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Below is the text that B sent after I didn’t reply to: “Boy you don’t waste time” 

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I was speechless.  This guy needs mental help, was my first thought. He created this whole narrative that I didn’t want to see him, while the truth is I had changed things around to see him.

Who does he think he is talking to?  I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but clearly he is delusional. So I chose silence.

In a way I am happy.  All of a sudden I realized that I was getting into an abusive relationship.  He showers me with flowers and compliments, then he flips when I don’t have time to see him . Then he apologizes and promises not to do it again.

There were many instances and things he said; there were many details that gave me pause.  I was starting to think that I was imagining things and causing all this drama.

Every time he said or behaved in some way that was unacceptable, he apologized and I gave in.  I felt sorry for him, since I felt he loved me so much. I tried to rationalize his behavior.  This is what victims of abuse do, they rationalize the other person’s behavior.  They start making excuses for the other person.  They forget about their own feelings and wants.

In this whole short lived relationship I knew something was off.  My gut, my instinct were telling me that something was off.  I tried to make this relationship work.   From the beginning B and I didn’t speak the same language.  He didn’t seem to understand or grasp all I was saying.  I ignored it and thought that it would get better.

There seemed to be always suspicion on his part.  Some kind of paranoia, always saying I was choosing someone else.  When he insisted on seeing me when I couldn’t, he would say: “Is it bad that I am crazy about you, and want to see you more often?”

My answer was always: ” Yes, when it is suffocating me.”.  And it was.  Still he didn’t change.

He seemed to act out, be moody, lash out on text, anytime I was not available.  In person he was the sweetest and would apologize for being so demanding of my time, and would say he will do better. I believed it.

I am relieved to be getting off of this rollercoaster. I am wiser now to certain manipulative behaviors in name of love.  Love should never be an excuse to accept damaging behavior.

“Make sure you’re not saying ‘It’s complicated’ when it’s actually TOXIC. The more words it takes you to explain your relationship, the less healthy it probably is.” ― Steve Maraboli

What I learned:

  • When someone shows you who they are, trust them the first time. Don’t make excuses for the person and don’t accept subpar treatment. Bad behavior only escalates.
  • If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit, move on. Don’t force a relationship because it seems so potentially good, or because those around you think it is perfect for you.
  • Listen to your gut and don’t be so quick to ignore signs. I brushed off certain details that gave me pause.  I thought I was being picky.
  • Don’t be blinded by the attention, the potential and the flowers. Look at the actions and behavior.

Often at the end of any of my relationships, short or long lived, I always feel I didn’t say all I needed to say.  This time is different.  I said all I needed to say many times over, but clearly he is incapable of understanding.

If I could make him understand anything at this point, it would be that he needs help. For now, if he comes to mind I say a silent prayer to him.  May he find the help and understanding he needs.  

****

After that text on May 8,  I blocked him. Then reached out on May 10 on WhatsApp.  I thought I had blocked him there also, but clearly I had not as yesterday (May 14) he send me an additional one.  He is now blocked on both. I am not tempted to hear from him or reach him.  I am indifferent.

 

My story with him is officially over, but the lessons will remain forever. 

This is a caution to everyone out there. No one is immune from falling into an abusive relationship.  I consider myself smarter than most when it comes to dating, and still I was falling victim to mental abusive and manipulation. Why did I keep giving him second chances?  

These types of behavior only escalates.  I was starting to feel powerless.  I am so glad that it is over.  Now, while in Brazil, I am focusing on taking care of my parents, going to Pilates daily, and working.  

The search continues.

“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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