“It is not uncommon for someone to be a self-saboteur and compound that by also having a victim mentality. It is as though they are holding their own breath and then blaming others for their inability to breathe. If they can break free from this cycle, everything in their life changes for the better.” – Steve Maraboli

Now I start getting scared and I either run away or I try to scare him away.  I will say something I shouldn’t. I will find faults.

He made the mistake of telling me that he likes me and that there is nothing I can do that will make him go away. He is smitten! I am scared!

What am I afraid of?  I am not sure. Perhaps I fear getting hurt or hurting someone.  Perhaps I fear being cheated on again. Perhaps I fear losing my freedom.

I have been trying to sabotage this potential relationship ever since. My mind is working overtime trying to find problems with him and reasons why it is not going to work.

Even before going on the second date I was already trying to sabotage it. He texted me to ask me which restaurant we should meet at.  I had a problem with that. I wanted him to choose the place.

I know that is a pretty bitchy attitude. Since I am not a bitchy person I think it is my subconscious attempt to mess things up.

I stopped, thought about what I was doing and decided to choose a restaurant instead of telling him that he should choose the place.

I chose a place I had been to before, Lea Wine Bar. It is a nice Tapas and Sushi place with a great atmosphere.  I had 2 lychee martinis that were amazing.  I even had Sushi for the first time.  Even though I have been to some of the best sushi places in Manhattan, I always ordered something else.  This time I tried the eel and it was good. I had some other tapas dishes, empanadas and bruschettas.

I told him at dinner that I like the man to choose the restaurant and that I was initially upset that he had asked me to choose.  He said that he wanted me to choose so that I could choose a convenient location but that from now on he is happy to choose it every time.

He is one of the nicest guys I have ever been on a date with.  My EX (the one that broke my heart and was what caused me to start this blog) was one of the nicest men too. He adored me from day 1. He treated me like a princess.  Then I found out he was cheating.

I don’t want to let that experience prevent me from giving this guy a chance, from giving me a chance. We are both excited about each other and the future, even though we have met only twice.  Unfortunately the weather here in the Northeast is brutal, so we are not sure when we will be meeting again.  Saturday and Sunday the cold will be record breaking and I don’t want him traveling over 1 hr to take me to dinner in such a weather.

He is very thoughtful and wants to take me anywhere I want to go.  He already got tickets for us to go to the Opera. His favorite Opera is La Boheme and he thinks that I will like it too. It is for February 16, which means that we have to be together until then. That is our joke now, that we have to put up with each other until then.

He is respectful, perhaps a bit too respectful. He kissed my hand a couple of minds and finally kissed me when I made it clear that it was okay.  The kiss didn’t blow me away. It was mostly a couple of pecks on my lips. I can tell, and he has told me, that he doesn’t to rush anything and upset me.

I didn’t want the date to end.  It felt comfortable and easy.  We both feel as if we have known each other forever.  It feels right.  But then the minute I step away I start questioning it, dissecting it, looking for problems.

Nothing is happening and I already have visions of missing being single. He is 59, and perhaps he is too old for me.  He lives too far, and I don’t like to drive.  Maybe he doesn’t know how to kiss and I will have to tell him that.  He is a laid back Pisces, I am a in your face Aries.

Now what?  Perhaps I can learn to be quiet and enjoy the moment, and not talk him and myself out of giving this a chance. Perhaps I can learn to not let my past interfere with my future. Perhaps I can just turn off my mind and be here now.

Perhaps I should just breathe!

***

“Closing The Cycle – Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

– Paulo Coelho