Tags
disappointment, elder care., frustration, good deed, nursing home, Patience, powerless, volunteer
I am crying, sobbing like a baby… well it is PMS time so I am bound to cry over something. This time I am crying out of sadness and anger. I don’t know if it were not for PMS if I would be this emotional, but right now I feel so misunderstood and unappreciated.
It turns out that my days volunteering at the nursing home are over! Yep, you heard me right, over! That didn’t last longer. It took longer to get everything in order to volunteer.
Here is what happened:
I normally go to the nursing home on Monday nights for 2 hours and I just visit the residents. In the beginning they were not sure what I would be doing, so they had me tag along and visit, and I realized that is what I enjoy doing. I feel I would be the most helpful bringing joy and warmth to some people that seem to be forgotten.
This week I couldn’t go on Monday because I went to the opening night at the US Open tennis, so I wrote an email that I was going Tuesday instead. I went Tuesday and was very happy when one of the nurses told me how happy and appreciative they were that I was able to go and visit. I had asked her to let me know if I was interfering with anything. She said absolutely not, that in fact I am a big help and I should come as often as I can.
That evening J., one of the residents, mentioned needing to talk to me (she has been talking about finding me a boyfriend – lol) but she couldn’t do it at that moment because her roommate was already sleeping. She made me promised to return the following evening (Wed).
Because of the comments of the nurse I was under the impression that I could show up at any time. So I returned on Wednesday to see J, and of course, since I was already there, I went on to say hello to some of the others.
As I was leaving 2 hours later, around 8pm, the Head Nurse was at the front lobby desk and with an attitude she started questioning me and asking me if anyone knew I was there. I said that I was there visiting and I didn’t think that they needed to know when I visited. After all, visitors are allowed in any time until 10pm. I mentioned to her that if the problem was that I signed the volunteer book I wouldn’t do that next time.
I was offended and could feel my face burning up and I walked out holding back the tears. I am a very sensitive creature to begin with and PMS turns me into a cry baby. My first instinct was to get home and immediately send an email to the Director of Volunteers and quit, but because I am becoming more aware of myself, actions and reactions I decided not to act on impulse. I also know that the end of the month is her busiest time of the month and decided to respect that and talk to her later.
Well, it turns out that S. spoke to the director and here is the email I received from her:
” I really appreciate your enthusiasm in volunteering and coming in late in the evenings to visit.. However, you really should only volunteer when our staff members are present. Also, please continue letting me know if you decide to come in (like you have been doing) on days that you were not originally planning to, so I can let my staff and/or front desk know.. On Monday and Tuesday 2K and 2S, you can volunteer up until 8PM with D., and then for the rest of the week, B. and D. are only there till 7PM. So I guess for the front desk person, it looked a little strange when you showed up after the recreation people were no longer there (even if they were, their work hour would be over by then). It this situation changes, I will let you know (as I really think we do need evening visitors!)—that is if you can just come in even when the staff members are not here.. But I will just need to clear it with the administration. Hope that’s Ok with you! Again, thank you so much for everything. Our residents and recreation staff love you!! My ladies think you are great with the residents!”
Here is my reply: (and I did reply on impulse…oh well…so much for getting to know myself and working on not being so reactive all the time)
“No it is not okay with me. I didn’t appreciate how S. talked to me yesterday. That was after being very happy when B. (she dispenses medicine) told me how great it was that I could come and visit on Tuesdays. I guess I was under the wrong impression that I could show up any time and visit my friends.
I showed up yesterday because I had promised J. I would. I guess I should have not signed the volunteer book. My visit was going to be only 15 minutes but I lost track of timing as I decided to say hello to my others resident.
It is very unfortunate that you have to take time out of your busy schedule to deal with this. So I will just make it easy on everybody and not volunteer anymore. I thank you and apologize for wasting your time. But that old saying is really true: “No good deed goes unpunished!”
I hope it will not be a problem for me to still show up as visitor to visit some of the new dear friends I have made. I would hate for them to think that I just abandoned them! Let me know if there is anyone I need to speak to in regards to that. I guess I can just check on the website for the visiting hours.
Again I am sorry you had to waste time for something I did.”
So my plan is to go back to visit my new friends. I am sure they cannot stop me from doing that. The residents know me and have huge smiles when they see me. When I say good bye they always ask me to come again.
I realize that at this moment I feel on my skin the way the residents feel. They all tell me that they don’t like to be told what to do and when to do it. Because I always visit in the evenings I witness them having to wait around to be put to bed. I understand the staff does their best and try to accommodate everyone as quick as they can and with a smile, but still to the resident is a loss of their independence and control over their own lives. I try to play it off and say how we are all slaves to some sort of clock and rules. I mention having to wait for things all the time such as a train or an appointment, and having to respect a schedule at work (which I actually don’t but the point is making them feel they are not alone in feeling helpless and out of control at times).
I understand them. I hate being told what to do, especially in this case when I know I am doing good and only have goodness in my heart. Their smiles and laughter at the crazy stories I tell them about my life (I tell them about dates and my family and day to day happenings) not only tell me that I am bringing joy, but it warms my heart and brings me joy.
Lucky for me I am not a resident there, I don’t have to play politics with this nursing home at this point. I don’t have to obey their rules. At this point in my life I can just walk away from things I don’t like.
I am not afraid of growing old or dying, I am afraid of becoming dependent on others.
****
As I was about to publish this I get a reply to my reply:
I am sorry this is how you feel. I would not want to lose you as a volunteer. Maybe we can talk on the phone. I spoke with S, and she really did not mean anything bad. She said she was sorry you felt the way you did. She was just doing her job. We did have bad some experiences with unsupervised evening visitors. We also recently had instances of people just coming in and roaming around.. So we have undertaken extra-precautions. Our primary concern is residents’ safety. And that is why it is a the front desk’s person job to make sure they know who people are visiting , where they are going and why. That is why the volunteer hours are specifically agreed upon by both volunteers and myself, so that I can tell the night staff that people are coming.. For instance, your first day here, I told everyone that you were coming and to expect you. Of course, mature and responsible volunteers like yourself can probably visit in the evenings on their own, but I, as a director, am responsible for where they are going, and if I am not here, then, it’s other staff members who need to keep track—again, it’s really all done for residents’ safety. Also, in my experience, you are the first volunteer who wanted to put in extra time—which is wonderful and much appreciated, but unfortunately, it is not common. I have just undertaken the volunteer department last November, so it will take some time for people to get used to and understand how to treat different volunteers who only want to visit out of goodness of their hearts. But again, in the evenings, we do have to be extra-careful-that is why all we ask to let us know ahead of time.. I would love to talk to you more on the phone to explain, — maybe next week?
What next? I don’t know! I don’t feel like replying. I don’t feel like wasting any more time and breath on this. I just know that all this seems stupid, a waste of people’s time and effort on a problem that shouldn’t be a problem to begin with. Everyone is so worried about making sure they are “doing their jobs” and covering their ass. What about reason and common sense?
… perhaps I am extra sensitive now, perhaps in a few days I will have a different view.
to be continued …
plainjanemcgough said:
I don’t know you, but it sounds like they really do appreciate you, and that it would be rash to just quit doing something you love. I know how it is to get sensitive to things, especially at certain times. But by what I read, they didn’t mean anything by it, maybe just a protocol they need to follow. I wouldn’t quit.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I guess I hate protocols and rules that prevent good from being done. I guess I am extra sensitive to how people talk to me. I am, however, willing to listen to reason and not being rash. We will see what happens! Thank you for your thoughtful comment and many blessings to you! 🙂
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plainjanemcgough said:
No problem, I am the same way, so I can definitely relate! 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you! 🙂
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lifelivingmoments said:
Hi there,
I think it is a wonderful thing of you doing voluntary work. And, anything can get mess up sometimes. Well, from reading your post, I do feel you are in a PMS mood…? Maybe you should step away from this issue for few days before you react to it? I am an Aries myself and I know how we can get really on edge sometimes. Especially during those days… 😛
Take good care of yourself and relax right now. It will help for any issue you are encountering.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Being a pmsing Aries can be quiet a scary thing!! lol
I am trying not to be so defensive and reactive. I am stepping back from it and will revisit next week. One thing is certain: I will continue to visit the new and dear friends I made.
Thank you my fellow Aries for your wise advice! A blessed weekend and holiday to you! 🙂
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The Vanilla Housewife said:
You are doing something really good and it would be a shame to stop doing it all together. Hope everything works out best for you 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for the good wishes! I am sure it will work out. I just need to breath and relax! A blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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Woman_on_Pause said:
I want to “Like” this, but it seems inappropriate. Take it all with a grain of salt and don’t let it deter you from doing wonderful work. Really.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for sympathizing with me and for the great advice. I will continue trying to volunteer my time one way or another!
A blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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Susan P said:
I feel for you – I’m uber sensitive myself. I don’t know where you live, but where I live security has become a major issue. I hope you will be able to resolve this to your satisfaction.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I guess I have to see their side too! But being uber sensitive, as you so aptly put it, I felt I was treated like a criminal when all I have in mind is spreading joy.
Thank you and a blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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Susan P said:
Sensitivity is a gift, but it can be a two-edged sword. I hope all ends well for you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Everything in moderation, even good things! Thank you for the good wishes! 🙂
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AR Neal said:
Sounds like you were having an unpleasant day; as others suggest, take a moment to breathe and get away from it. They sound as though they appreciate you, really, and as women I am sure they will understand. Do respond at some point though so they don’t cross you off the list. As a supervisor, I can see both sides of the issue; they are liable if something happens while an unexpected volunteer is on premises/rules can be prohibitive. It is hard for all. Know that God knows your intent and will give you the grace to work it out His way 😉
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A Star on the Forehead said:
It does seem I am blowing this out of proportion. I guess it was a combination of factors. It does help to listen to smart and insightful readers like you.
I should take a few moments and put myself in their shoes.
Thank you for reminding me that God knows my heart and my good intentions and things will work out the best way possible!
A blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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AR Neal said:
😀
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girlseule said:
Ohh I’m sorry you had a bad experience, but don’t give up on the volunteering and visiting, those residents need you. You are doing a great thing. If it is really upsetting you, don’t go back, you need to look after yourself first though.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Thank you for your words. You are right, at the end of the day I have to be happy or I will not be much use for anybody else. Many blessings! 🙂
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catterel said:
Oh dear, how easy it is to get the wrong end of the stick. I’m sure you will be able to get this muddle sorted out when you talk to the director. Why give up something you are enjoying, where you are appreciated and which is so valuable just because one employee was being over cautious and maybe officious? You are bigger and stronger than that! Give yourself a little time to calm down and then go back with your wonderful smile.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I need to stop letting one person’s actions dictate my mood. It seems that stepping back and letting some time go by is a good thing. Everything will be brighter after a restful and fun weekend! A blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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catterel said:
And to you – every blessing 😀
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A Star on the Forehead said:
thank you! 🙂
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Southern Sea Muse said:
Sometimes it’s worth playing by what seem like silly, red-taped rules if it means being able to make a difference in the lives of those who need us the most.
Hang in there, go back (at the times they preapprove) with your chin up, and keep spreading your joy to those dear, precious people 😉 They need you. It’s worth it, and your dedication will come back to bless you tenfold.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I see what you are saying, I cannot lose sight of the bottom line, which is bringing joy to the residents. I am stepping back from the situation for a couple of days and see what happens!
A blessed weekend to you and thank you for the insightful words! 🙂
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Little Borneo Girl said:
I really understand how you feel and read your post following your emotions from beginning to end. Perhaps you may just want to put this issue aside for now and give a reply only after you bid goodbye to PMS this month. They do appreciate you and if you do like what you were doing, you may wish to reconsider. You have taken the wonderful step in volunteering and giving to the community and may God bless and grant you joy in doing that. 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
That seems like the right course of action! As a rule I try not to make any decisions during PMS and it seems to be the right thing to do.
Thank you for your support and kind words.
Many blessings to you! 🙂
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ZtarDaze said:
Hello Dear! I have to say first and foremost, I admire you for your compassion towards these poor forgotten people. My mom has been a nurse for 23 years now and has had jobs where she would have to go to nursing homes (sometimes in the middle of the night) to do wound care or med check or just a ton of other things and my sister and I would have to tag along with her. I remember so many times sitting in the waiting room or day room with my little sister and seeing the elderly people sitting in their wheel chairs or rocking chairs with blank looks on their faces like they had completely given up on life and were just waiting on death to come. It not only scared me, but completely broke my heart. I was always taught to respect and cherish your elders and learn from them. I was younger at the time and was responsible for watching my sister so I did not get to really talk to them the way I wanted to. Anyway, I am getting off topic, I’m sorry.
My point is, I can understand the supervisor’s point of view only because I have seen for myself how hectic it can get in a nursing home as well as retirement villages but I do think you were approached all wrong about it. I think the lady that talked to you in the first place could have been much nicer about it and explained things and asked your opinion on things since you were obviously not there to cause chaos. I think had she introduced herself and asked more about you and talked to you for a little bit and gotten some ideas from you, then maybe things wouldn’t be so crazy around there and you could actually bring more life to that place and perhaps even bring more life to the residents. It seems to me like you have a real passion for visiting these beautiful people and learning about them and becoming apart of their lives. I really think you and the supervisor could make some amazing changes for these people! I could see you doing little events for them or just little social things so that you aren’t just interacting with one at a time, but also getting them to interact with you and each other! I hope this helps! It is really great reading your blog and finding someone out there with a genuinely good heart!!
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Wow! I thank you and appreciate your thoughtful and heartfelt comment. I agree with you on the blank stare that some of the residents have, it is heart wrenching to witness that and to know that the only think they (some of them) have to look forward to is death.
I don’t think I expressed myself well on this post,but somehow you understood me. It was not even what the nurse said, but how she said it. I felt interrogated, I felt like a criminal. But I guess I need to get over her poor delivery and accept the reasons why they have the rules they have.
I am not creative, but I am hoping that I will be able to find ways to engage them.
My main idea is to inspire hope!
Thank you again for the kind words and heartfelt kindness to me!
A blessed weekend to you! 🙂
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billgncs said:
ah, the old lesson about “It is their game and their ball so they get to make the rules…”
In my experience, volunteering is like a romance, There’s a feeling out period where everyone gets to know each other, after that point things usually go better.
I hope you look for other opportunities… good things await 🙂
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A Star on the Forehead said:
hahaha I can always count on your wisdom! Indeed it is their court, their ball, their game and I either follow their rules or I don’t get to play the game!
I also love your analogy! as I am finding out it (volunteering) can also break your heart and make you cry, very similar to my last romance!
A blessed holiday weekend to you! 🙂
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billgncs said:
I agree about the tears, but these are different given to those in need. I hope your tears remain true, honest and good.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
🙂
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djdfr said:
I don’t remember hearing it said that good deeds never go unpunished. I don’t believe that. 🙂 It seems to me that the staff has responsibility and therefore they put ways of functioning in place in order to cope with various types of situations, some of which are far from you and your actions. This is one thing that is problematic in the world today–we are obliged to take into account the evil that others may do, just look at all the hoopla for getting on a plane. And yet, we cannot stop people from doing evil if that is what is in their hearts. However we can change our hearts and be a beacon of goodness which can be contagious. I have read (and did not appreciate it) that over-sensitivity is a form of egoism. Not easy to accept, but something to reflect upon. Keep on doing good, whatever opportunities may present themselves to you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
I am not sure who really said that (no good deed…), but it has been attributed to both Oscar Wilde and Clare Boothe Luce. I don’t believe in that either but at some moments when I try to do a good deed and it backfires it seems to be fitting.
Very good point about having to take into account the evil in the world. I tend to see the world through rose-colored glasses.
Oversensitivity as a form of egoism? humm, not very easy for me to make that leap, but, perhaps my being oversensitive to the way I am talked to, can in a way mean that I think too highly of myself and everything should be about me and my feelings taken into account at all times regardless of rules.
Well, that is something to be reflected upon indeed.
Many thanks for the food for thought and a blessed week ahead! 🙂
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barbarastanley said:
If you signed in each time you visited, why were they upset? They had a record of your being there, right? You didn’t just sneak in and sneak out. They have an attitude problem.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Very good point!! Unfortunately yesterday was my last day there. I cannot deal with all the red tape when all I wanted was do good. Many blessings to you! 🙂
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P. C. Zick said:
I hope this has been resolved. You are a bright star in those folks lives. This all sounds so silly. Go and visit your friends. You’ll both benefit. I volunteered with Hospice and visited one of my patients in a nursing home. I came whenever it fit with my schedule. Staff and my patient all appreciated my visits and I never had to check with anyone. I’d feel the same way as you.
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A Star on the Forehead said:
Unfortunately as you will see my latest post I am done volunteering there. I was told they all appreciate me there, but I can only be there when there is somebody in the recreation department, and when I am scheduled. I live 5 minutes away from there and I thought it could be a place that I could pop in as often as I could. My search continues 😦 A blessed week to you! 🙂
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