Tag Archives: loving oneself

Tired of accepting less than I deserve!

11 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Even in all my busyness at the moment I find time to miss someone.  I miss AL!  I wrote about AL before. We met when I was selling some extra concert tickets online.  He didn’t buy the tickets but we developed an email friendship.  It turned out that he only lived 15 minutes away so we decided to meet.  The sparks that were noticeable in the emails were even more evident in person.  We dated for a little bit but decided to become only friends (without benefits).  We both realized that it wouldn’t work out romantically in the long run because of a sizable age difference (16 years) and decided that we’d rather nurture the friendship.

Our friendship continued until he became very busy with opening a restaurant.  At that point our friendship became texting only.  I understood him being busy, but after the restaurant came and went (he sold it) and he still he couldn’t find 5 minutes to meet up I started to feel weird, somewhat annoyed at this text only relationship.  I questioned the validity of a friendship that had become texting only.

I enjoyed the in-person banter we had and missed that.   I appreciated his outlook in life. Like me he was appreciative of everything he had but always striving to become better.

So for the past year I would mention every now and then how disappointed I was that we haven’t gotten together in awhile.  And it was always the same response: I am sorry I have been a bad friend  and  I promise to do better.

At one point I mentioned to him that I normally pay attention to a man’s actions and not his words.   I told him he said the right things but there was no action.  Again he was apologetic.

And still nothing ever changed. Then he would resume the texting.  I would sometimes ignore it hoping he would get it, but he would persist and eventually I relented and would continue the texting, which I enjoyed a lot.

After many times of this pattern of my complaining and his apologizing I was left feeling silly and childish.  It seemed stupid in a friendship to be feeling unappreciated and unworthy, but that was what I was feeling.

No matter how busy we all are we still find time for the people that we care about.  It was disappointing as I thought our friendship was amazing and I never pictured it ending only getting stronger.

Then it dawned on me:  He must have gotten a girlfriend!  I asked him and he confirmed it.  I was crushed!  Not because he had a girlfriend but because he thought so little of me to never tell me.

All of a sudden I didn’t know him anymore, and he clearly never knew me.  If we were such best friends why would he hide this girlfriend from me?  It was a mutual decision to turn the romance into friendship.  And that was already 2 years ago!  He knew of my online dating efforts as I mentioned often the dates I was going on.  He always said he was not looking for anyone as he was too busy, which I knew it was hogwash as men are always looking.

I am happy for him having found someone.  I am upset with the fact that he hid it from me.  It makes me question what he thinks of me.  Why would AL hide a girlfriend from me?  That is so stupid and it makes me rethink of what I thought of him.

Once again here is another guy that apparently thinks I like him and cannot handle the truth.  Once again I am forced to look at my actions to see where I have gone wrong.  When and how did I show that I wanted to be more friends?  I am stumped.

Finally one day I had had enough and made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to get texts anymore.   I had said that many times before but this time I made sure to tell him that this was making me feel pathetic and it was hurtful.  I mentioned that every time he texted it reminded me that we were no longer good friends.   It had become this stupid game of him texting, my complaining about not getting together, his apologizing, my giving in and texting back.  The stick the broke the camel’s back was him sending me a cutesy texting full of emoticons saying he loved me when only the day before I had told him to stop texting me.   I always felt he valued and appreciated me but why the “no effort”?

Well this time he heard me loud and clear! I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months months.  I am surprised (many times before he mentioned he would never let go of this friendship), and at the same time happy.  But I cannot lie and say I don’t miss him.  I miss him a lot(well his texting)!

But what do I really miss?  I guess it is just the idea of a best friend.  I always related better to men than women.   I miss his joy of life, his sharp wit, and his attention.  He got my jokes and he seemed to get me. I miss being thought of and being remembered.  But when someone lives just 15 minutes away, texting only is not enough.

No, I didn’t want him as a boyfriend.  After the initial attraction and trial dating, being just friends suited me fine.  I always relished the idea that we were able to put attraction aside and build this awesome friendship.  I felt smug about it as if this was an amazing achievement and we were able to do it.

I guess once again I invented a relationship that was better and more solid than in reality.

At times now I second guess myself about asking him to stop with the texting, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t haven’t been so demanding.   This after all was supposed to be an easy, no demanding friendship.  We saw each other when we had time.  Shouldn’t I just act cool and continue texting?

Then I remember that I was not feeling valued and worthy.  I felt cheap and used. I am worth of somebody’s time.  I am a great friend, true, open, honest, non-judgmental and here for you.  If he doesn’t have the time, actually if he doesn’t care to make the time to meet me then I shouldn’t waste my time with empty texting.

I miss him but don’t want to hear from him again.  There is a reason people come into our lives and there is a reason they leave.  There is a reason why things that are passed should remain in the past: to make room for the new.

I feel that my friendship with AL was comfortable to me, even in its dysfunctionality.   His texting was something I could count on to pick up my day, to make me laugh, to make me blush, to make me feel like a friend and often like a woman.

Being comfortable is the enemy of growth!

I question my self-esteem.   What am I holding on to when I accept less than I deserve?  What am I getting from this so-called friendship?  I was holding on to the past we had:  great outings and great conversations and; I was holding on to the future I thought we would have:  more great outings and more great conversations.  I realized I was missing the most important: the present, the now!

I am happy that I took a stand and spoke my mind.  I no longer feel used and just somebody to text with when he is bored. I will probably continue to miss him for awhile, but there is a price for everything in life, and this is the price I am paying for taking a stand for what I believe I deserve.

My door is wide open for new friends! No texting please!   Well, some texting is okay, since I am an expert at it!

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

“A simple question provokes a momentary internal revolt”

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” ― Albert Einstein

Sometimes all it takes is an innocent question to make you doubt and second guess yourself.

As I was leaving work on New Year’s Eve a co-worker yelled out:  Who will you be kissing at midnight? If ever a question was painful, this one was it!  As I am waiting for the elevator I feel loneliness invading my being.

“Sometimes I get so immersed in my own company, if I unexpectedly run into someone I know, it’s a bit of a shock and takes me a while to adjust.” 
― Kazuo Ishiguro

All of a sudden it feels like the entire world as having a party and I was not invited.    The elevator doors open and I walk in, feeling like a zombie, feeling oddly disconnected from my body.  I am saddened by the realization that I will not kiss or be kissed by anyone on New Year’s Eve.  What a sin!

Up to that instant I was fine with being alone,  I was even looking forward to it.  I was proud of not having a problem being alone. I have been living away from my family for almost 30 years and I don’t have close friends living nearby, so I am no stranger to spending time/holidays alone.  It doesn’t bother me. I welcome it as a sign of my strength and independence.  The more time alone I spent the stronger and more independent I feel. So this feeling of loneliness was confusing me.

“We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship.”  ― C.S. Lewis

I stepped out into the cold New York air with my head buzzing with so many thoughts.  I welcomed the 10 blocks ahead of me as a chance to collect my thoughts and try to organize them in some coherent form. I could feel self pity invading me.

Those 10 blocks were spent looking inward trying to find the source of my feelings.  I was asking myself questions: What am I feeling? (cold, pain, self-pity)  Why am I feeling this way?(is it based on reality or is it based on what society wants me to feel like?) Do I want to do anything about it? (yes I do, I don’t play victim well, I rather be the strong, self assured and independent type) What can I do about it? (lots, I can start by shifting my thinking and focusing on only goodness)

“I never really understood the word ‘loneliness’. As far as I was concerned, I was in an orgy with the sky and the ocean, and with nature.” ― Björk

I am happy to say that by the time I reached Grand Central Station I had already snapped out of it, and was back to my bubbly happy self. But still this is was a good humbling exercise in self-discovery.

I will have moments of doubt.  I will have moments of feeling sorry for myself.  I will have moments of feeling lonely.  But none of those single moments define me or my future.  Those moments serve to get to know myself better, to teach me to discern my feelings and to appreciate all I have. It helps me to confront myself and ask myself hard questions.  It helps me to realize that it is okay to feel alone, weak, unsure, to have doubts, and a whole host of negative feelings and emotions every now and then. I am only human and not a super-being!

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

The way I got out of that victim mentality was to realize that I was alone by choice. And what amazing gift is to have choices!  It is up to me to change whatever I am not happy with, but in this case there was nothing to change.  I was not and I am not lonely.  I am never alone, I have so many guardian angels.  I feel their protection often.  I relish walking into my empty apartment. It was just a second that I let “what the rest of the world is doing” get in my head.

I made a mental list of all the joys and blessings in my life – and there are so many! I am so loved by my family and I have so much love in my being for God, my family, friends, for all,  that is impossible to be alone. The list of my blessings is infinite!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”  –― Charlotte Brontë

I am alone, but not lonely, that is always how I feel.  I feel that my solitude is somewhat poetic and desirable. It is true that there are rare moments of loneliness.  Actually I wouldn’t call it that, I would call “moments of longing for someone”.  On a cold night such a tonight it would be awesome to have someone to cuddle with, actually it would probably save me some money on the utility bill.  I am a hot blooded passionate fiery Aries Brazilian woman, I have needs ! 🙂 But I don’t want just a warm body.  I want that special person. When the choice is being alone with somebody else or being alone by myself I will take being alone by myself every time!

“Language … has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a life living solo.   I am on a dating site because I think that life as part of a couple can be much better than single, but that is, only if I find someone that I think it is the right person for me.  I am advocating being happy and content the way you are at the present moment, not feeling that you need to be or do a certain thing, or do what you think is expected of you. Do what is in your heart!  Accept, love and respect yourself first! Love and appreciate all you have until you have everything you love and appreciate!

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” ― Rollo May

What I am saying is learn to spend time alone. Learn to spend time with yourself and appreciate the beauty of it.  Get close to your loneliness, make friends with it, have some coffee with it and realize that it is not so bad.  It can actually be very rewarding and productive.  At the end of the day we are all alone!

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”
― Albert Camus