Tag Archives: fairy-tales

Key Word: ACCEPTANCE

10 Tuesday Oct 2023

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ― Ann Landers

I have been cleaning up my Drafts Folder.  There were 260 posts just sitting there waiting to be rediscovered.  

I am  reading every single one and deciding either to delete or to save them to be polished and published.

I have gone through about 40 so far.  All from 2012 – the year I started blogging.  It has been interesting to read my unpublished thoughts for that year.

At the end of 2011, the world as I knew it came to an abrupt end.  I found out my then boyfriend was cheating on me.  He never acknowledged the cheating and callously told me to move out.  I thought I would die from the heartbreak.

I didn’t die. Today I can see that he did me a favor by letting me go.  His life at the moment is in shambles, and I would be embroiled in that mess right along with him.  (I know his situation because I was contacted by the woman that has been living with him since we broke up – I am going to save that story for the future.) 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I wanted to have a blog for many years prior to that, but never followed through on that.  Until the pain in my soul was so intense that I needed an outlet to get it out.   Well, the pain and my sister.

My sister told me that she was fearing for my sanity.  She said I had become obsessed with all things him. It was only then that I realized I was making her crazy with the multiple phone calls to talk about the breakup. 

This blog saved my sanity and hers.    I don’t think I drove anyone crazy here :-), instead I made many friends that provided me with words of comfort and support.

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ― J.K. Rowling

Anyway, one of the main themes on the posts for 2012 is ACCEPTANCE. 

I spent a lot time trying to come to terms with the breakup. The turning point was when I saw the need to just accept the situation.

Things changed when I decided to accept the situation as a fact.  I stopped denying what had happened.  I stopped fantasizing about a reconciliation. I stopped second guessing my actions and trying to assign blame.

When I stopped trying to control the situation, it not longer controlled me. I simply accepted it. 

Well, perhaps not so simply.  It took me years to get over that breakup.  I realized the pain was not about him, but about the fairy-tale I created in my mind.  I didn’t want to lose the fairy-tale.

I struggled most with understanding why I thought he was the one, and why he did what he did. Until the day came that I realized that I would never understand it, and further more, I didn’t need to understand it.  I just needed to accept it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Cute or Cruel?

09 Friday Apr 2021

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes I go to God and say, “God, if Thou dost never answer another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Thee as long as I live and in the ages to come for what Thou hast done already. God’s already put me so far in debt that if I were to live one million millenniums I couldn’t pay Him for what He’s done for me.” ― A.W. Tozer

P. remains in the hospital.  I didn’t get in touch with his sister again.  I reached out to his friend Pat.  Pat gives me the updates that he gets from P.’s sister.   She is very frustrated by the treatment he is getting in the hospital he is in now.  She happens to be a top nurse in the hospital where he was treated for Covid a couple of months back.

Now he is in another hospital where his sister has no say.  They tested him again for Covid.  It came back positive as it was likely it would. Because of the positive result they put him in the Covid ward and no visitors are allowed.    

I continue to send daily texts to his phone with positive messages in the off chance that he sees them.  I can’t imagine being in a hospital, disconnected from loved ones and depending on strangers. Sending prayers and good wishes every time he comes to mind.

“Within her presence, I had once been used
to feeling—trembling—wonder, dissolution;
but that was long ago. Still, though my soul,
now she was veiled, could not see her directly,
by way of hidden force that she could move,
I felt the mighty power of old love.”
― Dante Alighieri

Moving on to a man from the past. I wrote about this person before, here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/08/26/a-baby-made-me-cry/ and here: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2019/05/09/eliminating-the-distractions/  and in some other posts.  I referred to him as J. or JW.  I had blocked him before but we somehow started communicating again.

He calls and texts every several months.  I normally return the call if it is regarding business.  I last spoke to him a couple of months ago and put him in touch with a colleague regarding a business idea. 

The calls are mostly friendly and always ends up with the idea of one day meeting for drinks.  I know it will not happen, but it has been always the way we end phone calls.

Out of the blue, a couple of days ago, I got the text below:

I didn’t reply, and will not reply.   I feel bad because I don’t like to ignore people.  But in this case I feel I am being the voice of reason for both of us.  I am not adding fuel to this potential fire.  I am not adding my poetic self to his fairy tale view of this almost romance.

What is the point of looking back?  I am single.  He is married.  End of story. I am not going there.  I am sure that he is probably at a point in his marriage that he is bored.  I am variety, I am spice, I am what if.

I have to be honest and say that the attention massaged my ego for a second. Someone is thinking of me, it warmed my heart.  Originally I thought it was sweet, but almost immediately felt annoyed.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

 I know it may seem like it is just a text.  It is not! It is so much more.  It is the fairy-tale.  In between those lines I read so much more. It is what I dream of and search high and low for. 

My heart took a leap.  Yes, my heart is a dummy dreamer that doesn’t know the difference between lust and love.

Why play with somebody’s heart and emotions like that?  I thought it was a tad thoughtless.  I think he has this fairy-tale idea of the romance we almost lived.  I am not even sure if we would be a good match if we were ever single at the same time. But the question mark remains and it is forever enticing.

It would make a good story, star-crossed lovers that met in a train…

My sister tells me daily that I should write a book…perhaps I should, just to memorialize the eternal search for love… in all the wrong places.

Wishing you all the most amazing weekend!  May it be blessed with surprises! ♥♥

“A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.” -― C.S. Lewis

 

The Ballet and the bitch

13 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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Inside David Koch Theatre

“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive.” – Merce Cunningham

My first time at a professional ballet performance was awesome!  The David Koch Theater at Lincoln Center was beautiful. The picture above is of one of the 2 huge sculptures from Elie Nadelman that sits in the promenade of the theater.

I loved the atmosphere! During intermission was a good time to people watch.  There were some people drinking champagne with strawberry while others were eating cookies, sandwiches and cookies.  There was a good variety of snacks for purchase.  Some people were dressed up in dresses and suits, while others were more casual. I wore black trousers with a turtleneck and a black sparkly jacket. I think I was well dressed without being too showy. I only had water ($5.00,including the $1 tip), even though the champagne was tempting, but I don’t like to drink alone.

My date, who is a classical musician was not sitting with me but playing with the orchestra, chose the perfect ballet for me to attend.

There were 3 different ballets, with intermissions after each.

My favorite was the first one called “Glass Pieces”.  The choreography was by Jerome Robbins and the music by Philip Glass.  You can see some of it here: http://www.nycballet.com/Ballets/G/Glass-Pieces.aspx

It was modern, energetic and profound.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the dancers.  The music was just perfect. I felt energized and alive. I felt jolted in a good way.  I would love to see it again.  The beat of the music evoked attention and curiosity, as if something is about to happen or is already happening. I loved loved loved!

The other two pieces were also good but it had more of a taste of a Broadway show.

The second was a romantic ballet called “Thou Swell” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/t/thou-swell.aspx

The third was very patriotic called “Stars and Stripes” http://www.nycballet.com/ballets/s/stars-and-stripes.aspx

A funny thing happened when I first arrived at my seat   As soon as I sat down the man next to me sneezed a couple of times.  I said God Bless You.  He, in turn, said: “It is your perfume” .  He said he was allergic to perfume.  I said:  “I am sorry, it must be very hard for you to be out in public and social situations”.  Then he went on to say that people don’t realize how much perfume they have on because they get used to the smell.  He also mentioned he would try to change seats. I wasn’t sure what to think as I don’t think I overuse perfume.   We ended up talking about the other things such as attending the ballet, which he mentioned he goes to every week and he called the performers “my babies”.  He never sneezed again, but after the first intermission he found another seat.   I didn’t let his comments bother me.

My date and I met for a delicious Chinese dinner before the performance.  Afterwards he wanted to go for drinks but it was late and I had to work the next day so I just wanted to get home.  We walked and talked for a few blocks then I took a cab to the train station.

He is an awesome guy.  A true gentleman.  But… there is always a but with me…  I just don’t know what I want.  I fear that I would be bored in the long run.  He is 57, I am 50 going on 25.  He may be too old for me.  I know that it is not nice to say that but it is how I feel.

“Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.” – Steve Maraboli

I also fear that if I keep going on dates with him I will be leading him on.  I mentioned all my doubts to him and he said I shouldn’t worry about leading him on and hurting him.

And so we continue… Last night we went to dinner and a movie.  I am ashamed to say, but I am being a bitch to this guy.  I wine, complain and roll my eyes at everything.  At first I blamed PMS, but by now that excuse no longer fits.  I feel I am testing him to see how much can he put up with.  But he is persistent, nothing seems to faze him. He says he can handle it (me).

Sometimes I think I test men.   Perhaps I want them to leave on their own accord, so that I don’t have to be the one sending them away.

Perhaps still what I like is the challenge and the chase.  I like going after what is impossible to get, the ones that don’t like me.  The moment I have it/him, the moment I get it, then it loses its attraction and I am on to the next thing/person.

Am I unconsciously sabotaging perfectly good relationships in the search of that nonexistent over romanticized fairy-tale?

Being aware is the first step in getting to the bottom of my actions and feelings and correcting them, or just embracing them.

I will be talking about the movie we saw on my next post.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe