is sick, all that is important is getting healthy.  Everything else takes a back seat. 

Feeling healthier again makes me feel like I can now conquer the world. 2022 – watch out, here I come!

“A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.” ― Pema Chodron