“To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes I write a post and if I don’t publish it right away it loses its timing and meaning and I never publish it. This post is about PMS, an ever present thing in my life and therefore always timely. Still I was reluctant about publishing this post and presenting myself as this out of control person. In the end I feel this post is necessary to show me that I need to do something about it and perhaps to help at least one woman out there that perhaps is dealing with the same situation.
Even today, more than one week after the event, I am still unsettled by my reaction. It was all because of a ball! A small basketball!
I started the day before Thanksgiving feeling unsettled and I wasn’t sure why. I could tell that something was off about me. In hindsight I should have known I was PMSing big time, but because lately my period has not been as perfectly scheduled as before it never came to mind. I am normally aware of when I am PMSIng, so on those days I constantly tell myself to take it easy on myself and others and that the problems I am seeing are not as big as they seem.
Some of the wonderful brokers in my office, and please note the sarcasm in my voice, bought a mini basketball set. They placed it not too far from my door. Ball playing around me while I am working is one of my pet peeves. Under normal circumstances it makes me crazy. On Wednesday, after dealing with it for a couple of days, it made me absolutely nuts.
Besides all the noise, yelling, betting, etc, the ball would keep rolling in my office and I also couldn’t go to the kitchen without the chance of getting hit by it. I had already told them that if the ball rolled into my office again I would throw it away. Then the ball rolls in and before I grab it someone gets to it first. I lose it. I become enraged and blinded by the anger. I walked out and just yelled at the top of my lungs. I was just like a mother yelling at misbehaving kids. There was dead silence, no one dared to say a word.
I went back to my office and tried to get back to normal. After an hour or so one of my partners walks in and says that he has been sent on behalf of the group to ask if they could play ball. I said no. He then began to explain how the guys need an outlet on boring days. I can think of 10 different things, all business related, that they could be doing instead of playing ball. I raised my voice so that all could hear me and I said: “You know what, yes they can, but I am going to let you know that I am 2 seconds away from walking out of this office and never returning, so it is pretty much up to you” His face changed and he said: “oh, sorry, I didn’t know it was that bad”. He left, and there was no playing.
Again I am trying to recover and get back to normal, an hour or so passes and one of the brokers throws the ball in my office and comes and picks it up. I don’t know what he was thinking, I think he was trying to be funny. By this time I am fit to be tied, I don’t even remember what I said I just remember being loud and pushing him out of the door. I slammed the door so hard that a Christmas decoration I had on it broke in half.
“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Lao Tzu
With that I scared myself! I sat down and realized I went too far. I didn’t know who was that person that had just slammed that door. I am not a door slammer! I hate people that do that. I was immediately embarrassed and regretful of my actions. I should have dealt with things differently.
Later that evening I got my period and it all made sense, life came back to normal. I wish that I had had the foresight not to react and specially over-react. I know better! That is one of the things that I continue to try to work on: Non-reaction.
He, who reacts always loses. A low, controlled voice is more powerful than yelling. I know all that and yet at those times I lost all common sense.
I am embarrassed to be seen as this crazy out of control person, something that I am not. I am embarrassed I let events control me. I am embarrassed that I couldn’t take 5 seconds and think without reacting.
I know that PMS makes me crazy. I have often warned people that at this time I cry for no reason, I am a little short-tempered, etc, but never anything of this magnitude. This has been a huge wake up call.
“Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.” ― Elie Wiesel
On Friday after Thanksgiving I decided to work from home as I didn’t want to see anyone. This week I had the brilliant idea of moving the basketball set to another location. Now it is not as annoying, but still things were not over.
So this entire week all has been okay because I am back in control of my senses and also the ball has remained mostly on their side. There was a couple of incidents, because now they were betting each other to roll the ball into my office, so on Wednesday I confiscated the ball, but returned it on Friday.
The end of the story happened yesterday (Friday). Again I have the ball coming into my office or running by my door. At one point one of the guys gets the ball that rolled by my office and looks at me smiling. I said to him: It is not funny. I didn’t see but the boss was standing near my door. For the record the boss plays with them too, but he was not present on the day of my outburst the week before. The boss, thinking he was being funny and trying to get a rise out of me said: David is still laughing. Completely in control and not being loud, I got up walked over to where the boss was and said: “It will be hilarious when I walk out and don’t return because of a ball”
There was this silence and seconds later he comes into my office with the ball in his hands, takes my letter opener and punches holes in the ball and says to me: “I will never lose you over a ball!”
He proceeded to also place the basketball set outside in the garbage. Now I am the villain of the office, which I don’t have a problem with that, someone has to be the one trying to make it seem that we have a professional business here. One of the guys already asked me I am happy that their game was thrown away. I am not happy or sad, just disappointed that things got to that point.
I am ambivalent about the boss’s actions. I think he shouldn’t have allowed the game there in the first place. I do understand that our environment is more laid back than most offices and he wants to provide a friendly atmosphere, but I feel that things were getting a bit out of control.
My plan of attack initially, besides paying more attention to the calendar, is to start taking 2 supplements that my sister takes and that benefits her immensely. She keeps telling me to take them and I have ignored her in the past. They are Borage Oil and Primrose Oil. I don’t want to start dealing with hormonal therapy, which I am sure is what a doctor would say if I went to one. Actually, as a matter of fact, approximately 8 years ago I complained to one doctor about it and he wanted to give me Prozac without even examining me or talking to me for more than 1 minute. I never went back.
The point of this whole post is to illustrate to me, and my female readers that perhaps are dealing with the same PMS issues, the need to be more vigilant and seek help if they realize they are losing control. Also, sometimes you don’t realize you are losing control until is too late. I am scared to think of what would have happened if I had a gun in my hands – that is how out of control I felt in that moment.
Be aware, be vigilante, don’t let your guard down!
“Not being able to govern events, I govern myself” ― Michel de Montaigne