Monthly Archives: March 2019

Cruel or just clueless?

29 Friday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“I have lived on the lip
of insanity, wanting to know reasons,
knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside.” – Rumi

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning, you know that I started it 7 years ago due to a broken heart that was making me go insane.  This blog allowed me to get all the pain out without hurting others or myself.

All my readers/friends have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today: happy, free, ready to love again.  It took me years to be totally over the the person that broke my heart.  He is mostly a name from the past, a chapter in the book of my life that I don’t care to re-read.

Today, I get this email, that he made sure to send to both my professional and personal emails.

“Subject: Happy Birthday to my favorite twins in the whole wide world

I’m pretty sure that I remember you have a birthday at the end of March although I don’t know the number I remember that it’s a little bit before Nancy’s (one of his sisters) birthday please give each other a hug and a kiss from me and all the best wishes and love to you and your entire family

If you allow it I’d love to take you both out for lunch or dinner in New Rochelle or the city or White Plains anything that would work for either of you I would like to try to work out

Love”

I was annoyed at receiving that.  How dare he make this attempt to make it seem that we can have a regular friendly relationship?

I don’t hold any grudges over anyone or anything.  I normally always keep the door open for people to come and go as they please.  If anything I give too many second chances.  I am friends with guys I dated, and I am always willing to let everyone back in.  I believe in second chances and redemption.

But with him it is different.  I believed with all my heart he was the One.

The pain was too intense.  The betrayal was too raw.  The disrespect was uncalled for in every way.  There was the game playing and manipulation.  Knowing I was in pain he made it seem there was a chance to reconcile.  I am ashamed to say that there was a point back there when I was willing to overlook everything to just be with him.  I thank the heavens that in the end he never wanted to work things out.

And then there was the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating and never said sorry.

I forgive, I forgave, and I forget… for the most part, until he decides to rear his ugly head.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ― Rumi

Older, wiser and still crazy

26 Tuesday Mar 2019

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Date 6 with D. was a week ago. We went to a Italian restaurant near my house and had pizzette and wine.  We have been meeting every Saturday but yesterday I had already scheduled a sleepover with my goddaughter and her sister so we couldn’t meet then. On Sunday he had to travel for business.  We will see each other this coming weekend if he is back by then.

He is such a sweet, nice gentleman, probably a bit more on the shier side than I am used to. We are cultivating a slow friendship, and that is probably the best way to go at this point since we don’t know when his life will be less tangled.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – ― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

My sister and I will turning 53 this Thursday,  March 28.  I cannot believe I am that age already. Where did time go?  I was 30 yesterday.  I have so much to see and do still, it doesn’t seem there will be enough time.  How can I make every second count? How can I not lose sight of what is really important in life and not get bogged down in stupidity?

We had so many ideas of what to do to celebrate our birthdays, but again timing is not on our side.  I have this audit and other matters hanging over my head and she is getting ready to start a new job on April 1st.  She got the job she wanted.  It is in a Brazilian financial company that is growing by leaps and bounds.  It is entry level but she will learn a lot and there is a lot potential for growth.  The salary is entry level too but at this point she can manage on that.

We have so many reasons to be grateful and celebrate! The list is very long.  It is easy to get bogged on the adversities.  It is easy to take one difficulty and let it take over my life.  It is easy to fall into the victim mode.  But at the end of the day I know the list of my blessings is immense by any measurement stick.

“You solve it as you get older, when you reach the point where you’ve tasted so much that you can somehow sacrifice certain things more easily, and you have a more tolerant view of things like possessiveness (your own) and a broader acceptance of the pains and the losses.”  –  Ted Hughes, Letters of Ted Hughes

So we decided to just choose a local restaurant that we haven’t gone to before.  And because I can be crazy sometimes I decided to let a ghost from the past join us.  What is life if not for the crazy moments?

I think I mentioned a guy I dated 12 years ago that texts me every now and then.  For the past few years I mostly ignore him since he has a girlfriend and I don’t want any issues.  Lately though I started replying to his texts and surprisingly we have become friends.  I replied because he was not flirty and seemed genuine about just a friendship.  He knows that friendship is the best he will ever get from me and he says he is happy and honored with that.

He had mentioned wanting to buy me dinner to celebrate my birthday.  Well, he has been inviting me to dinner every single time we text, but I had decided not to meet him.  I changed my mind and said I would meet him.  I thought he would not take me up on going out with my sister and I, but he jumped at the chance.

I think it will be fun seeing him again since I don’t even remember what he looks like.

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” ― George Carlin

I continue to prepare all the documentation necessary for the audit.   There are moments I go crazy thinking of all the potential issues and all that can wrong.   Still there are moments that I am calm and serene.  It has been a roller-coaster of emotions.

Slowly I can see the good in this audit. It will be good to see if some of what I am doing is actually up to par to all that is what is required.  Did we improve from the last audit? And perhaps it will bring about some changes to what we have been doing.  I don’t agree with all that we do and how we do it.  We don’t do anything illegal but still I see areas where change would be welcome and would probably make my job easier.

“Make improvements, not excuses. Seek respect, not attention.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

 

Learning to be okay when things are not okay

16 Saturday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ― Lao Tzu

The regulatory agency for my industry audited my firm 4 years ago for the first time.  It was a nightmare.   Now they are knocking on our door again.  They already started requesting documents even though they are not coming into our offices until April 1st.

My stress level is beyond control.  Not that we are doing anything wrong.  We aren’t.  Well, I don’t think we are, but I fear some new regulation that just came to pass and I am not yet aware of it.

There is so much stuff that they ask for.  There is so much information to collect.  So many questions to answer.  So many numbers to explain.  I do everything for the firm, from Human Resources to Finance and everything else in between.  Of course, I am also the Compliance person.  Everything is on me, and that pressure and weight of the situation some times gets to me.

I worry about every little detail.  I try to go over the compliance rules looking for something I may have missed. I am driving myself nuts.

“Only 8% of our worry will come to pass. 92% of our worry is wasted. DON’T PANIC” ― Mark Gorman

This is already my busy time of the year with reports to produce, bonuses to pay, new insurance benefits to choose, etc.  Now that!  Another year that I didn’t take my one week skiing vacation. With all the work stuff and waiting for the closing of the apartment I never found the time to take some time off.

This entire week I have been leaving home at 6:30am and getting back at 9pm.  It is just too much and not healthy.  At times, such as now,  I realize the importance of going on vacation.  Not to run away from problems, but to recharge and relax.

Some people think, erroneously, that a vacation will fix everything.  Wrong!  You come back and the problems are right there, sitting, waiting for you to walk through the door.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Instead I rather stay and deal with the problems head on and not run away from it.  So right now I can’t wait for the auditors to come already and do what they need to do.

But you better believe that I will be more diligent about making sure that I get plenty of time away from work.  One needs to make sure to take the time to get away and recharge, have contact with nature, read more, exercise more, and have plenty of time doing nothing.

Stressed or not, life moves on.  I Keep trying to remind myself that it is not what happens to me but how I react to it.  It is hard to remind myself of that while I am in the middle of a crises at the office.

Built into any problem there are amazing opportunities, so my job now is to uncover and discover those hidden blessings in being audited.  If anything, it is just another of life’s attempt to teach me that I am in control of absolutely nothing.

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’ One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger–but recognize the opportunity.” -― John F. Kennedy

 

Dates and Updates: the very young, the poor and the complicated

11 Monday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Update on dates:

The 33yr old guy. I knew that he was not dating material because of the age difference.  I was hoping we could have been friends as he was one of the nicest men I ever met.

He offered my sister a job and had said that there were no strings attached, that I was doing him a favor if she took the job.  He wanted me to stop by his store.  So on a Saturday I did.  He showed me around and at one point tried to hug me.  I pretended I didn’t understand it and moved away.

Immediately after vising the store we went out to lunch and had a great time laughing as old friends. We said good bye with a hug and there was no hint that there was anything wrong.  Then he disappeared. I got worried as this was a person that was texting me daily, many times to just say hi.

I reached out and after a few days he texted back saying that he had taken a few days off for vacation.   Whatever happened was just too odd, and I could tell something was off.  So I just let things fade away.  And my sister is staying away also.

Some things I cannot understand at the moment, but I thank my guardian angels and move on.  This is such a case.

“With the world as with people, you know only the tiny percentage you pay close attention to.” ― Steve Toutonghi, Side Life

The 48yr old student/professor. He was smart and fun.  He had asked me on a second date for Thursday and we said we would be in touch and decide where to go.

Then after a long silence he wrote to say that I was amazing but that he didn’t have a car and finances to treat me the way I deserved.  It was the weirdest text ever.  Full of compliments and then declaring poverty.

I normally never drive to meet anyone on the first date.  When I met him I decided to step outside my comfort zone and drive to his town, 20 minutes away and meet him at a lounge there.  I had one drink that probably cost $7.00.  While we didn’t talk about finances, I never made any comments about wanting to be wined and dined and he made it seem that he was not struggling.

I am not sure what he was angling here.  Did he want me to be driving to meet him all the time and to always pay for the dates?

That is definitely not happening.  While I have no problem paying my way or taking turns paying I am not about to start supporting anyone.  I respect and applaud his decision to go back to school and to get another degree but I don’t know him well enough to go down that road.

So I joked that that was the nicest let down ever.  He continued to text and said that he still wanted to see me.  I just said that we would continue talking and perhaps meet again, but we haven’t texted ever since.  I am not sure if friendship is an option either.

“Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” ― Suze Orman

Complicated D.  Yesterday was date number Five with D.  Not that I am keeping track 😉

I am not sure where it will go. I am trying hard not to have any expectations and to take things for what they are at the moment: two friends having dinner and getting to know each other.

This is how it normally goes: We meet at a restaurant. Have a fun time with great food and great conversation. After dinner we normally take a walk to my destination, the train, or my building.

We do some kissing good bye, a bit more passionate now, but nothing embarrassing. Then we do a bit of texting every other day until we meet again.

It seems everything is hanging in the balance until the sale of his house.  Until this house is sold nothing will happen. No divorce. No freedom.  It is a very expensive house, so it will not be that easy to sell.  I have my fingers crossed that his life gets uncomplicated soon.  In a way this waiting is good.  It forces us to go slow and not rush into anything.

“Are you aware that rushing toward a goal is a sublimated death wish? It’s no coincidence we call them ‘deadlines.” ― Tom Robbins

Enjoying the wait while dreaming of the future

05 Tuesday Mar 2019

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“You are a child of the universe, 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” 
― Max Ehrmann

I had another date with D.  This time he drove to my town on Saturday night.  We met at 9pm at a wine bar called Gnarly Vine.  We shared a pizza and a couple of glasses of wine.  We were there until 11:45pm.  We would have stayed longer but they normally close at 10:30pm.  We were the last ones to leave.

As usual we had a great time talking about everything.  He gave me a better insight on his various businesses.  I enjoyed mostly talking about the trips we want to take together.

He held my hand and mentioned how special he thinks I am and how happy he is to have found me.  Again he expressed his wish to have his house sold soon and be done with the divorce.  Again I tried to reassure him that I will be patient and wait.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. 
…live in the question.” -― Rainer Maria Rilke

In the meantime I manage my impatience by still being on dating sites and going on dates.  I told him about that and he seemed to understand.  I probably didn’t need to tell him that, but I don’t want miscommunication.   I pretend I don’t really care if he ever gets divorced, but after 4 dates I am really growing to like him and to dream about the possibility of a future together.

At this point he seems very sincere in his words, transparent in his actions and really interested in a future together. I am taking the “wait and see” approach. I am enjoying the moment regardless of the outcome.

Up to now there was only a couple of quick kisses, but that changed when he walked me home after the date on Saturday.  In the lobby of my building we exchanged some kisses that made me crave more of him.

He is also started texting more. I think he is starting to believe that this can become serious.

“A warrior of the Light is never in a hurry.  Time works in his favor; he learns to master his impatience and avoids acting without thinking.” ― Paulo Coelho, Warrior of Light

So, on that note yesterday I had a date with a student/professor.  A. is 48 years old and lives in a neighboring town.  He teaches and is also working on his second PhD, to go along with his many other degrees.  The conversation was stimulating to see the least.  We talked for many hours.  I think I would be the injection of fun that he needs in his life.  Last night after the date he sent me a text: “Really enjoyed being with you and wish the night didn’t have to end.  Attractive, caring, intelligence.”

He was a very nice man and last night asked for a second date on Thursday. I said yes, but now I am not sure. I guess there is no harm in seeing him again.

“If I cease searching, then, woe is me, I am lost. That is how I look at it – keep going, keep going come what may.” – Vincent van Gogh