Tag Archives: He is not the One

And so it goes…. no more being in limbo

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I will not try to convince you to love me, to respect me, to commit to me. I deserve better than that; I AM BETTER THAN THAT…Goodbye.” – Steve Maraboli

It is over.  I knew something was off, which I still don’t know what it is, but I know he has changed.  I had pushed for more information with the phone call yesterday and ended up more confused.

Last night he texted just good night and I replied to it in French, as I am trying once again to teach myself French. We exchanged a couple of texts about Paris and that was it.

Around 2 pm this afternoon he texted me just as I was struggling with a bleeding nose.

He texted 1 word: Hello

I replied about my bloody nose and that was it.

I know it is just one word, but I read so much into that.  I could tell that he had no intentions of scheduling any dates.  I hate being in limbo and feeling like I am at somebody’s mercy.

In my mind and heart I need things resolved, yes or no, I just want to know. This not knowing where I stand or what his plans are were making me ill.  I think my nosebleed was my body rebelling against this situation.

I have a lot on my plate at this moment to be wasting time and energy on somebody that is not giving me what I need, even after I explained to him exactly what I need.

This is a relationship that romantically would never work. The only way it would work is if I was able to relax and go with the flow.  Those are not in my DNA. I am trying but continue to fail.

So later I texted him later.  Here it is:

He has not replied after that, which surprised me, but also made me happy and have more respect for him.  I rather silence then some stupid reply to pacify me such as:  I care about you, I am busy, etc, etc.

I know I will not get the truth from him so I rather have silence and have it resolved in my heart.  I don’t have to wonder anymore if I am seeing him on Thursday or any other day this rest of week or next, or ever for that matter.

The “I try to get to city soon”  felt insulting to me. Why ask me what night I am free if he clearly is not free any night?

So in my mind it is all settled.  If he ever contacts me again I have no problem in seeing him again and being friends but I definitely don’t want a romantic relationship anymore.  I deserve more.  I deserve promises kept.

I was also becoming a person that I don’t like.  I was feeling like a complainer, like a beggar, like a victim.  I am none of those things.  I want somebody that will make me soar not crawl.

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” – Paulo Coelho

Besides this total lack of concern for my feelings, there was already the kissing issue that I didn’t know if we could get over. There was also a lack of depth in our conversations that I had hoped that with time it would change.

But it felt so amazing for a little bit. The potential and possibility made my heart sing. All the compliments, the attention, the plans and the promises felt wonderful.  I was on top of the world. With Valentines Day around the corner and, lets not forget, the Opera I was feeling like a lucky girl.

I fell in love with the potential.  I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.

Life seems so cruel sometimes. But I know better.  I know that everything is to make me better and that things that are not good for me have a way of disappearing from my life.  I am not about to question the Universe, instead I just thank my Guardian Angels that are always watching out for me.

Our communication styles are too different.  I blame it on our astrological signs. He is Pisces and I am Aries.

They are both perfectly good signs but I struggle in communicating with real Pisces people.  I say “real” because some people have more traits of the signs that come before or after, and other details that go into it.  I am not crazy into Astrology.  I haven’t read my horoscope in years, but I do pay attention to the signs of the people I deal with and I have opinions formed based on those experiences.

The Pisces people that I know, and one is very close to me, are wonderfully amazing people.  They go out of their way to please people.  They are quiet and keep their feelings in.  They don’t want confrontation so they tell me exactly what I want to hear. They agree with me on a course of action and then they turn around and do whatever they please.  That is a Pisces that I know and love and have learned to deal with.

When P told me he was Pisces I thought about this Pisces man that is close to me and I hoped that P would be different.  He is not. Because I had some experience with his style I thought I would be able to maneuver it and make it work.

I failed.  I can’t betray my personality and my feelings and I cannot change anyone. I cannot extract blood from a rock.  I cannot get from people what they don’t have in them to give to me.

I am an Aries.  I tell you like it is.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am impulsive, stubborn.  I want results and have no patience for details. I want to be in charge. I am a great person but I agree I am not easy to deal with.  I expect to talk about problems and resolve them and not sweep them under the rug.

He will be a great partner for somebody less fiery than me. He used to say I was a ball of fire and that he like that I am me.  He liked that we were so different.  That difference killed us.

I honestly hope that whatever is happening with him is not bad.  I know something is happening.  I still want to be his friend, but I am not ever contacting him again. If he texts me I will probably reply.  If calls me I will probably let it go to voice mail for awhile.  If he totally disappears that is okay too.  I said my piece. I am done!

Some of you may be surprised but I feel good and happy. I like things resolved and it feels resolved to me.  Do I want to swear off dating now?  Absolutely not! I actually feel I am closer to meeting the one.  The bigger the disappointment the bigger the reward.  This seemed so much like the real thing that I cannot even imagine how amazing it will be when the real one shows up.

I predict amazing things for my future with or without a man, but I know in my heart there will be one for me.  One that will put up with this ball of fire.

Today I opened an email from the Universe that read:

Have you noticed, Star, that sadness in your life has never, ever, not even once, lasted?
 
It’s impossible.
 
Whoohoooooo! 
  The Universe

How perfect is that for today?  And that is so true.

If you too want to get emails from the Universe go to http://www.tut.com and sign up.

I am so amazingly blessed!!

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to the amazing readers that I have!  You guys are the friends that I don’t have in my day to day life.  I wish I could have you right here with me.  You lift me up, you keep me honest, you set me straight.  I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your kindness in telling me like it is. I am immensely grateful that you take your time and energy to read about my life and you kindly offer me your perspective.  You allow me to be me, you welcome me, guide me and embrace me.  Reading your comments I feel your love.  Please know that you are loved, valued, you are meaningful in my life!  I am so grateful and proud to call you a friend.

I will talk about all the lessons I have learned in this experience in the next post.  There are always lessons and this is no different.

And I know that it may seem to some that I am making a big deal and that his actions may not seem that bad, but what I have to say to that is:  Talk to my heart.  I follow it blindly, and it is telling me that something was not right.

Again this post was drafted in a hurry as I wanted to update everyone on the newest happenings or lack thereof.  So please forgive the mistakes.  I still have some office work to do before shower and bed.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert

 

His silence is deafening!

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? 🙂

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho