Tag Archives: leave the past in the past

The past is where it belongs: in the past!

13 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.

At that moment the past came flooding back.  AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.

I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text.  I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me.  I am happy he did.  The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.

As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes.  I hope he is happy.  Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.

He came into my life at a time I needed most.  I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds.  He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again.  He was a dear friend.  He was an enthusiastic lover.  Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.

I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale.  I wouldn’t go that far, but  a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible.  Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy.  It is all in the context of how the heart feels.

Is this calendar a sign from the Universe?  If so, what is it trying to tell me?

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34.  I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me.  It can also be a lot fun.

Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?

I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you.  I just don’t know what you are trying to say.  Tonight it will be a  fun date of dinner and cookies.  Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.

Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media.  It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media.   https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

It was not an obsession but it was becoming one.  It was a routine that was not productive.  It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.

I am so proud that I am sticking to it.  I have been more productive ever since.  I have been posting here more.  The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.

I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future.  I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life.  I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day.  This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life.  It was affecting mine.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  – Albert Camus

I am curious about AL’s life.  I miss his face and his texts.  I miss his humor.  I miss his flirting.  I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued.  I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.

Thank you AL for not contacting me.   Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).

Today someone asked me if I only like younger men.  I answered:  Not necessarily, they like me!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

 

 

Blessings and Lessons, Old and New mistakes

11 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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Being spared a new mistake
Two posts ago I talked about saving the details about one guy I met for later. Now is later. The truth is I thought that by now I would have some very interesting juicy story to tell you, but I don’t. Instead I have a lesson and a stroke of good luck.

From my ad I received tons of emails from younger guys. I dismissed all of those except for one. There was something about him that I thought was worth a second look. From the emails we exchanged and from all my internet snooping I saw that he was a hard-working, accomplished, smart and generous man.  Things that I value in a person.

I decided to meet him in person as a friend. I can have younger friends, can’t I?

We met for coffee and sparks flew. And I started thinking “what if”. What if I ignore the age and just go with the flow? I was actually talking myself into going out with an embarrassingly younger guy, well if you are the type to be embarrassed by things. I am not!

After that initial meeting I gave him my number and we started exchanging texts. I was supposed to come up with a night to have a real dinner date. I knew it would be a mistake and it wouldn’t be something long lasting, still I was willing to jump head first into this empty pool.

And then… he just went silent! He seemed to have completely fallen off the face of earth. No emails, texts, smoke signals, nothing!

In the past I would have gone nuts looking for answers. I would come up with many different scenarios why this happened. Now I just thank the Universe and move on.

Clearly the Universe interceded in my favor. I knew it was going to be a mistake and I was willing to go through with it anyway. The Universe spared me the pain that would certain follow.

I know I am not the type of person for casual relationships. There are so many reasons why casual relationships, friends with benefits type of scenario would never work for me. I get attached. I get emotionally involved. I expect things. I expect heart, energy, and reciprocity of feelings.

Thank you Universe for stepping in. I don’t need to know why he disappeared. It doesn’t matter, the result is the same.

It is amazing what happens when you place your trust in the God (Universe), when you believe that He knows better and He will make sure that whatever it is not good for you it is taken out of the way. (even when you are walking onto disaster out of your own free will)

If it is not a blessing, it is a lesson! In this case the blessing was of being spared the lesson.

When people choose to leave, let them, specially if they were never supposed to be in your life to begin with.

Avoiding an old mistake
Every now and then a ghost from the past rears its ugly head. He shows up looking sharp and brand new. There is no sign of the issues from the past. Well, you don’t really remember the issues from the past. Time has a way of erasing the bad memories.

This guy that I dated very briefly in 2007 (he reminded me of the year) every now and then texts me. Long ago I decided to ignore him, but he never seems to take the hint. Few months go bye and he texts again wishing Merry Christmas, or Valentine’s Day or just saying hello.

I mentioned him here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2013/03/28/march-28-a-wonderful-day-to-be-born/

He texted me “Happy Mother’s Day” the other day and instead of ignoring him like I always do I texted back. Honestly I don’t even remember why I stopped seeing him, but I am sure there was a good reason. We then started this flirty texting back and forth.

This morning he says: You know I have a girlfriend right?

What? Why would I suspect he has a girlfriend when he is flirting with me on text?  Should I have asked?

I told him exactly how I was feeling: hurt, foolish and stupid. I told him how I blamed myself and not him. Which is true, I opened the door; I can’t blame him for walking in.

I asked him why he contacted me if he has a girlfriend and here is his reply verbatim: “Why wouldn’t I? You are an extraordinary person. And it’s not like we had a fight or any drama like that.”

I was really hurt. I guess he caught me at a vulnerable time. I feel foolish thinking that he was trying to reconnect. Well he was trying to get something on the side for sure.  I feel bad for his girlfriend, which he says he has since 2008.

I politely said I don’t wish to be exchanging texts with a married man. No harm done, no hard feelings.

Two minutes ago I have a delivery. He sent me a box of chocolate covered fruit from Edible Arrangements as a belated birthday gift. I didn’t know if I should just ignore it or say thank you. Clearly it was sent yesterday, before I told him I don’t wish to continue.

I texted: “My office says thank you”. He wanted to engage me in additional conversation but I just ignored it.

Again is that same old lesson that I never seem to learn: Leave the past in the past. Make new mistakes, don’t revive old ones.  There is a reason people are not in your present, son’t question that.  Accept it!

Chocolate covered fruit bites

Chocolate covered fruit bites that my office really enjoyed